Despite the open invitation, Alex didn’t stop by the house on a whim again, but I still saw him every day. The eye contact was always the same – short, sweet but something I looked forward to anyway. No words were ever spoken. It was just a collection of sly glances, and sometimes, if the sun was shining and neither one of us was still sleepy from the early morning rise, there would be a soft smile involved, too.

For some reason, I found myself enjoying those soft smiles of his more and more as time slipped on by.

Before long, winter had disappeared to another part of the world and England was being graced with the delights of spring. Almost a full year had passed and somehow I was still surviving, even though, every day, Elizabeth got that little bit further away from me.

“I can’t believe it’s almost April.” Sammy sighed, pulling her two folders closer to her chest as we walked side by side down the school corridors. We were in the sixth form now, here by choice, or rather, lack of other options. None of us were ready to go out into the big, wide world alone. We were barely able to make it in the one in which we already existed.

“I know,” I muttered quietly.

“Time just goes by so fucking fast.”

“Sometimes.”

“Shit. Sorry, Nat. I didn’t think.”

“About what?”

“You know what. I’m an idiot.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, trying to fake breeziness, when in reality, just the mention of April made the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. “It’s no different to any other time of year.”

“That’s what you said at Christmas.”

“Did I?”

“And in June.”

“June?”

“Your birthday, Natalie.”

Looking away from her, I clung on to both straps of my backpack and shrugged lazily. The lockers we were passing suddenly seemed very interesting, and if I just squinted a little bit and pretended to study them, I could trick myself into believing that what I was about to say wasn't another lie.

“Just another day. Every day is just another day. It doesn’t make them any harder or any less painful than the next one.”

Sammy grabbed the top of my arm, and I spun around to face her, looking between the hold she had on me and her face as my frown began to take over again.

“Listen,” she began, pausing only to make sure no one was around us before she lowered her voice and leaned in closer. “I’m not in the business of telling people how to live their lives, especially not you. You know more than anyone how much I love and respect you.”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming on…”

“Damn right you do. I can’t go on like this, walking beside this hollow version of you that I don’t know how to talk to anymore.”

Her face creased up as she struggled to hide her own pain. There was nothing I could say to her because I was too lost in that look she was wearing. I was too busy listening to the pounding of my own heart as it began to gallop harder and harder against my ribs.

“I’m not asking to understand what you’re going through. If you want my honest to God opinion, I think you’re phenomenal. How you’ve carried on, coped, dealt with this last twelve months. Phenomenal,” she repeated, nodding slowly before the up and down motion turned into a shake of the head as her thoughts steered her from approval to disapproval. “But it’s been twelve months now and I need you back. We all need you back. I’m not asking you to be bright and breezy. I’m not asking you to get over anything.”

“Then what are you asking me, Sam?”

“I’m asking you to feel again, Nat. I don’t care what the emotion is; just show something. Anything. Be a teenager! I’d rather you be a raging bitch to everyone that even dares to look at you than for you to carry on as this empty shell of what you really are.”

I sighed softly, but it had the weight of the world behind it as I looked down to the end of the corridor where the large, glass-panelled doors to escape stood, tempting me to run. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my friends, but I didn’t know how else to be now. I’d been out of their way of life for too long.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I whispered back, chewing on the corner of my bottom lip as I turned to face her again. My shrug was nothing more than a gap filler, something to eat away at the time until she decided which part of me to tear off first.

Reaching up, her hand smoothed one side of my hair away and her expression changed from awkward to serene all at once. “It isn’t words I want from you. I just want to see some fire back in this body of yours, babe. Anything. When was the last time you laughed?”

“Last night.”

“Were you watching Friends again and doing that half-arsed, huffy snort thing that you do? That isn’t laughing. That’s just exaggerated breathing. You haven’t laughed properly in months. In almost a year.”

“I hate that you know this shit,” I mumbled, looking up at the ceiling one last time.

“Well I do, and you can’t escape it, or me, so don’t even try. Do you even know what you enjoy now? Do you know what makes sixteen-year-old Natalie Vincent tick anymore?”

The way it happened was like something out of one of those fantasy movies Elizabeth used to like. If I could have described it to anyone, I would have imagined the world fading out until there was just me standing on a single plinth surrounded by absolute darkness. It happened the second I was forced to think of something that made me happy. Then there was a flash of light to my left that seemed like the sun, growing bigger, walking closer, casting shadows on everything else so that all I was left to look at was the blinding, fascinating yellow beside me.

Yellow soon turned to cream, cream turning quickly to white until the rest of the world came back into focus. Then all I could see were two hazel eyes walking my way, and all I could feel was Sammy’s hand as it dropped to my shoulder and squeezed ever so tightly.

