CHAPTER TWELVE
MAYA. I took a cab back home. I wanted to put distance between us quickly.
I hated the judgment in his voice. Especially after what we’d done. I’d exposed myself physically and emotionally, only for him to fling my bad behavior at me.
I stewed the rest of the day, and my phone remained ominously silent. Maybe now that he’d gotten fucking me out of the way, we could get back to reality. Anger circled around the raw vulnerability I had when I was with him. I wanted to wipe it out, bury it deep. But how could I when he had me pinned that way, stripping me with his own honesty? He’d said he loved me. If he’d been anyone else, I wouldn’t have believed him. I believed him. I had no doubts that he was falling as hard and fast as I was.
Yet, the hours of silence had me unsettled. I had no idea what he was thinking now, and I hated that I was on the defensive now. I sat with the rejection¸ slowly turning it to self-assurance, that I could stay ahead of this. I wasn’t going to let him run my heart into the ground this time. I couldn’t go through that again. I wouldn’t deny loving him, but I’d just dipped my toe in it. I wasn’t drowning in it yet. I could still save myself.
He called on my commute to work the next morning. I ignored it, and the handful of texts that followed. He’d let me sit with my resentment a little too long. Just before lunch, my phone dinged again. Compulsively I searched for it, too eager for another inquiring text from Cameron. Instead, it was Jia.
J: Pop into my office before you head out.
A nervous heat prickled under my skin—a mixture of shame and embarrassment that I was going to lose my job for my atrocious behavior. I tried in vain to focus on work as the last thirty minutes ticked by before I was supposed to meet Vanessa for lunch. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I knocked quietly on Jia’s door. I heard a muffled voice inside. Hesitant, I opened it. She was sitting at her desk, her fingers flying over her keyboard. She paused when I entered.
“Come in. Shut the door.”
I obliged, taking a seat in front of her desk. Her office was small, not nearly as opulent as Dermott’s. Still, it was an office, a space away from the communal drone forces of the bullpen, with a desk and a sitting area to the side where she could meet with people.
She finished up her email and turned my way. I rolled a number of apologies and excuses over in my head, unsure which to use because I didn’t know how bad all of this was on her scale of inappropriate behavior.
“Jia, I’m sorry about the other night. I got so drunk, I really wasn’t thinking clearly.”
She frowned. “Do you think that’s why I asked you here?”
My eyebrows shot up. “Well...yeah. I mean—”
“Seriously, don’t give it another thought, Maya. We were having fun. I had a blast. I mean, I wouldn’t go shouting it off the rooftops at the Christmas party, but it’s nothing to worry yourself over.”
“Okay. Thank you, for your discretion, I guess.”
“Likewise.”
She gave me a smirk and straightened some of the papers on her desk. Relief flooded me, followed by an unexpected uneasiness. How could she possibly think this was acceptable? I didn’t even think it was appropriate. Making out with one of the female VPs of the company in front of a pack of horny guys wasn’t exactly reputable behavior. It fell into the kind of impulsive behavior that only drunk-me could talk herself into. Though I’d never admit it out loud, I’d still known it was a bad idea under all the alcohol I’d imbibed. I’d possessed enough control at that point to know better and act differently.
Stunned by her nonchalant attitude, I sat silently, waiting for her to continue. “What did you want to see me about then?”
“This is about the deal. We’ll probably need you to stay late all week. Hopefully it doesn’t run into the holiday, but it might. You okay with that?”
“Sure, that’s fine.” I nodded.
“Great. I just wanted to make sure, because I don’t want Dermott getting pissy if you can’t come through on this. If you can’t, I can find someone else to chip in.”
“I don’t have any family to go home to, Jia. I have nothing to keep me away from finishing whatever needs finishing.” I regretted the admission as it left me, but I figured blunt honesty might work here. Family obligations were the number one excuse during this time of year. I figured I would assure her that wasn’t an issue.
“Okay, good. That’s settled then.” She sat back, her pen resting against her full lips. “How did things go with the guy anyway? You two disappeared pretty quickly.”
“Cameron. Um, they’re fine.”
Her lips lifted into a coy smile, her eyes glittering. “He’s the jealous type, isn’t he?”
“Seems that way.” I couldn’t exactly judge him for it.
“Well, I hope it all works out.” Her voice was soft, a little more cautious than it had been. No doubt she could read the angst all over my face when I spoke about Cameron. “You have plans for lunch?”
I glanced at my watch. “Actually, I do. Maybe tomorrow?”
She nodded, dismissing me with a wave. I grabbed my purse and headed to the elevators with the rest of the cubicle crowd. I stalled in the lobby downstairs and spotted a stressed-out redhead walking my way.
“You look pissed,” I said as Vanessa approached.
“Same stupid fucking shit,” she spat.
I cringed for her. At least as of late I had a little bit of opportunity to look forward to. Vanessa was locked into a seemingly never-ending cycle of running around after Reilly. He expected her to look happy doing it too.
