“Come here,” I groaned, grabbing her around the waist and placing her in front of my body. We were lying sideways in bed and I wrapped my entire body around her. I loved feeling her petite frame under me.
“You’ve been so quiet these last few days. What’s up?” I asked, nuzzling the back of her neck.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” she argued, kissing my arms around her shoulders.
“I find it interesting that you still don’t think I know when you’re bullshitting me.”
“And I think it’s hilarious that you still call me out on it when you know I don’t want to talk about it.”
“What if I turn off the lights? Hmmm…we’ll lay here and just see what happens. Want to try that?”
She shrugged and I took it as a yes. I turned everything off and saw her faint shadow as I wrapped myself around her again. We laid there in comfortable silence and after a while, I thought she had fallen asleep and I closed my eyes.
“Sebastian,” she whispered.
“Mmmm…”
“Are you sleeping?”
“No.”
“Are you tired?”
“No.”
“Tell me the best memory you have.”
I smiled, opening my eyes. “I have a lot of great memories.”
“Give me the best memory you have from childhood.”
“Why?”
“Just tell me.”
“Okay,” I sighed. “When I was…I want to say nine, I think, my dad was always working and never went to any of my baseball games, my mom was always there, though. All the players on the team had their dads at every game and I said something to my mom about it. Later that night, I heard shouting coming from their bedroom. It was the first time I ever heard them fighting. At the next game, I remember looking up in the stands to wave to my mom, like I did every game, and my dad was there. Sitting right by my mom with the biggest smile on his face. After that, he was there for every game, never missed one again.”
“That’s an awesome memory,” she murmured.
“Yeah…I learned that day that men will do anything when they love someone, and behind every great man, there’s a strong woman.”
She took a deep breath. “I don’t have a best memory from childhood. At least I don’t remember any…I used to pretend that I had this perfect family somewhere in the world and that they were looking for me. That my mom had stolen me from someone and that one day, they were going to find me and take me away from her.”
“Ysa…” I coaxed.
She restlessly chuckled. “You have a really nice family. You, Julia, and Christian were everything I wanted as a kid. Christian’s really lucky. Julia is an amazing mom. You can tell that she was born to be one.”
I didn’t know what to say. I knew she was physically there with me but emotionally and mentally she was somewhere else entirely.
“My Mom used to have sex all around the house. I learned what sex was when I was…fuck…six maybe. I can’t tell you how many times I accidentally caught her fucking some random and she never stopped. They just kept going. She gave me a doll once and I loved it so much. It was the only thing she ever gave me.” She paused, her voice started breaking.
I held her tighter and kissed her shoulder repetitively. As much as I hated hearing about her childhood and her piece of shit mother, I wanted her to tell me everything. It’s not healthy for anyone to hold that all in and I knew that she was telling me something she had never told a soul.
She cleared her throat and sniffled. “I had done something at school, I don’t even remember what it was, but she was pissed when I got home. She took my doll and burned her right in front of me. She said it was my punishment for being a bad girl.” She shook her head, trying to push away the image I was sure. “It was the only toy I ever had. I fucking hated her after that. How do you hate your mom when you’re seven years old?”
“Ysa, she was never a mom. Not one day,” I reassured her, hoping she believed me.
“She’s the woman that gave me life. I wouldn’t be lying here with you without her. I think that makes her pretty important.”
“That’s the easy part. She didn’t raise you.”
“Yeah…” she pondered. “What’s your worst memory from childhood?”
Fuck.
“Ysa, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“You don’t have to. You just answered it. It’s when Olivia died, isn’t it?”
I nodded.
She looked like she was contemplating what to say next.
“Mine was being raped,” she blurted, like she was telling me about the weather. “For the longest time, I thought about what I could have done differently. I didn’t do anything…I laid there and let him do whatever he wanted to. I didn’t make a sound, I didn’t move, nothing. I made it easy for him,” she choked. “It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about…but maybe the reason I didn’t react was because subconsciously I liked it? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Sebastian. I grew up to be a whore, too. I did it with class, so to speak, but it doesn’t change the fact that I grew up to be like her. Like mother like daughter.”
I immediately pulled away and she fell to her back. I hovered above her and by the look on her face, I might have scared her.
“Listen to me, I will only say this once. You are NOTHING like her. Don’t you ever compare yourself to that vile excuse for a human being again. Fucking animals are better mothers to their offspring than she was to you. She took away your innocence and made you believe it was your fault, Ysa, that’s fucking sick. I would kill her if I knew it would take away all these thoughts that you think are so true.”
Her eyes widened.
“She’s a waste of air. A piece of garbage has more sustenance than she does. You know how to love, Ysa. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word. You would never be anything like that to our children. It doesn’t matter that she gave you life–that’s all she fucking did for you. And it was for pure selfishness. You’re a good person in your heart, mind, body, and soul; I know that.”
I caressed her cheek. “Baby, you gotta believe that. Please tell me you know that?”
Her eyes veered for one split second, but I saw it.
“I do.”
And she boldfaced lied to me.