“Falling Apart”—Papa Roach
THE DAY HE RETURNED to Iowa was almost worse than the day Tyler died. It hurt too much to watch him leave, so I stood in the apartment, fighting tears and losing, as he walked out the door. Those tickets taunted me from the coffee table where they sat for days after their date. It was impossible for me to throw them away, so I had put them facedown in one of the kitchen drawers. More than anything, I wanted to use them, but it wouldn’t be fair to my family or Ty. Before he left, Kayde had set Ty and me up in a small but clean two-bedroom apartment in a fourplex his uncle’s club owned. Javier said they used it for when they had club members or family visiting from out of town. We’d been there for about two months with no word from Lawrence, so I counted my blessings.
There was only one full-time resident, and she was also a single mother. She was quiet and, initially, we rarely had in-depth conversations. All I’d known at first was that she was a former brother’s “old lady.” That term still cracked me up because I really thought she was going to be actually old when Javier told me about her. Anyway, by former I mean he died when a truck ran a red light and T-boned him, killing him instantly. Poor girl. Her baby had been a mere year old at the time. Then, after his death, Emily had lost her job because they said she missed too much work after he died. I’d never understand how people could be so heartless.
After about a week or two of shuffling Ty around to my family members and Amy, Em caught me in the small laundry building out back and we got to talking. She was still struggling with the loss of her fiancé to the accident and was crying when I walked in with two heaping baskets and Ty on my heels. Ty had broken the awkward moment in his guileless little boy way by climbing up into the chair next to her little girl and introducing himself. It sent a pang to my heart as it transported me back in time to a little boy who looked so much like Ty and that little girl who told him he was going to be her best friend forever.
Shaking my head to clear the memories and the pain in my chest, I watched as she tried to wipe away the evidence of her grief and paste a smile on her face. “Hi, I’m Emily. This is my daughter, Rose. I’m sorry I’ve been kind of antisocial. It’s been a rough day. Hell, it’s been a rough year.”
“Hey, I understand. Trust me. I’ve….” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been there.”
That was the catalyst for one of the toughest conversations either of us had probably ever experienced. Finding out she wasn’t alone helped her open up. She’d had a hard time because she had no family in the area, and her few friends didn’t understand since they had never experienced an unexpected loss like she had. They all thought she should accept it and move on because it had been over a year since his death.
One thing led to another, and we were talking about my schedule and how hard it was to find daycare. That’s when she told me she did medical coding from home for a couple of local clinics and offered to watch Ty for me. It was a mutually beneficial situation for us; she earned some extra money to help with her bills, and I had a great sitter right in my building.
Since then, we became friends, and on my weekends off, we were often together. She and Rose had even joined me a few times for dinner with my dad. He had taken to Rose as if she was another grandchild and was even trying to teach her Spanish. Amy even loved her, and we had enjoyed a girls’ night in my apartment where we painted our nails and drank wine while the kiddos slept in sleeping bags on the living room floor, propped up with pillows from the couch. They had tried to stay up late watching Frozen, but couldn’t hang with the big dogs.
Knowing I had time to get changed, I trudged up the steps to let myself in the little apartment. Dropping my keys on the kitchen table, I shuffled my tired legs into the bedroom and peeled off the nasty scrubs spattered in blood from the hellish day I’d barely survived. Glancing at the clock, I shot off a text to Em to let her know I was home and was taking a five-minute shower to get the germs off me before I went down to get Ty. She answered right away, telling me to take my time, the kiddos were playing but she was putting Rose to bed soon, so if she didn’t answer to let myself in.
For just a few minutes, I stood letting the hot water wash over my exhausted body, easing the tense muscles. After scrubbing vigorously, I rinsed and rushed to get dried and dressed. Every day I worked, I missed Ty like crazy, and I couldn’t wait to get down there and grab my little ray of sunshine.
Another person I missed like crazy was Kayde. For almost a month after he left, we didn’t talk. Ty would ask about him nonstop. I’d finally broken down and called him. Not having him to hold me at night was awful, and that first night I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I almost said “fuck it” and packed our things to go to the airport. Then guilt settled in, and I knew I couldn’t just leave my family like that. But not being able to even hear his voice had been killing me, so one night after Ty went to bed, in case Kayde told me to fuck off, I called him.
Since then we’d talked every damn night. As a matter of fact, he should be calling in about forty minutes so he could FaceTime with Ty before I put him to bed. It was hard to say which of them looked forward to that more. I hurried to get ready so I could go grab Ty.
This separation had been hard on all of us, and I told myself every damn day that I needed to figure out a solution that worked for both of us. No, for all of us. Ty was definitely a part of this impossible equation.
My phone rang and I lifted it, looking at the number on the screen first. “Hey, girl, you okay after today?”
