“Send the Pain Below”—Chevelle
THE TRIP NORTH WAS long and draining. Trying not to show her how nervous I was about being followed, I was constantly vigilant. What should have been a long but single day trip stretched into two because I didn’t want to overdo it with Sera.
Too many times, I found myself wishing we were a normal family on a normal family trip. Thinking about what Christian had said, I beat myself up for my stupid mistakes in the past, regretting all the lost years. If only I had talked to him back then. Then if I would have stayed after Tyler died, maybe she would’ve been spared all the shit with that fuckstick. There I went with the “if onlys” and “would’ves.”
Pushing all my worries back, I told myself we were young, and maybe we wouldn’t have lasted if we had gotten together then. And I truly was in a pretty bad place after Tyler was buried and gone. Could we have survived that? Would she have been able to handle being a military wife, dealing with me being gone all the time? Could this be how things were supposed to be? Not that there would ever be an answer to those questions. Maybe this was our second chance, or maybe this was fate’s way of saying this was supposed to be our first chance. Besides, I couldn’t live my life with “if only”; the therapist they assigned me before I got out of the Marines had told me that repeatedly.
It was around Ty’s bedtime on Saturday by the time we pulled up in front of my place. We’d had to detour by the airport in Des Moines so we could drop off the rental and get my Jeep. Ty had loved my beast; Sera had looked up at it with wide eyes and asked how the heck she was supposed to get up in it. No, it wasn’t that tall, but it did have a lift and I hadn’t gotten the new running boards on it yet, so for her tiny frame, it was quite a stretch. It hadn’t bothered me one bit to scoop her up and place her in the passenger seat, no matter how much she squawked.
I’d never been very self-conscious about anything in life. What the general people of society thought of me or my things didn’t matter diddly-shit. There was a first time for everything though. When I pulled my Jeep into my driveway, my heart started pounding, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sweat a little—and with it being so close to Christmas, it was cold as a witch’s tit, so that was saying something.
On a whim, I’d bought the house when I moved to Grantsville. It was in the same neighborhood as Hacker’s, just a couple of blocks down. When I first moved there, I stayed in one of his spare rooms. One day I was leaving the neighborhood and went up the road to go around the block and saw the For Sale sign. The thought of paying rent didn’t sit well with me, so I called the number on the sign.
The price was crazy cheap, but I found out it was because it needed more than a little TLC. Like, a lot. Pretty much, I gutted the house, literally bringing it down to the studs inside. I’d been sleeping on an air mattress since the day I bought it.
Thankfully, the first room I finished was the guest bedroom. You know, just in case someone from my family came to stay—even though I never invited them. Sera or Ty would be able to use it since it had a single bed in it. Sometimes I slept on it, but not often because I was really too tall for it. Then there was a dresser in my room I had picked up at a garage sale. It had seen better days, but it worked for me.
I had barstools up to the breakfast bar, which was where I ate. There was no other furniture in there, and I was a little ashamed for Sera to see it. There was no one to impress before, and I didn’t think she would be coming up here any time soon. At least the house was finished, but still.
“You have a house? Like you own it?” Sera’s surprise kind of rankled. Hell, did I not seem responsible enough to own a house?
“Did you think I slept in a tent? And no, I stole it.” My sarcastically dry question was given with a smirk, and she rolled her eyes at me.
“Smart-ass. No, but I figured you had an apartment. That’s all.”
Laughing at her show of spirit, I ran my hand roughly through my hair. “Well, in all honesty, I do feel like I stole it, because I picked it up ridiculously cheap since I needed to gut it and remodel the entire house. On that note, I have a confession before I bring you in.” My nose scrunched up as I gave her a side-eyed glance. “I don’t exactly have any furniture. Well, other than a single bed, which you can have, and some barstools. I just haven’t gotten around to it. Maybe you wouldn’t mind going down to Johnson’s Furniture tomorrow and helping me pick some shit out?”
The look on her face said she was excited at the idea but was trying to play it cool.
“Oh, um, sure. Yeah, I could do that. But Kayde, I don’t want to take your bed.”
