“Given Up”—Linkin Park
NEVER IN A BILLION years would I have imagined I would be like this with Sera. It felt like I had waited my entire life for this moment. Every nerve ending in my body screamed in complete and utter satisfaction. Fuck, it was heaven on earth, with my own personal angel actually here in my arms. Burying my face against her neck, I held her tight, preventing her from moving because I knew if she did, I would be lost.
Shit, who was I kidding? I was already lost. She had owned my heart since she was almost four and I was only five. Now she owned my very soul—what was left of it anyway. When she began to fidget and squirm, I held her even tighter until I couldn’t stand it any longer, gripping her hips in a bruising hold.
“Sera. Don’t. Move,” I ground out. She didn’t listen and continued to wiggle on my lap as she whimpered in need. My face still pressed to the curve of her neck and shoulder, I inhaled her sweet, sweet scent, and I was gone. Ruthlessly, I thrust up into her tight, wet heat, raising her up until her perfect tits pressed into my face. When she held my head to her, I savagely suckled her breasts, leaving red marks from my scruff on her smooth, golden skin. My teeth nipped, and then I reverently soothed her with my tongue.
Her pussy wrapped so tight around my cock, I didn’t think I would last five minutes. Each stroke into her was pure, unadulterated rapture. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my entire twenty-four years. Once I started moving in her, I couldn’t stop. She just felt too fucking good. It was like coming home. It was so… right.
It wasn’t just me though, because she rode me just as hard. Frantic need washed like a tidal wave over the two of us as we slammed into each other. The echo of skin hitting skin filled my ears and drove me harder, faster, deeper with each movement. The pleasure continued to build until we were both racing toward the ecstasy that seemed so close, but just out of reach.
My rough hands skimmed over her lush, soft curves. She was perfect. So fucking perfect. Nirvana bloomed on the edge of my senses. So close. In. Almost. Out. Yes. In. Fuuuuuck. There….
My brain barely registered the roar that burst from the depths of my soul when her luscious body tensed against me and her pussy began to pulse around me. Vaguely, I heard her whisper-moan my name. Our emotional pain bled away, and all that was left was euphoria, a relaxing ebb and flow of the tide of our gratification.
Enveloping her in my arms, I held her close, and for the first time since I was a baby, I cried. Tears fell for the boy I used to be, for the loss of my childhood friend, for the loss of the friendship we three boys had, for the hesitation and lack of self-worth that kept me from claiming her for myself back when I was still young and innocent and more deserving of her than I was now. She held me as tightly as I held her, and without words, she allowed my tears to cleanse my soul. When she pulled back and kissed my face, catching my tears with her tongue, I felt shame.
This beautiful, forgiving angel had allowed me to use her body and then cry over my sorrows when it was she who had lost her husband. One of my best friends.
At that thought, all the goodness and light she had built around me with her selfless acts crumbled, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit that had ever walked the earth.
What the hell had I just done?
Pushing her off me, I stood and jerked my pants up, feeling our combined fluids coating me. Jesus, what the fuck? No. Goddamn it, I was so fucked up. Her face registered surprise and shock at my actions. She should be shocked. I held myself in contempt.
“Kayde,” she began as she righted herself, then stood and took a step toward me. “What just happened?”
“What just happened? We never should have done that, that’s what happened! Oh my God.” My hands laced behind my neck, I paced as I tried to make sense of my actions. If I honestly analyzed my feelings, I truly didn’t feel regret at what we had done, just guilt that I could be so selfish. Because I fucking loved it. In fact, my body wanted her again. And again. And again. Until neither of us could stand. Until there wasn’t a coherent thought in either of our heads. Until she loved me as much as I loved her.
But I also knew that was ridiculous and wishful thinking. I didn’t deserve her. Not in the slightest. She was everything good, and I was everything bad.
“Don’t say that.” Hurt saturated her whispered plea.
“¡Caray! Don’t say that? Don’t say what, Sera? The truth? We shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong of me to do that to you. I defiled you, and I can’t take that back!”
Her hurt morphed to anger. “Are you fucking serious right now? You defiled me? Really? Kayde, you were always one of the sweetest and kindest boys I knew. How could you ‘defile’ me? That’s ridiculous!” Her shouted words only made me angrier.
“Goddamn it, Sera! I’m not the same person I was back then!” I yelled.
“None of us are, Kayde! That’s life!” She was magnificent in her fury.
“You don’t understand the things I’ve done! ¡Dios en el cielo! You deserve better than anything I could give you. Better than anything I am.”
“Stop.” The mixed expression of shock and hurt on her face ripped at my chest.
“No! Jesus fucking Christ, Sera. I just fucked my dead best friend’s wife on the night of his goddamn funeral, for fuck’s sake! What the hell kind of person does that?”
At the word “dead,” she gasped through her teeth.
