Katherine
Dear Diary,
Today is a good day, I feel like I can breathe again for the first time in what feels like forever. But, even on my good days, I still have the same thoughts running on replay through my head, threatening to take me back to a place I dread, but know so well. Wondering, will I ever be good enough? Wondering, how long it will take for him to wake up and leave? Wondering, have I made the right decision letting Antonio back in? But, it must be the right decision, it feels right. I can’t find the words to describe how it feels to have his love, to have him claim me as his. It’s like a new wall is being built, but this time we are building it together, around us. When he said he has had a black hole inside his chest and I fill it, the last couple of bricks in my wall collapsed. All that was left was me, raw, real and I saw it in his eyes when he realised I had finally broken.
I’m not perfect, and there are things I wish I could take back, but I need to move past my demons. I know I will never be one hundred percent, but maybe this is the beginning I need. I wish I could take away the pain I have caused in him.
Antonio is the reason I believe I can start afresh and push forward.
He has given me a reason to believe in myself, shown me I can be better than what I have been. I know he has scars too. I feel them beneath the tattoos covering his chest and I know from experience, where there are physical scars, there are also emotional ones. I want to be strong enough to fight my own demons and help him fight his too.
He knocks my world off its axis in the most wonderful way. I want to share my life with this man, and it’s the first time ever, I have let myself believe it could be possible.
I don’t want to hurt anymore, I can't walk away from this man again, not that he would let me. He sees through everything I try to hide inside me, it's as if I'm transparent to him. I never believed a love like this existed. I have nowhere to hide when it comes to him, he's peeled back the surface and he sees every hidden place within. Being so vulnerable with someone is scary as shit, but maybe it's a good thing too. Maybe for me to get better, to feel accepted, wanted, loved, I need to show him every crazy thing about me. If he can deal with all that I am, and still stick around, then maybe opening myself up is worth every bit of happiness he wants to give me.
What is true Happiness? Is it a smile, a touch, a whisper in the dark? Or, is it having someone who knows you inside and out and still wants to stand by you? Someone who says, no matter what, you will always be theirs. Is it too much to hope for, to dream of, to be happy, and truly free from the black hole which seems to want to steal everything good in my life? So yes, it’s scary as fuck. But, life is about taking risks, and Antonio is my biggest risk of all. I will take that plunge off the deep end, and hope to God he is at the bottom to catch me. In my heart, I know he will be.
To feel like I'm nothing for most of my life, and then to have Antonio walk in and make me feel like I am his whole world, it knocks the wind out of me.
I have never let myself believe, I could have a happy ending, but maybe it’s possible. I have to stop fighting it, because this pain and uncertainty I feel now, is nothing compared to what I felt without him.
When I woke with him beside me this morning, it felt like we were finally one and nothing could tear us apart. The scent of his skin, the look in his eyes, the way he let me cling to him as I fell apart in his arms, giving me his strength. The promise was there in his eyes, his word was reflected, no matter what we encountered, he would be there for me.
The voices telling me to stop fighting, give up, leave this world, are still there, but I’m stronger with Antonio by my side, and when I can’t fight anymore, I know he will be there to help me through.
No, I’m not magically better. Miraculously cured. I know I will deal with this for the rest of my life, but now I have someone who loves me. Someone who truly cares and will help when I break and feel the darkness pulling me under. I’m going to listen to my heart, instead of my head, and fall into Antonio. Knowing, he will hold me up when I haven’t got the strength to do so myself.
I want to know what true love is.
I want to feel again.
I want to breathe.
I want his touch.
I want his kiss.
I want to be strong.
I want to see the light.
I want to be his.
I want him to be MINE!!!
I hear the creak of the bathroom door and close my diary. After placing it on my nightstand, I watch Antonio stride into my room with a towel wrapped around him, small beads of water cling to his chest. I lick my lips as the glint of his nipple piercing catches my eye. Fuck he's sexy.
“Kitten, stop looking at me like you want to devour me, otherwise, I will have you on your back before you have a chance to blink."
Fuck, his deep voice, the words from his sexy mouth, causes heat to pool low in my belly. I squeeze my thighs together to ease the sudden ache there.
“We have to go over to Dom’s place," Antonio says.