“Naw, it’s not my bed. It’s the guest bed. Only reason I have it is because Reaper’s old lady insisted I take it when she found out I didn’t have a bed. Problem is, it’s too small for me, but I didn’t have the heart to refuse poor Steph when she thought she was helping me out. I sleep on an air mattress. If my feet hang off, it’s no biggie. In that bed, there’s a headboard and footboard, so I’m pretty much stuck lying curled up.” Shrugging, I looked into her eyes, which appeared more green than gold that night. The swelling was pretty much gone, but her bruising was starting to look worse. They always seemed to get worse before they got better. “You ready to head in?”
“Sure.” Her beautiful smile lit up my Jeep.
Damn, there I go grinning like an idiot again, just because she did. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to have her staying in my house. Now if I could just convince her to stay forever. But with everything she’d been through, I didn’t want her to feel pressured or trapped, so I’d have to take things slowly. And I certainly didn’t want her thinking I just wanted her for sex. After what she had endured, she may never want to have sex again. Fuck, that would hurt, but for her, I would be abstinent for the rest of my damn life if it meant she stayed. Making a promise to myself to keep my sexual attraction to her under control, I climbed out of the Jeep and unbuckled Ty from the back seat. It was obvious I hadn’t thought ahead to kids when I bought the Jeep, because it was quite a feat getting Ty out of there. Making a few mental notes, I grabbed his blanket from the seat.
“Okay, well, hang on and I’ll help you down. We need to get y’all some warmer clothes tomorrow.” Wrapping his little blanket around him, I rushed around the vehicle to help her down with one arm while Ty laid his head on my shoulder.
Letting her hold my arm, I walked her to the door. After opening it, I ushered her in. Pride swelled in my chest at the cathedral ceiling in the living room, the crown molding and baseboard throughout, the breakfast bar I’d built after opening the kitchen to the living room, and every other detail I had painstakingly redone in the house.
“Kayde, this is beautiful. You did all this?” After wandering into the kitchen and running the tips of her fingers along the subway tile I had installed between the lower and upper cabinets, she looked at me like she was impressed. Hell, if I didn’t feel like a prepubescent boy when my face got hot, and I knew I must be blushing.
“Uhm, yeah. Pretty much.” Pressing my lips in a line, I nodded as I looked at my work instead of in her eyes.
Ty started to wiggle, signifying his need to get down and stretch his legs after being cooped up in the vehicle for so long. As soon as he was down, he ran in circles before tearing into the kitchen.
“Hey, buddy, you need to calm down, okay? We’re in Mr. Kayde’s house.” She looked down at her son and ruffled his hair. “You need to go potty?”
“Potty!”
When she raised her jewel-like eyes to mine in question, I pointed down the hall that led to the bedrooms.
“First door on the left. If you want to give him a bath, there are towels in the tall cabinet.”
With a nod, she walked with Ty as he jabbered nonstop the entire way there. Her gasp at the bathroom made me smile with the knowledge that she liked it too.
While they were in the bathroom, I went back out to grab our bags. Setting hers and Ty’s in the guest bedroom, I dropped mine inside my bedroom door, then stopped in the doorway of the bathroom. The water was running, and Ty was leaning over to splash it around.
“Ty! No splashing!” She moved to contain the little whirlwind.
Watching her move slowly, I asked if she wanted me to bathe him. At my words, she jumped and her face drained of color. “Sorry, you startled me. And no, thank you, Kayde. I want to. I’ve missed this.” The flash of sorrow on her face had me stepping toward her. Enveloping her in my arms, I stroked her back with a light touch. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her any more pain than she’d already experienced.
“Do you need one of your pain pills? The doctor said to stay on top of it, and I know you’re getting close.”
Breaking away to shut off the water, she moved on to undressing the little munchkin trying to climb into the bath fully clothed. “It’s okay, I’ll take it after I put him to bed. They make me so tired. I don’t want to take it until I’m done.”
“Sera, I can help you with him. I really don’t mind, and I don’t want you to overdo it.”
“It’s okay, really.” Ty piped up at that time asking for his boats. “No, baby. Not tonight. We need to get you cleaned up and into bed. It’s getting late, and we have lots to do tomorrow. Maybe we can find you another boat tomorrow?” Initially, I thought he was going to cry when she said no, but then his eyes lit up at the mention of a new boat. “Would you mind too much getting me his PJ’s and lotion, Kayde?”