We pushed through the revolving doors without a word. As soon as we were outside, my eyes zeroed in on Cameron. He was leaning against the street sign, his legs crossed at the ankle. Shit, why did he always look so good? I groaned inwardly as we walked his way.
He smiled and leaned in, kissing me on the cheek. I tensed, all too aware of our very public setting. Also, I was still pissed with him and his insinuations.
I took a safer step away. “Vanessa and I were headed to lunch. Do you need something?”
“Can I join you? My treat?”
He shot me a sexy smile that had my brain short-circuiting. I wanted to stay mad, but he was making it difficult.
I looked up to Vanessa. She shrugged, not seeming to care. I sighed, and we walked together to a nearby cafe.
“How’s corporate America doing today, ladies?” Cameron said as we settled down at our table with sandwiches.
I nodded to Vanessa. “You want to field that one?”
“Pretty simple, it sucks. Reilly seems to think that coordinating the entire fucking holiday party is my personal responsibility.”
“Ugh, I wish I didn’t even have to go.” I cringed at the thought.
She glared at me. “You better go, because I’m busting my ass on it.”
“I will. Dermott insisted that I go anyway.”
“Who’s Dermott?” Cameron asked.
“My boss. He’s a prick. Only a few notches below Vanessa’s boss, who is in the top echelon of corporate pricks.”
“Sounds like you two are living the dream.”
Neither of us could argue with that. Such was our life.
“When’s the party?”
“Thursday night.” Vanessa said before I could. “You should go with Maya. Would probably make it more tolerable.”
I fought the urge to snap at her. She was on edge, and she had no idea what was going down between Cameron and me.
“Sure. If Maya wants me to, of course.”
“I’m not sure if bringing an ex-boyfriend to the holiday party would really make a great impression.”
He noticeably grimaced. The dig had met its mark. Maybe he didn’t like that “ex” title either. A pang of regret hit me, but Vanessa spoke before I could smooth it over.
“Actually, being attached tends to work in your favor. I think I read somewhere that being married with kids makes you look more stable or something when it comes to promotions.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, I’m not sure I’ll be able to swing that in time for the party. Thanks for the tip though.”
Cameron laughed. Our eyes met for a second. I didn’t like what I saw there. Possibilities. Promises. Dreams we’d given up on. Vanessa’s phone rang, interrupting our brief moment.
“Hello?” Her whole posture had changed, her shoulders high and tense. Her eyes were seemingly fixed on some detail beyond our table as she listened. “Yes, I’m at lunch.”
A man’s sharp voice could be heard even muffled through the phone. She worked her jaw, rolled her eyes, mouthed the word “fuck” a few times. Then she plastered on a disgruntled smile. “Sure, I’ll take care of it right away.” She ended the call and gathered her purse. “Sorry, guys. I have to run out and take care of something for Mr. Wonderful.”
“Reilly?” Cameron cocked an eyebrow.
“You guessed it.” She pushed up from the table, her shoulders sagging. Then she brightened slightly. “I’ll see you at the party then?”
He shot a questioning look my way. I tapped my foot nervously, feeling cornered by how this was playing out. I couldn’t refuse without major awkwardness. “Fine,” I relented.
He looked up and smiled. “I’ll be there.”
Vanessa bid a quick goodbye and took off, trashing her half-eaten lunch on the way. I fidgeted nervously with my watch, wishing the long hand would move a little faster for once. I picked at my lunch, secretly wishing I’d gone to Delaney’s by myself instead. I could use a drink.
“I called,” he finally said.
“I know.”
“I texted too.”
I nodded, my gaze skirting past him.
“Do you want to talk about why you’re avoiding me?”
“Because I’m not rushing to the phone every time you want to talk to me doesn’t necessarily mean I’m avoiding you. It means I have my own life. Don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m your girlfriend now just because we’ve slept together.”
He nodded slowly. “Are you this cold with everyone you sleep with, or am I getting special treatment here?”
I sighed. I wasn’t going to like wherever this conversation was going. I’d underestimated how awkward things could be with Cameron. This is why I didn’t date, why I never let things go further than sex. I’d never had to justify emotional distance with someone I’d slept with. Of course Cameron broke all of those rules simply by being Cameron.
“I don’t usually have to be, because the terms are clear from the outset.”
“What are our terms, then?”
“Honestly, I have no idea, because they keep changing. We went from friends to—”
“Wait, this is friendly?” He leaned in, eyebrows high, and gestured between the two of us. “This isn’t how I imagine friends interacting.”
“Which is why this is a bad idea.” I threw my hands up and leaned back, wishing he could get on board with my doubts.
“I want to know why you feel the need to shut me out? Where’s the Maya I used to know? We were never like this, ever.”
I let out a short laugh. “I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the Maya you used to know is gone. If you’re holding out for that person to resurface from all of this, let me spare you the expense of waiting.”
