I didn’t sleep at all that night. I hadn’t been sleeping for days and I was exhausted. My body felt rundown. I had been thinking a lot about Madam. She was the only woman that has ever taken care of me. A mother figure. Where would I have been if I hadn’t met her? Would I have stayed at the bar with Devon?
If I had stayed with VIP, would I still be feeling like I am? I was perfectly fine before Sebastian; I didn’t have a care in the world. I loved what I did. As I lay there with his arms securely wrapped around me, I felt safe. He was home to me. I loved him so much that sometimes it hurt to breathe. I think about him all the time. I wanted to make him happy.
But how can something that started off so wrong become something that is so right? It can’t. It’s already tainted. Did I deserve a happily ever after?
My life had always been a giant puzzle, where I would find different pieces scattered here and there. I thought when I left VIP, I had finally found the last piece. I was complete. Then Sebastian found me and I started to think that the pieces weren’t in the right places so I tried to move them around, desperately wanting them to fit somewhere. Except now, I couldn’t place them together; the angles were all wrong and they weren’t connecting. They’re not staying. I’m once again, incomplete.
I thought I needed control and power and that’s what led me to VIP. I left because I wanted more out of life. Almost three years later, and I’m more lost than I was when I left. I have turned into a person I didn’t recognize anymore. I’m weak, I’m scared, I’m confused.
I thought love was supposed to be easy?
We had spent the next few days relaxing and I watched their interactions like a hawk. The more time I spent with them, the clearer it became. It was Saturday and they left the next morning. I had my chef prepare a five-course meal and I reserved one of the best tables at Chances for us.
“Ysabelle! This is amazing. The food, oh my God, I have definitely gained five pounds off this meal. So worth it!” Julia praised.
“Thank you.”
We spent the rest of the night drinking, dancing and trying to have them enjoy their last night on the island. Christian went upstairs to our old place because it was getting late and he was tired. We hung out for a few more hours and it was starting to get late so Julia went to go get Christian and Sebastian went with her to let her in. I stayed with Anthony.
“Thanks for your hospitality while we’ve been here, Ysabelle, it was really nice of you.”
I smiled. “It’s not a problem.”
“Do you still talk to Madam?” he asked, catching me completely off guard.
I arched an eyebrow. “You do recognize me,” I stated.
“I do. Julia also told me about your history.”
“Oh. Umm…to answer your question, I do. Sometimes.”
“I remember you being a lot different.”
“What do you mean?”
“No offense, but you seemed more alive back then. I’m not saying you don’t look happy because you do. I mean, it’s obvious you guys are crazy about each other.”
“We are.”
“I assume it would be hard to live a normal life after what you’ve already experienced.”
“Yeah…I guess…maybe.” I smiled. “I’m going to go check on them.”
He nodded.
I walked up the stairs, trying not to think about our conversation. The door was slightly ajar and I peeked in. They were sitting on the couch, both their backs to me. Christian’s head was on Julia’s lap and she was playing with his hair.
“I really like Anthony,” he said. “He seems like a nice guy.”
“He is.” She hesitated. “I’m in love with him.”
“That’s awesome.”
“I think he’s going to ask me to marry him, Sebastian.”
“Wow. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you.”
“I know. I can’t wait. I want to marry him and have more kids. I’m not getting any younger and I would like to have at least two more.”
He nodded.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
My heart was beating out of my chest.
“I can’t help but think about Ysabelle. I mean, here you are talking about getting married and having more kids and I am dying for the same thing.”
“Oh my God! That’s amazing. Why would that make you sad?”
“I asked Ysabelle to marry me on New Years Eve.”
“What? You’re engaged?”
“No. Christian caught us and it was pure chaos. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”
“Not at all. He told me he had a great time.”
“That’s good.”
“So what happened?”
“Well…I asked her to marry me and for a second, I thought she was going to say yes, but then Christian interrupted; it was a disaster, I had to chase after him.”
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. I found her after and she was packing to leave. She had a complete meltdown and to be honest, things haven’t been the same since. I don’t think she’s ever going to want to get married and have kids.”
“You don’t know that, maybe she needs more time.”
My heart was breaking to hear his admission.
“Julia, the more I learn about her…” He shook his head. “She’s so broken and I want to put her back together, but I don’t think I will ever be able to. I can’t help her when she doesn’t even know what she needs.”
“But you’re what she wants, Sebby. That’s huge.”
“I know. I’ll take her any way I can.”
“But…”
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this.” He took a deep breath and I swear I was holding mine.
“I’ve lived my life for everyone else, Julia, you know that. Ysabelle was the first selfish thing I ever did. I love her. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her. I know she’s my soul mate.”
I smiled at his words.
“But I would be lying if part of me isn’t terrified that she won’t ever want to get married and have a family, that I will be sacrificing myself for someone else again and that I will resent her.”
My hand immediately went to my chest and I swear on everything that is holy, I couldn’t fucking breathe. The air from my lungs had literally been sucked out of me and my heart was shattering, breaking with shards of glass that were etching their way out of my skin and leaving scars in their wake. Wounds that would never be able to heal. The blood drained from my face and tears came pouring down. I needed to get the fuck out of there. I went into the bathroom and composed myself as best as I could. I told Anthony that I had an awful headache and needed to leave. I got back to the house and stood in the foyer, looking at everything around me. The life I was building, the future, my happiness. The house of cards came tumbling down and I fell to the ground with it, bawling my eyes out with the truth that I tried to ignore.
It finally slapped me in the face.
I just never thought it would be by Sebastian’s hand.