Piper

Cannon comes inside after his call and sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. I wait for him to say something, anything, but he just sits there.

He looks at me.

I stare back.

But nobody says another word about the phone calls or my outburst. I’m still afraid of his answers, and he looks too scared to tell me the truth, so I let it go. Again.

I mess around on my laptop, and he’s engrossed in something on TV, sending text messages every so often. Eventually, he dozes off, and I give all my attention to the screen in front of me.

I’ve spent my fair share of late nights reading articles and digging for information that might help us reconnect. This trip was step one, but since that hasn’t been going as planned or worked as I’ve hoped, I have no choice but to try something else. Something that might get us communicating instead of tiptoeing around the divide between us.

A couple of weeks ago, one click led to another, and before I knew what was happening, I’d joined a forum online. It’s moderated by a marriage expert who answers any and every question, no matter how off the wall or mundane it is.

I would take my time browsing through each of the responses, hoping that one of them would relate to my own marriage, leading me toward some much-needed answers. Some of the posts I came across were helpful; others were completely ridiculous. But, when one particular response hit a little too close to home, I realized there were other couples in the same boat as we were and that this forum was right where I belonged.

That one helpful response had me so hopeful that I was devouring every stitch of information I could get my hands on. I was even curious enough to explore the questions that didn’t have anything to do with my situation. The advice was fascinating, and some of the methods were so completely unconventional that I had to dig deeper.

Swinging for instance.

How sleeping with other people fixed couples, I had no idea. This one story held me captive though, but I wasn’t convinced it was the right move for our marriage. How would sleeping with another person strengthen your bond with your husband? It seemed like it would create new problems. But that didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop reading. I even ended up on the website this couple had used to connect with other swingers. Praying it was legit and that my computer wouldn’t be infected with a nasty virus, I clicked from link to link until I was creating a profile just so I could browse more of the other profiles and follow people from the forum.

At times, it felt wrong to be there, like I was an outsider gawking at strangers who were trying to keep their heads above water during tough times. Still, I had to keep looking.

Just like all those other nights, that’s where I’ve ended up again. When I’m all alone and desperate for help, the swinger website is my source of comfort.

I check on a few couples I’ve been following, the ones who’ve been deemed success stories by the moderator of the forum. And I realize how badly I want that kind of validation. To know that I’m not a failure, that I’m capable of making my marriage work. That I’m capable of giving my husband what he needs even though I’m not sure I know what that is anymore.

All I know is that these people have triumphed. They all look so happy in their pictures and updates.

Hours go by, and when my temples start to throb from reading in the dark, I close the laptop and climb into bed next to Cannon, careful not to wake him. For a few seconds, I don’t move. I just close my eyes and listen to the sound of him breathing, wishing he would wake up and tell me we were okay.

The next time I open my eyes, it’s morning, and the air is still crackling with tension from the night before. Cannon’s not in bed with me. He’s not even in the room.

When I climb out, I catch his profile on the balcony and see my laptop open on the kitchen table. His must have needed charging, but I figure there have been more calls to go along with the work and that nothing has changed.

Standing in the doorway, I’m torn. Do I go to him, hoping to finally talk? Or do I stay inside, waiting for him to come to me when he’s ready?

He answers the question for me, and steps inside. “Hey,” he says.

No, Good morning. No, How did you sleep?

He already knows I was awake half the night, and judging from his tired eyes, he didn’t do much better.

I want to give him a hug or ask him to get back in bed and cuddle, but I can’t even open my mouth. All I do is stand there, needing to pee, wanting to brush my teeth, and hoping for our problems to be magically solved.

When my brain connects with my lips, I manage to part them. “Are you working?”

He shakes his head. “I found something a little more interesting. When were you going to tell me about it?”

I have no idea what he’s talking about. I’m not the one hiding anything. “What do you mean?” I question as I move closer to the open laptop and glance at the screen. “How did you find this, Cannon?” But I know how.

Last night, when I went to bed, I didn’t close out of the website or the forum. All I did was shut the laptop. Everything I did in those late hours has been exposed, and he’s seen it all.

“Is there something you want to tell me, Piper?”

I laugh. A crazy, manic kind of response that is so full of irony that I can’t hide it. “Something that I want to tell you? You’re kidding, right? I’m the one who’s been begging for answers, Cannon. Don’t twist this around on me.”

“I’m not twisting anything,” he says. “I just find it really strange—opening my wife’s laptop and finding her on a swinger website, looking at couples to have sex with.”

“That’s not what I was doing,” I say. “That forum has kept me sane for the past couple of weeks while I was trying to figure us out. I don’t try to hook up with other people.”

“You’ve viewed this one couple a ton of times, Piper. The screen name for that profile matches the only message in your inbox. So, maybe you haven’t made plans to hook up, but you’ve reached out.”

