I couldn’t get the dream out of my head all the next day. It took me hours to go back to sleep and when I got up again for good, I realized that I was late for school. I had an anatomy midterm in an hour, and I was barely going to be on time.
It occurred to me as I was running for the bus that I hadn’t even studied. Between fighting with my parents, sleeping with Cade, and worrying about Cade, I had no idea what was going to happen. I’d always gotten good grades—in the past, it wasn’t really something that I’d had to worry about—but now I was afraid that somehow I wouldn’t be able to pull it off.
The professor raised her eyebrow at me as I slid into class and slipped into a seat.
“Decided to join us?” She smirked at me and a small ripple of laughter buzzed through the classroom.
I rolled my eyes. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “I was running for the bus.”
The test was hard. Harder than anything I’d ever taken before, especially in her anatomy class. I gripped my pencil and flipped through the test booklet. Finally, there was a problem on the third page that I thought I could do. Closing my eyes, I tried to remember everything that I’d read about anatomy. Everything was slipping through my mind, like sand through an hourglass. I still saw Cade when I closed my eyes but it wasn’t much of a comfort. What could he do to help me if I flunked out of college?
Afterwards, I was feeling sick. I was still working when the timer went off and when I looked up, I realized all of the other students had already finished and left. The professor smirked at me again as I handed the booklet over to her. I hadn’t even gotten to the last two questions. I prayed that somehow I’d find a way to get through the class anyway.
“Vanessa, is everything all right?” The professor eyed me. “You know, the school counseling center is really good. In case you ever need to talk to anyone.”
I shook my head defensively. “I’m fine,” I said quickly. “I mean, I’m not really fine.” I smiled. “But I will be fine, and I promise I’ll do really well in this class.”
The professor nodded. A trace of her smugness had fallen away. “I know pre-med is really hard,” she said. “But you’re doing a great job, Vanessa. I’m confident that you’ll be able to succeed.”
I smiled weakly. My stomach was churning—she hadn’t seen my midterm yet. I had an A in the class so far, but the midterm counted for over twenty percent of the final grade.
“Sorry,” I said. “I have another class.” And before she could answer, I darted away.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the library. I really wanted to hear from Cade. I hated to admit it, but the dream I’d had the night before really stressed me out. Were things like that common in motorcycle gangs? I didn’t know anything about Cade’s life. And the more I thought about it, he didn’t know anything about my life either. We were like strangers who just so happened to have had sex. More than once.
And you were thinking that you’d fallen in love with him? Gosh, you’re a stupid girl. I winced, laying my head down on one of the big, wide library tables that groups use for studying. It was late in the afternoon but the library was packed—all around me, I could hear girls chattering with boys about whether or not they were going to pass their classes. My stomach knotted as I realized I didn’t really know any of them. I’d been going to UW Madison for over two years, and I’d never made an effort to really make friends. No wonder Kimmy thought I was such a giant loser.
The bus ride home was dull. I knew that I should study—I had two more midterms the next day—but I couldn’t force myself to do it. Instead, I made a snack and sat on the couch, mindlessly flipping through channels.
Kimmy got home around eight. I’d barely done anything in the two hours that I’d been home, and I was starting to feel guilty and anxious. Every time I looked at my biochemistry book, Cade’s face popped into my head. I remembered how thrilling it had felt to talk with him, how I’d first felt when I realized that he found my attractive.
“Hey,” Kimmy said. She flopped down on the other end of the couch. “I see your ’rents got going.”
I nodded. “Yeah, um, we had a fight,” I said. “But they left at least, so there’s that.”
Kimmy stared at me. “You have a weird family,” she said nonchalantly. She began to pick at some of her pink nail polish. “Hey, I’m going out later. You wanna come?”
I frowned. “Where are you going?”
Kimmy shrugged. “Somewhere to eat,” she said casually. “I don’t have any midterms. So it’s not like I have to study.” She raised her eyebrows at the textbook spread out over my lap.
“I totally failed one today,” I groaned. “I couldn’t even answer one of the questions!”
Kimmy stared at me. “You, really? What’s on your mind?” She narrowed her eyes and scooted closer to me on the couch. “You should really come out with me, get your mind off whatever’s bothering you.”
I desperately wanted to tell her about Cade, but I wouldn’t have even known what to say. After all, Cade and I had to keep things secret. He’d explicitly told me that I couldn’t tell Kimmy. I shivered. What exactly would happen if I were to disobey him?
I shuddered. “Yeah, I’ll come,” I said softly. “Let me change.”
Twenty minutes later, Kimmy and I were sitting down in a diner. I hadn’t even realized how hungry I was until a menu had been shoved in front of my face. I didn’t care that the booth was sticky, or that the smell of food coming from the back of the kitchen wasn’t exactly appetizing. I hadn’t eaten anything since my mom’s horrible cooking, so I ordered a big breakfast platter with sausage, eggs, and toast. Kimmy ordered a salad.
