It was late by the time I made my way upstairs. I was exhausted from looking at numbers and getting everything ready for the chaos of the tourist season. I tried not to think about the shit show that awaited me when I walked in. The place was quiet other than the dim lighting that came from the TV in our bedroom. There was a plate of food on the dining table with a paper towel placed over it. I picked at the plantains and some of the vegetables and then threw the rest out. I didn’t have much of an appetite. I hated fighting with Sebastian and I knew that was the cause of not wanting to eat.
I contemplated what he would say to me when I walked into the bedroom, and part of me wanted to sleep on the couch or in the guest bedroom just to avoid it. I figured that would only be adding fuel to the already lit fire and piss him off more.
I understood where he was coming from, however, that’s how I had done things since the beginning. He couldn’t come into my life, expecting me to change everything about how I ran things. That’s not fair. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, it was a stupid argument and I should have just kept my mouth shut. I definitely didn’t expect him to react like he had; I mean, he had done molly with me. People are allowed to make their own choices in life and I’m not responsible for that. He was blowing it way out of proportion.
I rubbed at my temples from the migraine that was lurking. I took a deep breath and made my way into the bedroom. He was lying with his arm behind his head, watching TV; the sheet was low on his waist and his toned core was showing with his muscular arms on display. I wondered if he had done that on purpose and tried to hide my smile.
“Care to share what you’re thinking, Ysa?”
I frowned. “Not thinking anything, just admiring the view,” I teased to no avail. “Oh, come on, Sebastian, this is such a stupid argument. Why don’t you trust me? I know what I’m doing.”
He lowered the volume on the TV and sat up. “This has nothing to do with not trusting you.”
“Then what is it?” I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
I could sense that this was much deeper than what I originally thought.
“It’s not the drugs, Ysa. It’s your demeanor about it.”
“I’m not following.”
He sighed. “I understand that you know what you’re doing. Trust me…I know more than anyone that you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to. What I don’t like is your blatant disregard for doing something dangerous or something that could possibly get you into trouble. You don’t fear anything and that’s what scares me.”
My eyes widened and my mouth dropped. I didn’t expect him to say that to me. I had no idea how to even respond to that.
“You’re one hell of a woman and sometimes I worry that you don’t know right from wrong.”
“Jesus, Sebastian,” I gasped and reacted. “You want to talk about right from wrong? Right is not cheating on your fucking wife, right is not fucking me and going home to her, right is not stringing me along, right is not having me as your whore, right is not breaking my fucking heart and making me crawl to pick up the pieces.”
I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. He didn’t move, his face remained neutral with no emotion at all and I started to wonder if he had heard what I so viciously spewed. I didn’t know where it came from, it just came out.
“You’re right,” he murmured. “Everything that I did was wrong and I take full responsibility for that. I’ve told you time and time again that I fucked up. I hate what I did to you. I hate what I did to us. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
I bowed my head. “I’m sorry, I have no idea where that came from.”
How did we go from one thing to another?
He scooted forward and grabbed my chin to make me look at him. “I think the closer we get, Ysa, the more things are going to come to light. I’m not upset with what you shared. I’m actually kinda grateful that you’re opening up to me, even if it’s at my expense.”
“I don’t know what to say to you…I can’t argue the fact that part of what you’re saying is right. I have done some really shitty things. I know that. I can’t sit here and dwell on them any more than I already have. I’ve moved forward with what I know, from what I’ve been taught or from what I’ve seen. I adapt, Sebastian, that’s what makes me a survivor.”
His eyes bared more emotion than I had ever witnessed before. I didn’t understand how women loved talking about their feelings. I hated being weak.
“You’re not alone anymore. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always take care of you.” He paused. “What? Tell me? I can see it in your eyes, they never lie to me. Say what you’re thinking. Please…” he urged.
I swallowed the saliva that pooled in my mouth. “I want so desperately to believe you…you have no idea how much I want to believe every word. My heart believes you. It always has. But my mind…it’s trying.” I shrugged. “I’m sorry, I wish I could give you more than that. I wish I could give you everything.” I placed my hand on his heart. “This. It’s yours…and…”
“I understand,” he interrupted me. “Ysa, I know you think that you have a family in VIP, and I know you see The Madam as a mother,” he said through gritted teeth. “You have no idea how much it physically pains me for you to associate that demon with anything more than filth and scum. She’s a parasite, a waste of space. I will never let her in our lives. Please tell me you know that.”
I nodded. “I do.”
“I would kill her before she ever got her hands on you again.”
“I know.”
“I’m your future now and you’re safe with me. I promise you that. I won’t ever hurt you again. You’re mine and I’m yours.”
“I know.”
And I did.