CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Sean didn’t trust himself to say anything as they walked out of Serena’s dorm and headed for his frat. Not only because he was so damned angry with her mother...but also because for everything Serena had ever said about wanting to stay at Stanford, he finally realized just how high the outside pressures on her were. Not only from her mom, but also from powerful movie stars like Smith Sullivan who wanted her to star in one of his films.
The truth was that when she’d brought up the movie the previous night, Sean hadn’t asked for any extra details because he hadn’t wanted to even think about the possibility that it might get put back on her schedule in the future. Instead, he’d stupidly wanted to bury his head in the sand and believe that nothing would ever pull her back to her old life. Exactly the way his sister had so wisely predicted it would, a handful of weeks ago.
Losing someone he loved again was his worst fear.
But how could he have stopped himself from loving Serena?
Especially when seeing her with his family today had changed something inside him, had taken the love he already felt for her and made it so much bigger. So much deeper. Even the small moments had mattered so much, like when his dog had licked her face and she’d been so carefree, so happy. He’d made a silent vow to do whatever he could to give her that happiness all the time. But the crazy thing was, it had taken her mom coming today to show him that facing the hard stuff tonight was probably the only way either of them could really get to that happiness.
Which was why, as soon as they were inside his room, he said, “Yesterday, when you found those pictures of my mom...I’m really sorry for what I said to you.”
“You’ve already apologized. More than once. You don’t have to apologize anymore, Sean.”
“It just…whenever I think about what I said about you and your mom, how I refused to even try to understand why you hadn’t spoken to her since you started school...” He regretted more than he could say every word that he’d flung at her about taking her mother for granted. “God, I’m an asshole, Serena.”
“You’re not an asshole, you just—”
“Made stupid assumptions. Really stupid ones. Because even without giving me the full picture, you gave me enough little pieces here and there that I should have put it together.” He took her ice-cold hands in his to try to warm them. “My parents always completely supported me in doing whatever I wanted to do…and yet I still keep bowing to the pressures of playing baseball rather than spending time doing things I might end up liking better. I mean, I like baseball and going pro wouldn’t suck. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn’t been good at it, if I might be more focused on photography by now. But you had no one to stick up for you, did you?”
When she replied with a soft no, he had to work like hell to rein in his fury. “You are so damned brave, Serena. Do you even see it in yourself? How strong you are?”
She didn’t respond for several long moments, and he knew she was going around and around and around inside her head over decisions about the future that she felt she needed to make right this second.
Finally, she asked, “What was that like? Having a mom who loved you just the way you are?”
He’d told her she could push him, that he needed her to push him when no one else would. But now that she was, and he knew it was finally time to let it all out...it wasn’t easy. Not even close. Every muscle, every tendon in his well-tuned body was poised for flight. But he’d already admitted to her that he might want to take pictures more than he wanted to play baseball, which was something he’d never said to anyone. Hell, it was something he hadn’t even wanted to admit to himself, not when it was easier just to keep moving in the direction everyone believed was his destiny. But what if he—and Serena—were actually meant for different destinies? Ones that veered from her beauty and his athletic prowess? Ones that had her poring over books in libraries and had him photographing sunrises in the mountains?
“I thought everyone had a mom like mine,” he finally told her. “She was home with us until Maddie started kindergarten and then she went back to teaching third grade. We used to complain about having her at school with us, because it meant we couldn’t get away with anything, but we all secretly loved knowing she was there. If you fell down or felt sick or just needed to ask her a question, she was just a few doors away. And always ready to listen.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t a secret to her how you really felt.”
“It wasn’t,” he agreed, able to smile about those memories for the first time in what felt like forever. “There were a lot of us to wrangle, but our house was always open to our friends, too. The six of us would often turn into twice as many in the afternoons, and it was pretty crazy, but somehow everyone knew what was on the okay list and what wasn’t.”
“Was she strict?”
He nodded. “It probably came from having to keep classes of kids from rolling over her, but she was also really fair. Of course, even knowing the rules, we would still get into all kinds of trouble.”
“Now that I’ve met your brothers and sisters,” she said with a little smile that he was so damned happy to see, “I can only imagine the trouble all of you must have gotten into.”
“I was eight years old and stupid as a brick when I broke my wrist. Justin stopped laughing when he broke his ankle. Drew had already been through it with two broken legs by then, though.”
“Two?”
“We’d see him coming in the wheelchair going a hundred miles an hour and we’d all scatter trying to save ourselves. Even Olivia and Maddie broke fingers and toes. Only Grant skated through unscathed. The stories I could tell you...” He grinned, thinking back. “Most of the time, though, even when we got in trouble, as long as no one got really hurt, she’d tell us we were all grounded or doing extra chores for the next week. But then she’d also compliment us on our creativity and would tell us to keep thinking outside the box, just to be a little smarter about it in the future.”
“She would actually encourage you guys to break the rules?”
“Amazingly, she did.” He laughed. “And maybe it was because she trusted us not to screw up too badly that none of us really went too far.” He laughed again. “Well, except for Drew.”
“What did he do, beyond breaking both legs and terrorizing all of you with the wheelchair?”
“It’s not my story to tell, unfortunately. But I’m sure you’ll be able to get it out of him one day. There’s nothing he likes more than bragging to a pretty girl about what a badass he is.”
Serena smiled back, but he could see it was forced this time, and he knew why. He’d brought up their future together...one that suddenly seemed uncertain.
