In the morning, I expected to feel much better. Instead, I felt worse. I dragged my butt out of bed and got dressed before walking to the bus stop and waiting for the campus bus. Before I could get out to the Four Courts Motel, I had class. And midterms. I cringed as I checked my email while waiting for the bus. Anatomy midterm grades had been posted, and the professor had asked me to see her outside of class. That all but confirmed I’d totally bombed the test.
By the time I got to campus, I was a nervous wreck. I knew that since I’d moved out of my parents’ house, they wouldn’t get my grades mailed to them. That had been the scenario my freshman and sophomore year of college. Even though I’d gotten straight As, it had been a complete nightmare. I still prickled with embarrassment over one incident in particular. I’d gotten a B on a test for missing a couple of stupid questions, and my father had tacked the test on the fridge. Whenever my parents’ friends from church would come over, Dad would pull the test down and explain that I wasn’t going to be getting into med school due to the unfortunate mistakes that I’d made in the most basic of classes.
Thinking about it now made me want to cry. I had an irrational fear of my father finding out that I’d bombed my anatomy midterm, and my stomach began churning with fear before I even went into my first class.
I hadn’t had time to study for these midterms, either, but thankfully they were both easier than the anatomy test had been. By the time it was the middle of the afternoon, I was done, albeit exhausted.
I stood outside, waiting for a cab to the Four Courts Motel and tried to turn my thoughts to Cade. What was it going to be like between us? Would everything continue to disintegrate, to turn sour? How the heck was I supposed to manage dealing with a boyfriend who I couldn’t even call a boyfriend? Calvin had come the closest to guessing about him, but I hadn’t wanted to reveal any more information that I’d had to.
“Vanessa!” I turned around and saw Kimmy jogging up to me. “What’s up? Where are you going?”
“Um.” She looked both friendly and guarded, like she was trying to guess more than whatever I’d tell her. “I need to study,” I said lamely. “I’m actually going to the library.”
Kimmy frowned. “Then why the hell are you taking a cab?” She reached over and pointed towards a large building behind me. “The library is right over there, doofus.”
“I’m going to the public library, in downtown Madison,” I lied. “It’s bigger, has more space.” I laughed nervously. “No weirdo college kids hanging around either!”
Kimmy stared at me. “Vanessa, what’s going on? You’re acting like a complete nut.”
“Nothing,” I chirped brightly. “I think I didn’t do so well on a midterm, that’s all. Need to spend more studying, you know, get the ole grade point average back up!” I swung my arm through the air, pretending to cheer.
“Right,” Kimmy said. “Hey,” she added, as if it was an afterthought. “I’m going out tonight. You wanna come with?” She waggled her eyebrows at me. “Might be nice, might meet some cute guys!”
“I can’t,” I said. “I’m sorry. I really do have to study!”
My cab pulled up and I was overcome with a rush of gratitude. As I ran towards the backseat, Kimmy called my name one more time. I turned around to face her.
“Yeah, what is it?”
Kimmy wasn’t smiling. “You can’t sneak around,” she said.
I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“Just that you can’t lie to me, Vanessa. So don’t even think about it. You got that?” Kimmy was smirking, transforming her beautiful face into something ugly. “You can’t keep lying to me.”
I pulled open the door to the cab and tossed my books onto the backseat. The driver was grumbling at me to hurry up, but I ignored him and turned back to Kimmy. “I’m not lying,” I insisted. “I really do have to study. I’ll see you later, okay? Have fun tonight!”
Without waiting for Kimmy to respond, I dove into the cab and gave the driver the address to the Four Courts Motel.
# # #
When Cade opened the door, it was like nothing bad had ever happened between us.
For a moment, we stared at each other, our eyes locked. I was breathing heavily and I dropped my books on the floor of the dingy room at the exact moment when Cade pulled me into his arms. The feel of his strong muscles around my small body was enough to overwhelm me, and I closed my eyes and tilted my face upwards for the kiss I knew was coming.
Cade pulled me close. “I missed you,” he murmured in a husky voice, right before planting his lips against my own and kissing me deeply. Feelings of amazement and pleasure swarmed through my body. I could no longer think of the anxiety that came from missing him when we were apart. All I could think about was how delicious it felt to be reunited with him, the man I loved.
Wait, love? My head snapped back and I closed my eyes. Did I love him? I didn’t know, but if this wasn’t love, then I had no idea what love really felt like.
“I missed you, too,” I said softly. We kissed again and this time it was softer, more tender. His lips seared against my skin and I moaned with the delicious pleasure of feeling his strong mouth against my own, guiding me, shaping me into the woman he wanted me to be.
