It had been two weeks since I’d slept with Alex. Two weeks of uncertainty over what my future held, if anything at all. I’d been back and forth with my emotions – how I would cope if I was pregnant with Alex’s child – but I never allowed myself to dwell on that thought for too long. I was back in the tunnel I’d been in after Elizabeth passed. Classes went by in a blur, people spoke to me and I smiled accordingly, but I didn’t really hear anything anyone was saying. Only Sammy could get through to me. Her phone calls and texts always seemed to come at the exact moment I needed them. When the panic was slowly setting in and my chest became tight, I’d look down at my phone to see some bad joke, funny picture or just a simple: ‘I love you :)’ with her name across the top of it.

Each day, however, she was starting to lose a little more patience with me. I was finding excuses not to take the test, and after hours and hours of over-analysing every single thought I had, I began to realise what I was struggling with. The finality of it all was too much.

I was clinging on to hope, wanting Alex in my life in some capacity, even if it was under less than perfect circumstances. I was becoming one of those women I despised. The ones who wondered if a child could, in fact, bring two people closer together.

I was lame and pitiful.

Desperate.

It was that single, fleeting thought that was searing holes in every crease of my brain as I finally made my way to our family bathroom with a pregnancy test in my hand. I was alone. I wasn’t sure if I could handle anyone around to see my face the moment my fate was determined by either one line or two. If I had failed to believe my own lies of being okay, how could I ever expect anyone else to believe them?

I didn't look at the stick while I waited three minutes for it to change colour. I was numb, standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring back into my own ghostly, glazed eyes.

I wanted my sister.

That’s all I wanted. Just one hour of her time, a few words of reassurance and for her to pass on some of that strength she had in abundance. If she always knew my future, as my mum had claimed, I needed her to tell me that everything would be okay. I didn’t feel so strong compared to her. I was the weaker of the siblings. She was the fort, the guard, the whole goddamn army. I was the pitiful princess pining in the tower. Was that to be my fairy tale? Was Sammy just being incredibly optimistic to think I could be anything more than what I already was?

There wasn’t much time left to think about it. My phone chimed as my three-minute countdown came to an end. A shiver of dread ran down my spine as I turned and stared at the pregnancy test sat on top of the toilet. For something so small, it seemed terrifying. I was terrified.

As though an invisible force was pressing its hand into the small of my back, I moved slowly towards it, dragging out each step as the fear created a lump high in my throat that felt like it was choking me. The closer I got, the harder my heart fought to break free from my chest, until there was nowhere else for me to go and I was finally staring at the result.

My fate was right in front of me.

My future.

My answer.

The sharp intake of breath got caught in my throat, one hand flying to my stomach, the other pressing hard against my chest, as my entire body broke out in goosebumps.

“Is he here?” I asked Sammy as I looked around nervously. That night apparently felt warm to everyone else, but I was cold, unable to shake the bumps on my flesh away, and I was panicking.

“Nat, you look like you’re part of a gang. What’s with the hood up?”

“I didn’t want him to see me straight away and get spooked. I need to get this over with. Where is he?”

Sammy reached out to rub the tops of my arms while my legs jiggled frantically on the spot. “He’s somewhere. I’ve already seen him.”

“I can’t believe he’s out tonight. I don’t understand. It’s like he knew...”

“That’s why I called you and told you to get down here fast. You might not get another chance like this. Who knows how long it’ll be before he goes into hiding again?”

I bounced on my toes even harder. “Thank you.”

“But you need to stay calm.”

“I am calm.”

“You’re shaking.”

“That’s the cold.”

“Keep telling yourself that crap and you'll start believing it.”

I blew all the air out of my cheeks and folded my arms across my chest before I plucked up enough courage to look into her eyes. She was one of those friends I just couldn’t lie to. No amount of talk would ever convince her that I was going to be okay. It was as though she had a way of peering into my soul and seeing into the darkest corners to collect all my innermost thoughts. Some days I was grateful for that skill of hers. Today wasn’t one of them.

“I’ll be okay once I’ve spoken to him. I just need to get it out there and let him know.”

“Then what?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly. “I have no plans after that. What he thinks or what he wants to do about it is entirely up to him.”

Her pause made me even more nervous, so I did the only thing I could do to fill the void, and I began to look around the park where Alex and I had once laid on our backs and had one of the most intimate moments of our time together. It hurt to remember, but only because I wished more than anything that we could be that way again.

“I’m worried about you,” Sammy whispered.

“I know.” I smiled softly, turning back to her. “But I got this, Sam. I promise you. I know what I have to do and I’m not as weak as I look.”

“Oh, how you misinterpret the way I see you.”

I was just about to ask her what she meant when the sound of Paul Harris’ voice filled the air once again. It seemed he was the Hugh Hefner of our local village. Wherever he went, a hoard of women followed, but it was always my friend Suzie who was hanging from his arm with a huge grin creeping into her cheeks.

