Anger. That was what had taken over. The feeling was electrifying as I pulled down the sleeves of my hoodie and curled my hands inside them. I was trying to calm down. I was trying to control that claustrophobic tightening of my chest. This felt like rage, even though I wasn’t certain how that was meant to actually feel. Sure, I’d been angry before in my life. I’d thrown the odd tantrum here and there as a child. I’d sulked when I’d been told I wasn’t allowed to go wherever Elizabeth had gone on her nights out clubbing with her friends. I’d even felt angry for a while after her death. But this…

This was something new entirely.

It was anger mixed with a loss of control. No matter how many times I tried to replay the conversation over and over in my head, I couldn’t make sense of it.

“You’ll do a better job than I ever did.”

Was that all I ever was to him? A child he had to babysit?

Had it all been an illusion all along? No was my immediate answer. No, it hadn’t. I knew that he’d felt for me what I felt for him. Even if it had only been during that night in the summerhouse, I still knew. But it was hard to remain so certain when everything I loved was walking away in the other direction, after cutting me out of his life completely.

Then there was the other question that was burning scars into my brain. Where had Bronwyn Chamberlin come from? Why was she out with him when I’d never even seen the two of them talking in the school corridors before now? That was the one thing that didn’t make sense to me, and as I began to march forward with a heavy step, my annoyance etched on every inch of my face, the frustration, and the injustice of it all only seemed to grow. It was choking me, making me blind to everything – even to Sammy who was shouting my name from somewhere behind me, over and over again.

“Nat, wait, please!” she pleaded a final time before her wheezing breath became a permanent feature beside me. She attempted to pull my body around to face her, but I was having none of it. I was too busy going nowhere in particular. “Natalie.” She gasped. “Talk to me. Tell me what just happened.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I ground out. “Go back to the gang, Sam. I’m good.”

“You’re no more good than Alex is. What the hell is happening to you two?”

“Alex is an arsehole.”

“Since when?” she pushed out, her breaths coming fast and heavy after her obvious mad dash to catch me.

“Since about ten minutes ago. Maybe he has been all along. Who knows?” I stopped dead in my tracks, pausing as my scrutiny of the ground got more intense and my thoughts continued to leap over one another in complete confusion.

“You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I?” I snapped, looking up into her eyes and raising my brows. “What if I didn’t know him at all? That Alex I just spoke to back there wasn’t the Alex I’ve known all these months. Trust me. He couldn’t be further from the guy I…”

“Handed your cherry over to?”

“I want that cherry back!” I demanded, quickly glancing over my shoulder to shoot daggers at the virginity-thief who wasn’t even there anymore, before I focused on Sammy again. “If I could take it back, I would.”

“Of course you would.”

“I hate him.”

“Careful. I’m starting to smell bullshit in the air.”

I wanted to argue with her, but that little pocket of Alex that had invaded my soul began to throb in my fingers and toes, reminding me of the love I did still have for him, no matter how much I pretended to despise the guy.

“Just for one day,” I begged her quietly, “could you please not do the mind reading shit? Or at least keep what you really see to yourself. I need to feel this madness, Sam. I need to feel it flow through me so I can keep walking away, because if I falter for just one second, I’ll end up chasing after him. I can’t do that. He doesn’t want me. I can’t give any more. I’m in danger of looking even more pathetic than I already do.”

Tilting her head to the side, she studied me carefully before choosing her next words. “So what?” she whispered. “Since when have you cared what anyone else thinks or how people perceive you? You’re not that girl, Nat.”

“I don’t know who I am,” I admitted through a sigh, bringing my hands up to scrub at my face before I growled into my palms. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes again, and I was doing my absolute best not to let them fall. Sniffing them back, I dropped my hands like they were made of lead and looked over her shoulder. “I can’t believe what I’m turning into. It isn’t meant to be this hard.”

“Honey,” Sammy sang, “this is exactly what it’s meant to be like. Loving someone is hard.”

“Says who?”

“All the best love songs. All the best books.”

“But, we’re only seven-fucking-teen.”

“And going through all our firsts. You think there’s just some door you walk through at eighteen that suddenly gives you all the answers on how to be an adult and deal with this stuff? Not even close. We are who we are. We’re all winging this growing up shit. The only way we really learn is by going through it all. The happy, the sad, the hurt, the pain.”

“The loss?” I offered in a resigned whisper.

“The loss.”

“I don’t want to lose him.”

“I don’t want you to lose him, either. What exactly did he say to you when you told him you weren’t pregnant?”

“He said ‘thanks for letting me know’ and then I erupted like some raging fishwife.”

“Ooh,” she hissed, scrunching up her face.

“It wasn’t my finest hour, I’ll admit.”

“What did you want him to say?”

“I didn’t want any words from him. I just wanted him to hold me like he used to.”