“I need you,” Cade said. He tightened his grip on me and lifted me high into the air. As we walked backwards towards the bed, I closed my eyes and let myself fall on the soft, lumpy mattress.
“I need you, too,” I said. Our eyes locked again and I felt a shiver of desire and arousal crawl down my spine. Cade was the most intense man I’d ever met, the only man I could want as much as I wanted him. As his lips nudged my chin to the side and began to kiss a raw, wet path down my neck, I moaned and arched my back on the bed.
I was wearing one of the new outfits that Calvin had helped me assemble from all of the clothes that I already owned: the skirt that Kimmy had “fixed” for me and a black button-down shirt that I felt was too small. Calvin said it was just right, though, and I had to admit that I loved the way Cade’s hands on me felt through the thin fabric. He stroked his fingers down my chest and squeezed, sending erotic shivers through every nerve, every cell of my body. As he began to unbutton my shirt and tug it off my frame, I sat up and stared at him. While I’d never felt comfortable with my body in the past, being with Cade felt like a real game-changer. He made me feel sexy, wanted, like I was a woman worthy of his masculine desire. As he tore my shirt off and threw it to the floor, I reached behind and unhooked the clasp of my bra. My breasts felt differently than normal—tender and kind of heavy, the way they felt right before my period started. But the sensation only added to the intense desire coursing through my body and I closed my eyes and moaned as Cade rubbed his thumbs over my erect nipples. He knew exactly how to touch me, how to play me like a string on a fine instrument.
I reached for Cade’s shirt and tugged it over his head. The sight of his bare chest never failed to elicit enthusiasm in my body, and I ran my fingers wonderingly over the smooth skin, dotted with scars and tattoos. I couldn’t believe that he was mine, that a man like Cade would want me. He was only twenty-two, but he was worlds away from all of the guys at UW Madison. It made me remember something Kimmy had said, back when we’d first met. Something about how only boys went to college, and real men were men like Cade.
“I love the way you look,” I said, blushing. I’d rarely said the ‘L’ word out loud before, and I knew that I couldn’t tell Cade how I truly felt about him. Even thinking that was just some kind of disaster waiting to happen. After all, didn’t men hate it when women confessed their feelings? Didn’t men always want to be the people in charge of that?
Dating was so confusing.
Luckily, Cade brought my mind right back to the present. He unbuckled his belt and drew it through his belt loops, tossing it on the floor with one hand and unbuttoning his jeans with the other. When they fell to the ground, I gasped. I was never going to get over the sight of him, how beautiful he was without clothes on. He wasn’t wearing underwear, and his veiny, thick cock was rock hard and standing straight up in the air.
“Like what you see?” Cade winked at me and I felt a hot blush rise over my neck and cheeks. Without breaking eye contact, I reached down and unfastened my pants, raising my hips and sliding them down my body. Now, clad only in panties, I reached for Cade’s wrist and pulled him on the bed so that our bodies were in a tangle of limbs. Our mouths met in a frantic, messy kiss and he slipped his tongue between my lips and into my mouth. The sensation threw something within me loose and I felt wild, like I was suddenly exploding, bigger than my body, bigger than the Four Courts Motel.
Cade climbed on top of me and I felt his cock probing between my legs, jabbing at my thighs. As we moved together and I spread my legs, he ground hard against my crotch. The feeling rocketing through my body was incredible, and I groaned loudly as the delicious sensation shot through my body.
“Cade!” I cried out. “Cade, I need you!”
Cade yanked the soaked crotch of my panties to the side and, without warning, plunged inside of me. I was so wet that he slid right in to the hilt and I gasped. Closing my eyes, we stayed like that for a moment. Then, Cade began to pump his hips slowly. His cock slid in and out of my body and I groaned as I felt my lower belly clench with pleasure. Suddenly, the days and hours that we’d spent without each other no longer mattered. I only cared about right now, what was happening with Cade when his cock was plunged into my body. His deep blue eyes stared into my own and I felt more naked than I’d ever felt before.
“Vanessa,” Cade whispered as his thrusts became more desperate, hungrier, needier. “I need you. I need you to belong to me, I need to claim you.” I saw his face change as the fucking became more serious for him.
The sensations shooting through my body were building so fast, but I wanted to come together. He grabbed both of my wrists with one hand and pinned my arms over my head until I was sweating and thrashing against him, desperate for more clit stimulation. Cade grinned. He reached his free arm between our bodies and began to rub my clit with his thumb until I was screaming with pleasure. Finally, I felt my orgasm overtake me in a tidal wave of light and agony. Closing my eyes, I howled loudly as my pussy clamped down over Cade’s massive cock, again and again. Cade cried out and groaned, slamming his body against mine and gushing ropes of cum inside of me.
