Chapter 20

Taylor

 

My heart’s heavy as I sit next to him, holding his hand and running my fingers through his long blond hair. He’s handsome up close like this. The chiseled line of his jaw. The stubble that decorates it. He’s the picture of perfection if you ask me.

The doctor came and checked him out. He wanted him to go to the hospital, but the guys said hell no. I don’t know why. I think he needed to go too, but I guess that’s just one of the things I can’t question here. Brooke has told me a few things, but for the most part, she said not to ask questions. If there’s something I need to know, someone will tell me.

I sigh before I lie down on the bed, careful not to hit any of the wires coming from his chest. The doctor left a heart monitor on him and blood pressure cuff. He said we needed to watch him until he woke back up. He also gave him something to calm him, which is why he needs all the other stuff. I can’t help but feel like it was my fault.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here with you. It’s just when I’m with you, I feel safe. I feel wanted. No one has ever wanted me. It was nice while it lasted. You have a good heart, although I don’t know who broke it. I’m sorry, Mayhem. I let my personal life affect yours when I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have pushed you. You didn’t deserve this,” I tell him softly as I run my finger through his hair once more.

“He has his own story.”

I snap my head up and see Blu. He looks so worried. I start to sit up when he shakes his head.

“Stay. He’d want you close.”

I don’t know about all that. Not after how I acted toward him.

“Has he ever had panic attacks like that before?” I ask. That’s what the doctor called them. He said it was a severe panic attack.

“Not that I know of. He was always a healthy boy.” Blu moves closer, sitting in the chair next to the bed.

“I’m sorry. I feel like I caused it.”

Blu shakes his head before he says, “No. It wasn’t you. He’s been off for years. It was her.” Looking at his son, I can see the past flicker before his eyes.

“Who?”

“He had a girl once. She was a good girl. Reminds me of you. She was smart, sweet. Everything you could ask for. She had a drug problem, though. No one saw it, not even her family. Mayhem blamed himself for a long time. Still does. I think that’s why he fights what he feels for you so hard. You remind him of her in ways.”

My heart falls in my chest. That’s why he pushes me away? He didn’t tell me about her, but I guess he wouldn’t. We only fucked a few times. He doesn’t want me, not really. I’m just a reminder of the good he had that he lost.

“You let me know if you need anything,” Blu says.

I nod my head as I watch him leave the room. I lay with Mayhem for a while longer when he groans. I sit up a little and watch his eyes flutter.

“Becca?” He says weakly. My chest tightens.

“It’s Taylor. I’ll get someone for you.” Tears fill my eyes when he grabs my wrist.

“Tay?” He questions as though he doesn’t know it’s me.

“Yeah, it’s Taylor.”

His eyes slowly open, coming to rest on me. He looks so lost. “You’re here?” he asks.

I giggle a little as I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “I’m here. You’re ok.” His fingers hold tightly to me. I don’t want to let him go, but I know I need to. I can’t be her. I don’t want to be. Knowing what I know, knowing about her, I have to.

“What the hell happened?” he asks, looking at the monitors. He shifts slightly, pushing himself up the bed.

“The doctor said you had a severe panic attack. Have you had them before? Is that what you had at my house?” I ask. He swallows hard, looking away from me. I guess that’s my answer.

“I’m going to go and let you rest.” I shift and climb off the bed. I can tell that he doesn’t want me in here. I can’t say that I blame him. Walking toward the door, I hear him sniffle, and it breaks me.

“I’m sorry, Mayhem. For looking like her. For reminding you of her.” I know he heard me. I walk out of the room right before I hear him roar. Things crash inside the room behind the closed door. I slide to the floor in a heap of tears. Guilt wracks me. I know it isn’t my fault that we look similar.

“I’m guessin’ he’s awake?” the man standing over me asks. I look up and nod my head.

“Yeah. He is.” He extends his hand which I accept. He pulls me up but doesn’t release me.

“He’ll come around, darlin’. He always does.” I nod again before walking away from him.

I don’t need him to come around. I don’t need him to do anything for me.