Admitting that truth left a bitter taste on my tongue. I didn’t want to be bitter. I wanted to think good things whenever I thought about Alex, only my head and heart were currently in a battle where one of them was trying to save common sense, while the other was trying to kill it with a medieval spear.

“I’m sorry,” Sammy offered.

“Don’t be. What’s done is done. He can move on to Bronwyn and I can go back to my life.”

“You think the two of them are together?”

I held my hand up and closed my eyes, sucking in a huge bout of oxygen as I tried to clear my thoughts of that particular mental image altogether. “I can’t even think about that right now.”

We both stood in silence for a while. It was only when I felt her shiver beside me that I turned to face her and began to rub the top of her arm. “You should go back to everyone else.”

“No way. I’m not leaving you. Not like this.”

“Yes, you are. You have to. Your friends are waiting and, honestly, I’m better off by myself tonight. These last few weeks have been so weird. The waiting and not knowing, all the sleepless nights, it’s all finally come to an end.”

“Don’t act like you’re as chipper as a chipmunk right now, missy. I see right through you.”

I huffed out a laugh, releasing her from my hold before I pushed both hands into the pockets of my hoodie. “I know you do. I’m not trying to hide anything at all. I just…”

“Want to be alone?”

My single nod and tired smile said all I needed to say. As much as I loved her, I felt like I had to find a way to get my shit together. All this anxiety and feeling like I was drowning in emotion was something I’d never allowed myself to get stuck in before. Sammy was right. This wasn’t who I was. Alex had opened me up and set me free for the first time in my entire life, but in doing so, he’d made me vulnerable. I wasn’t sure I could be that new version of myself without him by my side to guide me. Which meant only one thing.

It was time to retreat again.

After over ten minutes of reassurances, Sammy reluctantly began to listen to reason and walk away, but not without looking back over her shoulder a million times.

I didn’t hang around, but my journey home began slowly. It was the kind of walking that felt more like I was shuffling as my body curled in on itself and tried to hide its embarrassment.

All I could see was the disgust in his eyes. All I could feel was the throbbing of my arm where he had held me tightly. All I could hear were his nonsensical words on an endless loop.

Frustrated and losing patience, I eventually picked up my pace and began tearing down the streets. It was only when I made a sudden turn that I was stopped in my tracks as I slammed into a tower of muscle I hadn’t expected to be there.

“Shit,” I blurted out as I struggled to stay standing, my body flying backwards as my careless feet fought to find their balance.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” a voice cried out in front of me as a pair of hands gripped hold of my arms and pulled me back up to a stand.

I was just about to bow my head in embarrassment and mutter an apology, but all those plans went to Hell the moment he decided to speak again.

“There you are,” he sang out.

“Marcus?” I squeaked as I tried to pull away and straighten myself up.

“That’s me.”

I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up as I gawped at him, but it never did. “Sorry about that. I, umm…” I pointed to his chest like an idiot as the heat rose to my cheeks.

“Don’t be sorry. You just made my job a whole lot easier. I should be thanking you. I probably would be, too, but the big toe you just stood on is holding me back.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled again as I cringed, blinking rapidly as his words sank in. “And... What do you mean, your job?”

Marcus ran a hand through his dark curls and smirked. “Oops. Loose lips sink ships.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I was meant to be meeting the kid sister for a beer, only I got a text about ten minutes ago asking me to take a different route to the pub. A longer route.”

“Why?” I scowled, unable to connect the dots. I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying. I was watching him as he scanned my body from head to toe a dozen times without trying to hide what he was doing in any way whatsoever.

“Something about her being worried about her best friend getting home safely, and me being the knight in shining armour that was to rescue said best friend and take her back on my trusty steed. Only I don’t have a steed.” He paused, thumbing over his shoulder. “But I can give a mean piggy back.”

My face fell in time with my sagging shoulders. “Please tell me Sammy did not send you to check up on me.”

“You make it sound so seedy. Or do I mean sneaky?”

“You mean sneaky. Which it is,” I said, trying to hold back the very weak smile that was trying to break free because of his carefree attitude to life.

“Opinions are allowed to vary on those kinds of specifics.”

“Oh yeah? And what would you call it?”

Placing a hand on the chest of his pale blue shirt, Marcus pretended to flutter his eyelashes. “I would say it’s very caring of my sister. Supportive. Loyal. I would also say it’s very gallant of me.”

“Gallant?” I chuckled softly, rocking back on my heels and folding my arms over my chest. “Have you been watching The Tudors before you came out?”

“No. A Knight’s Tale. Heath Ledger was the dude.”

“I like that film.” I smiled.

“See. We’re connected. Like soul mates.”

I flinched at the mention of soul mates, even though I knew he was joking. Alex’s face flickered through my mind again, and the hook he’d lodged into my heart was being pulled in the same direction as he was, reeling me in once again. I didn’t have time to hope that Marcus hadn’t seen the longing wash over my face. Before I could correct myself, he’d inhaled sharply and was wearing that look that made me feel like he could see right through me with very little effort.

