Holy shit balls…
I recognized him immediately.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I panicked.
“Sebastian, Ysabelle, nice to finally meet you,” he greeted.
I smiled. “Nice to meet you, too.” I turned to Sebastian. “I’m going to get something to drink do you want something?”
He shook his head no in confusion.
I nodded, smiled at everyone and excused myself as inconspicuous as possible. I franticly walked into the kitchen, looking in every direction. “Where do they keep the hard liquor?” I asked, aloud to myself.
“There’s a bar in the den, you’re in the wrong room.”
I gasped and turned, coming face-to-face with Sebastian.
“What the hell was that?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ysa…” he warned.
“I need a drink and then I’ll tell you.”
He nodded. “Follow me.”
He poured two shots of whiskey and we took them down simultaneously. I tapped on the counter for another and took that one down. “One more,” I said, holding up a finger. “Anthony was a client of VIP,” I blurted during mid-shot. I recognized his angry face immediately. “Oh no! He has a thing for blondes, obviously, I was never with him.”
“Fuck,” he sneered.
“Yeah…he doesn’t recognize me and the only reason I remember him is because Brooke…well, let’s just say he has some interesting fetishes. But hey”—I held my hands in the air—“good for Julia,” I half-laughed, trying to make light of the small world we lived in.
Sebastian looked livid. Was he jealous?
“I mean…it’s not a bad thing that he was a client. You would be surprised how many men were clients that you would never think would be. VIP is a very successful business. I’m sure he’s not still a client, Sebastian, if that’s what you’re worried about. But I mean…you were a client…so…just trying to paint you a picture here,” I reminded.
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
“Then what is it?”
“I would hate for Julia’s life to be torn twice because of VIP.”
“Yeah…me, too,” I murmured.
He took a deep breath and then smiled lovingly at me. “Come on.”
The next hour was interesting to say the least, Sebastian was at my side the entire time but I could tell that he wanted to talk to Julia. The information that I shared was hovering over him and I’m not quite sure what he intended on doing with it, but something told me that it wouldn’t be pretty. We socialized with everyone until Sebastian started talking to Matt, a fellow baseball player from high school. Matt informed me that his wife was at the table with the rest of the women that had babies. I was avoiding that table like the plague but found myself standing there nonetheless. Lesley had their six-month-old baby girl in her arms.
“So you can only imagine the transition from being just the two of us, to the three of us now. But we absolutely adore her, I mean she is such a great baby and she sleeps through the night. We are actually talking about having another one because she is that amazing,” she giggled.
This was exactly why women with babies made me nervous, it’s like they completely forget how to talk about anything else.
“Yeah…that make sense,” I casually replied.
“Oh, Ysabelle, can you do me a favor? Can you hold her while I go get her bag from inside, she needs to be fed soon.”
It sounded like a request, however it wasn’t, she handed her right over to me and didn’t even take into consideration the look of distress that I knew was evident all over my face. She placed her in my arms and just turned around. I had never held a baby before. I held her under her armpits, which was the way she handed her over to me and she wiggled and squirmed. I looked all around me to see if anyone was witnessing the shit show that was happening right before them.
When she started whimpering from being uncomfortable, I started moving her up and down, literally, hoping it would calm her.
Jesus…I am not maternal.
Shouldn’t a woman just know how to handle this? Isn’t it like inbred in us or something?
“It’s okay, little person, stop moving, where the hell is your mom?” I said to myself.
“Why are you holding her like that?” Sebastian questioned, catching me off guard and coming up beside me.
“How else am I supposed to hold her?”
“Definitely not like a football,” he laughed, enjoying my misery.
When she started wailing, he grabbed her from me and cradled her in his arms–she was immediately content, looking at ease and safe in his arms. Nothing of what she displayed when I held her.
I placed my hair behind my ear, trying to act nonchalant. “I’ve never held a baby before. Sorry…”
He cocked his head to the side. “Really?”
I nodded. I hated feeling embarrassed and weak.
“It’s all right, Ysa. See how I’m holding her, they like to be coddled and close to your body, the heat is comforting to them.”
“Right…I’ll make sure to remember that.”
“Here, try again,” he ordered, handing her back over to me.
I held her the exact way he had just done and she wasn’t having it. She screamed bloody murder, making everyone turn to look at us. I nervously smiled as Sebastian once again grabbed her from me.
Fuck…this day just keeps getting better and better.
“It’s okay,” he soothed her, rocking her back and forth until she lamented.
“I guess I’m not good with babies,” I half-laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
He grinned. “You’re nervous, they can sense that.”
“Or…I’m just not made to do that.”
“What do you mean?” he coaxed.
“Oh! Sebastian, you are amazing with her,” Lesley boasted, bringing our attention to her. “Look at how happy she is. Ysabelle, he’s going to be a great father–he’s not nervous at all. Matt still gets a little scared when I leave her with him. You’re so lucky.”
Oh yes…so lucky.
Sebastian drew me into the side of his body and I instantly felt at ease. I guess I could relate as to why the baby relaxed in his arms, it worked for me, too. He calmed me as much as he calmed her and I loved him for that. He kissed the top of my head, as if he knew what I was thinking. We were that in sync with one another, always had been.
I found myself in the bathroom, staring at my own reflection in the mirror. I couldn’t help but be bothered by the fact that I felt nothing when I held that baby girl. It was more like a burden than a blessing.
Was that how my mother felt when she had me?
Was it hereditary that I wouldn’t be a good mother? Was that God’s way of showing me that it wasn’t in the cards for me? I would never bring a child into this world, knowing that I didn’t have that maternal gene. It wouldn’t be fair to him or her; I wouldn’t wish my mother on my own worst enemy.
Maybe some women were not made to procreate, and I was one them…
Could Sebastian be satisfied with it just being him and me forever?
I knew in the back of my mind that he wouldn’t.
And for the first time since he came back into my life…
I contemplated it not working out between us.