Kara
An unexpected phone call from Zoey is still buzzing round my mind. She’d called under the guise of wanting to catch up, as we haven’t spent much time together, what with her moving in with Brock. But the real reason she called was to drop a bombshell or two. The first of which, she’s discovered she’s expecting a baby. When we thought she was just a bit rundown and poorly, she’d actually been experiencing some of the first symptoms of pregnancy. I still can’t quite believe it. My best friend is going to be a mom. When we were growing up, she regularly told me that she didn’t want to grow up and get married, let alone have children. So, when she had got engaged to Reid, that had come as quite a shock. When they split up, I couldn’t quite fathom what was going on, but she told me this morning that it was actually all at the hands of her parents. I’d known they had pushed for the wedding, but I didn’t know Zoey wasn’t actually in love with Reid towards the end of their relationship. The split had come as a shock to me, but she told me the main reason she was going ahead with the wedding was because the two sets of parents had put so much money into the wedding and she and Reid hadn’t wanted to let them down. She said they had talked and both agreed that it was for the best to call the wedding off. I had believed that Reid had left her and that it had made her rebound with just about any guy going—I’ll never forget the sex noises I had tried to drown out with my earphones—but it turns out that wasn’t the case. Then she’d hit me with another bombshell regarding Reid.
“He’s in love with you,” she states, as though it’s fact and not just opinion.
“Don’t be silly,” I reply and try to laugh it off.
“I always saw the way he looked at you, Kara. There were furtive glances when he thought nobody was looking.”
I can’t help the laughter that bubbles up from my throat. Part of it is disbelief and part of it is nerves. I had always wanted Reid to look at me in that way, but he never did.
“Where do you get your information, Zo?” I ask as I close my eyes and picture Reid.
“Trust me, I just know these things.”
“You haven’t even talked to him since you split.”
There was a pregnant pause before she spoke again.
“That’s where you’re wrong. We’ve talked and cleared the air. Don’t try to change track with me, it won’t work. He’s got feelings for you and I know you feel the same way about him.”
Do I? I’m dating Sawyer but have recently been questioning whether it is actually love I feel for him.
“What makes you think that?” I ask, intrigued to know what could make her so steadfast in her belief.
“Babe, I’m your best friend. Okay, I haven’t been around a lot due to this move, but that doesn’t make what I know any less true. You used to sneak glances at him just the same as he did with you.”
I don’t know what to say to that. Do I confirm her suspicions or deny it to her the way I do to myself?
“Looks don’t make for feelings, Zo.”
I chicken out of telling her how I really felt back then. How on earth do you confess to your best friend that you were and maybe are still in love with her ex-fiancé?
“Look, I know what I know, and it’s about time you both did something about it. I want Reid to be happy, and he won’t be unless he’s with you. And I want my best friend to be as happy as I am, but she would rather deny her feelings than ’fess up and get herself together. I suggest you take a deeper look at how you feel, Kara. I think deep down, you know I’m right. When you realise that, do something about it. Don’t deny yourself a chance at happiness.”
“Zo, he’s your ex, for Christ’s sake,” I exclaim as I try to calm my racing heart. Her words hit the mark and she knows it.
“So? I’m happy with Brock now. We’re getting married, we live together, and we’re expecting a baby. If that doesn’t put things into perspective for me, I don’t know what does. The fact is, Kara, I’m happy, truly happy. Reid and I weren’t meant to be, and I truly believe that’s because my heart was waiting for a man like Brock to come along and sweep me off my feet.”
I swallow a hard lump and try to form a response.
“I…I don’t know, Zo. Things are complicated. I’m with Sawyer now, remember.”
“But you don’t really love him. I may not be the most perceptive person at times, but I can see that you don’t have that light in your eyes around Sawyer the way you used to with Reid. Just think about it, okay? I want you to ask yourself if your head and heart are on the same page here.”
I try to shake the conversation from my mind, but I can’t deny there is truth to Zoey’s words. My head and my heart aren’t in agreement, that’s why I’m finding it so hard. Realising this makes what I must do hard, but Zoey was right about what my heart wants. How do I break it to Sawyer? He told me he loves me and I didn’t know how to reply. That should have been enough to make things clear to me, but I don’t like the idea of breaking his heart. If anything, his confession had muddied the waters even more, but it is Zoey’s words that strike clarity in my mind. I am in love with Reid Marks. I have been since the day I met him.
***
My heart is in the pit of my stomach as I sit waiting for Sawyer to arrive. I feel hollow. I’ve never liked hurting anyone, especially someone as wonderful as he is. Sawyer really is a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to be with him. Part of me wishes I could return his feelings. I wish I could be happy with him. But as the conversation with Zoey plays on a loop in my mind, I accept that she is right. That means I have to be cruel to be kind. I should set Sawyer free to be with someone who deserves him, someone who can make him as happy as he will make them.