“I overplayed my hand didn’t I?” he asked quietly. “Sorry. I see a girl smiling and my automatic response is to try and make her smile even more.”

“I’m fine,” I lied through a grimace.

“Sammy said something about some guy giving you the boot and you being seven shades of mortified.”

“Remind me why I’m friends with your sister again?”

“Beats me. She’s a constant thorn in my left testicle.”

“Just the left?” I smirked.

“I should have said butt cheeks. It’s weird talking about my little sister and my testicles in the same sentence.”

My brows rose, the humour suddenly returning to my face as I stared at him in wonder. “And talking about her alongside your butt cheeks isn’t?”

“Okay, this is getting awkward. I normally wait until a third or fourth date with a girl before I start talking balls and arse. Can we start over?” He grinned.

I looked down at my shoes before I glanced back up at him, shook my head and huffed out a laugh. “No need to start over. You’re wasting precious drinking time stood here talking with me. You can tell your bossy little sister I’m fine and go and enjoy your night, Alex–”

“Alex?” he interrupted, obviously amused.

Shit.

“Marcus,” I corrected myself in a whisper, but I couldn’t stop my frown from appearing. Looking over his shoulder, I tried to work out the fastest way to escape, seeing as the earth was still refusing to gobble me up despite my demands. But he must have been watching more closely than I realised, and before I could even step to the right to get out of his way, he moved to block me, his hand rising to my shoulder to hold me in place. I flinched from his touch and looked up at him through helpless eyes as all the words and vocabulary I’d ever learned suddenly seemed to disappear.

“Tell me something, Nat. Do you make a habit of running away from any guy that dares to make eye contact with you? Or is it just me?”

Alex’s eyes taunted me, and I had to blink the image of him away before I spoke again. “I don’t make a habit of anything.”

“Twice I’ve seen you, and twice you’ve wanted to run. Don’t you like the deodorant I wear or something?”

“It’s nothing like that.”

“Do I make you feel uncomfortable?”

I slowly shook my head to say no, but the truth was, I had no idea if he did or not. All the signs pointed to yes, even though he’d never been anything but funny, honest and nice to me. “No. No you don’t make me feel uncomfortable.”

“You sure about that?”

“Only when you try to talk to me about testicles.”

Marcus laughed freely, pulling away and holding both his hands up in surrender. “I can’t argue with that. Listen, Natalie… and notice how I’m not getting your name mixed up with some other chick’s here.”

My wince was audible as I scrunched one eye closed in embarrassment and waited him out.

“As much as I believe in a woman’s free will and all that jazz, I’m walking you home whether you like it or not.”

“What is it with guys wanting to walk me home?”

“No disrespect to you and feminism, but I think I’d rather take a full hour of your snarky comebacks than have to listen to a single minute of one of my little sister’s lectures.”

“You get those too, huh?”

“More than you know.”

“Glad it’s not just me.”

“Sammy loves hard. It’s a curse of hers.”

“And you?” I asked out of nowhere, completely taken by surprise by my own question. “What’s your curse?”

“Me?” He grinned harder, dropping his hands into his trouser pockets and tilting his head to one side. “I never know when to quit.”

Copying his pose, I tilted my head in question, unable to hide my small scowl of curiosity. “And what does that mean, exactly?”

“It means I’m walking you home one way or another, whether you like it or not. You can go peacefully, or we can try a fireman’s lift. I’m flexible like that. It also means we’re probably going to stop at the fish ‘n’ chip shop on the way because I’m starving and if I don’t eat soon, shit’s probably going to get real testically again. It means it’s more than likely that I’m going to make you sit and talk and not let you out of my sight until you’ve laughed at least fifteen times and forgotten all about that douche canoe called Jeff.”

“Alex.” I smiled unexpectedly.

“I'm called Marcus.”

“I know.” I laughed. “His name is Alex.”

“Whatever.” He shrugged, his own grin growing by the second. I inhaled sharply, holding the air in my chest as I waited for him to finish. “I don’t take no for an answer, little Nat, so you may as well agree to all of the above. The sooner you let me get my own way, the sooner all of this will be over for you.”

I knew I was staring at him, but no matter how long we looked at one another, no matter how long I waited for a reasonable excuse to spring to mind to get me out of it, nothing ever came. The small pang of guilt I felt was soon wiped away as the memory of Alex leaning into Bronwyn came back to mind, and then all reasons to walk away from Marcus vanished completely.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Christ. That was easier than I expected.”

“But... I don’t have any cash on me.”

Taking a step forward, Marcus leaned closer, his face suddenly an inch from mine when his minty breath washed over me.

“Unlike Mike, I’m a gentleman, Nat. I’ll even hold the door open and pull your chair out for you. You’re safe with me.”

“His name is Alex.”

“I think I'll call him Frank.”