“I love you,” Cade said. He lay his head on my chest and gazed at me. “And it’s not just because you gave me the best lay of my life.”
I stared at him. “What?”
“I love you,” Cade repeated. “I love you, Vanessa. I don’t want to be without you, I want you in my life all the time.”
Tears began to well in my eyes and I reached up to wipe them away. “What are you saying?” I asked. My voice was shaky and I could barely keep the tears from dripping down my cheeks.
“Do you love me?” Cade pulled out of me and rolled over, propping himself up on his elbows and staring into my eyes. For the first time, I realized how vulnerable he looked, almost like a little boy. “Do you love me, Vanessa?”
“Yes,” I said softly. I swallowed hard. “But what does it matter? We’re too different, Cade. We lead different lives. We live in different worlds.”
Cade stared into my eyes. “Marry me, Vanessa.”
I gasped. “What?”
“I asked you to marry me.” Cade’s face was as intense as ever. “Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world.”
I stared at him. “Cade, we can’t get married! Nobody even knows that we’re together.”
“I know it sounds crazy.” Cade slid under the covers of the flimsy bed and pulled the comforter over me. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close. “It sounds totally insane, and I get that. But if we’re married, things won’t be like they are now. Members of the Bleeding Prophets are allowed to have wives…just not girlfriends. You’d be protected, Vanessa. Nothing bad would happen to you, and all of the guys would be sworn to defend you if anything happened.”
I was still gaping. I couldn’t help it. My chest was filled with a crazy mix of emotions and I still felt like I was going to cry.
“Cade, I don’t know,” I said softly.
Cade kissed me hard. The stubble on his chin scraped against my bare skin and I moaned inadvertently into his mouth. Just kissing him was enough to get my juices flowing again, and I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him as close as I could.
“Vanessa, come on,” Cade said. “Nothing between us would change,” he added. “You’d still finish school, and then we’d see where we wanted to be when you were done with med school.” He tapped his head. “I’ve been trying to work up the courage to talk to you about this for days,” Cade added. “I love you. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, and I can’t live without you in my life.”
“Okay,” I said softly.
“You’ll do it? You’ll marry me?” Cade’s face stretched into a wide grin. He jumped up and began chattering like an excited little kid. “I don’t have a ring, but I promise that’s gonna change, Vanessa. I have a ton of money saved up, and I promise I’ll get you something really spectacular. And what kind of wedding do you want? A real wedding? Something small? Just the courthouse? Do you want Kimmy there? What about your parents?”
I had to break away from Cade and lay back down in bed. “I don’t know,” I said. I covered my eyes with my hands and tried to think about what was happening. “Cade, this is too fast! I want to be with you, but doesn’t this seem like the wrong way to do it?”
Cade shook his head. “Vanessa, you really don’t get it,” he said. This time, his voice was more solemn and serious than it had been a few seconds ago. “This is a big deal. This is like you joining the club…but you can’t join the club unless they know that you’re in it for the long haul. It’s not like you can just date me and then jump town a few weeks later. All of the guys would think that you were giving secrets to our enemies.”
I stared. “I’d never do that,” I said softly. “But I want to know about the future, Cade. I want to know what our life is going to be life. How can I be a doctor if my husband is dealing drugs? That doesn’t work,” I said slowly, shaking my head. “You have to promise me that things are going to change, that you’re going to try to find yourself in more legitimate business practices.”
“I’ve already thought of that,” Cade replied. I had to admit that his sincerity impressed me. “Pushing pills is how Bleeding Prophets move up their members. Well, I’ve been doing it for years and Rudy knows that I’m serious about the club. He told me that I couldn’t see you anymore because my performance was suffering, but I’ve been doing really well lately.” Cade paused and ran a hand through his messy hair. “And I know you hate me going to those parties, but I had to. I had to find a way to earn money for us, and I had to have Rudy know that I was taking my duties as a Prophet seriously.”
I bit my lip and nodded. “I think I understand,” I said. “But what’s going to happen in the future? What are we going to do then?”
“We’ll work together, and find a lifestyle that works for us,” Cade said softly. He pulled me close and wrapped an arm around me, stroking the shorter ends of my brown hair. “I won’t push drugs, and you’ll have a real career. I’ve always been good as a mechanic, Vanessa. I’m gonna get better than I am now, and then maybe open a garage or something. I always want you to know how important to me you really are.”
This time, the tears began to flow in earnest. When I tried to wipe them away, Cade chuckled and began kissing my face, over and over.