“I believe that answers that,” she whispered so only I could hear. At least, I hoped I was the only one that could hear.

Alex was getting closer, and even though I knew I should look away, I couldn’t seem to find the strength to. It was always the same with him.

My skin prickled and I waited for him to walk past us, but he didn’t get the chance. Sammy stepped out to the side to block his path, bouncing on her toes enthusiastically as she grabbed a hold of his forearm and tugged him closer.

“Alex, come on over here. Me and Nat were just talking about you!” she enthused, avoiding my glare as she looked up at him while he struggled to keep the surprise from his face.

“About me?” he asked, leaning slightly away from her before stealing a glance at me.

The moment our eyes locked, I felt it. Not some bullshit tingle or anything like that. I’d been searching for a way to describe it for months, but I got it then. I got it. I knew that Alex felt like peace to me. When I was near him, the noise in my head fell quiet. I didn’t find myself thinking so much. I was too busy staring, analysing, and daydreaming.

Sammy was speaking in the background. I could hear the words pouring out of her in a rush, but between subtle blinks and twitches of my mouth, I’d shut her out.

Alex was beautiful. A beautiful artwork of tanned skin, brown and copper hair, finished off with those perfect eyes. He was a whole new bubble entirely.

“Nat?”

I could barely breathe being so close to him.

“Nat?”

I definitely couldn’t move.

“Natalie!”

“What?” I said suddenly, snapping my head to look back at Sammy, who was now staring at me with a look of amusement on her face.

“I said what do you think?” She grinned.

My heartbeat got faster as the panic set in. I didn’t want to look like a moron in front of anyone, let alone him, but I hadn’t a clue what she was asking my opinion of.

“I…”

Alex took a step closer, standing taller as he breathed down on me and gifted me with that soft smile of his. “I wasn’t listening to her either.”

“Really?”

“You're not alone.”

“Glad it wasn’t just me,” I answered quietly as I inhaled and looked up at him, certain there was a dual meaning to what he’d just said. “She talks too much.”

“Is that a common occurrence?”

“All the time.” I smiled genuinely, lost in a cloud of our faint voices and close proximity. Had I been a normal kind of girl, I’d have panicked about all the little things I probably should have been concerned over. I’d have worried if my hair was a mess, or if I had last night’s mascara still smudged beneath my eyes. I’d have been obsessing over the food I’d eaten for lunch still lingering on my breath or if I’d used the nice deodorant that morning. I’d have cared about the clothes I was wearing, or the way I looked like I wanted to be anywhere but there, when in fact, right there was suddenly the only place I’d ever wanted to be. But I wasn’t obsessing about anything. I was just being, feeling, and enjoying the way the pressure in my mind seemed to ease whenever he was nearby. “You get used to it after a while.”

“Is that why you don’t talk so much? Because you can’t get a word in?”

“I guess it would make sense for that to be the case.”

“Something tells me it isn’t, though.”

I frowned, even though I wasn’t annoyed at all. The hint of my last smile was still there on my face. I could feel it. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” He shrugged. “Everything.”

“Do you always talk in a way that’s impossible to understand?”

“We’ve only spoken three times in twelve months. I’ve just not had the chance to make you really listen yet.”

“You kept count?” I asked, raising both brows as I tugged on one strap of my bag a little harder than the other. My fingers curled around the material to try to stop my body from responding to him at all.

“I have a good memory for nice moments, Natalie.” Alex tilted his head to one side and smirked as he narrowed his eyes.

Natalie.

He said my name like he cherished it. I’d never heard it spoken that way before.

My chest was tight now, a new fire burning and spreading through it until the smoke of anxiety and uncertainty took my throat hostage again, but I was still smiling. My emotions and my reactions were not in line at all. Twisting my head up and squinting against the harsh lights of the corridor, I gave him a paralysed grin and held his gaze.

“Why do you speak to me that way?” I asked without any thought at all.

“How do I speak to you?”

“Like we’ve known each other our whole lives.” I paused, a thought hitting me all at once as the memory of him in the doorway, watching over Elizabeth, flashed through my mind. For one moment, I was back in that room. I could smell the medicine. I could smell the impending death. “Why do you look at me every day, Alex? Do you feel you have to? Is it because of…?”

He shook his head, almost violently, all humour draining from his face before he eventually spoke. “Natalie.” He swallowed, the huge Adam’s apple in his neck protruding as it sank down while he regained some composure.

