Chapter 26

Taylor

 

Asshole.

How dare he try to make me laugh when all I want to do is slit his throat? He is so annoying.

“I’d take you home, but I’m a little inebriated right now,” Mayhem says with a sexy grin.

“You use big words when you’re drunk,” I mumble kicking at the rocks under my boots.

“I’m a man of many talents.”

“I can see.” The silence is awkward. Neither of us knows what to say. I thought for sure that he would have known that Blu was making me come down here, but it was clear by the look in his eyes when he saw me that he wasn’t clued into that fact.

“I don’t know what to say here, Tay. Blu thought it’d be good for me to get away for a while. Clear my head and all that shit,” he says, his words slurred.

“Yeah. I can see how drinking helps with that.” What am I doing? Trying to piss him off? Possibly. Maybe he deserves it. He did say he wanted me to come down, and now he acts like I shouldn’t be anywhere near him. He’s such a contradiction in himself.

“Why are you fuckin’ with me right now?” he snaps at me. There’s the asshole I’ve grown to hate. “Shit! Sorry.” And there’s the asshole I’ve grown to care about.

“I just want to go home.” I stare down at my feet, not wanting to look at him. I just want this thing between us to be over. I just want out. I feel like I’m suffocating, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Before I can think any further, his fingers are lifting my chin. I watch his throat bob as he swallows hard.

“I didn’t know what to say to you. How do you tell someone that you feel things for them but don’t know what to do with it?”

Looking into his eyes, they are as clear as day. Sure, this could be a drunk Mayhem talking to me, but he seems to know exactly what he’s saying. Tomorrow could be a whole different story.

“Was that so hard?” I ask. Mayhem furrows his brows, confused by what I just said.

“You just said it. Was it that hard?” I ask once more. His hand slowly leaves my face, and the loss is more than I can handle. I want to crumble.

“It is that hard. I come with baggage, Tay. Not your typical ex-boyfriend type either. I come with death, destruction, mayhem. My life isn’t your life; I don’t know how to make the two of them meld together and work.” His eyes are dancing with unsureness. Mayhem takes a step back, but I take a bold step forward. I want him. If I have to grow up and take what I want, I will.

“I am not her. She might have been weak, but I’m not,” I state boldly.

His nostrils flare the closer I get to him. Is he mad? Is he realizing that I won’t break the way she did? Am I pushing him too far?

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re sayin’.” His chest heaves. He’s approaching a line that I don’t know if he can come back from.

“Yes, I do. I can handle your baggage. The question is, are you willing to let me?” The rapid rise and fall of his chest worries me. I don’t want him to have any setbacks. I don’t want him to have any more panic attacks either and I fear that’s where I’m pushing him.

“You can handle it, huh? You can handle that I kill people? That I fuckin’ like killin’ people?” he counters. His words sting worse than any blade could.

“You do what you have to do.” Is that something I can handle? He’s a killer. I’ve known it all along. At least in the back of my mind, I have.

“Why do you push me away, Mayhem? Why is it so hard for you to let someone in!” I scream. His eyes widen before refocusing on me.

“You wanna know why?!” He roars before he says, “Cause every time I let myself believe I have somethin’ good, it’s gone! It disappears from my hands.” Holding his hands out in front of himself, he exposes his truths to me. “My mom couldn’t handle life when I got older. She bailed on us! Do you know what that fucks up in a kid’s head? Do you!” He screams louder. My heart sinks. “My own mother couldn’t handle me. Then I found Becca. And what the fuck did that get me? More fuckin’ heartache, Tay! More than I can fuckin’ handle anymore.” The tears fill his eyes, and my heart breaks.

“I do know how that feels. My mom died when I was little or did you forget that little fact!” I scream back at him.

“She didn’t have a fuckin’ choice, Tay, and you know it. Mine did.” He huffs.

“And my dad? What’s his excuse?” I throw that in his face. Why? To prove that he isn’t alone. His mom may have walked and he may have lost Becca, but he has his dad. He has his brothers. He has his club. He has me.

“Your dad? That is just a waste of a fuckin’ life. He doesn’t deserve to be your father.” Mayhem grinds his teeth when I smile.

“And your mother didn’t deserve you as her son. You are better than that! As far as Becca, she made her own choices, Mayhem. She did what she wanted to do. You can go on blaming yourself for the rest of your life, but that doesn’t change a goddamn thing and we both know it.”

His head drops forward, defeat written all over his face. He doesn’t have the strength to fight me anymore, and frankly, I don’t either.

I’ve never been a quitter before. But I will be damned if I spend the rest of my life trying to be something I’m not for this man.