“Broken”—Seether (feat. Amy Lee)
THE NIGHT KAYDE DROVE away, I wanted to die. It was as if I had lost him all over again, on top of losing my husband. Despite the fact that Tyler and I were planning to divorce, we were still great friends and I loved him. The baby growing in my belly was the only thing that kept me from wanting to end my life—and that’s the God’s honest truth. My mind was shattered along with my heart. It felt like everyone I loved abandoned me.
My mother had left us and never looked back. We had no idea if she was even still alive. Kayde left after I graduated, and we rarely heard from him. Tyler died on me. He was young and should still be here, chasing his dreams and looking for the true love he so deserved. Instead he was cold in the ground. My brother could hardly be around me anymore because I reminded him of the loss of both of his best friends. Then Kayde left me… again.
Showing up the way he did, I thought he finally realized he loved me and was back to be with me. Instead, he gave me one of the most incredible experiences of my life and then told me to forget about him. How did he think that was even possible? If I had never forgotten him after he went off to be a Marine and into dangerous situations all the time—all without really keeping in touch—how did he think I could just pretend that night never happened?
Because that night, he showed me how very wrong I’d been all those years ago. My young, fickle heart had been so giddy with infatuation and conceit that Tyler had picked me over the hundreds of girls who drooled after the three of them that I had failed to see the truth.
The truth was, I had always loved Kayde. Probably from the day I met him when I was a little girl of almost four years old. It took me years to understand my brother’s comment that he always thought it would be Kayde. My brother evidently saw more than I did, because I was just now realizing the reason it tore me up so bad when he left.
Now he was gone again, but this time he’d completely cut me off. He’d obviously been disgusted with me for having sex with him the same day Tyler was laid to rest. Maybe not my finest hour, but was it so wrong for two people to seek comfort in each other at a time when they felt so very alone and lost?
Regardless, Kayde had essentially disappeared. So I swore I wouldn’t seek him out anymore. That included asking his family for information about him, much like a dog begging for scraps. Going against my own promise to myself, however, I went to his abuela’s the last time I went over to see my dad. Of course, they hadn’t had any real info to give me. They said he had left them a note saying he had to return to base for an emergency, but I knew better. Not that I said anything to them, because it would have broken his poor abuela’s heart. They said since he left, he had contacted them every time he returned from a mission to let them know he was safe, but that was it.
I was such a liar. No matter how much I told myself I wasn’t going to try to contact him, it tore me apart with the way we left things that night. So, like a fool, I had reached out. Except all the text messages I sent went unanswered, sitting perpetually on nothingness. His voice mail picked up every time I called, and then it’d been changed to a generic phone number one, so I wasn’t sure if he changed that or his number altogether. The first few times I left messages. After that, I quit trying, worried I was leaving messages on someone else’s new number.
My e-mails came back as undeliverable.
Letters came back return to sender, address unknown.
Months had passed, and nothing. Not a word.
Looking down at my beautiful son, I slid my finger along the curve of his soft, chubby cheek. If I didn’t know any better, he could’ve been Kayde’s son. I knew the curling, wavy hair was from me, but with it being inky black, it looked so much like Kayde’s. When he wasn’t sleeping, his eyes were a stormy blue. Of course, I knew they would probably change, but I didn’t know what they would end up being—blue like Tyler’s summer blue eyes, or hazel like mine.
The day little Tyler was born, the only one in the delivery room with me had been Marla. When I told everyone his name was going to be Tyler Kayde Healy, she had cried and told me her Tyler would have been so proud. Maybe it was stupid of me to name him after Kayde as well, but it felt right. Christian had just harrumphed, but I saw the small smile and the brief light in his eyes when I told him and my dad.
As I sat rocking Tyler, or Ty as I had taken to calling him, my mind wandered to times gone by, randomly and slowly flitting from one memory to the next. Shaking the old visions from my head, I told myself I needed to lay him down so I didn’t spoil him, but God, I didn’t want to let him go. Even though the little munchkin was getting heavy, and at his appointment today the doctor had told me he was in the ninety-eighth percentile for his height and weight, meaning he was a big boy. I still loved the feel of his chubby body in my arms, the scent of his baby-lotion-scented skin as I kissed his forehead. He turned six months old the other day, and he would never know his father. He also had yet to meet his namesake. It hurt.
