“Die For You”—Otherwise
WHEN SERA HAD ASKED about the tat on my back, I had quickly changed the subject because I wasn’t ready to tell her about it. It was a little too personal and gave away a little too much.
She had trailed her fingers over all of my tats that night, but didn’t ask about any of them.
“All of my tats” made it sound like I was covered. Craziest thing? I actually only had seven, and I was a tattoo artist. One would think I’d be all inked up. Nope. All my ink meant something. None of it was random shit, so I had gone slow. The first one was the one I just mentioned. Then I had one on each inner forearm, both sides of my ribs, my legs, and then my pride and joy was still in the works. I had it drawn up, but I hadn’t started the main part of it yet. Just the words arching across my shoulders on my upper back. Alis Volat Propriis. “She flies with her own wings.”
There were a couple of reasons I decided on it. One, because it could be translated to mean “I stand on my own two feet, and I don’t rely on anyone else.” The honest reason, and one that not many people knew, was because Serafina meant “Heavenly Winged Angel.” Hacker and Roy were the only ones who knew that part. My plan was to have an angel underneath it, with her wings wrapped around herself as she knelt in supplication. It wasn’t my fault if she bore an uncanny resemblance to Sera.
One of these days, I’d tell her about them.
The next day, Hacker headed back home without me after making sure I was good. It was great having him during my journey down and for support through the funeral, but I knew it was killing him being away from Kassi. No matter what kind of shit he tried to throw at us, he really cared about her. Maybe more than cared. I really hoped he would get his head straight and, by the time I got back home, they would be together.
I’d been touching base with Snow, and he’d told me to take as much time as I needed. It was great being back in San Antonio and seeing my family. Not to mention, these last few days with Sera and Ty had been amazing, but this wasn’t really home anymore.
My grandfather was still a vacant shell most of the time, but he had at least perked up a little when I brought Ty over. Every day, Ty climbed up in his lap like he lived there and watched TV with him, or my grandfather read him a book. It was obvious Ty had been to the house before, and it made me wonder why my abuela never mentioned him. Questions I would never get the answers to now.
Grandpa had also left the house to go out to dinner with my uncle Matias. He wanted to spend some one-on-one time with Grandpa before he headed back to the Stan off emergency leave. It wasn’t much, but his getting out of the house was an improvement from him sitting in his recliner staring at the wall. Because I’d felt guilty, and so my grandfather didn’t have to keep seeing the mess I had made of Abuela’s yard, on her last day off, Sera and I had packed up all the yard decorations and stored them in the attic, where I figured they would reside for a long damn time. Every piece I picked up or packed up tore a small piece of my heart out.
Sera had gone back to work, but I’d been taking her there to make sure dickhead wasn’t lying in wait for her at the hospital. Today was her third and last day of this stretch. Stubbornly, she had driven herself in her dad’s truck, since he had his work truck to use, not that I was thrilled with that, and I’d fought going to check on her all fucking day. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like I was being overbearing, controlling, or some stupid shit like the dumb fuck had been.
Marla was going to take time off work to watch Ty, but I told her there was no need because I’d love to and I didn’t have anything else to do. It meant a lot to me that Sera trusted her child with me. It was no sweat off my back; he was an awesome little dude. Anyway, she and I had a lot to talk about when she got home from work.
Fuck, I was referring to the hotel room as “home” as if we were a family. The cold, half-dead part of my heart screamed in self-preservation, but hell if it didn’t feel good to think of a home with Sera and Ty.
The problem was, it was time for me to head back to my actual home. One reason I needed to get back was because the Demon Runners had been quiet, but I knew it was only a matter of time before they pulled some more crap, and I wanted to be there to help my brothers if they needed me.
Damn. I had brothers again. I belonged. That was the hardest thing about walking away from the Corps—leaving behind my unit and the ever-present feeling of camaraderie. The Demented Sons had restored that feeling by accepting me and my dedication to them. Of course, that was after completing my prospect time, which had been no joke. I’d fallen into bed exhausted most nights, but it felt good.
