CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Sam should have felt a huge weight fall from his shoulders. His own ex-wife had said it wasn’t his fault. This was what he’d hoped for deep down inside, but the reality was he was pretty sure she was blaming herself instead. That didn’t seem all that healthy either.
“Sometimes these things just happen,” he said softly, remembering what Dr. Kate had told him. “They aren’t anyone’s fault.”
Sniffling, Trish nodded. “That’s what the doctor said. He said it wasn’t anyone’s fault and it was just nature’s way of handling things. But I felt so guilty. That’s why I lashed out at you when you showed up. I blamed you because I couldn’t handle that it might have been something I did. I shouldn’t have done it and I’ve felt so horrible about it all these years. When I said that I didn’t want to see you again I didn’t really mean it.”
“I thought you meant it.”
“I know.” Abruptly, Trish stood and walked over the roll of paper towels on the counter, yanking one off and blowing her nose. “And I understood why you wouldn’t want to see me again. I was so awful that night. So cruel and mean. I was just so scared.”
“About what?”
She dabbed at her red, swollen eyes and then wadded up the towel in her tightly curled fist.
“When you were gone, I didn’t stay home. I went out and partied with my friends on the weekends.”
That…was something Sam hadn’t known. But he wasn’t mad about it. They’d been so young so of course she’d wanted to go out with her friends.
“That’s okay. You deserved to have fun, too.”
“I went dancing that night and was out until about two in the morning. I didn’t drink or anything, but I wanted to. I really wanted to, Sam.” The tears slipped down her cheeks again. “I was so conflicted about becoming a mother. I wasn’t sure I was ready. I still wanted to go out and have a good time, dance, drink, and watch the sun come up. What kind of mother would I even be? I’d already failed at the one thing I wanted more than anything and that was to be an actress. Maybe I’d be a terrible mom, too.”
“You would have been a great mom,” Sam protested. “You were good with kids.”
She wiped at her cheeks with the now sodden towel. “I wasn’t ready, and then I had a miscarriage. I thought…I thought that maybe I’d made it happen. That my brain had somehow made my body reject the baby and I felt so guilty. So when you arrived the next day…I blamed you.”
“You blamed me.”
Three words that had set him on this course for many years.
“It even worked for a little while.” Trish came back to the table and slid into the chair. “I was able to keep my own crushing guilt at bay by convincing myself that you were the bad guy. It was all your fault. I already knew the truth. The doctor had told me that it was no one’s fault but I stubbornly hung in there, wanting to paint you as the villain. You can take the girl out of drama class but you can’t take the drama out of the girl. It was quite awhile later that I had to admit that I’d treated you terribly and owed you a huge apology. But of course, by then it was too late. You were a big star and I was sure you didn’t want to hear from me. I’m so sorry, Sam. You cannot imagine how much. I’ve thought about this day for years. Wondering what I would say if I ever ran into you. I thought about calling your agent or publicist a few times and making an appointment to talk to you, but then I’d see an interview on television and you seemed so happy. You’d moved on and I would just pull you back. I couldn’t do that to you.”
He was a better actor than he’d given himself credit for if Trish had thought he had moved forward.
“Can you forgive me, Sam? Can you find it in your heart to do that? I know that it’s a lot to ask and I wouldn’t blame you if you said no.”
There was no hesitation. He’d lived in a world of guilt all these years, trapped in a cage of his own making but Trish hadn’t escaped unscathed. She’d lived with this as well, her own prison just as confining. It was time to set them both free, once and for all.
“Of course I forgive you. We both did and said things we wished we hadn’t. Neither of us were the best husband or wife. Maybe we married too young.”
That gained him a watery smile from his ex-wife. “We didn’t know shit about being married. Or compromising. Or how to be together forever. We just didn’t know.”
They hadn’t, but he hoped he had more of a clue now.
“Are you happy, Trish? I mean, really happy? That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
“I am.” She nodded and her expression lightened. “I’ll admit that every now and then when I watch the Oscars I think about what my acceptance speech would say, but then I see Dan and the kids and I wouldn’t trade this for anything. Are you happy, Sam? Because I kind of get the feeling that maybe you weren’t since you came here today and that hurts my heart.”
He wasn’t about to tell her how he’d taken her words that night and tucked them away so they could torture him off and on for fifteen years. She’d feel guilty and he wasn’t enough of a sadist to do that to her all over again. He wasn’t angry, although he knew some might argue that he should be. That he should hold a grudge. But he knew two women – Paula and Riley – who would tell him it was better to move on and forgive. They would never hold onto something like that, letting it fester for years. Hadn’t Riley already proved that with her ex?
“I am happy.” He wasn’t sure what he should tell Trish, but he couldn’t stop the pride in his tone. “I’m going to be a father, actually. In about seven months or a little less.”
Her eyes widened and she clapped her hands over her mouth. “Oh my gosh, that’s wonderful. Just wonderful. Who is the lucky girl? Is it someone I might have seen in a movie?”
“Thank you, but Riley isn’t an actress. She teaches kindergarten.” He felt his face get warm. “I met her because Mom volunteers in her class helping children learn to read.”
“So she has Paula’s seal of approval,” Trish laughed. “Even better. Is she nice? Is she…the one?”
Sam couldn’t begin to explain how perfect and wonderful Riley was but just the thought of her had his heart pounding against his ribs. He missed her, and they’d barely been apart for an hour.
“She is. She came with me today and is waiting for me down the street at a coffee shop. She wanted to give us a chance to talk privately.”
“She sounds like an understanding woman. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about the baby. It’s not public yet, is it? If it was, it would be on the cover of People magazine.”
“We haven’t decided when or how to make the announcement, but it won’t be in People,” Sam said firmly. “I’m thinking we’ll just let the paps catch us in a baby store.”
“No comment,” Trish said, nodding in agreement. “Wise. Play it classy and quiet.”
“I’m trying to keep a lower profile,” he admitted with a grin. “I doubt you’ll be seeing my photo in the tabloids anytime soon.”
“A family man. I guess it had to happen at some point. This Riley is a lucky woman.”
“I’m the lucky one,” Sam replied immediately. “She’s changed everything for me.”
“Then I just have one more question.” Trish took a sip of her coffee and wrinkled her nose. “Damn, cold. What are you still doing here? You probably shouldn’t keep her waiting any longer.”
Trish had always been the smarter of the two of them. Sam stood and she did too. Before he could say thank you she had launched herself at him, her arms going around his waist and holding tight. His own arms closed around her reflexively, returning the hug. There wasn’t anything romantic about it. It was completely platonic and then it was over. She’d stepped back and dabbed at her eyes with the ball of paper towel.
“It was good to see you, Sam. You haven’t changed a bit.”
He knew what she meant. She was talking about his looks, but he didn’t care about that. It was all just window dressing.
He’d changed. A whole hell of a lot. He was going to be a father. The best one he could possibly be. He was also going to be a husband. He just had to convince Riley to say yes, and he wouldn’t give up until she did. Not even if it took a lifetime.