It wasn’t simply that I had been dreading April. It was more that I would rather have stuck my head in a bucket full of hot tar than enter the month with any form of consciousness. It didn’t stop it from arriving, though, and when it did, I tried to pretend it was just another day in the life of me, post loss. Only it was proving more and more difficult to hide the fact that even though the sadness was always hanging over me, there was something – or should I say someone – else occupying my mind and holding my hand in the darkness.

The groan of the engine as it slowed, the hiss and sigh of the doors as they opened, the rough but gentle tones of his voice as he passed the driver… all these sounds were becoming my new focus. Every day I struggled to hold onto my smile, and every day Alex returned whatever expression I gifted to him with one that was practically identical. If I gave him a sideways glance, barely looking his way, he would do the same. If he managed to coax a full smile from me, he shot me one right back, forcing me to look up to the sky and narrow my eyes until the ache in my cheeks subsided.

It was a Thursday when he first chose to change the rules completely.

My backpack, which I’d wedged between my feet when I had taken my seat, somehow slipped away from the grip my calves had had on it, only to slide backwards and force me to try and jerk forward as fast as I could. I didn’t even hear him get on the bus that day. In some strange way, it was like he knew how much I’d come to crave our routine, and he knew how much I would struggle without it that morning if I didn't get to see him at all.

Before I could even lift my head up and rearrange the long curtains of hair that had formed around my face, his breath was against my ear and my body was frozen in place.

“Let me get that for you.”

I didn’t move. I couldn’t. The heat in my cheeks was like an inferno, and for the first time in my sixteen years, I was trapped under a boy’s spell like the giddy schoolgirl I was, unable to move for fear of making a fool of myself.

With my eyes down on the floor, wider than they’d ever been, I stayed in place, waiting for him to do whatever he needed to do, then leave, but he didn’t go anywhere. In just a few swift movements, he’d pulled my bag from its wandering path, pushed it back into its usual place between my legs and sat down beside me.

It was only when he was settled that he pressed his shoulder against mine and reached up to carefully lift the curtain of hair away from my face. My eyes flickered to the side to take him in, and when our eyes met, it seemed that everything else did, too.

“Hi.” He smiled lazily, his single finger still holding my hair in place.

“Hi,” I croaked.

“You mind if I sit here?”

“N-no,” I said quickly, swallowing before I bit down on my bottom lip.

That move wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t to be seductive or to try to look cute. For me, it was only about one thing...

I had to stop it from trembling. I had to stop it from making me look like I was about to cry, when in reality, somewhere deep, deep down inside, I’d been waiting for Alex Law to sit down beside me for a hell of a long time.

“Good,” he whispered as he tucked my hair behind my ear and dropped his hand into his lap.

His eyes fell on my trapped lip, and he studied it for quite some time. At some point, the bus began to move again until it pulled up outside the school gates like it had slipped through a time portal and made this single, much craved-for, moment pass me by in the blink of an eye.

“Have a good day, Natalie.”

“You, too, Alex,” I mouthed, watching him as he stood and began to walk away from me into the crowds of his friends who were waiting for him by the door. Their mouths hung open, much the same way mine did, and I would have had to be blind to miss the way each one of the boys turned my way, taking a curious glance to find out what it was about me that held his attention.

That was the first and last time he ever asked for my permission. The seat next to me soon became his everyday spot, and it wasn’t long before the smiles grew bigger, the hellos got longer and the goodbyes held a lot more promise as to what the next day would bring.

It was the eve of the anniversary of Lizzy's death, and I was leaving the playground to make my way home after waving Sammy, Suzie and Daniella off on their way. They were all enrolled in a dance class after final period, but I wasn’t quite ready for that just yet. I wasn’t sure if I ever would be. Dancing had never really been my thing. I’d never held enough grace in any of my limbs to make myself look like I was doing anything other than having a temporary fit of uncoordinated insanity. I was also far too self-conscious to let myself go.

The afternoon was warm – much warmer than any of us had expected it to be – and as I pulled off my jumper and began to wrap the arms around my waist, the sun shone down on the exposed parts of my skin to give me a teaser of what was to come. I’d secured my bag in place, run my hands through my hair to push it back over my shoulders and was just about to make a right out of the school gates when the sound of a male voice forced my head to snap left.