Another reason was the tattoo shop and my ongoing discussions with the owner, who had moved to Vegas, running the shop from a distance. We’d been talking about me buying it. The club was going to go in on it with me so I didn’t have to empty my savings or take out as big a loan. They would get part of the profits, and I wouldn’t be a broke motherfucker. My clients had been understanding of having to reschedule under the circumstances, but I was worried about putting them off too long.
Ty and I were sitting on the couch watching his favorite kids show, and he was prattling on about the characters. His big blue eyes were wide, and his chubby little cheeks were flushed. Diminutive dude really was cute as hell. The exact words coming out of his mouth escaped me, as I was lost in watching his actions and his energy. The uncanny resemblance to the father he never knew was amazing. The whole nature versus nurture was leaning toward the nature side with the animated little guy. Every little motion, his expressions, even the way he ate the peanut butter cup he begged me for when we ran to the store for stuff for supper. Just like Tyler would do, he broke it in half, then bit the center out, saving the edges with the thicker chocolate for last. It was wild as shit.
Even though it was microwaveable food, I didn’t want Sera to have to worry about anything after she got back to the hotel. She and Ty had been staying in the room with me since the first night. Having her little warm body snuggled up to me each night felt so damn perfect, and I didn’t want to lose that feeling. With Ty sleeping in the bed situated right next to us, our sex life was subdued, but we still found moments in the shower, a quickie in the bathroom this morning, and we even had a moment of insanity on the balcony last night after Ty crashed. Jesus, just the thought of her softly satisfied sounds had my dick swelling and pressing against my jeans.
That had me jumping up to splash cold water on my face. Shit, I felt like a horny teenage kid again. With a sigh, I hung my head to regain control of my body. Once everything was down where it belonged, I returned to the couch.
“Mister Kayde! You missed it! They saved the turtoes!” The rambunctious boy was having a hard time with his L sounds, which was another thing that amazed me, because I remembered Marla teasing Tyler about when he was little and couldn’t say the letter L until he was about five. Ty was standing on the couch with his hands resting on my shoulder as he jumped up and down in excitement. Boundless energy and good nature emanated from him and made my heart light. It was like a breath of fresh air after a sandstorm, and I felt myself wishing I’d been around from the day he was born. Wishing I could have seen Sera all pregnant and glowing.
At the click of the door lock, he started to bound off the couch as he hollered, “Momma!” Not wanting him to run to the door, just in case by some weird-ass chance it wasn’t her, I scooped him up and stepped around the cabinet wall to ensure it was indeed Sera. Her eyes lit on her son and immediately went from tired to bright. Flipping the lock, she dropped her bag on the floor. At her raised arms, I walked to her with Ty’s little body leaning toward her the whole way.
When she gathered him close, planting kisses all over his face, my heart swelled. After placing a satisfactory number on his rounded cheeks, she looked my direction and smiled that sexy little smile at me. Fuck, there goes my dick again. This needs to stop, or I’m going to embarrass myself. Sheesh.
“Hey, baby, I made some lasagna. It’s only microwave, but I figured you’d be hungry and didn’t want you to have to worry about what to make. Ty already ate, but I waited to eat with you. You want me to heat it up for us, or do you want to shower first?” She’d only been back to work a few days, but I was already used to her coming home in yoga pants or sweats because she couldn’t stand to leave the hospital in her “nasty scrubs” after dealing with all the germs, blood, and puke of the ER all day. This was her last shift for a couple of days. She had taken an extra shift today that wasn’t initially supposed to be hers, but she went in after they called her because someone had called out sick.
“Aw, I figured I’d buy you dinner for watching Ty. Thanks, you really didn’t need to do that. And I’ll shower before bed. I scrubbed up pretty good in the locker room before I left.” Kicking off her shoes, she hugged the dark-haired little munchkin close to her.