Seeing his car pull up outside the house, I stand to open the front door. I’m greeted by a warm smile and that makes my heart drop further. Here he is, happy to see me, unaware that I am going to break his heart.
***
“But Kara, if you don’t love me right now, maybe you’ll come to in time,” Sawyer pleads, his voice dripping with pain.
This conversation hasn’t gone the way I wanted it to at all. I don’t know what I expected, but it’s been going on this way for more than an hour.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer, I truly am.”
I look him straight in the eye—the very least he deserves—as I try to make him see that we aren’t going to work.
“Is there someone else?”
I feel like I’ve been sucker punched, probably deservedly so. I should have expected him to ask and I should have prepared an answer. I don’t want to hurt him with the truth, but I don’t want to placate him with a lie.
“I’m not seeing anyone else, Sawyer.”
What a coward’s way of answering. I didn’t lie, but I didn’t tell the truth either.
“That isn’t what I asked. Is there someone else? You don’t have to be seeing them, maybe it’s just someone you feel something for and that’s why you can’t commit to me.”
His voice breaks and I feel like the worst person in the world for what I am about to say. The pain that I will inflict in the next few seconds makes me feel like shit.
“Yes,” I admit on a long sigh.
Sawyer reels back like he’s been kicked in the stomach. His eyes are full of shock. Whilst he had been the one to ask the question, I don’t think he really wanted an answer.
“Then I’ll go. Just know this, Kara, I fell in love with you. All along you were just toying with me, keeping me around as a fall-back guy because you couldn’t have the one you wanted. That shit isn’t fair, Kara. I hope you’re happy now that you’ve broken my heart and tainted my trust in women. Why, why did you have to play games with me?”
I try to calm my racing heart. I had expected anger, I deserve it too. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt like hell.
“I didn’t play games with you, Sawyer, I swear…”
He cuts in before I can try to placate him any further.
“Forget it, Kara. I changed my mind, I don’t want to know.”
Sawyer turns and walks to my front door. Each step he takes makes me aware of how much I have broken him. I seriously never meant to string him along. I thought we had something good. But my heart had other ideas.
“Sawyer please…” my pleas fall on deaf ears.
“Have a nice life, Kara.”
The slamming of my front door as he walks out makes me crumple in a heap on the floor. I curl in on myself and cry. I cry for the broken man that I just created. I cry for the loss of someone who was truly a good man with a huge heart. I cry because I feel like a total bitch. I cry in hatred of myself.
I pull my phone from my pocket and I scroll through my contacts until I land on his number. He’ll help me through this. He’ll say the right words, he always does. I press to call him and wait as the phone rings.
***
“Oh Kara, honey, you’re a wonderful person. What you did took courage. It doesn’t make you a bad person for not wanting to be with someone.”
I knew asking Liam round had been the right idea. His soothing voice helps my frayed nerves.
“But I broke his heart. I feel like a total bitch.”
He listens to me as I go on and on about what a bad person I am. I let the tears fall unbidden down my cheeks. Liam holds me close and strokes my hair, he rocks us gently as though he were calming an upset child. I pour my heart out to him and all he does is listen. He knows I have to get it all off my chest. I tell him I feel like a terrible person for stringing poor Sawyer along and he says something that makes me reassess my situation a little;
“Happiness is but a series of fleeting moments. You have to take each one and hold it close, cherish it for however long it lasts. Sometimes we meet people that are only meant to be in our lives for a brief period. We experience what we feel could be love with some of them, but in the end, they are only meant to be there until we need to move on. It can be hard to accept that the relationship is over, even if we were the one to end it. Some relationships were built to last, others were not. When we move on, so do they, and believe it or not, that’s actually for the best. You can’t help that your heart belongs to another, and whether that person feels the same way about you isn’t a reason to hold onto a relationship with someone else. You did the right thing. In time, Sawyer will come to accept that.”
I feel safe in Liam’s arms as he comforts me. What he said makes sense. Sawyer and I were meant to be together but not in a forever kind of way. My heart yearns for Reid, and whether he feels that way for me or not doesn’t give me a right to hold onto Sawyer—in Sawyer’s own words ‘as the fall-back guy’—just in case my feelings aren’t reciprocated.
Liam stayed with me for hours, but then he had to go back to Jason. They had a date night planned and I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t go. So, I pushed him out the door and told him I’d be fine…eventually.
Standing in the shower, I close my eyes and allow the scalding hot water to wash away the remains of my tears. When my body feels too tired to stand any longer, I turn the water off and wrap myself in a towel. I head to my room and slip into my pyjamas. I can’t be bothered to dry my hair, it would take too long and all I want is to slip under the covers and sleep until this pain doesn’t feel as raw.