CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Riley hated herself for putting Sam through what appeared to be some kind of horrible and painful torture. His skin had gone an ashen gray shade and his blue eyes were almost black with emotion. Anger? Fear? Clearly whatever memories he was about to dredge up weren’t pleasant.
She, however, needed to understand why he was acting so strangely. The Sam Collins she’d met a few months ago would never have thought to retire and give up his career just because he was becoming a father. It was a major overreaction and there had to be a logical explanation for it. What if he went even more overboard and decided that the child shouldn’t attend school or play with other kids?
They settled on the couch, her on one end and Sam on the other. He’d sat there on purpose and she didn’t say a word. If he needed a little distance to be able to do this, it was the least she could do.
“I’m listening,” Riley said, folding her hands in her lap and waiting for Sam to gather his thoughts. “And I’ll try not to interrupt. I can see this isn’t easy.”
He didn’t answer, his gaze lost somewhere in the past, a place she couldn’t get to and was no part of. It was hard to simply wait and keep her mouth shut but eventually she was rewarded when he began to speak.
“Trish and I met when we were both struggling actors in Hollywood. We both had a small part in a movie and the first time I saw her we were in wardrobe. I remember thinking that she was beautiful and had great legs. She smiled at me and later I asked her for coffee. That was pretty much it and we were married about a year later. Just a small ceremony at the courthouse but we had a big party afterward for all of our friends. It was a double celebration because I’d just landed a decent role in a pilot for television.”
Pressing her lips together, Riley kept from voicing all the questions whipping around her brain. Sam had been in love with Trish. That alone made Riley curious as to what the woman was like.
“The pilot wasn’t picked up but I was getting pretty steady work. Just small roles but I was working. Trish, on the other hand, hit a dry spell and believe me when I tell you that there is nothing worse as an artist. She had a day job at the cosmetic counter of a department store and she was promoted to manager. That’s when she decided to take a break from acting for a little while. All the rejection was getting to her. Of course, that meant that when I had to travel, she couldn’t go with me anymore. She had to stay for her job.”
A picture of Sam’s marriage was beginning to emerge. An up and coming young actor, running all over the world and a young wife stuck at home in a job she probably hated. It was a recipe for disaster.
Leaning forward, Sam propped his elbows on his knees. “I was a lousy husband. I was hardly ever home and when I was all I concentrated on was the next role. I was trying to make connections in the business, and that meant going to parties and meeting as many people as possible. That town is all about who you know. I encouraged Trish to go back to acting and she did audition for a couple of roles, but when she didn’t get them she decided to quit show business altogether. It was pretty tense that year, although she tried to hide how unhappy she was.”
Riley couldn’t stop herself from commenting. “That wasn’t your fault. You were just chasing your dream.”
He gave her a lopsided smile. “I’m telling this story with the benefit of hindsight. Looking back, I doubt I was truly even aware that she resented it every time I was cast in another production. Or maybe I did realize it but didn’t want to admit it, because then I’d have to deal with it. I wouldn’t say either of us were all that good at communicating. I did know she wasn’t happy but frankly, I didn’t know how to help her, and if she’d asked me to give up acting I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have done that to make her happy, Riley. I was too selfish and self-absorbed.”
It would have been far too much to ask of him. Riley loved Sam and there was no way she’d ask him to give up his dreams because it was inconvenient for her. She’d always known that he wouldn’t be a nine-to-five kind of guy, kissing her goodbye in the morning and coming home to dinner in the evening.
“When we’re young and climbing the ladder, we often are,” Riley replied, reaching out and rubbing his hand. “And if she didn’t tell you how she felt…”
“That wasn’t Trish’s way. Mine either, to be honest. I think we both thought that if we just ignored it, it would go away.”
Sam went silent, once again far away and long ago with his thoughts, reliving some drama and misery if the expression on his face was anything to go by.
“I was in Toronto working on a new movie when she called me. She was pregnant, and for the first time in a long time she sounded really happy. She was giggling and laughing and I had my wife back. I could tell that she was thrilled that she was going to have a baby.”
A shock rocketed through Riley’s bones and her fingers curled onto the arm of the couch for support. Sam wasn’t a father to any children.