Even as tired as she was, she was without a doubt the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. With her golden sunset hair pulled up in a high curling ponytail, she reminded me of that little girl I met once upon a time after being dumped at my grandparents’. The green flecks in her golden eyes were vibrant tonight, and I couldn’t quit drowning myself in them. It took her looking away to avidly listen as Ty explained to her about how we went to the park, then to the store, how he helped me put the lasagna in the microwave; otherwise, I would probably still be staring into those amber-like orbs. As he was filling her in on the details of the day, I heated up our food. Just as I rounded the cabinet with our steaming plates, back to where they sat snuggled on his bed, I caught the tail end of his explanation where he totally ratted me out for buying him the candy bar.
“Hey, buddy! That was our secret. Now you have to pay for spilling the beans!” Stealing him from her arms after setting the plates on the dresser, I raised him above my head, gently shaking him as he giggled. Then I set him on his bed and blew raspberries on his little belly until he grabbed my hair and squealed. “Now you’re going to the bathtub for the rest of your punishment.” Turning back toward my little pixie on the bed, I sternly told her to keep her paws off my food or she’d be the next one to be punished, then waggled my eyebrows to ensure she knew I was playing with her.
“But it’s going to be cold by the time you’re done.”
“Oh well, I’ve eaten worse in the past. And someone must deal with this traitorous little monster!” At my hand curling into the “claw,” Ty laughed. Then I pointed to my plate. “Remember, my lasagna.”
The smirk she tossed my way told me she was all good. Before I could head back to the bathroom, she purposely made a big production of sticking her finger right in the middle of my slice of lasagna.
“Okay, sweetheart, two can play at that. Tu culo es mio.” My laughter was close on the heels of her sinister chuckle. Because her father had wanted to ensure his children fit in with American culture as well as their Mexican heritage, he had taught Sera and her brother Spanish as they grew up, so she understood exactly what I meant.
Setting Ty down, I instructed him to get ready to get in the tub as I started to run the water, checking to be sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold. As I turned to place him in the tub, a little naked butt streaked by and out to the main room. Little turd. Knowing he couldn’t get too far, I meandered after him, only to see him swiping the two little boats off the ottoman, the ones he had begged me for today. Now I completely understood why he wanted them so bad instead of cars or trucks.
“Kayde! You have to quit spoiling him.” Her eyes were narrowed at me with her hand frozen halfway to her mouth with a bite of food. All I could do was shrug and smile.
“I have a lot of years to make up for.” With a wink, I followed the mini streaker as he trucked back to the bathroom. Even though he was a good-sized boy, my giant-ass hands nearly touched as I circled his chest under his arms to lift him in the tub. The little goober wasted no time sending his boats floating in circles after each other. Just when I thought I had this parenting business down pat, he pretended his boats collided and exploded, sending water flying in an arc straight onto the top of my head as I knelt by the edge of the tub.
Uproarious laughter poured over me like warm honey. Evidently, she had just reached the door as the Hoover Dam let loose on me, and she was bent over, hands on her knees, laughing her cute little ass off.
“Oh, you think this is funny, huh?” Devilishness spreading through me, I grabbed her and rubbed my soaking-wet head right into her chest as she squealed. Ty was laughing by this time, and with my back to him, I pulled her peaked nipple between my lips and sucked it through the thin fabric of her now-transparent shirt and visibly lacy bra.
Pulling back, I grinned like the Cheshire cat. “You may want to go change, beautiful. You’re showing the goods.”
A burst of laughter exploded from her sinfully plush lips, and she crossed her arms in front of her exposed chest.
“Just go eat your food while it’s still hot, you troublemaker. I’ve got him from here.”
Only because I was starving did I follow her orders, but before I did, I nuzzled her neck as I passed her in the doorway. Even after working all day, she still smelled so damn good to me—and she tasted even better. What the hell is she doing to me? Telling myself I really needed to talk to her tonight, I sat on the end of the bed and ravenously consumed my dinner.
