I knew that I couldn’t go home. After Kimmy’s betrayal, the last thing I wanted to do was see her smug, smiling face and stupid blonde hair. She’d betrayed me.
Deep down, I knew that it probably wasn’t Kimmy’s fault. Rudy would have been angry to learn about me no matter the circumstances. Just because she’d spilled the beans didn’t mean that she was a villain. Of course, realizing this didn’t do anything but make me sigh. I was still angry with Kimmy, and I didn’t know if I could handle seeing her again without blowing up at her. The anger coursing through my veins felt hot and dangerous, and I knew that I had to be on my own for a little bit.
When I thought of Cade sitting on the bed, a dead look in his eye, I started feeling worse than ever before. He’s going to be fine, I told myself. He has to be fine, right?
Rudy, the other Prophets, and Kimmy had all left by the time I walked through the parking lot. The road seemed empty, and I realized that I was going to have to call a cab if I wanted to leave before Cade saw me. Rudy had given him an hour—I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen when that hour was up. Was he going to be punished by the Prophets for defying his leader? Would something bad happen?
I shivered. I wanted to believe that no harm would come to Cade. After all, his lieutenant cared about keeping him around in the Prophets. If he was that valuable, I didn’t think they could do anything to jeopardize his status, or his future, in the club. But part of me worried all the same. Cade was a big guy, a real man who could take care of himself. But after sleeping with him for weeks and falling in love with him against my will, I was starting to realize that he was just as vulnerable as I was. The only difference between us was that Cade was better at hiding it.
After I called for a cab, I sat down and leaned against the back of the motel. Back here was even seedier than the front: I had to pick my way around broken beer bottles and cigarette butts just to find a clean patch of asphalt. I was shaking and my heart was pounding in my chest. Somehow, I wanted this all to be a joke or a bad dream. It had to be a dream. What kind of asshole would keep Cade away from what he really wanted in life?
# # #
The cab showed up about twenty minutes late. I was dragging a stick around on the parking lot and keeping one ear cocked for any sound. As far as I could tell, Cade had yet to emerge from our room. Maybe he didn’t want it to be over any more than I did. Whenever I looked down at my left hand, a pang went through my chest. A few hours ago, I’d believed that I’d be wearing a ring before the end of the week. Now I was consigning myself to a life of spinsterhood.
“Can you take me to the Madison Library?” I slipped into the backseat of the cab. It smelled like furniture polish and old leather and I closed my eyes and tried to breathe in. It was different from Cade’s distinct, manly scent. I’m never going to smell him again, I realized as the cab lurched away. I need to forget him and concentrate on my studies. That’s the only way I’m going to get through this.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I yanked it out, desperately hoping that it would be Cade. Or even Rudy, telling me that he’d made a mistake and that he didn’t care if Cade and I stayed together. A lump formed in my throat when I realized that it was my mother.
“Hi, Mom,” I said uncertainly after waging an inner war about whether or not I should answer the phone. “What’s up?”
“Vanessa, honey, I’m glad to hear your voice,” Mom said. I cringed, waiting for the inevitable insult to follow. “How are you?”
I swallowed hard. My heart was pounding, but I knew that I couldn’t let on about anything being weird in my life. “I’m fine,” I said after a moment. “I’m just going to the library.” I cleared my throat. “I thought about what you and Dad said, and I think you were right. I’m going to move out of Kimmy’s apartment and move in by myself somewhere.”
My mom made a faint noise of surprise. “Really, honey? That’s wonderful!” There was a wet squelching sound as her hand gripped the receiver. I heard her speaking to my father in muffled tones, and then her voice was back, louder than ever. “Vanessa honey, your father is just so happy for you, too!”
I grimaced. “That’s great,” I said as calmly as I could. “How are you guys doing?”
Mom made a clucking noise. “Oh, we’re fine,” she said casually. I could tell that she was about to drop a bombshell on me. “Honey, are you sure that you’re doing alright?”
“Yeah, why?” I couldn’t stop the suspicion from creeping into my voice. “What’s going on?”
“Well, we just want to make sure, that’s all.” Mom’s voice was falsely bright and full of cheer. “You know, that was a tough visit we had. We’ll have to make sure the next one goes a little better.”
“I don’t really know that it’s going to be a good time, not for a while,” I said. “I mean, I have to move and then finish up the semester.”
