Piper

When I get home, Cannon’s car is in the garage. My palms start to sweat because I have no idea how I’ll feel when I walk into the house and see his face. Will I see a liar, a man who’s hiding secrets from me, or will I see my husband, the man who’s slowly drifting from me, yet has always been loyal? Maybe that’s all this is—him trying to protect me, trying to keep my heart in one piece, while he does what I asked of him.

He can’t help if his feelings have changed. And I’d never expect him to be so close to Tilly physically and feel nothing emotionally. I’m not sure it’s humanly possible to fuck another person and not feel something. Whatever that something is, it makes him want more of Tilly, just like I crave more of West.

Tonight, when I see Cannon and Tilly together, I’ll look at them in a new light. Maybe Cannon does the same when he sees me with West. I’m sure we’re not great at hiding our true feelings. I can’t help the smile that stretches across my face when I look at West. And the longer this arrangement goes on, the less I want to hide it. We feel too good together.

When I get to the top of the stairs, I brace myself for what kind of mood I might find Cannon in. But he’s sitting peacefully on the couch with a beer in his hand, sipping it, as he watches a movie.

“Hey, Pipes,” he says.

“Hey,” I say, suddenly unsure of how to act in front of him.

I want to scream about the torn condom wrapper I found in his pocket and get answers to all my questions, like where he was all afternoon. But I can’t. I’m no better than he is when it comes to cheating. As much as it kills me, I hold on to his secrets and lock them up in a little box next to my own.

He gives me one of his lopsided grins and pats the cushion next to him—a sign he wants me to join him and that he doesn’t want to be alone. “I wasn’t sure when you’d be back, or I would have made something to eat.”

“That’s okay. I was just shopping,” I lie. Guilt wraps its ugly fingers around my throat, and I almost choke on it. This isn’t me. I’m not a liar. Only that’s exactly what I’ve turned into. “I got an email while I was out.”

Before I can elaborate, he nods and automatically assumes. “Tilly?”

“Well, she emailed, too. This email was from the school. I have no idea what changed, but I can have my job back.”

Cannon sets his beer on the coffee table and grabs me, peppering kisses from my cheek down to my collarbone. “Damn straight they want you back. You’re amazing at your job.”

I adjust my body, so I’m leaning against his side. He reaches his hand over and rubs circles with his thumbs on my bare thigh. I get goose bumps for the wrong reasons. Reasons that have everything to do with the last time West touched me and nothing to do with Cannon.

“I’m proud of you, Piper. I know how lost you’ve been, worrying about where you’ll teach in the fall.”

Proud. If he only knew. Nothing about what I’ve been doing with West behind his back would make Cannon proud. Ashamed, yes. Proud, no.

“Thanks. I’m relieved mostly. My kids mean a lot to me.”

“I know they do,” he says. “You’re great with them.”

It’s nice, talking to Cannon. I feel like we haven’t done much of it since we got home from Belize. Still, I can’t help comparing this conversation to the one I just had with West at the park. It’s a lot of the same, yet my heart isn’t racing the way it was when West congratulated me.

The excitement just isn’t there.

Cannon and I are an uncomfortable routine.

No edge.

Zero mystery.

I crave the fire West carries around with him. How he makes every moment together better than the last. That’s what I want, what I need. To be consumed by every touch, kiss, and breath.

“Do you want to see Tilly tonight?” I ask, leaving the choice to him.

If he says yes, we’ll go. And, if he wants to stay in tonight, just the two of us, I’ll accept that even though I want to see West more than anything.

“I’m up for it if you are.”

Of course he is. Who wouldn’t want to fuck Tilly more than once a day?

“Okay. I need to shower.”

I start to climb off his lap, but he grabs my hips and stops me.

“I’m sorry I ran out of here so fast this morning. I didn’t even kiss you good-bye.”

“You had to go to work,” I tell him. “It’s okay.”

Here’s his chance to tell me the truth—that he was messing around with Tilly.

I wait, each passing second a little bit closer to our new reality—broken trust and unspoken truths.

“I’ll make it up to you,” he says.

“You don’t have to do anything, Cannon. It’s over and done with.”

My heart shatters the second his lips brush against mine.

Are we over and done with?

The only way he’ll make it up to me is if he stops sneaking around and lying. And, since he has no idea I’m on to him, that’s never going to happen. We’ll just keep secretly disappointing each other, ruining the little bit of goodness we have left in our marriage. Once that’s gone, the glue holding our foundation together will be completely destroyed.

My relationship might be a total mess, but my time with West evens it out. He’s what keeps me looking forward to tomorrow. And that’s why I’ll respond to every email from Tilly and every text from West while I try my hardest to pretend nothing has changed. Even though everything is different.

I’m too far gone to stop.

Too far gone to let go.

West’s become my sanity. My safe haven. The comfort I need.

Legally, he belongs to Tilly. In every other sense, he’s mine.

All mine.

And I can’t wait to see him tonight.