When the doorbell rang, my little boy jumped in my arms but remained asleep. With a heavy sigh, I stood and placed him in his crib, kissing my fingers before touching them to his head, then rushing to the door before they rang the damn bell again.
Ever cautious, I looked out the living room window through the front porch to see a man in a suit standing there. Glancing past him to the street, I saw what appeared to be an unmarked police car. He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place him.
Stepping warily onto the porch, I was glad I always locked the storm door. “Can I help you?”
“Yes, ma’am, I’m Detective Madison. I’ve been working your husband’s case, and I was wondering if you had a few minutes so I could ask you a few questions.” He had my interest, but I was confused. Now I remembered who he was though. He had stopped by to talk to me and check on me several times after Tyler’s murder. A lot of the guys had though. They still stopped by at least once a week. Just a speculation, but I was pretty sure my brother had something to do with that.
“Umm, okay. Did you find the guy?” It had been over a year, after all. You would think it wouldn’t be that damn hard to find a guy who shot a cop during a route traffic stop, but it had been a damn cluster fuck from the beginning. The plates on the car had been stolen, the name he gave Tyler—along with his driver’s license—had turned out to be fake, and of course, neither Tyler’s dash cam nor his body cam had yielded decent video footage of the driver to attempt any facial recognition.
In a day where we watched shows about the crafty ways law enforcement utilized state-of-the-art technology to capture criminals, I found most of it was bullshit and the only places that shit was used was in wealthy areas and on TV.
“Could I come in for a moment? Here’s my badge if you want to call and check that I’m legitimate.” He held out his badge for my inspection, his dark brown eyes earnest and calm, but I shook my head. It was unnecessary; I remembered him pretty clearly now.
“It’s fine, come on in. Would you like some coffee? Water?” He politely declined, and I motioned for him to have a seat at the kitchen table as I turned up the baby monitor and set it on the counter behind me.
He proceeded to fill me in on the lack of information and leads they had. “Can you think of anything out of the ordinary that may have happened around that time? Anything you can remember may be helpful.”
“Like I told everyone before, there was nothing. It had been like any other morning and day. Nothing special, nothing concerning. Tyler was in a great mood, went through his morning routine like always, no changes, no concerns. And after so much time has passed, I doubt anyone is going to come forward with any new information, and I certainly don’t remember anything I didn’t remember then. No offense, Detective.”
“Please, call me Lawrence. And it’s fine, this is just a formality. Also, I wanted to check on you to make sure you and your son were doing okay and didn’t need anything. We stick together, and you’re still one of us—you and your son.”
Though the sentiment was nice, I didn’t really feel like I was part of the force family. It felt more like I was an obligatory burden. “I appreciate that, Lawrence. Really, I do, but we’re as good as we can be. We’re just trying to live our life. That’s all.”
“Well, if there’s anything I can do for you, please don’t be afraid to ask.” He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and handed me one of his cards. Nodding my thanks, I fought the tears that clogged my throat. Kindness was hard for me to accept.
He stood to go, and I walked him to the door. Just as he was stepping out the door, he turned and hesitated, running his hand through his short auburn hair. Clearing his throat, he looked down, then into my eyes. “So… Mrs. Healy….” He hesitated again.
“It’s actually Hernandez-Healy, but please, call me Serafina.”
“Serafina.” My name rolled across his tongue, and he smiled. His face brightened with that smile, and I realized he was a handsome man. “Umm, maybe I’m out of line, and you can tell me if I am, but… well, would you like to have dinner sometime?”
That was a surprise. In the time since Tyler was lost to me, not one single guy had asked me out. Of course, not a lot of guys were jumping at the thought of a ready-made family, and most probably assumed I was in a relationship when they saw me with Ty. It hadn’t bothered me though, because I wasn’t ready for the whole dating scene.
So when I accepted his invitation, it was as much a surprise to me as it was to him. But I was getting tired of just existing. Working in the ER, taking care of Ty, and staring at the four walls was the extent of my life these days. I needed a break. Some change. Maybe this would help, and maybe, just maybe, I might be able to forget about Kayde and the way my heart lurched at the mere thought of his name.