Katherine
Dear Diary,
She hides behind a smile that lights up a room, making sure no one would ever know she is in pain.
Every laugh is to hide the tears she wants to shed.
Her touch is soft, and her heart is strong. No-one would ever know every beat of her heart makes her feel lonelier by the second.
She goes to bed hoping to fall straight to sleep so she doesn’t fall apart.
Her tongue is sharp because she tries to protect herself from the hurt others have caused her.
Every day she struggles to breathe through the pain so she doesn’t let herself break.
When I look at her I see her pain, but I also see the love she has to offer. The day she breaks, I'll be there to pick up – Every. Single. Piece. I'll put her back together again, exactly the way she was. No, I won't fix her. The demons she has faced everyday have made her stronger because she woke up and pushed forward.
She is perfect, a fighter, a survivor and she is Mine!!!
I drop the diary letter onto the kitchen bench. I'm also certain who the author is but I have to double check. I run upstairs, grab the post-it note written by Antonio the last time he was here, and take it back to the kitchen. Placing the notes side by side, I trace the words with the tip of my finger. I knew in my heart they would match.
Fuck, I'd almost forgotten how sweet this man is and that is saying a lot considering what he does for a living. Reading his diary entry again, I absorb his words deep into my bones, into my very being. I need them more than air right now. I rub the back of my hand under my nose, sniffling as I read, tears threatening to fall. Fuck, what is this man doing to me? He affects me like no other. He is determined to bring me to my knees and crack me wide open. I feel a flutter of hope in my heart, a moment of hope. Maybe this could work. If I give him a chance, let him in, instead of breaking me, will he put me back together again?
The house phone rings tearing me from my thoughts. I step over, grab it from the cradle and bring it to my ear as I walk back to the bench and look at the notes again.
I sniff.
“What’s going on?" My sister’s gruff voice booms through the phone and tears my attention away from the spell of the words written on the paper in front of me.
“Nothing." I try hard to hide the fact I was crying.
“Why are you sniffling? Have you been having another broken moment?" Her tone is snarky, it's a voice I know well and it causes a chill to zip down my spine. Hairs stand on end, goosebumps appear. I rub my free hand up my arm in an attempt to quell the feeling of disappointment, inadequacy which always comes over me when I speak with Ashley. She keeps talking, she doesn't wait for a reply, she's not really interested. “There’s a solution for that you know.”
“Hmm, I know." I glance at the knife block sitting on the counter. It's full of razor sharp knives and taunts me.
“Well either do it and put us all out of misery, or shut up about it. Fuck, you're so pathetic I cannot believe we're related."
I will the tears not to fall at her words. If she suspects her words have caused me to cry, she will spill more hurtful words.
“You know you're broken, not to mention the other thing making you unworthy for anyone. Who would want you once they find out you can’t give them…”
I zone out, will myself not to listen. I need to be strong and not let her words hurt me but everything she is saying is true. The flutter of hope I had a few moments ago when I read Antonio's words is gone. I'm like a black hole, I feel worthless.
I need to disconnect the call. I have to be strong and ignore what she is saying. I want Brooklyn. Oh, God, I need to make the pain she causes, stop. My finger shakes as I click 'end call' and her voice fades away. I know I will pay for hanging up on her, but I can't deal with anymore of her today.
Sliding down the cupboards in my kitchen, I sit on the floor, bring my knees to my chest and try to breathe through the pain. I will the pain and darkness to leave me alone, I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
A sob breaks free and I bury my head into my knees as I cry hard. After a few moments, I reach blindly for the phone. I wipe my hand across my face until I can see the numbers clear enough to call Brooklyn's number. I try hard to contain the sobs that pour from me, I need to speak with Brooklyn, and I hope she can help me. I can't continue on this way, I have to do something.
When Brooklyn bursts through my door, I'm still sitting on the floor in my kitchen. I haven't had the energy to move and I don't give a shit either. My best friend has seen me at my worst when we were kids, she was there for me then, and I hope to God she is here for me now.
“Kat, where are you?”
“Down here."
Brooklyn hurries around the kitchen counter and finds me on the floor. She doesn't say a word, but sits next to me and pulls me into her side. Tears roll down my face.
“I’m ok," I murmur.
“Bullshit, I know you're not." Her voice is barely a whisper and when I glance at her, silent tears drip from her lashes. She doesn't say another word, but holds me while I fall apart in her arms.
Brooklyn never pushes me to open up even though I know it hurts her deeply to see me this way. Knowing she cares, hurts for me, helps me believe maybe I’m not as worthless as Ashley says. It helps me knowing, that despite everything, Brooklyn will always be there for me.
“Ashley called me," I squeeze my eyes shut as her words play on a loop in my head.
Brooklyn reaches over, gathers my hand and starts caressing the scars on my wrist. Her loving gesture causes more tears to fall from my eyes.