I closed my eyes as soon as I heard the crowd drawing closer. I had no idea what to expect, except the unexpected. There were a million and one questions flying around in my head. Why was he out tonight? Why was he avoiding me? Why hadn’t he responded to the email I’d sent him, asking him if we could talk? But none of that mattered now, and as the butterflies in my stomach began to wrestle over one another once more, I closed my eyes and curled my arms around my body again, pulling myself in tighter as I tried to gather some strength.

“He’s here,” Sammy mumbled so only I could hear.

My exhale was painful as I steeled myself and straightened up. With the hood of my jumper covering my hair, I doubted he would know it was me until it was too late.

I wanted to wait until I could pick out his voice, but I should have known better. Alex wasn’t much of a talker in the crowd. That was left to his other friends and, more obviously tonight, the women that followed them all.

“Where did you run off to?” Paul shouted at Sammy while I kept my back on all of them. “We’ve been waiting ages. There’s a pint over the road with my name on it.”

“Just had to pick up a friend,” she answered proudly, her hands reaching up to my body as she began to guide me around to face them all.

I moved slowly. Almost too slowly. It made me look guilty without reason. Lifting my head, I sucked in a breath and glanced around the group of people in front of me. It didn’t take me long at all to pick him out from the crowd, even though he was right at the back. The magnetism I’d always felt towards him was still there, now more than ever.

The sight of him sent a pang to my chest. I recognised that feeling now. It was desire. It was need. It was love, too.

“Nat!” Suzie cried, releasing herself from Paul before she bounced closer and threw her arms around my neck.

“Hi.” I laughed with a grunt. “Thought I’d crash the party.”

“‘Bout fucking time,” she muttered through a giggle before she released me. “You coming to the pub with us?”

“I don’t think so.”

Pressing my lips together in a flat line, I waited for the rest of the group to draw closer. Once they were all standing in front of me, I tried to take a step back but was immediately held in place by Sammy. The single look she flashed me was my warning.

Hold your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Now is your time.

Lifting my head, I puffed out my chest and tried to appear confident.

“Actually, I came here to talk to Alex.” The muttering of the crowd wasn’t subtle at all and the tension just grew thicker and thicker until I had no choice but to glance Alex’s way and smile gently at him. “It won’t take a minute.”

The boy who was staring back at me wasn’t the boy I’d come to know for all these months, and from just one look alone, I was starting to wonder if I was doing the right thing by being there. Opening my mouth to speak and add something else, I was quickly forced to close it again when he turned his attention away from me and leaned in towards a girl by his side. A girl I recognised from school as Bronwyn Chamberlin.

I didn’t mean to look so startled, but as I watched them whispering to each other – her frowning and muttering in his ear while he obviously tried to soothe her worries – I was certain someone had just stuck a knife into my stomach and was currently twisting it around.

My eyes flickered to Paul, who was looking at me apologetically.

What the hell was happening?

Moving quickly, Paul picked me up in his arms out of nowhere and spun me around. His face was bright as he grinned up at me and spoke loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Definitely getting sexier, hot stuff.”

“For fucks sake, Harris. Leave the girl alone,” Suzie chimed playfully.

Leaning in close as he put me back on my own two feet again, he dropped his eyes to mine and whispered, “Keep smiling. It pisses the other girls off. Especially Bronwyn fucking Chamberlin.” With a departing wink, he kissed me on the forehead and bounced back to the main woman in his life. “All finished, baby. Let's leave these kids in peace.” Throwing his arm around her shoulder, he signalled to the others behind him to keep on moving and before long, everyone else was walking away until it was just Alex and me, alone… with an ocean of space between us.

Glancing up at him, I took him in for as long as I could. Black jeans, black t-shirt and that brown leather jacket of his that I loved so much only made him look more perfect than my memory served to remember him.

“I prefer you when you’re smiling,” I admitted quietly before taking a few steps closer.

Alex didn’t speak. His eyes were trained on me like I was about to attack him. I could almost imagine the way his fingers were curling into fists inside the pockets of his jeans.

When I finally got close enough, I had to force myself to keep staring into his eyes.

“Hey, Alex.”

“Natalie,” he mumbled.

“So you’re back on the social scene, I take it?”

“Not really.”

“You’re out, aren’t you?”

“It seemed like a good idea earlier.”

“And now?”

“That depends on why you’re here.” He breathed out heavily like he had just deposited a chunk of his world on the floor, but he still had eight more planets of tension to rid himself of.

“Am I really so bad?” I dared myself to ask, pulling my brows together carefully.

“It just isn’t a good idea–”

“Save it.” I sighed a little too harshly. “I think I got that part the last few times you warned me off.” Looking down at my feet, I swallowed all my fears and found an ounce of determination, or maybe it was just pride, from somewhere deep inside.

“You look…” he whispered as he tilted his head to one side, and for just a small moment, I thought I saw a hint of my old Alex there. I thought I saw the concern, the warmth, the boy who’d cast me under his spell and was refusing to let me go. But in the blink of an eye, it disappeared, and he’d corrected himself once more. “Nervous.”

