“Go easy. That’s your third in the space of an hour,” Barbara warned me as she lowered her lips to her glass of vodka and orange.

I stared into the bottom of my tumbler like it contained all the answers to every life question I’d ever had. It didn’t. It just contained whiskey. Whiskey! Who the hell drank whiskey at six o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon?

Me, apparently.

“I’m okay,” I croaked before I cleared my throat and slammed my glass back on the table.

“Honey, you’re a terrible liar.”

I peeked up through my lashes, gifting her with my best be-careful-what-you-say glare, even though it probably came off as pathetic and as weak as it felt. “So I’ve been told.”

Barbara turned away from me, choosing to glance around the slightly pretentious surroundings of Veronica’s bar. It wasn’t our usual spot if we chose to go for a cheeky glass of Pinot Grigio after working hours, but for some reason tonight, it seemed to fit. Several storeys above the streets of Leeds didn’t feel like far enough away from reality, actually. If I could have, I’d have buried my head in the clouds and stayed there.

“Can I ask you a question, Natalie?”

I sighed, choosing to circle my glass in my hand as I waited for her to go on, regardless of my response.

“Why would anyone choose to have their eyebrows painted on in a way that made them look permanently angry?” she asked seriously, her frown fixed on her face as she watched several women walk past us, all identical clones of one another.

There wasn’t anything to do other than laugh at that. I knew exactly what she was talking about. Every woman in this bar was dressed in a low-cut dress to showcase their fake boobs, wearing matching, forever-surprised tattooed eyebrows above their eyes. It wasn’t quite the question I’d been expecting, though.

“I don’t know, Babs,” I started. “Maybe that’s their biggest focus in life – achieving the ultimate arch.”

“They’re all just trying to find their Marcus.” She grinned.

Normally, I would have agreed with her enthusiasm. Mainly because she was right in what she was saying. I had been lucky to land Marcus as my own. I knew it as much as she reminded me of it, but just the mention of his name suddenly had me feeling guilty. Not because I’d done anything wrong, but because my mind automatically went to that morning with Alex. It went to the sound of his voice and the uncontrollable reactions I’d had. That’s where the guilt set in.

“Hey,” she said in an usually soft voice. Her hand stretched out to mine, covering the back of it while she tilted her head to one side and gave me that look of hers again – that motherly one. “It’s okay to react to an ex, you know. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“No?”

“You spent a portion of your life on that man. You gave him a part of you that you’d never given anyone else before. It doesn’t matter how long it lasted, or even how it ended. It’s bound to shake you up when you come face to face with him again.”

“Face to face?” I looked back up at her, unable to hide the sadness in my eyes. “Can you imagine how I’d have reacted had I seen him? I was a mess just from hearing his voice.”

“Yes, well…”

I frowned as she shuffled in her seat, tugging down on her dress with her free hand as she suddenly found everything else around us more interesting than me.

“What?” I asked quietly. “What is it?”

Sighing, she turned her attention back to me and rolled her big, brown eyes. “Let’s just say it probably wouldn’t have done you any favours had you seen him.”

“He looks that good, huh?” I cringed.

“Honey, there’s good, and then there’s good.”

“Not helping,” I mumbled, pulling my hand away from hers to lower my head into both my palms. I could only imagine how the years had improved on his perfection. The shadowy stubble along his jaw would just make him stronger. The experience would shine from his hazel eyes, and his swagger… I was certain that had a whole new tilt to it. “What am I going to do, Barbara? If he’s on Cleveland’s books now, chances are that I’m going to see him again at some point.”

“Not necessarily.”

I peeked up from under my hands and waited for her to go on. I saw no way out at that point, so any guidance she could give me would be more than appreciated.

“We didn’t know what we were looking for before this morning,” she went on, starting to explain.

“You’d think I’d see a Mr. Nicholas Law on the appointments clear enough.”

“He wasn’t listed as Mr. Law, though, was he?”

“What do you mean?”

“He was down as a number, a referral from St. Anne’s. It seems Cleveland is seeing Nicholas Law as a favour for a friend.”