Two men were arguing beside a car, and it was only when the elder of the two, in a smart, grey suit, slammed the passenger door shut, exposing the other person to the world, that I saw who else was involved.

Alex’s head was bowed low, and his shoulders sagged forward as the man standing in front of him looked down on him with nothing but disdain. The anger on his face was apparent. He looked like one of those bad guys I’d seen in a rusty, eighties mob film that my father occasionally liked to watch. Every feature was dark and menacing, every crease in his skin like a war wound from a darker time that he paraded around as a trophy of destruction.

I couldn’t stop looking at him.

I didn’t mean to hang around, but the moment Alex’s head rolled to the side and he looked up through hooded eyes, I slipped back around the stone pillar and hid, my hands gripping the harsh ridges on the rough surface until I pressed my cheek against it and held my breath in waiting.

“Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” the older man shouted.

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Do I need to remind you who it is you’re talking to?”

Pause. A long pause, followed by what sounded like the slap of a hand against the roof of the car.

“No... sir,” Alex pushed out.

His voice sounded different. Colder. Flatter. Lifeless, just like the very stone in my hands. I so desperately wanted to peer around the pillar and check to see if he was okay. Looking back around the yard, I tried to see if anyone else was witnessing what I was, but there were no other bodies in sight. It was just the three of us – two people in one moment, and me, the intruder.

Nothing else was said for a while, and just as I was about to step out to take a peek, I heard the unmistakable sound of skin meeting skin. The loud crack rang out, filling the otherwise silent air around us until it hit me straight in the heart and made me gasp for breath.

I couldn’t help myself then. I moved without thought.

Bursting out from my hiding place, I didn’t even wait to take in the scene in front of me before I cried out.

“Hey!”

Alex’s chin rested against his chest, and his hand cradled his cheek while the man beside him turned all his attention to me. The anger that shone from his eyes was almost as menacing as the emptiness I saw there. Whoever he was, this man was cold. He was dangerous and he was currently hurting my friend.

My heart rate picked up speed, and every goosebump I possessed came to life and raised their warning flags to the world. I froze in place, one hand gripping the strap of my bag while I tried to figure out what to do or what to say. With my lips parted, I moved to take a step forward, wavering slightly when I saw his eyes narrowing even further.

“Alex?” I said, blinking away my uncertainty as I turned to look at him and moved forward. “Alex, I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You were meant to be in the sports hall ten minutes ago. Mr. Ryan sent me out here to fi–” I stopped briefly to swallow down the hint of nerves that was making my voice tremble. “To find you.” I finished.

Alex didn’t look up, instead focusing his attention on the ground as he worked the muscles in his jaw back and forth, inhaling through his nose.

I should have turned and left him alone. I should have done what I’d always done since Lizzy left me. I should have bowed my head and ignored the world and all the problems that existed in it, but as this man – this foreboding man with no regret in his pores – turned his dark and eerie attention to me, I spoke anyway.

“Have you hurt him?” I asked, frowning up at his towering form.

“Excuse me?” he answered, unable to hide the creepy smirk on his face.

“I think you heard me,” I whispered. “And I think you know I already know the answer.”

He pushed both his hands into his suit pockets, shifting around until he was fully focused on me, and even though I knew I should have been scared, all I could focus on was the fact that Alex had stiffened beside me, pushing himself up off the car as he fisted his hands down by his thighs.

“Alex, are you alright?”

“He’s fine,” the man answered for him.

I sighed heavily, unsure what to do as I looked up at him and slowly shook my head.

“Forgive me for interrupting whatever you were explaining to him with the back of your hand... sir... but I have to take Alex back into school now. If I don’t, his football coach is going to be out here looking for him, too. He might even be on his way now. I’d hate for him to get involved in whatever this is that’s going on between the two of you.”

His dark eyes squeezed together until they were barely even open, and I knew that he was studying me the way a hunter studies his prey. The small smile that tugged on his lips was twitching and I had no doubt that this man was once as handsome as the boy standing next to him, and probably still would be, if only life and bitterness hadn’t stolen the kindness away from his eyes.

Alex moved quickly, stepping in between the two of us and keeping his back to me, but the man still kept his eyes locked on me over Alex’s shoulder, his smile growing bigger before he eventually looked back into Alex’s eyes.

