After slamming my bedroom door shut, I dive on the bed, and bury my head in the pillows, hugging the teddy bear from my father close to my chest while trying to block out the screaming going on downstairs.
“Why would you think it’s ok to take your little sister to that party?" Mom yells.
“Mom, nothing happened." My sister’s words sound slightly slurred.
“That’s not the point. You’re older, you know better than this, and instead of looking after her you got drunk and left her to fend for herself.”
“So, I’m not supposed to have fun because I have to look out for her?"
“You’re supposed to take some responsibility and look out for your sister”
Pushing my head deeper into my pillows so I can’t hear them anymore, I wish I could take back telling mom where I was because I know my sister will turn this around on me. It’s always the way. Suddenly, my door flies open. Ashley, my sister, is standing in the doorway with a pissed off look on her face.
“This is all your fault. If you had kept your mouth shut, none of this would have happened.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think mom would have been home from work.”
“You’re the reason everything has turned to shit. You’re the reason daddy left and now mom says we have to move back to Newcastle. You’re the reason I won’t be able to see my boyfriend anymore. When are you going to stop being mommy’s little girl and grow the fuck up?"
She rushes at me and I cower. She grabs me roughly, digging her nails into my arms. I cry out as I feel her nails break the skin
“My friends are right about you, you’re pathetic and ugly. No wonder you have no friends.”
“That’s not true I have, Brooklyn." I defend myself in a weak voice.
“She won’t be your friend when she finally wises up and sees how pathetic you really are.”
I gaze through tear-filled eyes into the eyes of my sister, not recognizing who she is anymore. Ever since daddy left, she has been different. I use to look up to her and wanted to be just like her when I got older. With her beautiful blonde hair and tanned skin, size 8 figure. She’s perfect. Me? I have fiery red hair, pale skin and curves.
Her words hurt every bit as much as the things she does to me. I feel like I owe her, not being the good sister she deserved. I’m not clever like Ashley either. I do okay in school, but I’m not the smartest person. I don’t have a lot of friends. I have Brooklyn and when we don’t have school we’re constantly together. I’m not sure how I’ll cope if we move away from here.
I run my finger over the recent cut on my wrist hidden under my watch, Ashley looks down and notices what I’m doing.
“Why don’t you save us all the trouble and do it already, I’m sick of hearing you cry every night. You're broken and that will never change."
She pushes me back onto the bed and I watch through tear-filled eyes as she leaves my bedroom. I wait until I hear the door shut before I crawl under the covers, pull my diary out, and let the worthlessness I feel out.
Dear Diary,
Why did I open my mouth, why do I ruin everything I touch?
It’s all my fault. If only I was a better sister, maybe then Ashley would like me.
No wonder daddy left. I’m so pathetic.
I vow from this moment on, the only person I will trust is Brooklyn until she realizes I’m not worth the trouble and she walks away too.
I will build a wall around myself, one brick at a time, and keep pushing forward.
I will try to be stronger than the blade I hold in my hand.
I hate myself.
True to my mother’s word, we packed up and moved back to Newcastle. She said it was time for a fresh start for all of us and we could be near our grandmother. Ashley seemed to get worse after we left. She was hardly ever home, and if she did come home, she was high or drunk. I’d be walking around on eggshells trying not to upset her. I learned to build a wall around myself and tried not to let anything she did or said hurt me, I had become so closed off, I wouldn’t let anyone in. I didn’t trust anybody, especially guys. Men usually said things to get what they wanted and then they would up and leave just like my father had. I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was sad when Ashley went out one day and never came back, she was still my big sister, but I was relieved too. I no longer had to stay awake at night, worried she’d hurt me while I slept. She always threatened, I may not wake up in the morning.
About a year after we moved, mom became ill and my time was spent looking after her. I’d make sure she got to her appointments and the treatments she needed. I tried to contact Ashley, but she was always too busy or just didn’t give a shit. In the end, I was the one to pick up the pieces and make sure everything got sorted when mom passed away. My grandma moved in with me to help out, but it ended up being me helping her. I didn’t mind, but it wasn’t the same - I still felt alone.
It was a sad and lonely time and the only person I had left besides grandma, was Brooklyn. She made me realize at least one person gave a shit about me. She understood me, and accepted me, for who I was. She understood why I’m the way I am. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have her.