“Cleveland has friends?”

“Apparently so.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Please. You think I don’t stick my nose in where it isn’t wanted?”

“Okay. When did you find all this out?”

“While you were dry retching in the toilets for forty-five minutes after they’d left the building.”

“Oh.”

“Exactly.” Taking another slow sip of her drink, Barbara glanced around the bar one more time before she dropped her glass down. “He’s got to be in some kind of serious trouble for Cleveland to step in. He’s the best addiction counsellor north of London.”

I shook my head in the palms of my hands and closed my eyes. I didn’t even want to think about all the issues, trials and tribulations Alex’s father had got them all stuck in since I’d been sent away from them for good. I didn’t want to think about it because I was in danger of wanting to know more, and look where that left me last time. He wasn’t mine to save anymore. I wasn’t his, either. I had to remember that.

“He’s an arsehole,” was all I could mumble before I pushed my hair away from my face, raised my shoulders, and blew out a heavy breath. “That’s all any of us need to know.”

“Sounds complicated.”

“Too complicated.” I picked up my glass then and downed the final mouthful of whiskey too quickly. It burned my throat and had me gasping like I was having an asthma attack. “I should get going.”

“Are you going to be okay, doll?”

I blew all the air out of my cheeks and slapped my hands on my thighs in defeat. Was I going to be okay? Sure. I’d survived before and I’d do it again. I’d do it because I had a better grip on my life now. I was certain of what and who I wanted, and I wasn’t about to let one, barely there, glimpse of Alex Law’s life change that for me.

My nod was a little too frantic as I looked back up into Barbara’s eyes.

“Have I told you how grateful I am to have you in my life?” I asked her in an unusual display of affection.

“Not recently. I like diamonds, flowers and Yankee Candles.”

“On my salary? I’ll pick you some daisies from my parents’ back garden.” I chuckled.

“And the diamonds?”

“Barbara, when I have the money, I’ll bathe you in them.”

“Silly thing is, I believe you.” She laughed that rough, genuine laugh of hers before she picked up her bag and we both began to make our way out of the building. We’d just waltzed inside the elevator and were watching the doors close when she eventually turned to me and spoke again. “Natalie Vincent: always willing to give more than she has, no matter what it costs her to give it.”

“Babe?”

“Yeah?” I called back over my shoulder. I was on the sofa in Marcus’ apartment, completely full to the brim after eating Chinese takeout for the second time that week. I’d arrived at his front door, a little tipsy from my drown-my-sorrow drinks after work, and seductively asked him if he fancied a visit from a ‘sure thing’ for the night. Apparently, I’d stopped off for food on the way, bringing a huge bottle of Prosecco home with me as though we both had something to celebrate.

I hated Prosecco.

“Are you still naked in there?”

I glanced down at my body as if to confirm with myself more than him that I was, in fact, still naked. Biting back my grin, I pulled the blanket from the back of his sofa and draped it over my shoulders.

“Kinda.”

“Kinda? What does that mean? I told you to stay naked!” he cried.

“It’s chilly.”

“It’s August and we’re in a heatwave.” I could hear him rushing around his bedroom in a panic to come back and inspect me. Marcus had had to excuse himself just moments beforehand to take a business call. A business call that, had it been made a few minutes before, would probably have been ignored due to the fact that the only sound around the whole apartment had been Marcus’ grunts of appreciation and the slapping of skin on skin as he pounded into me over the back of the sofa.

“You left me,” I huffed in feigned annoyance. “You used me, abused me and then left me!”

“Wait, wait, wait. Ouch, shit!” The sound of him running straight into the edge of his wooden bed had me pressing the blanket to my mouth as I tried to stifle my laughter, but that proved more and more impossible as he hopped around like a lunatic, shouting out random curse words at the bed. “Fucking piece of Ikea shit. Fucking straight lines and pointy fucking corners. Bollocks. Christ on a fucking bike. Ouch.”

