2 Months Earlier…
Katherine
Dear Diary,
Well, where do I start? I may as well get straight to the point, today was an exceptionally hard day. But, I did it; I had to. I pushed him away. It hurt like crazy; I struggled to breathe, so I built my wall back up and hid behind it, like I always do. It was hard as hell to walk away, but I can't allow him into my life. If I did, he would truly see how screwed up I am, and eventually leave me, just like my dad did. I doubt I could handle the devastation losing him would cause, and I may end up taking that blade and finally going through with it – ending my sad, sorry life.
You should've seen the hurt in his eyes when I turned my back on him at the cafe today. It about broke me, I almost changed my mind about my decision to push him away. I ran and hid in the Kitchen until I heard the doorbell and knew he had left.
I really wanted to tell Brooklyn how I felt, but then I would have to reveal my Secret. She's so happy, I don’t want to affect that. She's my best friend, and after everything she has been through, I couldn’t bring myself to dump my problems on her. Brooklyn knows something is wrong in my life and I know she is there for me, that she wants to help. But, I don’t think anyone can help me. How do I burden someone so close with my problems, when I can’t find the strength to help myself? I would never do it, especially to someone I love so dearly.
My mind plays on a damn loop all the time. Taunting me with how things could have been different, how I could have been different but, I am who I am. Nothing will change who I am. I have to accept, I'm just not good enough. It's why I built a wall around myself a long time ago. I needed to protect myself so people wouldn't know how deep their words hurt.
Antonio sees through me. He knows I'm not the person I show everyone else, that there is more to me than a sharp tongue. My scars are deep, carried inside and I’m afraid the wall I have carefully built around myself, will never be whole again. Whether I admit it or not, the fact is, he stole some of those bricks from me and I will never get them back. I did the right thing pushing him away before he gets too close and shatters the rest of my wall. I have to keep reminding myself, because if I think anything else, if I let him in, he could break me into a million pieces that I will never be able to put back together again.
I wake to the sun streaming through the French doors which lead onto a small balcony attached to my room. I groan when I realize; I had forgotten to pull the blinds closed again. It has been two days since I last spoke to Antonio. He sits in his car in front of my place or the cafe. He has tried to talk to me several times since I sent him away, but I don’t know what to say. So, I say nothing. I know I have hurt him, but it’s better to hurt him a little now, than a lot later.
Throwing the covers back, I climb to my feet and stretch before heading to the bathroom. Staring at the mirror, I'm not surprised to see my exhausted reflection peering back. Bags under my eyes, hair a mess. I know Brooklyn is worried sick about me because I haven't been myself lately. I vow to myself, today that will change. Stripping out of my pj's, I jump into the shower and allow the water to wash away the last couple of days. I need to be me again. I need to be strong. And, I need to convince Brooklyn; I don’t have a care in the world.
After drying off, I wrap a towel tight around me and head for the closet knowing exactly what I need. After finding what I want, I lay it on my bed. This will do nicely. I turn and grab a belt off the back off the door before pausing and looking toward my dressing table to read the many post-it notes I have stuck to the mirror. I allow the words to soak into my bones, giving me the extra confidence I need to pull myself together.
You got this!
No Matter how hard it seems, push through.
You ARE beautiful.
You are Strong.
My eyes land on the one Antonio added when he was here and I feel my eyes glaze over with tears, I will them not to fall. I have cried enough over the past couple of days to last me a lifetime.
You were made for me
Pushing the tears back, I grab my belt and get ready for my day.
God, I feel good when I'm ready and I stand in front of the mirror. My black high waisted skirt ends just above the knees is matched with a black belt and a tucked in, green off the shoulder shirt. My hair is up in a 50s style, small strands curl around my face. Makeup is done perfectly with a splash of red on my lips. I smile to myself, pleased that I’m trying to be more like me again.
I bounce down the stairs and head toward the kitchen where I flip the kettle on and press the remote for background noise from the television. I might drink coffee out the back today, it’s such a nice day and I feel great. Once the kettle boils, I make coffee and turn toward the back door. As I'm about to move, something catches my attention on the screen.
I gasp loudly. “Holy Shit!" I almost drop the cup of hot liquid to the floor. After setting the cup on the bench, I turn and head toward the stairs. I need to grab my bag from the bedroom. I grab my phone and replay what the news reporter had announced - Darren Jacobs found dead in a car fire. Fuck, that’s bloody awesome, I want to dance about. Grabbing my keys, I hurry to the front door. I need to see Brooklyn and find out if she has heard the news. Evie hugs may help lift me a little too.
Antonio
Resting back in my seat, I stare through the windshield of my car toward the French doors which lead into Kat’s room. It’s only been a couple of days since I held her, but fuck it feels like forever. I’m so fucking confused as to what actually happened to cause her to push me away like she did. But, whatever the issue, I will find out. I’m a man who doesn’t accept being told no very well, especially when it comes to something I want. And, I want Kat.
As a young boy, I spent far too many years being told what to do, the only one I take orders from now is my boss, and best friend, Dominic. I would give my life to protect him and his family and I know he would do the same for me. He has been there for me through some of my darkest moments and I will be forever in his debt. I focus back on the doors and notice a slight shadow pass by them. What I wouldn’t give to be up there with her.
I drag my fingers through my hair, slide the hand down the side of my face, feeling my two-day growth. I'm feeling frustrated that shit has to be this way, but know if I push her, she is more likely to withdraw even more than she already has. Fuck. What the fuck happened? Everything was fine one minute, the next I’m getting the cold shoulder as if what we shared meant nothing, I shared a part of myself with her, a part I have never shared with anybody else. Did I scare her off? Fuck, she should know I would never hurt her. I don't understand, she was fine after I told her what I did for a living and who Dominic was. Not knowing is driving me fucking crazy.
We were in her kitchen when I explained I was the Capo Bastone and I was pretty much the enforcer for the mob. She didn’t act differently toward me, but it’s not like we really had time to discuss it in detail. Dominic had rung and told me to get Kat and bring her over to Brooklyn’s, someone had thrown a brick through Evie’s window. That was the night she first let her guard down with me and finally gave into what was happening between us. I remember the way she tasted, the way her body moved against mine, begging for everything I had to give. I gave her every piece of me and saw in her eyes, she felt everything I did. It was the first time in my life, I had actually understood what making love was all about. Fuck. How can I let her go after that? I’m not. I fucking won't. I'll give her the space she needs, for now, but we are far from done.
“Holy Fucken shit," I whisper when I see Katherine step through her front door. I suck in a deep breath and grip the steering wheel tighter as I take her in from head to toe. My cock hardens instantly. She looks like something out of a wet dream. Her skirt is hugging her curves like a second skin, fuck. She looks like one of those women from the old retro drink signs. It is taking everything in me to stay put, to not rush over, push her back inside the house and claim what is mine.
Kat looks straight at me and I see the pain in her eyes before she turns away and heads to her car. Where the fuck is she going dressed like that? I have never questioned if she pushed me away for someone else, but right now the possibility of giving herself to some other fuck wit, has me on edge. I know I’m fucked up, and probably don’t deserve her, but nobody else will ever worship or love her as much as I will.
She is mine.