None that you know of.
This was his secret. He had a family somewhere. Had he been a terrible father and that’s what he didn’t want her to know?
“I was happy, too,” Sam went on, not seeming to notice her surprise. He was lost in the past, his lips a grim line as he told his story. “I truly was. We hadn’t really talked about kids in any concrete way. We were both young but we’d both said that we wanted them…you know…someday. Well, that day had come and it was all good. But I had to finish my commitment to the film in Toronto while she was still in Los Angeles.”
A lightbulb went off over Riley’s head. Sam had been away from Trish when she’d been pregnant. A heaviness settled into her chest and tears pricked the backs of her eyes.
There was a reason she didn’t know about any child. This…This was what drove Sam Collins.
Staring down at the hardwood floor, Sam finally raised his head and she could see unshed tears in his eyes as well. A lump grew in her throat and she had to swallow a few times to be able to breathe. Speaking was out of the question, but Riley ached to reach out and pull him into her arms. Comfort him and take away the pain that was etched in his face.
Oh Sam. I love you so much.
“I guess it was about three weeks later when Trish called me. She’d started bleeding and her friend had taken her to the hospital.”
She waited for the words she knew were coming. Sam wanted to protect Riley for a good reason. It all made sense now.
“She’d lost the baby.”
This time Riley did reach out but Sam shook away her touch and stood, walking over to the front windows to peer out, but she doubted he was really seeing anything. He was still back there with Trish. With a loss he’d clearly not dealt with.
“Then she just hung up. I tried to call her back but she didn’t answer. I called her best friend but she hung up on me, too. I managed to finish my part in the film and got home a few days later. Trish had moved out. This time I drove to her friend’s house and wouldn’t leave until Trish talked to me.”
Sam’s hands were clenched into fists, his entire body stiff and tense. He was alone, not letting her comfort him, but even from this distance she could see that this had been torturing him for years. Riley’s pregnancy had brought it all up again.
“She was crying and yelling at me that it was all my fault. That if I’d been home she would have got to the hospital in time. She said she’d never forgive me and she never wanted to lay eyes on me ever again after what I’d done, putting my career before our child. Then she said that I never wanted the baby, but that isn’t true, Riley. I did want the baby. I already loved it.”
His words came out choked and the tears he’d tried so hard to keep at bay were sliding down his cheeks. Riley’s body shook and she didn’t care if he pushed her away. She had to be close to him, holding him and protecting him from these memories. He’d carried this albatross around his neck far too long. Time to cut that cord. He hadn’t done anything wrong.
Wrapping her arms around his lean middle, she pressed her cheek into his back. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Trish was upset, understandably so, and she took it out on you. But I bet in a few days or a few weeks, she regretted saying them. I’m not a doctor but I doubt there was anything you could have done, and even if you hadn’t been in Toronto you might not have been home.”
“I could have taken her to the hospital. Made sure she got the best care.”
His tone was resolute and he wasn’t buying what she was selling. He was too invested in the narrative.
“You were a young man,” Riley reminded him. “Yes, you would have taken her to the hospital as quickly as possible but were you honestly going to march around the emergency room demanding the best specialists in the world?”
His body had stiffened and he was trying to extricate himself from her arms but she simply tightened her hold. He needed this whether he realized it or not.
“I wasn’t there when she needed me. She’d never needed me before and the one time she did, where was I?”
“Getting a paycheck that I suspect paid your rent,” Riley countered. He was determined to be the bad guy in this scenario. “Doing your job and following your dream. There is no way you could have foreseen what happened.”
“Exactly.” He sounded like she’d just confessed to a crime and he was the detective on the case. “We don’t know what’s going to happen with our baby. We can’t see the future. It’s better if I’m around as much as possible, and if I can’t be here then Callie or Mom can take care of you.”
She loosened her grip and allowed him to turn around. Cupping his jaw in her hands, she gazed into his stormy gray-blue eyes, still watery from his tears. “If I’m alone and I start bleeding or have contractions, I’ll call 911.”
His brows shot up as if she’d responded in a shocking way. “You’d call 911?”