Pain laced through her every word. “Kayde. You didn’t force me. I’m a grown woman. I have the ability to make my own choices. We needed each other, and we shared something beautiful in that need.” A slender hand reached out and softly slid down my arm, but before she could grasp my hand in hers, I stepped back.
“Then choose to forget about me. Forget this happened. It was fucked up and it was a mistake. I’m sorry. It should’ve never happened.”
Without another glance in her direction, because I was afraid it would be my undoing and I would stay to take her again, I grabbed my boots and walked out her door into the pouring rain, barefoot. Tossing my boots in the passenger side of my Jeep, I climbed in and slammed the door.
Fingers gripping the steering wheel, I willed myself not to look at her, but just like Lot’s wife, I couldn’t resist. As I pulled away, I took one last glance at her standing on her top step, getting drenched in the downpour. Unfortunately, I didn’t turn to salt. Which would have been for the best, because then the rain could have just washed me away.
That last image of her would be burned into my memory for years to come. Despite the rain, I could see the tears that ran down her face as she screamed for me to stop.
Chest aching like someone had cut the last of my heart out, I kept driving. Stopping at my abuela’s long enough to throw my meager belongings in my duffel bag, I didn’t wake anyone to tell them I was leaving. Instead, I grabbed a piece of paper from my grandfather’s desk and jotted down a quick note full of bullshit about having an emergency back at base and having to leave immediately. It would be a long time before I came back, but I didn’t write that. My family meant the world to me, but the fear of what I might do to Sera if I stayed any longer or came back too soon pushed me to go.
She didn’t need my kind of trouble.
It was early the next evening when I pulled up to the address Erik had sent me after I called him to tell him I was almost there. The sky was an overcast dark gray that matched my mood just fine. Wisely, he hadn’t asked why I was showing up so suddenly. The trip had been miserable. Between driving in the damn snow halfway here and no sleep… shit, truthfully, that wasn’t even that bad compared to the fact that the whole fucking drive I smelled her on my skin. The scent of her exotic spicy perfume and sex filled my Jeep. Jesus, I needed a damn shower. ASAP.
Looking out my window, I studied Erik’s family home. The house was an old Victorian house. A big fucking house. Like in my world, it would damn near be a mansion. What the fuck was Jaeger thinking, joining the Marine Corps when his family was obviously rich?
Not my business.
When I looked up, I noticed him standing on the massive porch leaning on his crutches. Giving him a nod, I turned off the ignition and climbed out, stretching my leg, which felt like my muscles had been knotted up into my groin from sitting so long. Reaching for my bag, I decided it could stay in the Jeep for a while; I’d get it later. Tromping through the snow that had accumulated on the sidewalk, I headed toward the warmth of the house.
“Hey, man, the drive okay? Good to have your Jeep back?” Steam cohabited with his words as he spoke. Yeah, that’s fucking cold to me. He leaned his crutches against the side of the house so he could hug me. Hey, it was a manly kind of hug, not some sissified hug. I’m not ashamed to say I loved this guy like the brother I never had.
Looking over my shoulder at my lifted, blacked-out Jeep Wrangler with oversized tires and wheels on it, I grinned. I fucking loved my Jeep. My plans were to modify it for rock crawling. “Yeah, that drive was long as fuck, but it was okay. And hell yeah. It sucked having it stored at my family’s while we were gone. I missed it. You still using your crutches? Thought you’d be going for runs by now.” Giving him shit again made me feel more normal.
“Shit, I try but my mom trips. I walk just fine, but she’s all worried and taking my doctor’s orders to the T. So pretty much I just carry them around and use them when she’s looking.” Snickering, he looked over his shoulder to make sure she wasn’t anywhere around. Trying not to, but failing, I busted out laughing at this grown man being afraid of catching shit from his mom. Aw, who the hell was I kidding? I’d be the same with my abuela.
“Erikson, is this your friend? Why are you making him stand out here? He must be freezing coming here from Texas. Come in! And you better be using those crutches, not just having them hold up the walls.”
Erik looked sheepishly at her before she stepped back and motioned me in. Little did she know, it could get downright fricking freezing in the mountains in Afghanistan, especially at night. But it was definitely colder here than back home. And I fucking hated the cold.
“Yeah, Erikson, get your damn crutches.” Mumbling quietly to him as I walked past him made me grin.
“Man, fuck you. Indigo.”
“Erikson! Language!”
We laughed, and that earned us both a dirty look, which we appeared duly chastised for. Moms were a novelty to me since mine was never around long. “So, are you boys staying here and heading back together? Erickson never told me what his plans were.”
Erik rolled his eyes as he stood behind her where she couldn’t see him. “That’s because he never told me if he was coming for sure until this afternoon, when he was a couple hours out from here.”
His dry reply brought back my reason for heading up here when I did, and I struggled to swallow the baseball-sized lump in my throat. Never able to get anything past him, I noticed as he narrowed his eyes at my actions.