Amy blew out a frustrated sigh. “Barely. Today was a bitch, huh? Is it a full moon or something? Damn, how many traumas did we have? I think I lost count.”
There had been several motor vehicle accidents that had ended up at our ER. “There were three, but it just seemed like there were more because there were so many people involved in that second one. They should come up with a safety feature on cell phones that disable texting while in a moving vehicle. Something. Did you hear two of the three accidents were direct results of texting and driving? Dumbasses. Anyway, I’m frickin’ beat. Just getting ready to head down to get Ty from Em, then talk to Kayde before I crash for the next two days.” Laughing, I opened the fridge to grab the orange juice. Pouring a small glass, I sipped it as I slipped my feet into my slides.
“Damn, girl, that man is hot as hell. I can’t believe you didn’t run after him with the clothes on your back and Ty tucked under your arm like a football.” Amy had literally smacked me in the back of the head when I told her everything that had transpired with me and Kayde. She told me I was being foolish, that we only got one life and we should live it to the fullest, grabbing every bit of happiness from it we could.
“It’s not that simple.”
“The hell it’s not, Sera. It’s exactly that simple. Your dad is a grown man, and he isn’t decrepit. He doesn’t need you around to babysit him. Neither does Marla. And I think they would want you and Ty to be happy above all else.” This was the same argument we’d had when I first told her.
“Not tonight, Aim. I’m too tired to hash over this with you.” Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the counter.
“I’m sorry, girl, I didn’t call you to argue or stir shit. Really, I just wanted to know if you wanted to have a girls’ day, get a pedi and do a little shopping the day after tomorrow. I wanted to do it tomorrow, but they just called and asked me to work because Julie called off sick with the flu. So I figure the next day is my only day off this week, and I’m gonna need some girl time. You know, shopping therapy. Maybe have lunch after?” Her voice was hopeful, and I felt bad for being short with her. She had been by my side for everything. Hell, she’d wanted to go shoot Lawrence when I finally broke down and told her what I had been enduring.
“You know what? That sounds amazing. Let me see if Em will watch Ty for a few hours for me. But I need to go get my little man. After those kids today, I just need to hold mine close, you know?” That was the worst part of working in the ER sometimes—the kids. Whether sick, hurt, whatever. The bad outcomes made you want to just appreciate the little miracles you were blessed with every day.
“All right, chica. I’ll swing by to get you at about nine. If Em can’t watch Ty, it’s no biggie. He can be my little date when we go.”
Smiling and letting out a little laugh, I agreed and ended the call. Maybe I didn’t have a lot of friends, but the one I’d managed to keep had been die-hard and I loved her like crazy. She would go nuts when I told her I had asked for the week of Christmas off to go up to spend it with Kayde. Hell, Kayde didn’t know yet because I wanted to surprise him. I must be nuts to even be thinking of going up there in the middle of the winter. A shiver snaked down me at the thought of driving in that cold white crap. Despite my fears of the driving conditions, I was excited. It was only another few weeks away. His gift was wrapped and sitting under my tree with a big huge bow Ty picked out.
Though my legs were tired, the trip downstairs to get my boy shot an extra boost of energy to them and I was down in record time. When Em didn’t answer to my light knock, I knew she was putting Rose to sleep, so I opened the door.
The TV was playing quietly in the living room as I walked through to the kitchen where I heard soft voices. Ty must be eating his bedtime snack. Em spoiled him so bad. A grin stole across my face at the thought of sneaking up on him and peppering him with kisses as he softly giggled.
The smile on my face died a slow death as I walked around the corner and stopped dead in my tracks. Pounding out a staccato rhythm, my heart nearly ruptured and my hands shook at the sight before me.
“So good of you to join us, Serafina. Ty here has been missing me, haven’t you, son?” His voice was screeching nails on a chalkboard as I screamed in my head for him to take his vile hands off my baby boy. Words escaped me as I watched Ty look up at Lawrence and smile. Innocence in the clutches of evil. When his cool eyes left my son and rose to me, I almost passed out. “What’s the matter, darling, cat got your tongue?”
Eyes furiously darting around for Em, I was terrified of what he may have done to her. “Where’s Em and Rose?” Cursing the quiver in my voice, I tried not to act as terrified as I was, but by then I was trembling head to toe. Nausea roiled in my guts.
“Mmm, the girl is sleeping. The mother is, um, indisposed. Come, sit.” Command dripped from his words, and I knew this was bad. So very, very bad.
As I made my way around the table, I reached my arms out to Ty. “Hey, baby, Momma missed you. Come give me a hug.”
When Lawrence’s arms tightened on him, Ty quit his movements to follow my request and looked at Lawrence in confusion.