“Of course. That’s what people do.”
As a teacher, Riley had been trained to handle emergency situations and part of that training was when to call 911.
“What if the ambulance got caught in traffic? What if it took too long to get to you?”
Riley nodded. “All good arguments. But if someone was trying to drive me to the hospital, they’d probably get stuck in that same traffic jam so I’m no better off. We all take chances every day, Sam, just walking across the street. There’s no such thing as a risk-free pregnancy. It doesn’t exist. You didn’t cause Trish to miscarry and it wasn’t your fault that she didn’t get to the hospital in time. For all you know, it was too late before she even picked up the phone to call her friend.”
“You can’t know that. There might have been time.”
He wasn’t going down without a fight.
“Why don’t you talk to Dr. Kate about this? She might have some insight into whether there was anything you could have done.” Riley sucked in a breath, knowing her next request wasn’t going to be popular. “I also think you should talk to Trish. I’m guessing she has a different outlook on this situation all these years later.”
Sam was looking at her as if she’d lost her mind. “Talk to Trish? She said she never wanted to see me again and I’ve made that happen. I haven’t seen her since that day.”
“How could that even happen? Didn’t she have to show up in court for the divorce?”
“We did everything through our lawyers. I made sure she was taken care of, though.”
What?
“You mean financially?”
Sam nodded. “We didn’t divorce right away. By the time we did split up officially, I was starting to make good money. I just wanted to be sure she didn’t have to worry about anything.”
That was sweet and wonderful and just like the man that Sam was.
“And you’ve never heard anything from her? Not a thank you or a fuck you? Nothing?”
His lips twisted and he shook his head. “She basically said fuck you that last time I saw her. She didn’t want anything to do with me and I get that. I ruined her life.”
Riley wasn’t going to give up on this. Her life with Sam was too important.
“Perhaps…and I’m just throwing this out there for consideration…perhaps Trish was upset and hurting and she needed someone to blame it on? Because there was no one to blame. These things sometimes happen. I’ve had friends that had miscarriages and then go on to have one or more successful pregnancies. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, but she wanted someone to be at fault. So she chose you since you were conveniently not there when she needed you to hold her hand. Yes, that is something that you needed to apologize for, but you did not ruin her entire life. I hate to break it to you, but you’re not that powerful, Sam.”
“You don’t understand–”
“I don’t?” Riley broke in. “Because I think I do. If you went off on location to shoot a movie and something bad happened, I would be upset. I might scream and cry. I might yell and curse. But it wouldn’t be your fault, Sam, and you wouldn’t have ruined my life. I bet Trish knows that now, too. She was sad and hurting and she lashed out at the person she loved. That’s normal. But you’ve been carrying this around with you for far too long and it has to stop. This isn’t healthy or productive. You can’t wrap me and the baby in cotton wool and protect us from the big, bad world. I won’t live that way. You need to talk to her about what happened and come to some peace about the past. Only then can you and I move forward.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw and his hair stood on end from scraping his fingers through it.
“Is that an ultimatum?”
Was it? She didn’t do them often, if at all, but she couldn’t see how they were going to be together for any length of time if he couldn’t deal with her living her life in a normal manner. She loved him – more than she’d ever thought possible – but he’d been punishing himself too long and she wasn’t about to join in and martyr herself as well.
“It’s simply the truth. I want us to have a happy life and family together. When our child wants to sleep over at a friend’s house, what are you going to do? Or when it’s his first day of school? What if we decide to have more children and I get pregnant again? Will you just follow me around twenty-four hours a day? What’s the plan?” She threw up her hands in frustration. He wasn’t hearing her. He was too caught up in the past. “Just call and talk to her. Don’t you think it’s time? Aren’t you even a little curious as to how her life turned out when you supposedly ruined it?”
For a brief moment it looked like he might say yes, but then he turned on his heel and marched out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Closing the door on the dream of them being together. It sounded so final.
She almost followed but then stopped when her hand touched the doorknob. He needed this time. She’d thrown so much at him and he was too hurt and confused to make logical decisions. Hopefully in a few hours he’d come back, ready to face the past so they could have a future.
Or he’d end things, once and for all.