She yawned and took a sip of iced tea. “So, what’s new with you?” She cracked an ironic smile at me. “We never really see each other.”
Yeah, because you’re almost never home, I thought. “Uh, yeah,” I said. “Well, my parents were here and that was kind of awful.” I let out a laugh. “I’ve actually been spending all of my time at the…at the library.” I smiled and bit the inside of my cheeks at the lie. “I mean, it’s not really fun, but I need to be better about studying.”
Kimmy cocked her head to the side. “Yeah,” she said absentmindedly. “I’ve been going out. I can’t believe how lame the guys are this year!” She glanced around the diner like she was hunting for prey. “I mean, most of the time, I’ve met two or three really cute ones by this point in the semester. But no one this year.” She frowned and drank another gulp of tea. “I guess I should be working more, but it’s really hard to force myself.”
I nodded. “Totally,” I said, even though I didn’t really understand what she’d meant. “I mean, do you want a boyfriend?”
Kimmy burst out laughing like I’d just said the stupidest thing of all time. “God no,” she snapped. “Of course not. I don’t really date, you know. I just like going out from time to time.” She yawned, like she was already bored with hanging out in the diner. “I mean, some of those Bleeding Prophet guys are really hot. But they either want, like, a porn star or a virgin. You know?”
“They do?” I tried to keep my voice neutral. I wasn’t either, that was for sure, but I knew which side of the scale I fell closer to. “I mean, that guy, Cade, he didn’t seem like that.”
Kimmy’s mouth curled into a smile. “Vanessa, didn’t you listen to a goddamn word I said? He’s a bad dude! Stop asking about him!” She smirked at me, like she knew everything. “I mean, ask about him if you want. But really, he’s not going to be interested in you.”
My shoulders sagged with relief when she said that. For a moment, I was almost worried that she’d have guessed what Cade and I had been up to.
“Right,” I said. “I mean, it’s not like I know him or anything. We only met at that party,” I added.
Kimmy laughed. “That’s not true,” she said. “We ran into him that one night, remember?” She rolled her eyes. “You have a terrible memory for a pre-med student,” she joked. “I wouldn’t want you operating on me!”
I sagged against the diner booth. The waitress, an older woman with frosted yellow hair and a round figure, brought over our plates. The food smelled amazing and I wasted no time dumping ketchup all over my eggs and shoveling a big forkful into my mouth. Some of them fell off the fork and landed on my lap. “Oh shoot,” I mumbled, reaching over for a napkin.
“Oh shoot?” Kimmy looked at me and laughed. “I really need to get you out more,” she said in a confidential tone. “You’re going to, like, wither away unless we get out to a bar. Right now.”
“Oh, no,” I said. I wiped my mouth with a napkin and took a smaller bite of the perfect, fluffy eggs. They were so delicious, I could have waved the waitress over and ordered three more helpings. It was unusual that I was this hungry, but I brushed it off as stress. Guiltily, a momentary flash of the anatomy midterm came back to me. I shouldn’t be eating like this, I thought. I should be home, studying and emailing the professor how to ask for extra credit.
“Come on,” Kimmy said. She folded her hands on the table and took a sip of her tea. “We’re going out for a drink after this. And you’re going to talk to a guy! I’m not letting you home until some guy asks for your number, okay?”
“Oh my god, no,” I said quickly. My mind flashed to Cade and I felt another pang of guilt, this one much stronger than the one I’d just experienced over my midterm. “Kimmy, I couldn’t do that. I have two more tests tomorrow! I need to go home and study!”
Kimmy stared. “You were all eager to come out before I said anything about flirting with a guy,” she said coolly. “I’m starting to think you’re a lesbo, Vanessa.”
I gasped. Kimmy smiled cruelly.
“Okay,” I said softly. “Okay. One bar, and then home.”
Kimmy smiled. “Good,” she said quickly. “It’ll be fun, Vanessa. I promise!”
An hour later, I was not having fun. Kimmy had eaten her snack and then pulled me outside the diner. We’d caught a cab to downtown Madison and gone inside one dive bar after another. I couldn’t believe how anyone managed to find bars like this fun. At all. They were all noisy, smelly, and full of smoke. At the first bar, a guy tried to grab me and kiss me. When I pushed him away, he acted like I was the one who’d done something wrong.
“Kimmy, I don’t know about this,” I told her miserably as she passed me a drink. It was floral-smelling and pink, kind of like what I’d drank back at the Bleeding Prophets clubhouse. “This really doesn’t seem like a good idea.”