Like a real couple—which was really weird to me, even after nearly a week of doing this—we tucked Ty in, and he was sleeping before she could finish reading the book she had brought home for him. Fuck if I didn’t want this every damn night.
Pulling her over to the other side of the room, I fell back onto the couch and tugged her down into my lap. It was my turn to nuzzle her. “Rough day?” My face nestled into her as I slid the tip of my nose down her neck. Driving me wild, the faint scent of her perfume still lingered.
“Ugh. You have no idea. It was patient after patient today.” She worked in one of the biggest hospitals in San Antonio, and I knew they were always hopping nonstop. Wrapping my arms around her, I held her tight to my chest. “Mmm, you feel so good.” Turning her head to face me, her pink tongue slid along my jawline. Obviously, she felt my dick harden under her because she was quick to grind her ass into me.
Peeling her back, I looked her in the eye. It was important for me to stay focused because I needed to talk to her. My body would happily let the talk wait, but my heart and mind knew we needed to get it out of the way. I was running out of time. “Sera, we need to talk.” My fingers of one hand filtered through her silken ponytail, while the other slid around her rib cage, briefly cupping over her soft tit before splaying across her chest. Her heart raced under my fingertips. “What are we doing, baby?”
“What do you mean? I’m pretty sure we’re making out on the couch, and if I’m lucky, we’ll get further than heavy petting before we go to sleep.”
Humor at her comment had me smiling and shaking my head.
“I’m actually being serious. What are you wanting from this? Because I don’t want this to just be a fuck-buddy kind of thing.”
Tipping her head, she narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “Kayde, I… I guess I’m not sure what you’re asking.”
Her frown, mixed with her hesitancy, was a gut punch. Fuck, had I misread her this whole time? Maybe I should just drop this. No. I had hesitated years ago and thought I was taking the high road, being the martyr, whatever you want to call it. Look what that had cost me already. And if I was honest with myself, the thought of going back to the darkness I dwelled within before she came back into my life chilled me to the bone. The number of times I questioned my sanity in relation to my lack of emotion would be staggering to some people. My time in the Marine Corps was honorable, and I was proud to have served, but it definitely left me feeling soulless and my heart frozen in black ice. She, and her unexpected little sidekick, made me feel redeemable.
Running my tongue nervously along the inside of my bottom lip, I was craving a cigarette to calm my nerves just enough to let me get out what I needed to ask her. Finally, I metaphorically grabbed myself by the balls and let it fly. “Come back to Iowa with me.”
Silence.
“Sera?” Her blinking eyes were owl-like as she stared at me with her mouth hanging open.
“Jesus.” Muttering, she stood and stalked back and forth in front of me. Those actions and the whole situation didn’t ease my mind.
“Sera, baby, come with me. You and Ty. I promise I’ll never let that piece of crap, or anyone, hurt you again.”
She continued to pace until I thought she would wear a path in the carpet. Finally, she stopped in front of me with her head hanging, arms pulled tight around her abdomen. Tears hovered in her beautiful eyes.
“I can’t, Kayde. It’s not that easy. I have a job here. My family is here. And Ty, he’s all Marla has left of Tyler. It would be so unfair to take him away from her. Not to mention, he loves my dad and Marla. It would be cruel to take him away from his only grandparents. He wouldn’t understand.” Those big drops of moisture hovered and shimmered in her eyes until she blinked and they spilled forth to trail down her cheeks. My heart was shredding, as if someone was taking a razor blade to it, leaving superficial cuts all over it, letting me bleed out slowly to maximize my suffering. Her pain and tears did that to me.
“Sera, I can’t leave you here. It’s only a matter of time before he’s bound to find you. Having a place to stay that isn’t in your name won’t protect you for long. All he has to do is to wait for you to get off work and follow you. You know nothing about evasive tactics if someone was tailing you. Please, think this through.” Frustration vibrated through me, shattering my equilibrium.