That snaps me from my lust fuelled haze. I remember Antonio telling me what happened at Dom's place last night and I need to make sure Brooklyn is okay after shooting the bitch from the night club. I couldn’t believe what Antonio had told me.
“I’ll have a quick shower." I jump to my feet and hurry toward the bathroom.
“You kept them?”
I glance over my shoulder, and see Antonio standing in front of my dressing table looking at the post-it notes.
“Of course, I did. I will never part with them." I head into the bathroom and close the door. Leaning against it for a moment, I take a deep breath, close my eyes and see the words he had written to me.
Strong, Fierce, Beautiful, and my favorite, Loved. Every time I felt like I was being pulled under, reading those words helped more than he will ever know. Reaching over I turn on the water, stripping myself from Antonio's shirt, I step under the hot spray and let the water work its magic on my aching body.
Pulling into the driveway at Dom’s place, I reach for the door handle when Antonio parks the car.
“Kitten…."
I pause with my hand on the door and look back at Antonio. I see the sparkle in his eyes before he wraps his hand around my neck, and pulls me to him. His lips claim mine in a kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck, I deepen the kiss, loving the way he tastes. Pulling back, he rests his head against mine, we're both breathless.
“I love you," he manages to gasp.
My body tingles hearing those words, I'm still trying to believe this is actually happening.
“I love you too, Stud."
He winks before releasing me, and climbing out. I watch as he rounds the front of the car and opens my door. After stepping out, I adjust my black, high waisted skirt.
“Fuck."
I hear his growl, but before I have time to respond, my back hits the side of the car. Antonio’s lips are back on mine, and I moan, wanting more. He lifts my leg, wanting to rest on his hip, but considering how tight my skirt is, it won't work. Instead, I lock my ankle around the back of his knee. I push into him and feel his hardness as he rubs into my core. I moan, he groans at the contact, and fuck, do I wish we were somewhere else right now.
A throat clears to get our attention. When he steps back, I see in his eyes, he isn’t happy we have been interrupted.
“What?" he snaps, not taking his eyes off me. Frustration oozes from him.
I bite my lip to stop the giggle that wants to escape.
“Mr. Grasso, we have a warrant for your arrest."
What the fuck is happening now? My head is spinning, trying to register those words. I turn to find two police officers standing behind us. I cling to Antonio and can't believe his next words.
“I don’t fucking think so, cazzo. How about you, and your mate, get back in your fucking car and get off private property."
“Not happening, Mr. Grasso. This can go easy and you can come willingly, or we can cuff you, your choice. Either way, you're coming with us.”
“You have to be fucking joking, I am not going anywhere with you." Antonio starts to lead me toward the house.
Then, all hell breaks loose. The police have hold of Antonio, who is refusing to let go of me, and then I hear screaming. I think it must be me because Dominic and Brooklyn come flying out of the house, well Dominic does. Brooklyn waddles, fast.
Antonio is yelling at the police, as they push him to the hood of the car. “Get your fucking hands off her, touch her again and I promise, I will make your life fucking hell before I watch it drain from your body."
Holy, fucking, shit he's pissed. I need to get these cops hands off me. I scream at the one holding me. “Don’t fucking touch me, get off me." Finally, the officer lets me go, and I run toward Antonio who is cuffed and being led to the waiting police car.
What the fuck just happened? My mind is in a daze. I see Dominic heading toward me, tears pour over my cheeks, I can't breathe. Dom's arms are around me and he's yelling at the police. “Dom, don't let this happen, I need him." I'm begging between breaths. "They can't take him from me, not now. I just got him back. No, no, no, this can’t be happening."
Dom releases his hold and seems to push me toward someone else. “Sergio, take Kat inside."
I glance around and see Demetri, Sergio, and a few other men I don’t recognise, standing around. They're standing, watching, doing nothing, as these fuckers take my world away.
“Don’t just stand there, do something," I scream at the top of my lungs. Why aren't they doing something? Why are they letting the police take my world?
“Kat, shhh babe. Dom and his men will sort this out, let me take you inside." Brooklyn's arm is around my waist, in her other hand is the walking stick she has to use. Broken, knowing I can't do a fucking thing, I wrap my arm around her waist and we make our way up the stairs and into the house.
What the fuck just happened? Is this some cruel, sick joke? Giving me a taste of happiness, then ripping it away?
I need him back.
He's MINE!!!