“I don’t believe you. I think you’re hiding, and whatever you’re hiding isn’t gone forever.”
I crossed my arms against my chest. I hated his words. Every fucking one of them.
“When did you get so goddamn stubborn, Maya?”
I locked my jaw and glared at him, unwilling to give him anything. Except he was right. We’d never fought like this before. We disagreed and bickered sometimes. But we’d never been on different sides. Now, when we weren’t lusting after our memories together, we were fighting over them. Our relationship had become a battle, one that I was petrified of losing. He was digging too deep, trying to uncover a side of me I had no wish to unbury and willfully give to him.
“This isn’t what I want.”
He paused a moment, staring, as I dug in for the next round.
“No offense, but you have no fucking idea what you want until I start kissing you, and then I can guarantee that we both want the same thing.”
“This isn’t about sex. Trust me, I wish that’s all it was.”
He stilled. “Really?” His voice was too quiet.
“We can’t possibly keep this simple.”
“Why do you keep trying to when you know it’s impossible? I’m never going to fit into one of these frankly impossible categories that you place men into.”
Anger surged and I leaned forward. “This is me. This is my life. You can’t march in here and tell me who to be and when to love. If this is how it’s going to be between us, we should move on and save ourselves the heartbreak.”
“Wouldn’t a heart be required for heartbreak?”
Heat flooded me, dampening my hands, and suddenly the room seemed too warm.
“You’re right. I’m honestly not sure I have any left to break. You did a pretty thorough job of it the first time around.”
I tossed down my napkin. Sickness twisted in my stomach, annihilating any remnants of my appetite. I grabbed my things and made my way out the door quickly. I took brisk steps toward the office, anxious to return. Cameron caught up with me a few seconds later.
“Maya, wait.”
He caught my elbow, spun me to him, and pulled us out of the sidewalk traffic. I didn’t pull away. Deep down I didn’t want the physical distance between us as much as I needed the emotional space from him.
When my eyes met his, concern and frustration were written all over his face. “Why do you keep running away from me?”
“Why did you come here?”
My voice wavered unsteadily. I brushed away his touches, but he tugged me closer until we were chest to chest. He circled an arm around my waist, keeping me close.
“I came here because I missed you. I needed a minute to think, but I could feel you slipping away again. I didn’t want to wait around for days to talk to you, to know where things stood between us.” He sifted his fingers through my hair, thumbing my cheek.
“Is this really worth it? I mean, really? Haven’t we been through enough?”
He tipped my face to his. I opened my eyes, finding his burning intensely into me—steely and unmoved. “Stop with that bullshit, Maya. We are worth it. You are worth it. What we had, saving any of it is worth it. I can see that now.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Enough with the doubts.” The sharpness in his voice surprised me. “Enough with all of that. Figure it out in your head right now, because I’m not going anywhere. If you want to run, you need to know I’ll be right behind you.”
“But—”
“No buts. We’re doing this. I can’t promise it’ll be easy, being without you has been hell, so really it can only get better from here. I’m not letting you go this time.”
I struggled for breath and for the right words. He wasn’t giving me an inch. Physically and emotionally, I was in his clutches. I steadied myself against the tornado of emotion ripping through me, doubt among them. My lip trembled and I shivered, neither from the cold.
His voice softened when he spoke again. “I can’t undo what I did. But you need to know that I love you.” Sadness flickered behind the blue depths of his eyes. “You’ll never know how sorry I am for what happened between us. For what it did to both of us. And if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I will.”
I opened my mouth to speak. Resentment, regret, and a deep soul-piercing love—a soundless rush of emotion pulsed through me at his words. The damn broke, and the tears fell faster than I could stop them. I was breaking open. Everything was coming to the surface now, and I was bubbling over.
“What if it doesn’t work?”
“It will,” he insisted.
“You can’t know that.”
“All I know is that I love you, Maya. That needs to be enough.”
“Stop,” I begged. Everything he said ripped open another wound, exposed some raw feeling that I’d buried long ago. But I clung to my anger. I didn’t want him to be sorry. I wanted him to be terrible and smug so I could go on hating him, hiding my heart away in the safe place I’d always kept it.
“I meant it when I said it. And I know you still love me too.” He tightened his hold, gravel in his voice betraying the heart in his words. “You don’t have to say it, but I see it in your eyes. In fleeting moments before you try to pretend you don’t feel it, I see it.”
Small sobs escaped me, and I didn’t care who saw me now, breaking down like the kind of girl I never thought I’d be again on a busy New York City sidewalk. What the hell was this man doing to me?
He hushed me, kissing me sweetly. I weakened at the contact, breathless as I kissed him back.
“It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
I grasped at his coat, pulling him impossibly closer. Relief and embracing the love I felt for Cameron was on the other side of this. Deep down, I knew it. The person I wanted desperately to run from was the only one who could put me back together.