Piper

Five days. That’s how long it’s been since our talk in Belize. We’ve spent cozy nights on the couch, gone out to dinner, and even talked a little bit more than usual. It doesn’t matter. Life in Florida is still strained. And, now, there’s brand-new tension that didn’t exist until Cannon saw that website and the messages in my inbox.

It’s my fault. I didn’t think. I just started talking, and I dug myself a hole so deep that there isn’t a ladder long enough to get me out.

Cannon doesn’t know what to do. I’ve caught him watching me from across the room, like he’s trying to decide how to put us back together. Sometimes, I feel like he’ll never figure it out. And, other times, I wonder how much he’s thinking about swinging and what he passed up when he didn’t jump at the chance.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about the other couple. Though I haven’t been online, the forum and the website are still at the forefront of my mind. After all the reading I did, I was almost convinced that swinging could fill the gaps in our marriage. That it would be the glue to put us back together. But, now, I’m not so sure. After seeing Cannon’s reaction, there’s no doubt that being with another man and woman could tear our marriage apart. And why wouldn’t it? Swinging goes against everything monogamy encompasses.

I can’t take that risk. Even though what we have isn’t at its best, it still means more to me than the nagging voice in the back of my mind. The voice that’s been leading me down a very dangerous path.

Cannon’s still asleep. He stayed up most of the night, fiddling around on his laptop. I have no idea what he was working on, a case probably, but I didn’t bother to ask. But watching him sleep makes me crave the contact of being close, so I crawl back into bed, lying on top of the blanket next to him.

I miss the life we used to have. When things were fresh and new and our marriage was a priority. Work was forgotten once the clock struck five. Every second after, I was Cannon’s sole focus, and he was mine. Not a night went by without him inside me—cherishing me, loving me, grounding me.

I run a fingertip down his cheek and all the way to his chin. His tan skin is so soft and warm. It’s been too long since I’ve appreciated this man.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I do love you.”

He stirs and opens one eye. “What’s wrong, Pipes?” His voice is gruff, deepened from sleep, and so sexy.

A familiar tingle tickles my belly button and dances all the way to my clit. I’m supposed to be apologizing for upsetting him with the messages, but all I want is for my husband to touch me, to tell me we’re going to be okay and that he’s got it all figured out.

He lifts the blanket covering him and pulls it back. “Get under here,” he says.

I do as I was told and cuddle beneath the blankets until my cheek is pressed against Cannon’s chest. He wraps his arm around my back and pulls me so close that I sling my leg over his hip.

He doesn’t touch me anywhere else, and I’m too afraid to ask him to. I don’t want to ruin this, so I’m content with being in his arms, thankful for this moment.

We’re as close as two people can get, yet the silence adds so much distance. When I can’t take it anymore, I kiss his chest and lift my head far enough to see his face. His eyes are closed, and his breathing is even. I think he’s asleep until a pained expression narrows his brows.

“Say it,” I tell him. “Just say whatever you need to say.”

“I can’t,” he tells me with his eyes still closed.

“You’re disappointed; I get it. But I’d rather you do your worst with words than shut me out. It’s been five days since we got home, Cannon, and it feels like a month.”

Before I take my next breath, he grabs my hips and sits me up, so I’m straddling him. For a second, his eyes can’t focus on anything but my chest. And I want him.

I shouldn’t be this turned on when we’re on the verge of a serious conversation, but I can’t help it. The entire four years of our marriage, even while we’ve been struggling to connect, we’ve never gone five days without sex. Not even when Cannon was out of town for work. Those nights, we had some of the hottest phone sex. The memory alone makes me squirm.

“What do you want, Piper? Tell me.”

“Talk to me,” I tell him. “You promised you’d try to fix this, but I feel you slipping further away. I’ll give you anything.” Before he looks away, I see the guilt in his eyes. “That’s not what I meant, Cannon. This isn’t about the website. I haven’t been on it—the forum either.”

“But you would give me whatever I wanted. I know you would. Yet I can’t do the same for you.”

“What can’t you give me?” My voice is panicked. I know it is, but I feel like he’s on the verge of saying something that I need to hear. “It’s just you and me, Cannon. It’s always been us. Nothing else matters anymore.”

Shaking his head, he sits up and sets me on the mattress next to him. “It does matter. You’re my wife. And you’re miserable because of me.”

I reach for his chin and cup his jaw in my hand. “You don’t make me miserable. I’m sad because of this wedge between us. I need you to forget about everything you saw in Belize. Pretend like it never existed. I don’t know why I thought swinging was even a possibility. We can fix this without my crazy ideas. So, I’m the one who’s sorry, Cannon. Me. Forgive me.”

I can feel his pulse thrashing around in his neck, and I worry he’s not going to get past this.

Surprising me, he says, “What if you’re right? What if this could save us?”

Dropping my hand, I stare at him in shock. “What? No. I don’t ever plan on talking to that couple again.”

That’s almost a lie. I received an alert from the site just this morning. If I logged on, there’d be a message waiting from the wife of the couple. But I chose to ignore it. For Cannon.

“I think you should message them again,” he says.

I’m blown away. Nothing about this makes sense. That’s why I ask him, “What’s changed?”

Five days is a long time, especially when things are strained. But for him to completely change his mind? I don’t understand.

He licks his lips and shakes his head. Then, he says, “Because…because I understand more than you think I do.”

“What does that even mean? Stop talking in riddles, and just say what you need to say.”

“I’m trying!” he yells. “Just do what I tell you to do.”

Before our conversation the other day, I’ve never brought up the idea of bringing anyone else into our marriage. I’m not even sure I’d be completely okay with someone else touching my husband.

Swinging isn’t cheating.

It’s not dating.

Nothing about it is built upon love.

It’s just four people exploring and living out fantasies that could make their marriages even stronger. But it’s still one hundred percent physical.

“I don’t think I can,” I tell him. “You’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I know you are. You’ve been distracted and you think this is what I want because of how much time I spent exploring the forum and website.”

He grips my shoulders and kisses the top of my head. And then he says in a calmer voice, “Piper, just listen to me, and do it.”

“Okay,” I whisper, mostly because I can’t take another drawn out argument with Cannon.

I climb out of bed, sit down in front of my laptop, and do as he asked, my hands shaking with every keystroke. I was never this nervous just messing around on the sites before.

Probably because this isn’t a random post or even a semi-desperate plea for help.

It’s not research, and it certainly isn’t to pass the time in the middle of the night.

This is swinging.