“Oh, relax,” Kimmy said. She threw back a shot of tequila, her third of the evening, and grabbed my arm, dragging me over to a corner table. There, I vaguely recognized some familiar faces from the Madison bus.
“Hi,” I said shyly as Kimmy poked me in the ribs. “I’m Vanessa. I’m Kimmy’s roommate.”
A gorgeous guy with brown eyes and messy blond hair leaned over and winked at me. “Hi, Kimmy’s roommate,” he said. We shook hands and then he pulled me into a hug. It wasn’t a sexy hug, more like one from best friends who hadn’t seen each other in a few years. When I took another look at him, I saw a silver hoop through his right ear and a trace of lipstick on his mouth.
“I’m Calvin,” the guy said.
“Whoa,” I replied. “That’s the same name as my high school boyfriend!” I blushed after the words had spilled from my mouth, realizing how stupid I’d sounded.
Calvin threw his head back and laughed. “Oh, honey, he had good taste, but trust me, I like boys.” He linked his arm through mine. “Kimmy, you didn’t tell me you roomed with someone from The Brady Bunch!”
I blushed. “Sorry,” I said. “I’m not really used to going to bars.”
Calvin giggled like a girl. “Bars suck,” he said confidently. “I just like to meet cute boys. You see anyone cute tonight?”
I scanned around the room. There were tons of men: men drinking, men smoking, men dragging women into the restroom. For a moment, I thought I saw Cade, but then I realized it was someone else, not half as good-looking as Cade.
“No,” I said honestly. “I’m…I’m not really dating right now.” I cringed. It wasn’t exactly a lie, I wasn’t really dating. More like awkwardly trying not to tell anyone about this gorgeous guy I was sleeping with. But that wasn’t really dating. Dating was a guy calling for a date three days in advance. Dating was waiting ten dates to sleep with a guy. Dating was waiting at least six months before spending the night; a year before saying “I love you.” What I felt for Cade didn’t even come close to that—after meeting him, I’d been instantly obsessed.
“I had a boyfriend,” Calvin continued as he walked me over to the bar, away from Kimmy’s prying eyes. “But he dumped me. I mean, I cheated on him…so I get it. But harsh!” He laughed and I wound up giggling along. His laughter was infectious, and I liked being around a guy who wouldn’t try to get in my pants, no matter how drunk I got. I wondered why I’d never met any nice gay guys before.
In my head, I saw my parents’ faces growing red with anger as they saw their daughter drinking alcohol in a strange bar and talking to a homosexual. Mom and Dad hated gay people—they even went on a special trip with their church to protest the legalization of gay marriage. But Calvin was so cute and sweet. I didn’t understand how anyone could possibly dislike him.
“I dated a guy in high school, the other Calvin,” I said. “But, um, I haven’t really ever had a boyfriend. Not like, a boyfriend-boyfriend.”
Calvin nodded, like he automatically understood my lame high school lingo. “It’s cool, sugar,” he said. “You’ll find someone. You’re so adorable!” He glanced at my cardigan and slim-fit jeans. I’d bought them on impulse the other night, and I was still worried that I looked like a dork. “You look like a sweeter version of Audrey Hepburn.”
I giggled nervously. I didn’t know who that was, but I had a feeling that it was a compliment. Calvin handed me another pink drink and we clinked plastic glasses together. I still didn’t understand what the big deal was about alcohol. It couldn’t be that bad. Everyone I knew now drank. Cade drank, Kimmy drank, and so did my new friend, Calvin. It was just a social construct, something that people did to fit in. Plus, I kind of liked how I felt after having a few drinks: sexy and untouchable, the kind of person I would have envied before meeting Cade.
“So,” I said casually. “Do you go to UW Madison?”
Calvin shook his head. “Nah,” he said casually. “I dropped out. I went to beauty school, and now I’m a hairdresser.” As he spoke, he lifted the ends of my brown hair in the air and scrutinized them. “This is gorgeous,” he said. “Is this your natural color?”
I blinked. “What?”
“Do you dye your hair?” Calvin asked again, a note of exasperation creeping into his voice. “You can tell me, honey, I won’t gossip.”
I giggled. “No! I’ve never dyed my hair,” I said. “God, my parents would kill me!”
Calvin stared for a moment before bursting into laughter. “You are too cute,” he said. “Worrying about your parents and everything!”
“I don’t see what’s so funny,” I mumbled, blushing. “I was just sheltered, that’s all.”
“Honey, I’d change that,” Calvin said. “Life’s so much more fun when you don’t worry what other people think of you.” He downed the rest of his pink cocktail and gestured for me to do the same. It felt like warm, welcome fire dribbling down my throat.
“I bet you’re right,” I said, looking around the room of people having fun. “It’s just hard for me, that’s all.”