I could practically hear my mom pouting through the phone. “Oh, honey, it just seems like your winter break is so far away! And don’t tell me that you haven’t found a church. You remember what Dad and I said?”
I nodded, even though Mom couldn’t see me. “Yeah,” I said slowly. “But I’m still looking.” I sighed. “Look, Mom, with everything going on right now, I’m not even sure that I’ll have time to do that. School is really getting tough, and—”
“The Lord helps us through all things,” Mom said sternly. I cringed. “Vanessa, didn’t we raise you better than this? Didn’t we raise you to be a good Christian girl?”
Not good enough, I thought sourly. The cab pulled up to the library and the cabbie turned around, pointing at the black fare box. “Mom, I’ve got to go,” I said breathlessly. “I’m at the library now. We’ll talk later, okay?”
I hung up without waiting for her to reply. Paying the cabbie, I darted up the stairs and into the library. The computer terminals over to the right beckoned me. As I walked towards them, the sick feeling in my stomach got even worse.
I wished more than anything in the world that I could have talked to someone about the way I was feeling. Why wasn’t there anyone, why didn’t I have any friends?
My head snapped up. Calvin! Yeah, I could call Calvin, I thought excitedly, pulling out my phone and pressing the button for his number. He’d listen to me! A shiver of anxiety went through me when I realized I’d be breaking the promise that I’d made to Cade. But that didn’t matter anymore, did it? It couldn’t matter. We were broken up.
“Hello?”
“Calvin, this is Vanessa,” I said softly. “I’m at the library, do you feel like coming downtown?”
The background was loud and Calvin had to speak up in order for me to hear him. “I don’t know, Vanessa,” Calvin said. “I’m kind of busy right now. You want to hang out later? I’ll be free in a couple of hours.” In the background, I heard another man’s voice whining at Calvin to come back to bed. My cheeks flushed bright scarlet.
“Oh my god, Calvin, I’m sorry,” I gushed. “I just…um. Never mind. Call me later, okay?” For the second time in less than ten minutes, I hung up without waiting for a response. I knew that I should be happy for Calvin, but I couldn’t help feeling a sick envy that spread like poison through my limbs. Why did Calvin get to be happy? Why did he get to have a boyfriend and I didn’t get to have anyone?
Slipping my phone into my pocket, I walked over to the computer terminals and sat down in front of an empty screen. That’s how I feel, too, I thought as I logged in to the computer. Empty. When I’d thought about moving out of Kimmy’s apartment before, I’d stupidly assumed that it would be because I’d be moving in with Cade. But now I knew that was no longer the case. Cade was gone; he wasn’t mine anymore. Not that he’d ever been mine in the first place.
The lump in my throat was getting bigger and bigger as I opened the computer browser to the local listserv that posted apartment listings. By the time I had narrowed down the search to fit my impossible criteria, I realized that it wouldn’t be possible for me to stay in Madison proper. The only thing that I could afford was the basement apartment in a single family home, owned by a man. The ad specified “cute females only,” and when I saw that, I felt the tears coming like nothing I’d ever felt before.
Damn it, I thought as I reached up to wipe a tear away from my eyes. Why the hell does this keep happening to me?
The more listings I combed through, the more alone and hopeless I felt. I felt completely empty and numb inside, and for once, the thought of seeing Kimmy just filled me with ambivalence instead of dread. I hated her for her part in ruining my happiness, but deep down I knew that I couldn’t continue to blame her. She was a jealous cow, sure, but she wasn’t evil. She couldn’t possibly have known the outcome of her actions.
Swallowing hard, I clicked on the next page of listings. These weren’t much better—mostly run down one-bedrooms and studios outside of Madison, in ugly outdated buildings from the seventies. More alarming was the fact that there were only twenty-five listings that met my price range. I had a feeling if I didn’t move fast, I wouldn’t even be able to get into one of these ugly places!
I laid my head down on my arms and began to cry harder than I’d ever cried in my life. In my old life, I would have been much too embarrassed to be wailing in public like this. But I was starting to feel like nothing really mattered. I’d had my chance at real happiness and I’d blown it because I couldn’t be selfish enough to tear Cade away. As Mom would have said, I’d made my bed and now I had to lie in it. As another tear ran down my cheek, I wiped it away and snuffled into the crook of my arm. I missed Cade so much. I missed everything about him—his strength, his love, the way he kissed me so hard I thought I was losing my mind.
The thought just made me cry all the harder.