CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
After a sleepless night in Nate’s guest room, Sam sat down in the chair on the opposite side of the desk from Dr. Kate. Since this wasn’t a medical visit, they were meeting in the physician’s office and not the exam room.
“Now tell me, Sam. What brings you here today?”
Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he cleared his throat before speaking. “First off, thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I appreciate it.”
Dr. Kate nodded but didn’t respond, clearly waiting for him to get to the damn point.
“I have a few questions,” he finally said, the words not coming easily. He was already conflicted about even being here, still not ready to admit that he had a problem. “I was hoping you could help me.”
Except that deep down he knew he had an issue with his past. Admitting that was simply hard to do. If he admitted it, then he had to deal with it.
That’s why I’m here.
“I’ll do what I can to answer your questions,” Dr. Kate assured him with a cool, professional smile. “What concerns do you have?”
“I’m not sure where to begin,” he admitted with a humorless laugh. He wasn’t in the best of moods and all he wanted to do was go home to Riley and the baby. “This isn’t really about Riley’s pregnancy.”
A brow arched in question and Sam realized he’d fucked up. He should have had that second cup of coffee before coming here. “It’s not what you’re thinking. This is not about another woman.”
Shit. “Well…it is about another woman but from a long time ago. I’m asking about something that happened over fifteen years ago.”
Dr. Kate sat back in her chair and folded her hands in front of her. “How about you start at the beginning of the story? I’ll just listen and answer your questions along the way. How does that sound?”
Painful. It sounded horribly painful.
He’d been avoiding this for years. Afraid to find out that Trish had spoken the truth. Now he’d know for sure.
* * *
Riley slammed down her empty teacup and wished it was filled with coffee. Beautiful, deep, dark, and rich caffeinated coffee. Nectar of the gods and the one thing guaranteed to make her feel slightly more human this morning after a sleepless night.
Sam had never come home.
He was a grown man and he could take care of himself, so she wasn’t worried that he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Especially as New York City didn’t seem to have a plethora of ditches and Sam had a black Amex card so he could check into any five-star hotel in the tri-state area. She doubted he’d bunked down on a park bench last night, although she hoped whatever mattress he’d slept on last night had been lumpy. She’d spent most of the night hours pacing the floor worried about what he was thinking and what stupid thing he might do.
Paula reached for the offending cup and placed it in the sink. “Did you get any sleep last night?”
Tapping the dark patch under one eye, Riley asked, “Does it look like it?”
“Sadly…no. But I have just the solution for our rainy day blues.”
To make matters worse, the heavens had opened up about five in the morning and it was now raining cats and dogs, the sky as gray and stormy as Riley’s mood. At least she wasn’t wasting a sunny day feeling like crap.
“Did you hear from your son?”
Paula’s smile fell and she shook her head. “I’m very angry with him. I had to send him a text early this morning to tell him that he’s worrying us unnecessarily. It’s one thing to decide not to come home last night, but he should have at least sent a message to you or to me. It was very thoughtless. He did send a text back a few minutes ago that he’s fine. He stayed at Nate and Paige’s last night.”
No park bench. No ditch. Or morgue. Or emergency room.
“Did he say anything else?”
“No, but then I didn’t expect him to. He’s still in his stubborn mode and it may take a while.” Paula gestured toward the large windows, the rain dripping down the glass. “I’m not going to let you sit around here all day and brood about what my idiot son is doing. We’re going to have a spa day. You and me. I’ve made all the arrangements so don’t even think about saying no. We’re going to have a wonderful time. And Sam is going to pay for it.”
Standing, Riley set her plate in the sink. “I did a lot of thinking last night. I think that Sam is going to end things and send me back to Florida.”
Wrapping her hands around her coffee mug, Paula nodded. “You think he doesn’t have the strength to face the past? I think he does.”
“That isn’t it at all.” Riley thought the world of Sam. Possibly more than he thought of himself. “I think he has the strength but doesn’t have the will or desire. His world is comfortable and easy. Facing this, dealing with it, well…that’s hard. He never has to if he doesn’t want to. He can slide on by for the next fifty years.”
“He’s never been the one to take the easy road. He’s always been willing to do whatever is necessary. However, you have a point that so far he hasn’t had to deal with this, but that’s changed now. He can’t go on pretending he can control the fate of the world.” Paula suddenly grinned and laughed. “Especially if you two have a girl. Can you imagine those teen years? He’ll give himself a coronary trying to micromanage his daughter. I think he’s finally come up against a wall and he’s going to have to face the past. Once and for all. He’s just going to do anything and everything he can to avoid it until he can’t anymore.”