“Yeah, I got it.” Feeling like I was finally doing something useful to help her, I started digging through his bags. Pulling out a pair of Spiderman tops and bottoms, I dug around for some of his little underoos, smiling when I uncovered a pair of Spiderman underwear that would totally match the PJ’s. I brought my finds to the bathroom and set them on the counter.
The water was draining, and Sera had Ty wrapped in a fluffy gray towel as she briskly dried him. His eyes looked so tired, but he still got excited when he saw what I brought. “Spiduh-man!” This little guy warmed my heart with his innocence. If only he could stay untainted by the world’s shit forever.
First, she lathered him up in the relaxing-smelling lotion—I thought it said lavender something or other. When she turned to grab the PJ’s, I handed her first the underwear, which he stepped into one leg at a time while holding her shoulder. Her wince made me want to step in and take over, but I remembered what she said about wanting to do all this herself.
After he was dressed, I did lift him and carry him to the spare bedroom, where I pretended to drop him from high above the bed, then dropped him from about a foot so he bounced slightly, letting loose with his contagious giggle. As I swept the covers from under him, he continued to laugh until I knelt by the bed and covered him with the blankets.
Sera was digging through his little backpack and pulled out a book before she brought it over to the bed. Sitting on the edge, she prepared to read to him. He surprised us both when he burst out, “Kayde wead it to me!” Looking to her for approval, my heart raced in anticipation that she would allow this of me. I knew it was a special moment between them each night. Though she was trying to hide it, a small smile crept out and she handed me the book.
By the time I finished the book about a little blue train who saved the day, he was fighting to keep his little eyes open. Without thinking, I ran my hand through his dark waves, wishing again that he was mine. “Good night, little buddy.” My thigh cramped slightly as I stood, and I admitted I was ready for bed, but we needed to iron some things out.
“Sera, I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re done. If you don’t mind, I wanted to go over a few things with you.”
Nodding, she returned to her good-night ritual with her son. The possessive beast in me wanted to scream, “My family,” but I shoved him down, putting a lid on his disgruntlement.
Fidgeting around in the kitchen, an undeniable craving for a cigarette overtook me, so I stepped out on the back deck. As I lit up, I realized I hadn’t hardly smoked all day, mostly because I don’t smoke in my Jeep, but also because it felt wrong lighting up in front of Ty.
Blowing the trail of smoke out into the frigid night air, I looked at the hated white cylinder. Of course, it didn’t stop me from finishing it, then stubbing it out in the small pile of snow at the corner of the deck before dropping it in the old coffee can I had sitting by the back door. Lost in thought, I breathed out the last bit of smoke, then breathed in the crisp, cold night.
Stepping in through the french doors, I stopped to stare at the small woman perched on a barstool with her face buried in her hands. Without uncovering her face, she spoke. “You really should quit those, you know. They’ll kill you one of these days.”
Smiling at the nurse coming out in her, I washed and dried my hands, then walked over behind her, where I spun her stool slowly until she faced me. She tipped her face up to me, and her lips curved up slightly at the corners in a sad smile.
“Trust me, I’ve tried numerous times. But with you here, it might be the motivation I need to quit. We’ll see.”
“Why don’t you have a Christmas tree up?”
Chuckling, I shook my head at her change in subject. “For what? It’s just me. What’s the point?”
“Hmm. I guess that makes sense. Not that it matters now, but I was planning to come up and surprise you for Christmas. Looking back, maybe it wasn’t my best thought-out plan. I mean, what if you were seeing someone? That might have been awkward and not fair to you.” The dejected look on her face had me tipping her face up by the chin.
“There was never anyone for me but you, Sera. I mean, yeah, I’ve not been a saint, but I don’t think I’ve had a girlfriend. Ever.” There had been a girl when I got to my first duty station. We’d met at a bar, hooked up, and went out a few times. She was pretty enough and sweet, but it didn’t feel right, not with the knowledge we were given as soon as we got there that we would be deploying within months of our arrival. Then there was the simple fact that she wasn’t Sera, so I cut her off.
It was always like that. Any time I was with another girl, I felt like I was cheating on Sera, even when I was trying to act like I wasn’t bothered by her and Tyler being together, and I was hooking up with a different chick every week. “And if you want a tree, we’ll get a tree tomorrow. Besides, Ty should have one.”