“My mom didn’t tell us right away that she was sick. She’d had a cold for a while. At least, that’s what she thought it was. My dad was the one who finally insisted on taking her to the doctor. She hated doctors and hospitals, ever since she was a kid and had ended up in a hospital with pneumonia. And since she was always really healthy, it didn’t seem like a big deal that she didn’t go much. The cancer…it was already pretty advanced by the time they checked her out. They said—” Oh man, he’d made it this far, but suddenly he didn’t know if he could get all the way through it.
He heard Serena say his name and realized that she had put her arms around him and was holding him tight. “You don’t have to keep talking about your mom. It’s too hard.”
But even though it was the hardest thing he’d ever done, he needed to get it off his chest. Finally, get it out there. “They said that if she’d just come in for her regular exams, they probably could have caught it in time.” Anger rose up inside him. “In time to save her life.”
“Oh, Sean. I’m so sorry.”
“I was so mad at her. So damned mad.” His throat had tightened up, and it was hard to get words out past the lump that had formed. “She left us all—she died—because she was afraid of getting poked at by some doctors a couple of times a year. Damn it…” The tears he hadn’t let himself shed were finally falling, and he couldn’t seem to stop them. “I’m still mad. I shouldn’t be, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.”
* * *
There was such deep, powerful love in Sean’s voice when he spoke about his mom. And such pain, too. Pain that broke Serena’s heart into tiny little pieces. Especially now that she knew his grief was both for losing her...and because he’d been beating himself up over his anger at how it had all come to pass.
“You wouldn’t be so angry,” she finally said while his heart beat hard and fast against her own, “if you hadn’t loved her so much. And I can see why you did. She sounds like the perfect mom I always used to dream of having.”
“I thought she was perfect. But she wasn’t.”
“When I was modeling, I always hated the word perfect and the pressure that came with it,” she admitted, “especially when I knew it wasn’t possible to be perfect, that someone would always find some flaw, something about me that could have been better. I was expected to be prepared for absolutely every possibility, but I was just a kid trying to do my best and I think...” She swallowed hard as he drew back to look at her. She didn’t have a clue if this was the right thing to say, but needed to risk saying it anyway. “I think your mom was doing her very best. And from everything you’ve told me, she was awesome and amazing and fun and loving. But she wasn’t perfect. None of us are.”
As he continued to stare at her, she held her breath, praying she hadn’t just upset him even more. Not when it was the very last thing she’d ever want to do. But then, when he finally reached out to cup her cheek, she knew it was safe to let her breath whoosh back out of her lungs.
“I thought it was going to be so hard to talk about her again.” He leaned forward slightly so that his forehead was pressed to hers. “And it was, but you made it easier.”
“Any time you want to talk about your mom, or anything else, I’ll be there,” she promised him. “No matter what else is going on—” Even if she ended up on a movie set far away from Stanford. “—I’ll always drop anything to be there for you. So if you want to talk more tonight—”
But he was shaking his head, and she could feel the change in the way his fingers were stroking over her skin. From pure comfort…to the first stirrings of desire.
“I don’t think we need to talk about my mom, or yours, anymore tonight.” His other hand cupped the other side of her face. “Do you?”
There were a million more things they could have said to each other about the past and the future. But, suddenly, she realized he was right—they’d both gone through enough for one night. The hard decisions would still be there waiting for them in the morning.
But tonight, while they had each other, they should celebrate the one thing they both knew for sure: They loved each other.
“As the last remaining nineteen-year-old virgin on the planet,” she said softly, “I used to wonder if I’d ever know for sure that I was ready, or if I’d just eventually end up having sex because I felt so behind the curve and needed to catch up.” She couldn’t believe she was actually smiling while speaking her most secret thoughts aloud, but that was the magic of being with Sean. Even the impossible no longer seemed out of reach. “But I’ve never been so sure about anyone or anything in my entire life. And I’m so glad you’re my first, because I can’t imagine trusting anyone else the way I trust you. I’m so glad I waited for you, that there hasn’t been anyone else.”
His mouth was almost over hers when he whispered, “I’m really glad there hasn’t been anyone else for you, either.”
And then he was kissing her, and it was their sweetest, sexiest, most incredible kiss yet. One that swam through her bloodstream like a drug she’d always crave more of.
And yet, in a night of revelations, when all she wanted to do was let herself drift away in sensation, she couldn’t quite turn off her brain, couldn’t stop herself from saying, “I wish—”
“Tell me, Serena. Tell me what you wish and I’ll do whatever I can to make it come true.”
She shook her head. “It can’t happen, and anyway, it’s not fair of me to ask for it.”
“I’m pretty sure we’ve crossed a pretty big bridge tonight, one where we’re not going to hold back with each other even if what we’re saying isn’t easy, right?” When she nodded, he said, “So, tell me.”
“I can’t help but wish I was your first, too.”
He took her hand and put it over his heart. “You’re right, I can’t undo my past. But you have to know that you’re the first person who has ever made my heart beat this hard. I want you around all the time. I want to bring you up in every single conversation. I thought letting myself feel again would mean feeling too much, but I couldn’t resist falling in love with you. You’ve done more to open my eyes back up to the world I’ve tried to close myself off to than anyone else could have.”
“You’ve opened me up, too,” she told him. “You’ve helped me see and experience things I never would have trusted anyone else with.”
“I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, Serena. So in every way that counts, you are my first.”