She dropped to her knees in front of me, placing her hands on my thighs. “Now that he knows I’m serious and I’m actually gone, I really don’t think he’ll be a problem. Besides, my brother can keep an eye on me too.”
Snorting out my disbelief, I dropped my head back and stared at the ceiling for divine intervention with this situation. “Yeah, because he’s done a stand-up job of that so far, right?”
“Kayde, that’s not fair. We all deal with grief differently. I’ll talk to him. I’ll let him know what was going on. I never should have kept it from him in the first place, but I fell victim to Lawrence’s scare tactics and threats. Surely he won’t do half of what he said. He’s a fucking cop, for crying out loud. There are repercussions. He’s not God or above the law. If you’re that worried about me, then stay. Don’t leave.”
Did she understand what she was asking? Didn’t she realize it wasn’t easy for me to just up and relocate either? And I didn’t have someone potentially stalking me. She did.
“Babe, I can’t.” It briefly crossed my mind to just wrap her up and drag her back with me kicking and screaming, but I was pretty sure that wouldn’t have gone over well going through the airport.
Squeezing the muscles of my thighs for emphasis, she sighed and said, “Then you’ll just have to trust that I’m a big girl and I’m making my own decisions for the first time in over a year.”
“This is a bad idea. You know I can’t, in good conscience, leave you here unprotected. But I can’t stay, babe. I have to get back. I have a job, a club, a life there. I’m on the verge of buying the tattoo shop I’m working at. This is big for me. Please consider coming back with me. I don’t want to walk away from you again. I can’t protect you from up there. If you were with me, I could keep you safe.” The thought of leaving her had my insides knotted and churning. Anger simmered under the surface, biding its time, waiting to rupture the fragile control I had on it.
“It doesn’t matter where I am, you can’t guarantee my safety. Unless you’re going to be with me 24/7, and even then, shit happens. That’s life and you know it. We’ll just have to keep in touch, and we can visit back and forth until we figure all this shit out. There’s FaceTime and a million other ways to stay close thanks to technology. Unless you’re saying you don’t want to do long distance and you just want to call it quits now.”
The dark, ugly part of me wanted to lash out and say yeah, if I couldn’t have her, I didn’t want to see her or talk to her. Then the thought of never seeing her or Ty again left me feeling broken and bleeding.
Gathering her up to the couch, I pulled her to lie on top of me and brought one leg over hers, anchoring her to me. Her spun-silk hair escaped over her shoulder, and I twirled it around my hand. Using it as leverage, I pulled her lips closer to mine where I whispered across her dark pink lips, “We’ll figure it out. Somehow. Someway.” Just after our lips joined, our tongues tentatively reached out for the other. What started as a sweet, tender kiss morphed into a battle for dominance with no winner. It happened every single time. We ripped at each other’s clothing, desperate for the maximum contact of heated skin.
Breaking away, gasping for a lungful of oxygen, she gazed down at me, lust shining in her flushed cheeks, swollen lips, and glittering eyes. In that quiet moment, I knew I would die for her if need be. She was everything, and without her, my life was nothing. I was sure I’d be able to convince her to come back with me. I just needed a few days.
But a few days later, everything went to shit.
Uncle Javier’s club had come through with an apartment for Sera, and they would only let her pay enough to cover the utilities. She’d been pissed, thinking she was getting handouts or preferential treatment, but as far as they were concerned, she was family.
After checking out of the hotel, we grabbed the few things she’d acquired since she had left the asshole and brought them to the apartment. It was furnished and had all the things someone would need to stay for any period of time, so she didn’t have to worry about furniture or household stuff, just personal things.
Then I’d broken down and told her I was leaving the next day. I’d begged her again to come with me. Again, she had refused. Misery etched her face, and tears cut a path down her cheeks. “I need to be here. Tyler’s mom needs me and Ty. My dad needs us.”