“Oh, Kayde. After everything… why are you so good to me? And to Ty. I definitely don’t deserve you.” Her eyes closed, and I realized I was leaning closer to her, lips parted to invade her mouth that called to me, begging to be kissed. Shit. Stepping back, I cleared my throat and reached up to rub the back of my neck.
“If you want the air mattress, I’ll sleep out here on the floor.” A crestfallen expression flitted briefly across her face before she gave a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
“No, I’ll sleep with Ty in case he wakes up and is afraid. I’ll see you in the morning.” Without another word, she got up from the stool and walked to the guest room, quietly closing the door.
Dammit, that wasn’t how I wanted tonight to go. For one, I’d hoped to talk to her about the plan going forward; for another, I’d hoped she would ask to sleep with me. Just sleep. Maybe I should have just acted like I assumed she would sleep with me? Damn, I hoped I didn’t just fuck up again. Something told me she just didn’t feel the same way about me as I did for her though. Sure, she loved me, but that was about the extent of it. It was doubtful she was in love with me. Jesus, I felt like a freaking sap.
I’d always been a hardened motherfucker. Nothing bothered me because I’d pretty much left my heart behind in San Antonio when I joined the Marine Corps. With Sera back in my life, I was a fucking bag of nerves and felt like a puppy following her around, hoping for just a scrap of her attention. It was damn ridiculous.
Debating whether I should go after her and just clear up my doubts, I stood there with my hands linked around my neck. Deciding it was best to just leave it be for now and get some sleep, I shut off all the lights, checked all the doors were locked, took a last look out the windows ensuring everything looked kosher, and went to my room. My quiet, lonely room.
Pulling my pistol from the concealed holster at the back of my jeans, I checked the magazine, cleared the chamber, and set it on the dresser next to the air mattress. Thinking better of it, now that there was a Curious George in the house, I placed it in the top drawer under my socks and boxers. I’d hated leaving it in my Jeep when I went to Texas, even locked in the glove compartment, but apparently airlines frowned on people carrying guns on planes. Shocking, I know.
Dropping my clothes where I stood, I took one last longing glance at the door, trying to telepathically call Sera to me. Stupid. Flopping down on the mattress, I stared at the ceiling fan slowly spinning. Lost in thought, I just lay there. Breathing in and out.
Until I woke up in a cold sweat and shaking, I didn’t even remember falling asleep. The dream had been vivid that time. It sucked. Sometimes I woke and didn’t remember the details, just that it had my heart and adrenaline racing. Other times, like then, I remembered every fucking detail.
Erik’s blood running hot and thick through my fingers as I tried to stop his arterial bleed. The burning pain in my upper thigh as a bullet pierced the flesh. Except in this dream, Erik’s face slowly morphed to Tyler’s, and he was begging me to take care of Sera. I kept telling him to hold on, that help was coming, even as I felt my consciousness slipping, black dots swimming in my vision.
When his hand grabbed my wrist and he demanded my promise to love her and keep her safe, my shock sent me reeling. Telling him he was crazy and that we were only ever friends, he shook his head with a smirk. Then he whispered that he was sorry that he stole her, even though he knew I loved her. His request for forgiveness was the last thing he said before he coughed and blood splattered from his mouth.
Jolting awake, I felt like I was suffocating. Trying to catch my breath, I checked the time on my phone. Shit, it was only three thirty in the morning. Knowing I wouldn’t be getting back to sleep, I pulled on some sleeping pants, grabbed my pistol from the drawer, and shuffled out to the kitchen. Using the light over the stove to see, I made a pot of coffee. My hands were shaking like a motherfucker.
Glancing over my shoulder to check down the hall, I reached up in the cupboard by the stove and brought down the mason jar I kept stashed up there. Pulling a joint out of the small baggie shoved in there with all the other crap, I then fished a lighter out of the end drawer.
It was cold out, but I barely felt the chill as I dropped into the cheap plastic chair on the deck, set my pistol in my lap, and lit the end. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply and held the potent smoke in my lungs. Coughing slightly as I exhaled, I felt my heart rate slow, and the shaking began to subside. It worked that quickly for me. Fucking VA. If only they’d approve marijuana for medicinal use, PTSD would be a hell of a lot more manageable, but try telling that to them.