That sounded good but Riley wasn’t convinced.
“You say that he’s stubborn and I believe it. Just how long can he avoid this?”
“I don’t know,” Paula admitted with a soft sigh. “But I do know that he loves you very much. He won’t be able to stay away too long.”
Riley could only hope Paula was right. Despite being angry with Sam, she missed him.
“I just wish I could do something to help him. I feel so useless.”
“He has to do this himself. I don’t think this is something that either one of us can help him with. But I’m sure he knows that we love him and that we’re here if he needs us.”
Waiting. It wasn’t a particular skill that Riley excelled at but she needed to settle in for the long haul. Sam needed to take that all important first step. The rest she was sure they could do together.
* * *
Sam’s twenty minutes with Dr. Kate had been educational, but she hadn’t answered the one most important question.
“You know I can’t answer that,” she said gently, her voice low. “I don’t know enough about the circumstances and I never examined your ex-wife. It would be pure conjecture on my part, Sam.”
He swallowed hard, dislodging the lump that made it difficult to speak. All these years later he wasn’t immune when telling this story. He still felt the loss even though he’d never held the baby or heard the heartbeat.
“I only want to know if I could have saved our child.”
Such a simple, straightforward query that seemed to have no answer.
“It doesn’t work like that.” Turning in her chair, Dr. Kate motioned toward the row of file cabinets against the wall. “Those are filled with the files of my patients. I’ve delivered thousands of babies in my career. Every pregnancy is a little different, just as every woman isn’t like any other. I do understand where you’re trying to go with this, and I cannot make a definitive medical conclusion here. But I will say, Sam, that if a doctor couldn’t save the pregnancy then you probably couldn’t have, either. Getting your ex-wife to the hospital may not have made any difference at all. She could have been there for a doctor’s appointment and started to miscarry and there might not have been anything anyone could do. If the pregnancy wasn’t viable… That’s out of medical science’s hands. And out of yours.”
Disappointed, he stood, wanting to bring the conversation to a close. He was grateful that Dr. Kate had taken the time to speak to him but he wasn’t going to get the answers he sought today. She didn’t have them.
“Thank you, Doctor, for seeing me. I appreciate your time and your detailed explanations.”
Dr. Kate stood as well. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be more specific.”
What she was really saying was she was sorry she couldn’t take away his guilt. He could see it in her eyes, that sadness and pity.
“You helped. Thank you.”
She didn’t believe him but then, he wasn’t sure he believed himself. She did help in a small way, slowly but surely pushing him toward seeing his ex-wife.
Talk to Trish. Only she had the answers. A woman he hadn’t seen in over fifteen years. He didn’t even know where she lived or what she was doing.
If she still hated him.
The two choices in front of him were clear. He could go back to the condo and tell Riley he wasn’t going to do it. Let her return to Florida or whatever she decided to do. But he’d have stood his ground and not given in. That would surely be cold comfort when he was alone.
What was the saying? Pride goeth before a fall.
Sam had his share of pig-headed pride. He didn’t want that to be the reason that Riley left him.
His second option was to go talk to Trish. Not because Riley had urged him to do so but because it was something he should have done years ago. Put this all behind him. The worst thing he could find out was that he truly was responsible for Trish losing the baby and since he kind of already thought that – and had been living his life as if it were true – it couldn’t be the terrible thing he’d made it out to be. It would confirm what he’d always thought to be the case, but the sliver of doubt had been something he could hold onto. That sliver had kept him sane right after it happened.
He could lose that scrap of hope, and that was why he was so chicken shit to go see her. To ask her the questions that he needed answered. Because deep down he didn’t want to be responsible.
Jesus, he was fucked up. Pushing people away because he thought one thing but a part of him didn’t want to believe. Consequently, he’d stayed frozen in time, not moving forward or looking back. Just standing there like a statue.
And everyone knew what happened to statues. They got shit on.
He needed to speak to Trish, not because Riley or his mom wanted him to. Not because he was going to become a father. He had to do this long overdue deed for himself. So he could take a step forward and leave all of that baggage behind. It wasn’t fair to Riley to ask her to take him on for life when he was carrying a large set of luggage full of his crap past.
There was only one thing to do. See Trish. But first, he had some apologizing to do to Riley for walking out.