“I am nervous,” I admitted.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. I don’t know how to be. And I don’t know if I want to see the look of relief on your face when I tell you that I’m not pregnant and you have nothing to worry about anymore.”

Neither of us said anything for what felt like such a long time.

I was frozen in place at having said the words out loud.

He was still like a statue, unmoving in his analysis of me as his eyes scanned my body from head to foot and back again. His gaze lingered on my stomach before his eyes returned back to mine.

Say something, I wanted to beg him. Even if I don’t like what you have to say, say something. Anything.

“Thanks for letting me know,” he eventually muttered as he readjusted the weight on his feet and cleared his throat. It was his turn to look down now. Gone was the steely coolness of a guy that may as well have been a stranger. Here was the boy who looked as awkward as I felt.

“Thanks for letting me know?” I repeated quietly.

“Yes.”

“That’s it?”

He nodded, bringing his hand up to rub the back of his head. “I mean…” Clearing his throat once again, Alex gave up before he’d even truly begun to answer. His arms fell listlessly by his sides before he looked up at me with defeated eyes and shrugged. “I don’t know what else you want me to say, Nat.”

“How about ‘Thank God you’re okay,’ or maybe a ‘Gee, Nat, I appreciate how hard these last couple of weeks must have been for you,’ or, I dunno, how about some honesty? ‘Big fucking relief, huh? Now I don’t have to spend the next eighteen years of my life around you.’ Anything that doesn’t make you sound like a robot that hates me would be a start.”

“I don’t hate you.”

I scoffed in disbelief, feeling a small surge of anger rise up in me from somewhere unrecognisable. “You know, Alex. I don’t know how we got here, or what I did that was so wrong, but let me just cut through the barrier of awkward bullshit that’s somehow wedged its way between us. I’m not pregnant like you were worried I might be. I’m not going to put any of my troubles on your shoulders anymore. I’m no longer going to be running around to your house to try and get some arsehole out of your face when I think you’re in danger. That’s it. It’s all over. You can go. Go be with Bronwyn fucking Chamberlin if that's what you want. You’re free to live your life without me. It’s that simple. The only reason I’m telling you the news in person is because it seemed like the grown-up thing to do. I guess I was wrong, but what’s new these days?” I turned to walk away but was quickly caught in his grip as he clung to the top of my arm and spun me back around.

“It’s not that simple,” he growled through gritted teeth. My spine stiffened and my back arched as I instinctively tried to lean away from him.

“Alex...”

“You think you know it all, don't you?”

“Get off me,” I snapped.

“No. You wanted a reaction? Well you’ve fucking got one.”

“Let me go!”

“Shut up and listen.”

I froze instantly. My eyes were wide, filled with the unknown view of Alex Law as he glowered down on me. The hood on my jumper fell back, exposing my hair to him, and I watched as his focus shifted to it briefly before he stared back at me.

“I’m trying really fucking hard to stay calm here, Natalie. You have no idea. You’ve no idea how hard these last two weeks have been for me. You don’t think I know that it’s you who has had the real worry? I know I put that on you, but you have no idea what I want. And don’t you dare throw your preachy shit around about your actions being the grown up thing to do, because, believe me, you have no idea what being a grown up means.” Alex hissed in a breath, one that seemed to cause him pain as he flexed the muscles in his jaw and pulled me even closer. “Being a grown up means sacrificing what you want for the benefit of someone else. Being a grown up means putting your own shit aside because your shit isn’t the only thing that matters anymore. Other people matter. Other futures. Other lives. This isn’t even about me. Truth is, yeah, I’m fucking grateful you let me know in person. I’m grateful you found the courage to do and say what you’ve just done. You’ve always been so much braver than you know. I’m sorry that I had to let you do it alone and I apologise for making you hate me, but–”

“I don’t hate you,” I interrupted quickly.

He carried on, ignoring me completely. “But don’t presume to know how I feel or what I think. My actions don’t always match up with my thoughts.” And with that, he let me go swiftly, and I stumbled backwards, my breaths ragged.

We both stood still, glaring at one another in disbelief as our chests bounced up and down heavily. I had no idea what had just happened, but I knew I’d just seen a side of Alex Law that was more in line with his father than the other versions of him I thought I knew so well.

“What has happened to you, Alex?” I whispered.

“The same thing that ruins us all eventually.”

“And what’s that?”

“Grief.”

I frowned hard, unable to believe that one single word that had just fallen from his lips. Grief. The thing that I’d been drowning in before he’d come to save me was now the very thing he was claiming to have turned him into someone unrecognisable.

“Grief over who?”

“If you don’t know that already...” He stared at me with an emotion I had no name for. He looked lost, but determined. Angry but scared. Hard but fragile. And when he finally parted his lips and said his final words before he walked away from me, I knew they’d stay in my mind for the rest of my life. “Take care of yourself from now on, Natalie. You’ll do a better job than I ever did.”

Before I could find a way to move and follow him, he’d vanished completely and I was left alone in an empty park where we once lay together, talking about fantasies and all of our favourite things.