People wanted to argue it was a gateway drug, which was bullshit. I’d never had the desire to use anything else in my life. What for? What I used worked. The people who wanted to say it led to them using other things probably had addictive personalities to begin with. Hell, to my knowledge, my parents never progressed past weed either. Of course, I wouldn’t really know since I hadn’t heard from them in years. I knew they were still alive because my uncle Gunnar talked to my mother periodically. She could call her brother but not her fucking son.
As I sat smoking, I made a mental note to call Snow in a bit. He was usually an early riser, so I shouldn’t have to wait too long. I would thank him for keeping everything between the two of us, and bounce some ideas off him. Not that I didn’t trust my brothers, but I wanted as few people as possible to know Sera and Ty were here. Hacker had too much on his damn plate right now, so I wouldn’t even tell him.
Taking another hit off the quickly dwindling joint, I gazed around the backyard, checking for anything out of the ordinary. After sitting there in the quiet for a few minutes, I stubbed out the last of it, leaving the roach, which I brought in and flushed. No need to leave evidence on my back porch since it was still illegal here, right?
Pouring another cup of coffee, I sipped the black brew and scrolled through the news on my phone. Nothing exciting.
It was probably late enough, so I dialed Snow and waited for him to answer.
“Joker. Everything okay?” Snow wasted no time on small talk.
“Yeah, Prez. Just wanted you to know I’m back.” Filling him in on what had transpired, I also thanked him for keeping everything on the down low.
“Not a problem. So, is she staying or is this temporary?” Leave it to Snow to cut to the chase and the bone.
“Shit, I don’t know. I’m hoping she’ll stay, but I guess time will tell.”
“Think she can handle club life?”
Honestly, I didn’t know. I’d like to think she was tough and could handle anything, but after what she’d just been through, who the hell knew.
“Of course. She’s tough.”
“Okay, because we don’t need a repeat of Hollywood’s situation. I love that girl, but sometimes I’d still like to kick her ass for putting herself, and in turn the club, on the line.” He was referring to when Becca had tripped out, thinking Hollywood was messing around on her because he was pulling security at the strip club we owned. Of course, it was partially his fault because he didn’t want to tell her where he was pulling duty because it was club business. It would have been okay for him to tell her they’d had some issues and the members were taking turns as extra security, without giving details. But who was I to judge?
“I hear you, Prez. But I need to tell you, if that asshole shows his face up here, he’s dead. I will not think twice. I just wanted you to know. I’m not saying I’ll be stupid about it, but if he shows up, he won’t be leaving the area unless it’s in a body bag.” Just thinking about it was starting to piss me off. I knew it was time to change the subject.
“Son, all I ask is that you use some common sense and keep me in the loop. Don’t do anything to jeopardize yourself or the club. While we have a good relationship with the cops around here, we don’t need a spotlight on us, if you know what I’m saying.” It cracked me up that he referred to me as “son” when he was only in his late thirties to early forties.
“Roger that, Prez. I’m totally tracking.” We spoke a little longer before he ended the call and said he’d see me Monday. By the time I hung up, the sun was just starting to shine through the windows.
The door to the guest room opened quietly before I heard soft footsteps on the wood floor. “Mmmm, do I smell coffee?”
My eyes raised to see Sera walking into the kitchen. Still a sight for sore eyes, even bruised all to hell, my heart thumped in my chest. It took every bit of restraint I had not to touch her. So badly, I wanted to push her against the counter, drop her little pink sleep shorts, and fuck her through the wall.
Goddamn, I need to get a grip! I was losing my ever-loving mind. She wasn’t anywhere near up for that, and I’d likely traumatize her for life if I did.
“Uh, yeah, it’s not super fresh, but help yourself. I’m going to get dressed. Whenever y’all are ready, let me know and we’ll head out to the furniture store. Well, first to grab some warmer clothes for you and Ty.” I couldn’t get away from her fast enough. The X-rated thoughts in my head were on the verge of making my sleeping pants tent embarrassingly prominent.
Jesus effing Christ, how was I going to survive having her living in my house and not being able to touch her? This had to be the worst form of torture imaginable.