Katherine
Dear Diary,
It’s been three weeks since I have seen Antonio, three whole weeks since he walked out of Dominic’s house without so much as a goodbye. At first, I thought maybe it was for the best but now I’m not so sure. God, I miss him, but I keep telling myself to be strong and he is only doing what I asked.
So why do I feel so alone?
Every day it seems I struggle even more.
I hold the blade to my wrist every morning, praying for the strength not to use it. Today I failed. I held the blade to my skin until a single drop of blood slid into my palm, tears streamed down my face. I was in two minds about what to do, I was so determined to keep going but something was holding me back.
It’s like an endless cycle.
Every morning when I rise, I try not to look in the mirror. It will only justify in my mind, there is no-one to miss me.
I hate myself.
Every day is a battle, trying to convince myself, I don't miss him.
I try to convince myself that I don't look forward to seeing him, even if it's only a glance.
I wish I didn’t have to battle these demons every minute of my life. I wish the past would stop clinging to me like an old coat. I don’t want to look back and dwell on things I can’t change, but no matter what I do, it’s always there tapping me on the shoulder.
I read a few other entries earlier to remind myself why Antonio is better off without me.
I am Broken. Every day I feel like I die a little more.
I place my Diary on the nightstand beside the bed and look around my bedroom hoping to find answers as to why I keep feeling like this. The walls are beginning to close in on me, little by little, inch by inch. I need to get out of here and go for a walk, clear my head. I peer through the French doors, it’s nearly sunset.
Gazing out over the water, I breathe in the fresh evening air. It’s like a soothing balm to my soul, I don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders out here.
I draw in another deep breath and wrap my arms around myself, there's a slight chill and light spray off the water in the air. I love this time of the evening; the sun is setting and the light on the old lighthouse flashes to life. I wriggle my toes in the sand and listen to the waves crash over the rocks. A couple of surfers dot the water, sitting on boards bobbing on waves. They are mesmerized by the colors of the sunset. It’s peaceful.
I sense him before he speaks, his energy surrounds me when he is near and a calm washes over me. I stand and turn to find Antonio watching me. He's behind me, all 6’3" of him, wearing black jeans and a gray fitted shirt. My eyes rake over his body and I hate that the first thought which pops into my head, is of how much I have missed him. His dark hair looks dishevelled, and needs a good cut, his face is sporting close to a full beard.
I gaze into his eyes; the color reminds me of the whiskey he likes to drink. My eyes travel down to the tattoos climbing both arms. My stomach twists and I want to run into his arms, feel the warmth of his body, but I force myself to stay put.
I can’t give him what he needs, he has to move on. Wrapping my arms around myself a little tighter, I bow my head. If I look into his eyes again, I know I will see the hurt there and break. I summon all my strength, I have to do what needs to be done. I can't hurt him any more than he already is. I suck in a deep breath and start to walk past him, but stop dead in my tracks when I hear the pain in his voice.
“Please don’t walk away from me, Kitten. I don’t think I can handle you turning your back on me again.”
I stand rooted to the spot, my back is to him. He doesn’t see the tears falling from my eyes and running in streams over my cheeks. Just keep walking.
“Katherine, please tell me what happened to you? We can work it out together?”
I shake my head, there is no working it out. It is what it is. “I can't," I whisper, hoping he will leave me be, but I should have known better.
“You can, Kitten. Talk to me. It has been absolute hell without you in my life.”
“It just won’t work, Antonio, you need to move on."
I tried to hide the heartbreak in my voice, but I don’t think I fooled him. I feel the warmth of his body as he moves closer, and then his arms wrap around me. I'm surrounded by his warmth, making me feel whole again, for the first time in a long time. Fuck, I want to relax into his embrace and let him in. I’m exhausted, tired of fighting my demons. I want to fall asleep in his arms and feel wanted. But, I hold strong and step from his arms.
“Don’t," he starts to say before I cut him off
“I’m sorry," I breathe out as the tears start to come faster and I quickly walk away. Don’t look back. Don’t look back. I repeat to myself. Be strong, you can do this.
I breathe a sigh of relief when I reach my car. My heart squeezes in my chest when I realize he hasn't followed me. A sob breaks free and I feel sorrow deep in my bones, having his arms around me just now, would be the last time he will touch me.
Starting the car, I will myself not to look back. But, I’m only so strong and sneak a glimpse in the rear-view mirror. He looks lost standing alone, watching, shoulders slumped, no easy smile, and then he turns his back and looks out at the ocean. I wipe away my tears, and try to stop more from falling. But, I fail when I realize I have left my heart on the water’s edge with him.
Antonio
I can’t watch her leave again, I have kept my distance for three whole fucking weeks hoping to Christ she would open up and talk to me. I won’t give up on her. On us. I look out over the water as the sun finishes setting, wondering what else I can do to bring her back to me. I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrapped my arms around her, but fuck it felt good. It was how we're meant to be. I feel my phone vibrate, reaching into my pocket and after pulling it out, I glance at the caller ID. Johnny’s number.
“Si?”
“We found him.”
“Who?”
“Tommy, the guy that saw Joey last."
Shit, I must be completely out of it. There was only one reason Johnny would be calling me at this time.
“Bene, Take him to the docks."
Stuffing my phone back in my pocket, I crack my neck from side to side. It’s time to have some fun. Unwind. Ditch some stress.
“Tommy, you ready to talk yet?”
I’m standing in front of this piece of shit who is tied to a chair, in the dimly lit room at the warehouse near the docks. Watching as blood oozes from the busted lip I just gave him.
“Fuck you, I ain’t telling you shit!”
“Okay, have it your way then, cazzo.”
I chuckle low as I stride over to the wooden table with my tools laid out, I run my fingers over the various knives until I reach the pliers. Picking them up, I weigh them in my hand, they'll do the job. I turn and stalk back to the piece of shit Johnny has brought to me, he was found in Kings Cross selling drugs to kids. Drugs to kids – something I detest. So, it gives me a great deal of pleasure to deal with this waste of space.
Standing in front of him, I reach out and grab his hand which is tied to the arm of the chair by the wrist. I pry his fingers open so I can get a good grip. Clamping the pliers to the tip of his nail, I watch his eyes go wide when he realizes what I’m about to do. He struggles violently, attempting to break free. I ignore his pleas and with one hefty pull, I rip the nail clean off. When he finally stops screaming, I ask him the same question. He's a stubborn fuck. After getting no answers, I finish with one hand and let him know exactly how far I will take this until I get the answers I want.
“I can do this all night long and once I finish with your hands, I might just start on your toes. Or, I can take you over there and have a little fun." I point over my shoulder to a small shower cubicle. “I can put your useless ass in there, turn the water on and use a machine which sends volts of electricity through your body. You'll be in pain like you never imagined. You'll piss and shit yourself, your tongue will swell, your dick will pulse out of control and you'll be begging me for death. Your choice, what’s it going to be?"
“Fuck," he spits out, wheezing and gasping through the pain. “I'll tell you everything I know, please don’t kill me.”
“I can’t promise anything, Boss wants you gone. You should know better than to sell drugs to kids."