I went on two dates that Luciana set up for me and every time Callum waited up like a demented person. It wasn’t that I was goading him or anything, but I needed for him to know that if I couldn’t fully have him, then I had to keep something of myself as well. He got to keep Zara in his heart and I got to keep my freedom. Even exchange? Not really, but I’d rather have it than not have anything at all.

What I liked about him after those dates, though, was how he always greeted me the second I entered the foyer. After kissing me on the cheek, each and every time he’d say, “Thanks for coming back safe.”

Our transition was evolving and I hoped he’d stay this way. I wasn’t blind, I knew he didn’t like me going out, but he had no choice other than to agree with my conditions.

Tomorrow marked a week of me being back here and I promised Clive that I was going to go have dinner with him. After the meal, we had plans to watch the latest horror flick that had recently come out. Callum had a business dinner, so it wouldn’t be a problem if I stayed out a lot later than usual.

I knew I could date who ever I desired, yet for some reason, I didn’t want him to know that I was going out with Clive.

As expected, dinner with Clive was splendid. It was so great that we ended up catching the last slotted time for the show. Watching a horror flick when drunk was actually quite refreshing. Clive and I both ended up laughing at parts that were supposed to be meant as scary.

To say that I had an incredibly fun night was an understatement

Time flew by and I didn’t come home until it was past three in the morning. I tried not to panic since it was extremely late.

I entered the house like a thief; suspicious, alert and sneaky. The house was dark and I sighed with relief as I tiptoed into the foyer, trying to make as little noise as possible. I was planning to sleep in one of the guest rooms when Callum’s voice echoed throughout the dark house.

“That was Clive who dropped you off?”

Fuck. He was up!

“Good of you to check out through the window like a total creeper.” Was he waiting down here all this time? God, I hoped not.

Callum emerged from his dark hiding spot, wearing only his black boxer briefs and nothing else. “What did you guys do?” he asked, folding his arms on his chest, looking at me like a sergeant interrogating his underdogs.

No, he promised not to do this. If I gave in now, he’d do this every time. “In case you forgot, Callum, you gave me your word that you wouldn’t question me. As long as I came home safe, everything was fine.”

I could actually hear him grind his teeth together. “Yes, you’re having a bloody ball. I won’t ask anymore, I swear it, but I need you to answer me this one question. Did you have sex with him?” he grit out, body tense.

Was he trying to intimidate me? “It really isn’t your business.”

He cracked, bellowing at me. “How could you let another man touch you when you claimed that you were in love with me?” Callum was raving with jealousy, however I was having none of it.

I snorted when he mentioned love. “How dare you throw that in my face!” I growled, shaking with anger as I tried to walk past him, intending to sleep and sort this argument out tomorrow, but the blasted man yanked my arm, not letting me free. “We’ll continue this in the morning.” I tried to be rational, yet he wasn’t listening.

“Just answer me, damn you!” he gripped me tighter.

I glared at him. “Fine. I didn’t have sex with him, but I just might if you keep driving me crazy!” I fumed, yanking my arm free. “Goodnight.” I was trying to walk away again when he stopped me, once more.

“Stella—” he pleaded, all the anger seemed to have subsided the second he knew I didn’t have sex with Clive.

He was a possessive man, I knew that, but given our delicate circumstances, he should be a little bit more understanding. I was still drunk, tired and drained, and there was nothing more I wanted to do than crawl into bed and sleep. “What now, Callum!” I spun around, hair waving past my shoulders, ready to lay it out on him when I saw his expression.

“You have a hickey,” Callum hissed out, about to blow a gasket. “You have a bloody fucking hickey! You let him touch you.” His accusing, pained eyes got to me. “You let him touch you… how could you do this to me?”

Fuck. This hurt. It wasn’t intentional, well, not on my part. Clive somehow got a little over-friendly in the movie theatre. We didn’t even kiss or anything, but he did make out with my neck for a minute… or so.

This was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to stay with him. Apart from his jealous streak, I was now seeing what I was missing after going out with Clive tonight. Callum could never be that man for me, but I kept coming back to him. If I wanted to find love, being here would make it impossible.

“You know what, this wasn’t a good idea. I’m going to call a cab and go back to my place,” I sighed as I texted the private agency my address and hit the send button.

“Hell, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” Callum immediately apologized, mood changing swiftly. “Stay. Please. I’ll sleep in the other room if that’ll make you happy.”

This was a hopeless situation. I saw it clearly now. We were going to end up even more messed up than before. We both deserved better than that.

“Cal...” I started, figuring out how to convey my feelings without causing us to fight some more. “Would it be okay if you—” I stopped when he looked conflicted, like he knew what I was about to say. “I need some time apart from you. To be alone, I mean. You’re always around and I’m having a hard time. I’m all over the place and this is not healthy for me or for my business. I’m losing my focus and I simply can’t have that. I’ve worked too hard to get where I’m at.” Ever since I started this whole thing with him and realized that I loved him, it had been downhill from there.

“I’m a distraction.”

If I could ease the pain in his eyes, I would, but at what cost? He was going to keep me here, for what? Companionship? Comfort? I needed more. I wanted his love. If I had that, I’d give him every piece of me, but I didn’t.

“You’re too much, too everything, and I need to breathe. You need to let me breathe.”

Callum simply looked lost. “I…” he started, looking at me a little unfocused. “It wasn’t my intention. You know I would never jeopardize your business.” He searched my face when I walked over to him, cupping his face.

“I know, Cal. I know.” He didn’t need to explain. I understood him. It was simply unfortunate that I needed so much more than he could give me.

“I’m sorry.” He kissed the inside of my palm. “I just wanted you so much.”