He’s right. I don’t know what it is about them, but I haven’t been able to take my eyes off the pictures the wife sent me of her husband—his scruffy beard, dark eyes, and full lips. Where Cannon is tan, smooth, and perfectly styled, this guy is the complete opposite—rough around the edges. The kind of rough I’d feel when he ran the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip.

Every time I glance at their pictures, I imagine what he’d do to me. Would he be as gentle as Cannon, taking it slow? Or would he throw me on the bed like I think he would, offering no apologies as we tasted each other for the first time?

My gut tells me he likes it dirty and delicious.

And, the woman, she’s someone who posts a lot in the forum, and though she has never been listed as one, there’s a good chance she is a success story. Or at least a success in the making. She must have noticed me in the forum, too, because she reached out to me and introduced herself. We haven’t sent many messages back and forth, but she did ask to see a photo of us. And I sent one back.

All of that is beside the point. Maybe I should have told Cannon what I was doing, but I wouldn’t have been on this website if Cannon hadn’t changed. I wouldn’t be driving myself crazy, looking at every possibility to explain what had been going on and how to fix it, if things were different, if they were how they used to be.

But the truth of the matter is, I’ve snooped on his phone and laptop, making me just as guilty as he is for being on mine. He hasn’t done anything I haven’t. At least I don’t think he has until I sit down in front of the laptop and notice a typed message that is waiting to be sent.

“What are you doing?” I yell. “God, Cannon. What were you thinking, trying to message them? You weren’t even going to pretend to me be.”

“I read some of the other messages, Piper. Isn’t this what you want? To set something up?”

“No,” I tell him as I erase the text from the message and then close out of the program. “We’re not swingers. What I’ve been doing…it isn’t what you’re thinking—at all.”

“Then, what is it? Because it looks like you’re trying to set us up with another couple.” Cannon pulls out the chair opposite mine and sits down, crossing his arms over his chest.

It’s the first time we’ve sat at the same table to have a conversation in forever. Usually, all we have is a strained meal, and then we get up and go to different rooms.

My voice cracks when I say, “I was just trying to help us out.”

He laughs and stares at the table. “And by help us out, you mean, find someone new?”

Instead of dignifying his question with a response, I ignore him. I pull up a message I was planning on sending to this couple but never had the courage. It’s basically asking them how things have changed and if they think something like swinging would help me and Cannon get back on track. Against my better judgment, I flip the screen around and show it to my husband.

He pulls the laptop closer, so he can read the message. His eyes roam over every syllable, and by the time he’s finished, they’re so wide that I beg him to blink. But every word on that screen came from a place of love—for him. For what we had.

I expect an earful, but all he does is shut down the laptop and pushes it back to me. And then he says, “We need to shower and pack. Our flight leaves in a couple of hours.”

Every bone in my body wants to get up and run after him before he locks himself in the bathroom and shuts me out again. Instead, I stay in the chair at the table, realizing that, in my efforts to fix our broken pieces, I managed to create more.

More tension.

More questions.

More pain.

But what hurts the most is that my husband said nothing and that he might not want to repair our relationship.

I’d never purposely hurt him. I’d never go behind his back and make arrangements to have sex. That’s not who I am.

What scares me is that I can’t say the same for him. There was a time I believed he’d never cheat on me, but now, I’m not so sure. For all I know, he’s already been sleeping with someone else, and he’s just been hiding the proof so well that I can’t find any.

Bringing another couple into our marriage wouldn’t fix that. My heart tells me it would be nearly impossible for no-strings-attached sex to really exist, but my brain has seen the success stories in the forum.

It doesn’t matter.

Maybe it’s time to give up.

I shower as fast as I can, avoiding Cannon and throwing everything into my suitcases without organizing a single thing. Like the rest of my life, I’ll deal with it when I get back home.

“Piper?” he says as he rolls the luggage to the door.

“We need to leave,” is all I say as he reaches for my hand and links his fingers with mine.

“Look at me, Piper.”

I can’t. If I do, I’ll cry.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, please,” he says.

His sunglasses are in place, and I hate that I can’t see his eyes to tell if he’s even looking at me.

Barely above a whisper, I respond as honestly as I can in the moment, “I guess I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Pipes.”

This time, I’m the one shaking my head in disbelief. Because, if I didn’t do anything wrong, how are things so messed up?

“Yet I’m scouring a forum and a swinger site for answers while you’re doing God knows what. You’ve been so distant and different, Cannon. Cold even. You almost sent a message to that couple, telling them we were ready to meet up.”

“I was pissed, Piper. When I typed that message, I wasn’t thinking clearly. It was early, and I couldn’t sleep. You were mad at me. It all snowballed.”

I drop his hand and wrap my arms around my middle. “How did we get here?”

“I don’t know,” he says.

