“Vanessa,” Cade was saying, his voice desperate. “Why did you do that? Why did you lie? Why…” He trailed off, putting his messy blond head in his veiny, muscular hands.
I stared at the ugly, pockmarked ceiling. Looking at him was too painful. Looking at him reminded me of the horrible things that I was about to do. My heart was barely beating in my chest. Every time I closed my eyes and tried to think about it, I realized how desperate I was, how sad I was for my life to be different.
Tears came to my eyes and I let out a deep breath. There was no use trying to keep the Band-Aid on for any longer. It was time.
“I have to leave you,” I said softly, rolling onto my side. The lumpy motel mattress squeaked underneath me, and with a lump in my throat, I realized that today would be the last time I saw the Four Courts Motel. And the last time I see Cade, I realized. The realization was painful. Suddenly, I understood the full magnitude of what I was about to do.
Cade grabbed my wrists. I resisted, but he was stronger and he pulled me close to him.
“Open your eyes,” Cade growled. “Look me in the eye and tell me why you’re doing this to me. Tell me, Vanessa.” I could hear the pain in his voice and it hurt me more than anything else in the world. “Vanessa, you can’t do this,” he begged.
“I have to,” I said. My voice was cold and resolute and I shuddered at the sound. “Cade, getting to know you…seeing you…everything. It’s all been wonderful, but I can’t keep doing this.”
“Why not?” Cade’s voice was a strangled, hoarse cry. “Why can’t you keep seeing me? Why not, Vanessa? What did I do? I promise, I’ll change. I’ll do anything you want. I promise.” He shook his head and screwed his beautiful blue eyes closed. “Why, Vanessa? You just promised that you’d marry me! Why did you promise to marry me and then break up with me?” He shook his head, the confusion and pain incredibly obvious. “Vanessa, why? Why would you do that?”
I closed my eyes again, unable to look at him. It hurt too much—the pain was like something I’d never experienced before. Even when I broke my arm as a little kid, I didn’t remember it hurting this much.
“Because,” I said softly. “I have a life outside of the Bleeding Prophets, Cade. I’m going to school. I’m going to become a doctor.” I stared at him. “And you? Well, you have nothing. The Bleeding Prophets are your life, Cade. You don’t have anything outside of this MC. And if it’s ruined…” I shook my head. “I won’t accept responsibility for being the cause of misery and ruin in your life,” I added. “I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to do that.”
Cade stared at me. “So this is because you think I’m not good enough for you, is that it?” His voice was angry and his nostrils were flared. “Is that it, Vanessa? Just fucking tell me, then! Don’t lie! Don’t say it’s because I don’t have anything!”
I bit my lip. I wasn’t lying, but I didn’t want it to end like this between us. “Cade,” I said softly. “I’m not lying. I don’t want to remember you as an angry man.” I clutched his hands in my own. “I want to remember all of the good times we had together, not the bad. I want to remember the fun, the love.” I shook my head and a tear dripped down my cheek. “I’ll always love you,” I added fiercely.
Cade stared at me, obvious dull pain in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter,” he said morosely. “It doesn’t matter. None of this fucking matters.”
“It does,” I insisted loudly. “I can’t let you throw away your future just because you want to marry me. Your lieutenant is never going to accept me, and I have to deal with that.”
Cade just stared at me. “You’re taking the easy way out,” he said in a low voice. “You’re taking the easy way and you don’t actually want to be with me.” He stared at me and I felt myself shrink back from his intense gaze. He shook his head and I felt a sliver of ice worm its way into my heart. “You just wanted to hurt me, Vanessa. You didn’t even care.”
“That’s not fair!” I cried. Standing up from the bed, I yanked the duvet up and wrapped it around myself. Even though it was warm in the room, I was suddenly covered with chills and I found that I couldn’t stop shaking. “That’s not fair at all, Cade!”
Cade stared at me dully. “Then what is it?”
Tears came to my eyes as I reached down for my bag and slung it over my shoulder. “I already told you,” I spat. “I can’t make you give up your entire life for me. Rudy wasn’t having it, and that means we need to break up.” I stared at him. “If you left the Bleeding Prophets, what would you do? What would happen to us?”
Cade didn’t reply and I felt my heart squeeze, like it was caught in a vice grip. “Vanessa,” he said softly. “Come here, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
A tear ran down my cheek and I hastily wiped it away as I strode over to the door and wrapped my hand around the knob. I had no idea what I’d do—the Four Courts Motel wasn’t close enough to town where I could walk back—but I knew that I had to get away from Cade as soon as I could. If I didn’t, I would take back everything I’d said. If I couldn’t get away from him, I’d wind up hurting myself even more, further down the line.
No matter which way I looked at it, I was completely heartbroken.
“I can’t let you throw your life away just so we can get married,” I said softly. “Don’t you get that? I want you to have a good life, Cade. And in order to have a good life, you need to stay in the Prophets.”
Cade didn’t reply. Finally, I made myself open the door and force myself outside, into the bright sunshine. It stung my eyes after being in the dim, cozy room and I felt my sense of despair completely overwhelm me, like a tidal wave that shoved me against the floor of the ocean.
I wondered if I’d ever be happy again.