“We'll finish this later. I have to go,” Alex said flatly, not waiting for a response or approval he clearly wasn’t going to get. All these words were rattling around inside my head – things I could say to remove him from the situation he was caught in, excuses I could use, threats I could make – but I didn’t have to wait long before they all faded away as Alex’s hand reached back to wrap itself around mine.

When he squeezed it tightly, I pressed my mouth together to stop myself from speaking, but there was no way on earth I could shut up my heart. That was shouting louder than ever before, along with the blood in my veins and the heat of my skin in Alex’s grip.

Before I realised what was happening, I was being spun around and the small of my back was being caressed with his other hand as we both began to march quickly into the schoolyard.

His hot and heavy breaths were in my ear as we moved forward, and with each step we took together, his fingers curled deeper into mine, almost like he was clinging on for dear life.

Our pace got faster, more hurried, the urgency ramping up until I felt like I was going to explode with a tension I’d never felt before. I wanted to slow him down and tell him I was sorry for getting involved. I wanted to make him stop so I could turn to face him, tell him everything was okay now and that I was sorry he was hurting, whatever the reason. But as we pushed through the gates and made our way back to the main hall, Alex’s hand slid from my back to my waist, until he had me in a grip so tight, it felt like he may as well have been carrying me.

“Ale–”

“Don't,” he said sharply. His feet moved quicker as he walked straight past the door I thought we were meant to be going through, only to swiftly turn us both to the side, taking us down a path that ran straight around the back of a portable cabin where barely one body could fit with any comfort, never mind two of us.

The moment he stopped me and spun me in his grip, Alex pressed me to the building with no gentleness at all. My shoulders slammed hard against the wall, and before I could even cry out in pain or surprise, his hands had moved to my waist and pulled me closer to his body.

Then he kissed me.

Alex kissed me.

All my thoughts evaporated into thin air the very second his warm lips met mine while his hands held me in place. His tongue swept over mine, and the groan he released into my mouth tasted so sweet, I never wanted it to end. I just hadn’t let it register yet that it had even really, truly begun.

My hips rolled forward, a movement I’d never made before in my life, or thought to make, but suddenly I wasn’t in charge anymore. I wanted to be closer to him, to ignore the harsh brick tearing against my hair, to ignore the throbbing in my shoulders and the nerves that rolled away in my stomach. I wanted to be closer, because close suddenly didn’t feel like it was close enough at all.

Our lips moved together in a perfect little slow dance – mine scared and timid at first, but soon coaxed to life with every massage of his tongue and soft sigh he made into my mouth. My fingers found their way into his unruly hair, sliding down the sides until I held the ends of it in my grip where I could fist it and pull him down on me just that little bit more.

The heat started at my toes, moving upwards until my whole body felt on fire from his touch. I couldn’t explain what was happening. I didn’t even want to begin to try, but the second Alex moaned my name into my mouth and began to pull away, I wanted to beg for him to stay.

The words ‘don’t stop’ lingered on the tip of my tongue, pleading for me to set them free, but they didn’t make it out before Alex had rested his forehead against mine as he breathed down on me, struggling to catch his breath.

Then all I could do was wait.

And hope.

And wait.

And hope…

Hope that he didn’t regret what he’d just done because I wasn't sure I could survive the moment if he did.

I blinked quickly, looking up at him as he scrunched his eyes together before opening them once more and staring straight back at me. I’d never been so close to him before and I never wanted to be any farther away than where I was right then.

“I’m…” His whispered breaths were heavy.

“Sorry?” I offered.

Alex held my gaze, not wavering in his conviction when he began to smile ever so charmingly. “For many things.”

“You don’t have to say it.” My eyes fell to his chest.

When a single finger raised my chin back up, and I was forced to stare into that sea of hazel again, I knew that what was happening right there was about to change me forever.

“I’m not sorry for kissing you, Natalie Vincent.”

“Then... what are you sorry for?”

“Honestly?”

I nodded once and held my breath.

“For not kissing you sooner.”

There it was – that single moment that changed everything inside me. From then on, my life would be divided into two eras and suddenly everything seemed simple.

There was life before Alex Law.

And there would be life after him.

For the second time in my sixteen years, April was changing my entire world in just a matter of minutes, and I had no idea if it was for better or for worse.