It went on and on and on, and I cringed at the noise he must have been making. His neighbours in the apartment below were notorious for knocking on his door at the most inappropriate times, just to tell him to turn his television or stereo down.

“You okay?” I asked, still struggling not to giggle.

It took a few minutes for him to appear, but when he did, the little frown on his face was nothing short of adorable. The black curls of his hair were now a chaotic mess that hung down over one side of his face, and the new hobble he had adopted made him look so cute and vulnerable, it took everything I had to stay seated and wait for him to come to me.

“I have an ouchie,” he said through a pout, hissing with every step he took closer to me before he stood towering over me. “And you lied. You’re a lying, naked, beast of a woman.”

“What did you do?” I asked, ignoring his observations.

“Banged my toe on the bed.”

“Ooh, ouch.” I cringed, peering down at his feet before opening up my arms and the blanket to him. “Want me to cuddle you better?”

“I shouldn’t…”

“But?” I grinned.

“I want the boobies. I really want the boobies.”

I laughed as he snuggled in place. For a man who worked out a lot, he always felt so right and comfortable when wrapped up in my arms. We had one of those equal relationships going on. I never felt like I was too small in his grip and he never felt too manly to be in mine. We were comfortable embracing one another, and no matter how many times one of us got hurt, the other would always be there waiting with open arms to make everything better.

His sexy, half pissed off groan did things to me as he snuggled in place and dropped his head into my naked lap. I never thought I’d be so comfortable around another man, but Marcus had spent years building up this trust with me. It had taken me a long time to let another man touch me after Alex. Too long.

I wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and looked down at him as he stared at my naked breasts.

“These always make me feel better. They’re like magic.” He grinned.

“Magic toe healers.”

“They’re magic everything healers. It already hurts less.”

“Funny that, isn’t it?” I chuckled, raising a hand to comb through the unrulier parts of his hair. It was so thick and so black in its uniqueness. I’d never seen anyone else able to carry off the look that Marcus pulled off. It had never been love or even lust at first sight with him, but as we grew closer over the years, I began to wonder how I hadn’t seen it sooner. I was always aware of women surrounding him whenever we went out together. I just never felt that jealousy when they were there. I never saw what they lusted after because all I saw for such a long time was my friend. My best friend’s brother. My go-to when things got tough. Even now, knowing he was mine, I trusted him implicitly when we were around other women.

A part of me knew I always would.

“It’s not funny at all, Nat.” Peeking up at me, he put on his cutest man pout and batted his lovely, long eyelashes. “I’m a man. I can handle pain. Some kid once threw a punch at me so hard, I saw spots for days, but I didn’t fall. I barely even flinched.”

“My poor baby.”

“But this pain, that stub your toe kind of pain, that’s fucking evil.”

“Evil?”

“You know why?”

“Because you can’t hit it back?”

“No. Although there is that. But no. It’s because it doesn’t hit you straight away and then let you get over it. I hate stubbing my toe because you smack it, then you wait. You wait for what seems like forever for that fucking pain to wash over you. You’re just standing there, completely still like an idiot. There’s nothing you can do except hold your breath and wait for it to bring you to your knees… and there’s shit all you can do about it. You know what I mean?”

I blinked down at him, all too aware that the smile had fallen away from my face as he spoke. A chill crawled sneakily down my spine. It was an Alex induced chill, taunting me until it felt like all the blood had dripped from my face and was currently bleeding out of my feet. I knew exactly the kind of pain he was talking about.

“I do,” I pushed out as I swallowed. Trying to distract him, I smiled weakly and tilted my head to one side, not stopping as I caressed his hair. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“Don’t be sorry. I have your twins to make me feel better.”

Just like that, he had me smiling again. His hands found their way up my stomach until two things held his attention completely, and with a small kiss here and a small tickle there, I soon found myself beneath him once more. It wasn’t long before I found comfort and quiet in his kiss again, until all that was left was the two of us making love on his couch for the second time that night.

Him trying to ignore his stub your toe kind of pain.

Me trying to ignore my stub your toe kind of memories.