His mom was oblivious to the unspoken conversation going on behind her as we made our way to the kitchen. “Well, I’ve got coffee or hot chocolate, if you want something warm, or there is beer in the fridge.” Erik’s look of “Are you serious? You won’t let me drink right now!” had me pulling my lips between my teeth to keep from laughing.
“Coffee’s fine, Mrs. Jaeger. Thank you, ma’am.”
“Oh, look at those manners! But please, call me Sheila. There’s sugar on the table and creamer in the fridge.” She bustled around the kitchen, pulling mugs from the cupboard and pressing the button on the Keurig to start my cup of coffee. She handed it to me when it was done, and I held the cup in my cold hands, allowing the heat radiating through the ceramic to warm them. She was right that it was cold out. Not the coldest I’d ever experienced, but cold just the same.
“Thank you, ma’am. I mean Mrs. Sheila. Black is fine though.”
His mom’s blush made her appear like a young girl despite the fine lines around her eyes. She seemed like a kindhearted woman, and I could see several physical resemblances between her and her son. It made me feel the ache of longing for my mother. Not for the first time, I wondered why I was never good enough for my mom and dad to keep.
“Of course! Are you hungry? I could make you something.” She began to rummage around in the refrigerator, already looking for something before I could even answer.
“No, thank you, Mrs. Sheila. I actually grabbed something at a drive-through in a town I went through not far from here. But I appreciate the offer.”
As she abandoned her search, she stood and some of her blonde hair slipped from her sloppy bun. “Okay, well, if you change your mind, you let me know. I’m going to go make sure there are plenty of towels in your bathroom. Erikson will show you to your room whenever you’re ready. I’ll just let you two boys visit. It’s a pleasure to have you here, young man.” With a smile, she left the room, and Erik dropped to a chair at the table that was in a nook off the kitchen.
“Thank God. I love her, but she hasn’t left me alone the whole time I’ve been here.” His hands ran through his dark hair, leaving it standing on end all over the place.
“That hair doesn’t look in regulation, Jaeger.” Setting my cup on a coaster at the table, I dropped into the chair across from him with a smirk.
“Man, fuck off.” As soon as he said the cuss word, he cringed and looked around for his mom. It was funny as shit. “So, you’ll be in the guest room next to my sister. Bexley is in town because she’s on break from school. She goes to Iowa State and stays with my brother Jonathan while she’s there, but comes home over breaks. Don’t fuck with my sister.” His deadpan expression had me shaking my head at him.
“Dude, don’t worry. The last thing I need is female trouble right now.” Slouching back in my chair, I took a tentative sip of my coffee. “You grew up here?” Changing the subject, I gestured around me with a nod of my head.
“Yeah, I did. Man, this house holds a lot of memories. My parents keep talking about selling it after Bexley graduates this year, and it tears my guts apart, you know?” Standing slowly, he walked over to make himself a cup of coffee—without his crutches. “But they keep saying it’s too big. So I keep telling them it will be full of grandkids one day and they’ll be thankful for the space.” I think it dawned on him what he had said, because I saw the shadow that crossed his face. He’d told me about why he joined the Marines, so I knew that was a sore subject for him.
“You planning on giving them grandkids after what happened?” My voice was soft and sincere, all joking set aside. He damn near avoided women like the plague after what he’d been through.
“Fuck no. But if I had my guess, my oldest brother, Jon, will be having one before we know it.” Returning to the table, he looked me in the eye and hit me with what I knew he’d been just biding his time to ask. “So what gives? You told me you had stuff with your family and didn’t know if you would make it. Then suddenly you call me and say you’re almost here. Now you say you don’t need female trouble. What the fuck happened to make you change your mind and show up here like that? Was it Sera?”
My eyes closed to avoid meeting his, but all I saw was Sera, so I opened them and stared sightlessly at the cooling coffee in my cup. This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about yet. “No. It was nothing, man, just needed to get away from everything there. Besides—” I looked up and forced a grin on my face. “—I missed your ugly ass.”
“Man, what-the-fuck-ever. All right. No problem. You tell me when you’re ready.” Didn’t know when that would ever be. Just the thought of talking about Tyler’s death, then what happened with Sera, made it hard to breathe.
“Man, I need a smoke. You mind if I step out onto the porch real quick?”
“No problem, but know that if my mom sees you, she’s gonna be ragging on you to quit.” Smirking, he waved me to the kitchen door that led to the back porch. The frigid air had me smoking in record time before I rushed back in to the warmth of the kitchen.
“¡Chingados! It’s cold out there. How do you live in a place like this? Damn!” Shivering head to toe, I sat back at the table where I grabbed the still-hot mug and wrapped my fingers tight around its blessed heat. Ignoring his chuckle, I took as big a drink of the steaming brew as I could.
After I started to thaw, we sat there in silence, drinking our coffee and letting our demons swirl in our heads.