He did want me, a lot; for sex, comfort and convenience and mostly, for everything else physical. Other than that, he couldn’t go further and that was the only thing that mattered the most.

The only thing that counted and mattered to me.

“Forgive me, Stella.” Callum held me tight. It was a desperate kind of hug, one which a person gives the other when he’s saying goodbye.

We needed space, although I didn’t know for how long. I didn’t want to be incommunicado with him, but it somehow felt like it was what he was aiming for. Even if he hadn’t voiced it out, I already knew.

“Don’t say goodbye to me. It would be cruel to see you only once in awhile,” I murmured against his chest. Not seeing him… and us going on with how things were for the last few years would affect me greatly. “We can try to be friends.” Please.

“This is the only way I know how, Stella.” He took a deep breath, inhaling my scent. “You can’t expect me to be friends with you, knowing how much I want you.” His nose buried further in my hair. “I’ll always want you.”

I knew this was for the best. Dammit, I knew it was, but I was being cut into two and I wanted the pain to stop. “The thought of not seeing you… it terrifies me.”

He cupped my chin, his thumb wiping the tear that escape from my eye. “Be with me then. I’ll be right next to you, for however long you want me by your side.”

“Callum, you’re not fair.”

“I’m begging here.” He pulled out of my hair and looked into me. “I’ve never begged before, but I’m beyond desperate to have you. It’s horrible without you.” He paused, throat bobbing before he found his voice again. His next move came as a surprise. Callum got on his knees, literally begging in the highest order. “I need you in my life, Stella. Stay and be mine again.”

Callum was giving me a make or break it decision and I wasn’t playing fair, especially knowing how I felt about him. He wasn’t allowing leniency, not even for friendship. He was using my feelings as a weapon against me. “Cal—”

“Please, say you’ll stay.”

I would, if he could tell me what I wanted to hear most. It was now or never. “Are you in love with me?” I whispered, breathless.

Something passed in his eyes and my heart plummeted when I realized what that look was. It was a look of retreat and regroup. He was thinking about how to respond to my question.

Callum took his time, gathering himself up on his feet again before responding to me. His dark, penetrating eyes commanding me to look at him. “I—” he carefully began, “deeply care for you. More than any woman after her.”

I didn’t even have the power to flinch because I had known what was going to come out of his mouth before he’d said it. Still, for him to confirm it, stabbed me into reality over and over again. Giving up on my loved ones wasn’t my forte, but I guess I have to learn how for the first time.

It took every ounce in me to give him a smile, which was full of love and understanding; that he didn’t need to explain to me why he cared deeply, why he couldn’t love me, or why he wasn’t capable of giving me what I wanted when I was more than willing to give him everything that I had. My present and my future, I wanted it to be with him.

How could I spend the rest of my life next to a man who was in love with another? True, sex would be out of this world. Not to mention that I would get to keep him all for myself. He’d spoil me to no end and I wouldn’t want for anything in the materialistic aspect… but could I accept that even though I had him, there would be times that he’d think about Zara? Wonder about her and what life could’ve been if she hadn’t done what she had? Did I love him that much that I’d be more than willing to sacrifice not being loved by the man I had chosen to be with?

The answer was, unfortunately, a resounding no.

My family had so much love to give. My parents were in love with each other and I wanted what they had. I shouldn’t settle for anything less. If I had to give my all to a man, I’d expect the same exchange.

Callum and I weren’t meant to be, simple as that.

My heart was in pieces as it cracked a little bit more inside.

The urge to dwell on my broken heart was too tempting, however I had to see this through and leave his house. My brokenness could be dealt with later on. Right now, I needed all of my will to say goodbye to him.

We were having a staring contest as he waited for me to give him an answer.

It took every ounce in me to gather the courage to walk up to him, knowing that this might be the last time, for a very long time, that I was going to see him in the flesh.

“Promise me that you’ll take care of yourself?” I pleaded, knowing his penchant for racing and whatever else could get his adrenaline skyrocketing towards pure euphoria.

His quick transformation was heart wrenching. It tore me up inside, but I didn’t have that much choice.

Callum slowly distanced himself from me. He became stoic. Unreachable. “Take care of myself,” he muttered, nodding. “Why bother with asinine attempts of niceties?” Dark eyes cut through me. “I think I’ve begged enough. If you want to leave, go. You know you’re way around.”

“That’s harsh.”

He made a careless shrug and then spun around, not facing me. Callum’s immediate detachment rankled on my threadbare composure. It hurt, but I knew he was purposely doing this to protect himself. This was his way of ejecting someone from his life; with a cold attitude and instant rejection.

“So this is it?” I lingered longer. For each second I stayed, it made me die a little bit more inside… and yet, my feet remained rooted, the situation unresolved for me.

“This was your choice, Stella, not mine.” He spoke with indifference. “But you may be right, it’s time we end this. I was getting bored, anyway.”

His back still faced me, so I took a moment and burned this into memory, seared him into me. I knew he said those words because he was angry, but it didn’t make any difference because it still managed to wound me.

“I’ll be heading out then,” I whispered as I darted his silent form another quick glance. I steadily strode into the hallway then out of the house.

Out of his life for good.

Someday I’ll love again…

Those words echoed into my broken heart. If that day ever came, I’d better be falling for a man who was capable of loving me as a whole because I wouldn’t expect anything less.

One thing I had learned with my short affair with Callum, though, it truly was pure hardship to force yourself to walk away when you had irrevocably fallen into the deep abyss of loving a man. To muster enough will and discipline yourself to turn your back on you heart, hear it break repeatedly and still remain intact and sane, was one of the toughest trials I’d had to battle.

Saying goodbye was the most difficult thing to do when my heart wasn’t ready to let him go.

This lesson would forever be scarred into me.