CHAPTER FORTY
“You’re the biggest fucking idiot I may have ever known in my entire life.”
Nate’s rather crude declaration didn’t help Sam’s already nasty mood. He’d just poured out his story and his friend had basically shit on it.
“And you’re a big British asshole. Fuck you.”
Nate didn’t take offense, simply throwing his head back and laughing. “Paige probably wouldn’t argue with you, although not all the time, I hope. But I stand by my statement. You’re stupid and delusional. You’re not thinking about this right, mate. There’s no way you can keep Riley and the baby safe all the time. It’s not even practical to try and be with her every minute, nor do you want to do it. Marriage thrives on a little mystery. Sometimes you need to go do your own thing and then come back together. If Paige and I were together all the time we’d be at each other’s throats constantly.”
Sam was only beginning to admit that his plans might be flawed. He wasn’t ready to admit it out loud yet, though.
“How do you do it every day?” Sam marveled at his friend’s relaxed posture. He appeared like he didn’t have a care in the world. “I’m fucking terrified all the time and you look like you could fall asleep in your chair. You have a family. Two kids and a wife. How are you not worried all the damn time?”
Nate placed his beer bottle on to the coffee table and looked Sam straight in the eye. “Listen close because I’m about to lay some deep wisdom on your ass. Are you listening?”
“Jesus, yes. You don’t have to be so dramatic.”
Except that they were all actors and Nate loved nothing more than an audience.
“To be in love is to be vulnerable. To be a father is to be completely and totally vulnerable. Before it was just me, but now anyone can hurt me by hurting someone I love more than my own life.”
That sounded utterly horrifying. Yet, Sam was right there with Nate and there was no way out.
“How do you deal with it? Doesn’t it make you crazy? I don’t want to be scared all of the time that something is going to happen to my family.”
“I just don’t think about it.”
Sam sucked in a breath at the seemingly bald statement. One sentence that sounded so simple and fucked up at the same time.
“You don’t think about it,” Sam echoed in disbelief. This night was actually getting worse. “This is your plan? That’s not a plan, that’s denial. Christ, I came to you for advice and this is it? Just don’t think about it? Fuck. I’d have got better advice from a random stranger.”
Nate, however, seemed to find the situation hilarious. “I think it’s great advice. Some of the best I’ve ever given, in fact. Let me ask you a question. How did you get here to the city from Florida?”
This was stupid.
“I flew.”
“And when you arrived at the airport, how did you get to your house?”
And becoming even more stupid by the minute.
“A car service.”
“And you didn’t worry about the danger of flying? You didn’t ponder the intelligence of getting in a vehicle driven by a complete stranger? You didn’t worry and fret about the dangers on the highways? Come on, the world isn’t an oasis of personal safety. There’s always going to be an element of danger in whatever you do and wherever you go. We take chances every day just living our lives. Do you spend your time worrying about that?” Nate didn’t give Sam a chance to answer. “No, you don’t. You live your life and savor the happy times and do your best to get through the crappy ones. That’s the plan. Live and enjoy your life because you don’t want to get to the end of it and find that you were so busy being an asshole that you didn’t appreciate the gift of your family.”
Sam hopped up from the couch and began to pace in front of the fireplace. “It’s not the same. Crossing the street isn’t the same as keeping Riley safe during her pregnancy. They’re not equivalent.”
Shrugging, Nate grinned. “Okay, let’s say they’re not. But let me ask you another question, although you’ll ignore this one the same as you did the others. Do you honestly believe that you can protect Riley and the baby by being there all the time? By quitting a job that you love? You’re not some all-powerful being. You’re not a doctor. We play badass heroes on the movie screen but we’re just normal guys in real life. You’re only human and you can’t fix everything. Something bad could happen to Riley in your own home. Hell, she could slip in the shower or cut herself with a knife cooking dinner. You can’t stop life from happening. No matter how much you want to.”
Sam threw up his hands in frustration. “So you just give up? You don’t even try?”
Nate stood and walked up to Sam, poking a finger in his chest. “Riley is absolutely right. You’re not being rational about any of this. Are you listening to yourself? You’re talking about trying to control life, which we both know is stupid. You need to talk to someone about this and right away. You’re not thinking straight. Then call your ex-wife and tell her you’re not going to carry the blame for this anymore. She should never have put this on you.”
Sam wanted to argue with Nate. Debate the question back and forth but clearly his friend had sided with Riley.
It was becoming a pattern. First his mother, now Nate. What did that say about Sam’s case? Nothing good.
“You’ve been no fucking help at all,” Sam growled before stomping toward the front door. “I’m sorry I came here.”
“So you’re going home?” Nate asked, still smiling as if nothing was wrong in the world. “Or heading to a bar?”
Alcohol would be nice but wouldn’t solve his problem. Going home wasn’t an option, either.
“I don’t know,” Sam admitted. He felt lost and out of control. He couldn’t make people understand and he was beginning to wonder if it was because he wasn’t making any sense. “I can’t go home. Not yet.”
Maybe not ever.
“You’re welcome to stay in the guest room. But be warned that Paige probably won’t have an opinion much different than mine.”
“I’ll take my chances. She’s smarter than you.”
“And if she agrees with me?”
Paige was a wise woman. A widow and a single mother before meeting Nate, she’d been through the wringer and come out the other side, happy and healthy.
“Then I’ll think about following your advice.”
“You are such a bloody idiot.”
Sam had no evidence to dispute Nate’s claim. He’d never felt more stupid in his life than he did now. He was dug in and didn’t want to change his mind but that was the least of his worries. The one big one wouldn’t leave him alone.
What was Riley doing right now? Had she washed her hands of him? Was she making plans to go back to Florida? There was only one way forward if he wanted to be with her and have the family of his dreams. He simply wasn’t sure he was capable of it.