This time, my name on his lips didn’t sound so good. Regret tinged his voice, and a soft wave of sadness washed over me at the realisation that he probably pitied me. I turned to face Sammy. I thought that maybe she could show me something without having to speak again. I wanted to see reassurance in her eyes, a sign that I was being too cynical or sensitive – one of those looks she wore that could make me cower like a beta wolf to the alpha. But when I searched for her, she had gone. Vanished. No longer there. She’d left me and I hadn’t even noticed.

“Natalie,” he whispered again. The school bell rang out loudly, causing my shoulders to flinch in surprise, bringing me back down to earth with a bump.

“I should go,” I muttered.

Alex’s hand flew out to reach for my arm, grabbing hold of my bicep in much the same way Sammy had done earlier, only somehow with much more tenderness, while keeping me exactly where he wanted me to be. I was rooted to the floor as I looked back up at him through cautious eyes.

“What are you doing?” I frowned.

“Listen to me. I know we don’t know each other. I know there isn’t much to tell anyone about us, either. We don’t speak. We don’t have a need to. I get it. I’ve been at this school for just under a year now. That’s all. I’m already on every sports team you can imagine. I’m passing all my classes. I’m so far ahead I could take the rest of this year off and still not fall behind. I know almost everything there is to know about every guy in our year, and almost all the girls… besides you.  I don’t have to get on that bus every morning at the time I do, because half of my timetable doesn’t even begin until the afternoon.”

His eyes searched mine intently, looking in every corner, at every fleck of white, blue and black that I owned. I was being stripped naked without shedding a single item of clothing. The feeling made my insides tighten and my knees begin to shake. I wasn’t scared – far from it. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was also speechless, so I remained quiet, only creasing my brows together just a little more to emphasise my confusion.

“I don’t talk to you because I know what I saw that night. I can see how you see yourself in my eyes now. I know what moment I intruded on.”

“You didn’t…”

“Please, let me finish. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get a chance to say this again because I don’t know if we’ll ever get to talk. I just wanted you to know… I’ve wanted you to know since the day after it happened…” He paused, parting his lips to suck in a long breath before he spoke out through his exhale. “I don’t pity you. I don’t think you’re weak. I don’t have anything but respect for you and what I saw that night. What I witnessed – I won’t ever forget it. I had no right to be there, but I was. How that came to be, I will never really know. I shouldn’t have stepped through that door, but I did and now I’m the one who should be embarrassed. I’m the one who doesn’t know what to say, but, that doesn't stop me from feeling some weird kind of gratitude. I felt privileged to have been there, you know? To witness what you two had, to be in those moments with you and your family. It was the kind of thing you only read about. I couldn’t turn away no matter how hard I tried. I'd never seen two people being so open with each other before. I saw your pain, Natalie. I saw it and I guess it’s why I get on the bus each morning. I look at you every day because I want to... because I need to. Something happened to me that night that I can’t explain. I don’t need to hear you speak. I'm not hot on conversation myself. I just need to get on that bus every day, see you and make sure you’re alright.”

My lips barely moved when I pushed out a dry whisper. “I’m alright, Alex.”

He studied me for a moment, his grip on my arm turning loose before he let his hand fall away completely. “I know.” He smiled, raising a brow. “I know.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I see you’ve started smiling more lately.”

My head dipped without warning and the blush rose to my cheeks like a tidal wave. I’d always known we were aware of each other. There was something between us that couldn’t be described, but I’d never, not in all of my daydreams, imagined that he had taken so much notice for the sake of my sister.

“You’re being charming again,” I said through a muted laugh, skimming my trainer over the surface of the school’s shiny floor just for something to do before I looked back up at him again.

“I do that a lot.” He grinned.

I chuckled, raising both brows and nodding slowly. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For giving me something to look forward to in life, when, for the last year, I’ve not really seen much to live for at all.”

“And what do you have to live for now?” he asked, his eyes bright as he tilted his head to the other side.

The hall bell rang out again, the high-pitched shrill loud enough to call a flock of seagulls back from the other side of the world. Yet we both stayed there, completely still, lost in our moment and the twisted smirks.

When I eventually released my smile’s full potential, I huffed out yet another small laugh and took a single step closer.

“The bus journey to school every morning.”

Then I walked away, past Alex, our arms brushing against one another as I tried to sidestep, only to misjudge the distance completely. At that moment, I didn’t feel peace. There was only adrenaline, and a really weird tightening going on in the very depths of my stomach, like a thousand butterflies had just been set free after almost seventeen years of darkness and imprisonment.

They felt good, really good. I may have even kept that smile on my face until the moment my head hit the pillow later that evening when, for the first time in a long while, I dreamed that I was somewhere else – somewhere a world away from dirt and desperation, somewhere peaceful. Somewhere warm. Somewhere the sky was the colour of caramel, and the clouds were outlined with bright, twinkling hazel borders.

And it was beautiful.