“What about you, Sera? What do you need? You can’t keep doing this to yourself, living your life for everyone else. You can’t keep doing this to me. You traded one mantle of control for another, but you refuse to see it! I’m sorry you lost Tyler, that his mom lost him. I’m sorry we all lost him, and I’m so happy we still have a piece of him in Ty. But goddamn it, Sera, I already love that little boy like he’s my very own. Like I planted him in you the night we made love. Yeah, we made love that night. At least I did. Maybe it was born of grief and a desperate need to feel alive, but I fucking made love to you because I’ve loved you since the day I met you. I don’t want to leave either of you here, where you’re not safe.”
“What? Are you fucking serious? Then why didn’t you ever say anything? Why didn’t you fight for me, if that’s how you felt? Maybe because that’s bullshit. I remember how after Tyler and I started dating, you had some new fucking slut hanging on your arm every other day! That’s not a guy in love. I heard you, Christian, and Tyler talking when you were playing football in the backyard and you thought I was reading. Talking about those heifers and the things they did to you. Why would I think for a second you cared about me? Then you up and left me, Kayde. Left for the Marine Corps and never looked back. Oh, you sent or replied to an e-mail here or there. Occasional cards. But you never came back, Kayde. Just like everyone else, you fucking left me.”
“Jesus, Sera. I was a teenage kid. Did I fuck up? Yeah, I did. But I was hurt, and I was lashing out. I fucking knew you were listening with your nosey little ears perked up to hear every word. That’s why I made sure to say those things. Why I flaunted girls in front of you. Because I wanted, and hoped, to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I thought maybe you would show me that I mattered, that my feelings weren’t one-sided. It was wrong, and I admit that, but I was pissed that Tyler had what I wanted. And as far as leaving you? Fuck, would you have wanted to sit and watch me with some other girl? Her hands touching me in front of you day in and day out? Wondering if I fucked her slow and easy, or hard and rough? Because I couldn’t do it.” The shocked and hurt expression on her face almost had me stopping to find a way to give in to her. To stay here and give up everything I had back in Iowa. But I couldn’t do it. Yes, I loved her, but she obviously didn’t love me the same way or she would at least consider coming back with me.
At her continued silence, I decided to throw down the gauntlet. “Does that make me weak? Maybe. But there was no way I could sit around and watch the two of you have what should have been ours, if only I had opened my fucking mouth. If only I had not worried about betraying my best friend by wanting his little sister. Unfortunately, Tyler didn’t have such concerns, and he got to you first. So yeah, I wasn’t strong enough to watch him hold you while I held a bunch of cold ‘if onlys.’ You were going to divorce him, and now Tyler’s dead. Your brother didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on with you. Your dad works sunup to sundown, and you have one single solitary friend, thanks to that fuckwad you were with, but instead of giving us a chance, you want to stay here in your misery, wallowing in your self-pity about everyone leaving you, yet being here for everyone else. Not only that, but risk being found by the man who beat the living shit out of you for over a fucking year! What if, when he finds you, he turns that on Ty? What then? Will it still be worth staying here in this godforsaken town? So you make your choices. No one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. I love you heart and soul, Sera, but I’m leaving tomorrow.” Pausing, I dropped the two plane tickets I’d bought and paid for, when I foolishly thought she would jump at the chance for a fresh start away from all the crap and memories here, on the coffee table in front of her. “If you don’t show, I’ll know what your decision is. But regardless of your choice, I’ll always love you more than my next breath.”
Before I could cave, I walked out the door, got on my uncle’s bike, and headed back to my grandfather’s place. I was having dinner with everyone tonight before I left. I’d planned to stay with Sera and Ty tonight because I really thought she would’ve changed her mind and decided to get the fuck out of Dodge. Now I needed to clear my head. Needed some space.
I’d totally meant what I said. My next breath was less important than her, but I couldn’t keep hanging my heart out for her to shoot full of arrows because she wanted to use me up, but not love me back.