“No, he’s going to stay with me for the moment. Once I get confirmation that you understand everything I’m telling you, he can go to you. Do you understand me?”
Nodding, I prayed someone would show up to help us, but in my heart I knew we were probably fucked.
“We’re going for a little ride. You’re going to take Ty in and put him to sleep in the mother’s bedroom.” He paused. “Unless you want him to go with us?” The venomous words seeped from his mouth and were spoken in such a friendly voice, one might’ve been fooled into believing he was an old long-lost friend if they didn’t know him like I did.
“No. He can stay here. You want to have a sleepover with Em and Rose, Ty?” Smiling as if my life depended on it, I did my very best to sound excited for Ty. His innocent little face brightened at the prospect of having a sleepover, and my heart broke at the very real concern that I may never see him again. Dread infiltrated every cell in my body as I scooped Ty up in my arms, careful not to touch even a hair on Lawrence’s body as I did.
“Hurry, my sweet Serafina.”
A sob burned in my throat, but I wouldn’t let it escape and scare Ty. Stepping into the hall to place Ty in Em’s room, my sharp in-drawn breath had Ty looking in the direction I was facing to see what I was gasping over. Before he could see Em sprawled on the bathroom floor, I pressed his face to my chest and hurried to the bedroom. My friend had been facedown, with a small pool of blood seeping out and blending with her chocolate-colored locks where they were spread around her head.
Shaking hands stroked my son’s small face, committing every detail to memory. Certainty in my demise had me kissing him and telling him to always remember how very much I loved him. Of course, he asked if Kayde was calling him. My heart broke. “No, little man, not tonight. He had to work late, but he said to tell you he loved you to pieces and he’d talk to you soon.”
As I made up a story about a little prince who was so loved by his mother and then rescued from the evil dragon by the unsuspecting knight, he began to appear sleepy. His eyes were heavy, and he was dropping off to dreamland before I kissed his soft cheek one last time. Visions of Em’s body lying crumpled in the bathroom had me crying silent tears. Sending up an apology to her for inadvertently pulling her into the shitstorm of my life, I thought at least she would be with her love. With great sorrow, I mourned the loss of both of Rose’s parents, feeling guilty at being the cause of her losing her mom. The thought of the little girl being raised by strangers and both kiddos being raised without their momma or daddy made my chest feel like it was caving in.
Just as I was standing, I remembered my cell phone was in the pocket of my running pants. Glancing over my shoulder to see if Lawrence was there, I remembered something I had seen posted on Facebook. Pressing my power button over and over, I was surprised when it worked, and I was directed to an emergency call. Right when I heard someone answering, I jumped at the sound of footsteps in the small hall. In a rush, I shoved the phone in the covers, praying Lawrence wouldn’t hear the voice of the person on the other end of the line, but that the person would hear me.
“Are you done? It’s getting late.” His voice made me cringe. I couldn’t believe I had ever been attracted to him in any way. My every sense was on high alert, and my body was poised for flight.
“Lawrence, I don’t want to go with you. I can’t leave the children here unattended. What if they wake up and find Emily like that? Why did you have to kill her?”
“Shut the fuck up, Sera. Maybe you should have thought of that before you ran away. Their situations are on your hands. You’ve been very disobedient, and it’s time I showed you that I won’t tolerate that from anyone. Especially you. Get up. Let’s go.”
Hesitating, I considered acting like I was kissing my baby good night and grabbing the phone to have it with me. Then I wondered if it would be better to leave it here so the authorities could get to the babies before something happened to them while they were unattended. Making the choice to leave the phone with Ty, I leaned over to kiss him and whispered, “Help me.” Before he could come closer to my innocent son, I stood on legs that threatened to buckle under me.
“You can’t just kidnap me, Lawrence. People are going to find out I’m missing and come looking for me.” At the increasing strength in my voice, he stalked closer, grabbing my arm in a punishing grip.
The blatant fury in his face was terrifying, but I tried like hell to maintain calm. Grinding his teeth, he flared his nostrils and growled, “There won’t be anything for them to find. Let’s fucking go, bitch.”
As he shoved me in the front seat of the same car I had abandoned when I left him, terror engulfed me, and I instinctively tried to lunge out of the door. His fist to my face had me falling back into the seat as black spots swam in my vision.
Sobbing, I curled into myself as tight as I could, praying for either rescue, which I was pretty sure was futile, or a quick death, which I knew was a wasted prayer as well. He was going to string out this punishment as long as he could, ensuring my suffering was maximized.
Oh, Kayde, I love you so much, and I never even told you. You poured out your heart to me, and I tossed it away. I should have listened to you. I should have gone with you. Please help take care of my baby boy for me, and don’t let him forget me.