“Kat, I am here for you, I always will be. Nothing will ever change how I feel about you. I know who you are and what’s inside your heart. You love hard, babe, and protect those you love like a tiger protects its cubs. But, sometimes, maybe every so often, you need to let me help you. Let me in. Let me always be the person you run to when you need someone, because if I lose you it would break me. You are my sister, my best friend and my lifesaver, so please, I'm begging you, let me be yours." Her words break on a sob, and my heart aches with the emotion of her words.
I have to try harder to shake this feeling of loneliness, it's bullshit, I'm not alone. I have Brooklyn. Now is as good a time as any to start proving to my best friend, I will try. I reach into my pocket and pull out the razor I keep there. Grasping Brooklyn’s hand, I place it in her palm and close her fingers around it. It's my silent promise to try harder.
“I love you, Brooklyn."
“I love you, Katherine. Don't you dare leave me here alone."
We fall silent for a moment, oddly I feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted from me. Maybe carrying the blade around with me was weighing me down, giving me an out that I never really wanted. I suck in a deep breath.
Brooklyn speaks breaking into the sad quiet. “Can we please get off the floor now, my ass is killing me?"
We both erupt into laughter, the tension broken for now.
Antonio
Under the shade of a tree across the street from her home, I watch from a distance, hoping she doesn’t see me. I see when she picks up my letter from the door mat. Things have been tense with us since the beach incident nearly two weeks ago. When our paths cross, we barely mutter hello or goodbye. But, I had to try again. I can’t walk away. I need her like I've never needed anyone. She calms the storm inside me and makes my heart beat faster just thinking about her. I never knew I could feel this way after everything I have been through.
As I stood on the beach after she'd left and watched the waves coming in, I came up with a new plan. I know she writes in a diary, I have seen it on her nightstand beside her bed. I didn’t read what was in it, I would never take advantage of her trust in that way, but I had a feeling the demons she fights everyday are in there.
If this was the only way I could convince her we are meant to be together, then I will take it. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not, but I'm willing to try anything at this point. I thought if she saw the words, my feelings written down, then she would start to believe she doesn’t need to keep everything inside. I can be the person she needs, to release and unload to. I can help her win the battle within. Fuck, I can help her win the fucking war. If what I wrote brings a smile to her face for five minutes and causes her to think about things, I will take it.
I’m not sure how long I stand staring at her front door. I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for, but I can’t walk away. If this is as close as she'll allow me, then this is where I will stay. I hear the sound of a vehicle approaching and Dominic's black Lexus pull up in front of Kat’s place. Brooklyn leans over and kisses Dominic, he shakes his head before climbing out and rounding the car to open her door.
Evie is in the back seat. I see what he has and a pang of jealousy hits me in the chest. I’m fucken pleased he is finally happy, but I can’t help feeling pissed off that I can’t have it too. How would it feel to be able to come home to Kat every night?
I stride through the front door of Dom’s place later that afternoon and notice the changes Brooklyn has made including a large vase of flowers on the side table near the front door. The biggest change is Dominic himself. Yeah, he still believes his girls deserve better, but he will never let them go and he will do anything to make them happy.
When I enter the living room, I see Evie laying on the lounge, a movie with trolls plays on the television. Dom is sitting on the other lounge with papers scattered all over the coffee table in front of him.
Raising a finger to his lips, he stands. He indicates with his head to the glass doors leading to outside near the pool. I notice Evie is asleep, so I nod and follow him out.
“Antonio, thanks for coming over. I've been going over that scumbags file, the one you dealt with a couple of weeks ago, and I’m trying to figure out where the fuck Joey could be.”
“Johnny has had eyes on the place Tom gave us the info for, but there's been nothing as yet. Theo is keeping track of his bank accounts, and Nico is tracking down his drug dealer. We're onto it boss, we will find him. The fucker can’t hide from us forever."
He nods and looks out across the yard. “Good, I want this shit sorted. Until it’s done Brooklyn would feel much better if someone was looking out for Kat. Do you think you could organise someone?”
“I've got it under control." I attempt to hold back my anger when I speak, because no-one, and I mean no-one is going to be watching my girl, but me. Fuck, Dom could have my balls for speaking to him this way, I'm not thinking clearly.
“Very good." He smirks at me.
Fucker, he knows how I feel. He knew how I'd react and knows I would never allow anyone else near my girl.
“Take care of it, I have to go grab Brooklyn from Kats place. She called me not long ago, Kat's been drinking, so she can't drive my Angel home. I don’t know what I'll be walking in on, Kat can be rather feisty when she has a skin full." He chuckles before heading back inside.
I gaze out across the yard. I'm glad Brooklyn is there for Kat, but I'm also jealous. I should be the one with her.
Kitten will be Mine.