But he does know. He’s the only one who has any answers that can help us. Until he’s ready to say those out loud, we’re going to continue spinning our wheels and sinking further into the mud.

“Was that message you almost sent your answer? You want her?”

Now is his chance to tell me the truth. Yet I know he won’t.

“It wasn’t about her, Piper. It was about giving you what you wanted,” he corrects. “From the messages you exchanged, she already seemed to know a little bit about you from the forums. You’re the one who found the site, not me.”

She knew so much because I used the same screen name on the forum as I did on the website, not thinking I’d actually use the profile on the swinger site. It was only there, so I could look around—not because I wanted to find a couple to play with, but to help me gather information. But, now, my mistake has caused an even bigger problem.

“I sent her a picture of us. She asked. I felt like I had to because I’ve seen them. You saw the comments; she wants you. Maybe you want her, too, now that you’ve seen her.”

“Tell me you don’t want him,” he says. “You’ve been all over their profile. Unless you’re suddenly into chicks, it has to be because of him.”

I could lie all I wanted, but the proof is in the numbers. There’s no denying the fact that I have been drawn to this couple—the sexy, bearded man next to the beautiful blonde—from day one.

“It doesn’t matter, Cannon. Not unless you want to actually swing. Do you?”

He runs his fingers through his hair and adjusts his sunglasses. I wish he’d take them off, but I know it’s easier for him to have this conversation with them on.

“That’s a loaded question.”

“No, I’m asking you an honest question, Cannon. Because, if you think swinging is the answer to our problems, I want to know.”

“Babe, it’s sex. Any guy would find that appealing, no matter who they were. What about you? Same question.”

My face heats at the thought of sleeping with another man with my husband in the same room. I don’t think I could do that. Everything about it sounds awkward and like a recipe for disaster. But then my mind shifts back to the forum. I could be saying no to the best thing to ever happen to us. The thing that could put us back together and make us whole.

“Maybe,” I whisper. “I don’t completely understand it yet.”

He nods and seems to accept that piece of my answer. “Tell me why you’d consider it.”

“It doesn’t matter why, Cannon. Not if I don’t see it happening. We’re going to miss our flight over this stupid conversation.”

“Is it stupid?” he asks. “You’ve spent a lot of time checking out those forums, Piper. A part of you thought this would work for us, or you wouldn’t have wasted your time.”

I hate how well he knows me. We might not have been talking much lately, but he knows how I operate.

So, I tell him, “I read some information when I had too much time on my hands and an entire internet at my fingertips. The forum was about swinging and how it changed this woman’s life. It made her boring, monotonous routine interesting. It brought the heat back into her marriage. Suddenly, what was strained and on the verge of falling apart became captivating. And that’s what got my attention. The chance for our marriage to take a turn for the better. To change. To grow. That’s what I wanted.”

“You don’t think it’s wrong?” he questions. “Sleeping with someone you’re not married to?”

“Yes, and no. It’s obviously not normal for husbands and wives to sleep with other people, but is it wrong if it works?”

“I don’t know, Pipes. I can’t answer that.”

“Then, I guess it’s only wrong if we make it feel that way. Because it can’t be wrong if we’re both consenting and on the same page.”

A couple of people walk down the hallway, and I realize Cannon has our door propped open with one of the suitcases. If anyone were to hear this conversation, I’d die.

“I feel like we’ve just agreed to try this,” he says as he closes the distance between us. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with my wife.”

I wrap my arms around Cannon’s shoulders and lean my cheek against his chest. “Do you still love me, Cannon?”

“Yes,” he says without hesitation.

“Then, I’ll try anything. I want my husband. But I think we need help. We need to try to change.”

He squeezes me tightly around my waist and rubs his hands up and down my back. “I’ll give you whatever you need, Piper. As long as you promise me that everything will work out how it’s supposed to.”

I wish I could make that promise and keep it, but the only way to know that is to live and learn. “You saw what that woman wrote. She said swinging was the best thing to ever happen to her marriage. They’d struggled, too. I want to come out of this stronger than ever.”

“And what happens if we don’t do this?”

“Then, it’s over with. I’ll close the profile and leave the forum and website. We’ll figure out another way.”

He pauses, then starts to say something, and then stops. I panic because the only other option is therapy, and he didn’t respond to that the other night when I asked him if that was what he wanted to do. The thought of divorce cracks my chest wide open. Every ounce of need, want, and desire drains onto the carpet beneath my feet as tears leak from the corners of my eyes.

Kissing away my tears, Cannon holds my face and brings his lips to mine. “I’ll do better, Piper. Give me a chance to fix this before we make any decisions one way or another.”

That’s all I’ve wanted—for him to try to change. To acknowledge that there’s a problem and to help me make it better. But I’m not stupid. While this simple request sounds great coming from him, I’m not sure Cannon even realizes all that needs fixing.

I’ll give him some time though because it’s all we really have left.