CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
MAYA. The home was well off the beaten path, a few miles outside of the quiet main street of the nearest town. We could have landed on another planet for how different it was from our usual surroundings. The sky was darkening quickly with the late afternoon.
We walked in and were greeted by a receptionist.
“Ruth Jacobs, please.”
The petite middle-aged woman manning the desk smiled. “You are?”
“Her granddaughter, Maya.”
“Ah, of course. Just sign in, and I’ll show you to her room.”
I did, and she rose, gesturing for us to follow her.
“She’s been doing well lately,” she said in a quiet tone, “but if she gets agitated, just buzz us and we’ll come rescue you.”
She offered a smile that was both hopeful and sympathetic as we paused outside of the room.
“Thanks.” I looked up to Cameron. “Did you want to come in?”
“I can go grab some coffee or something. I don’t want to confuse her since she won’t know me.”
“She won’t know me either, but that’s fine. I’ll come find you when we’re done.”
“Who is that?” My grandmother’s voice called from inside the room.
I turned toward the sound, hoping today’s visit would go better than the last. I mouthed a goodbye to Cameron before entering quietly.
She was sitting in a chair by the window, her lower half covered with a well-loved blanket that she’d crocheted decades ago. Her hair was pure white, cut short but curling at the ends. Behind her glasses, her eyes were a soft light brown like mine, like my mother’s too.
“Hi, Grandma.” I spoke softly and smiled widely as if we’d been friends all our lives. This usually worked better than starting out with awkward reintroductions that we’d only need to make again in a few minutes. I kissed her and sat in a chair across from her, leaning in so she could see me clearly.
“How are you?” she asked, playing along.
“I’m doing really well. I’ve missed you.”
“You too sweetheart. Did you say hello to Gus? He’s working in the yard.”
“Not yet, no.” I chose not to remind her that my grandfather had died years ago, not long before my mother disappeared entirely. Not to mention the grounds surrounding the facility were covered in a growing layer of snow now.
“We were about to go play cards with the Smiths,” she said, fingering the top button on her sweater. She straightened, as if she meant to take off for her social event at any moment. She always had an air about her, like she wanted everyone to know that what she was doing was important, even if it was weekly game nights with the Smiths. I struggled to think of something I’d want my grandchildren to know to elevate myself in their eyes. I couldn’t think of anything.
“Yeah? That sounds like a lot of fun. The Smiths are sweet people.” I vaguely remembered them from visits when I was a child.
“We go every Friday, you know.”
I smiled and nodded, letting her chatter on, telling and retelling the news that she thought was current and worth sharing. Gus’s arthritis had been bothering him, never mind the cancer that had slowly been working its way through his organs the last time we could share a coherent conversation. On top of that, Bernice Smith had insinuated that her zucchini bread was superior the last time they visited. I offered my support and scoffed at the audacity of her lifelong friend to outdo her in the baking department, only a little jealous that on my current track, I might never know how to bake anything.
She glanced outside for a moment. I studied her face. She seemed unchanged from the young grandmother I’d remembered playing dolls with when my mother was away working. Lynne had always tried like hell to make ends meet. Back before alcohol had stripped away her will to fight and survive, for us.
I’d given up trying to bring Ruthie up to speed on anything I was doing. Our brief and irrelevant talks had to be enough, and I hoped they gave her some comfort. I wasn’t sure how much the people here entertained her, but she’d always been talkative before she started losing her faculties.
She faced me again, her eyes searching mine. I was about to speak, to pick up where we’d left off when she frowned.
“Are you my daughter?”
I shook my head. “I’m Maya, your granddaughter.”
“I don’t have a granddaughter.”
“I’m Lynne’s daughter, remember?” I hated bringing up my mother’s name in front of her, but sometimes it was one of the only ways she’d remember me.
Her cheek twitched and her hands twisted a mangled tissue in her lap. “I know who you are,” she muttered, her voice lower. “I told you not to come back here. I don’t have any money for you.”
I sighed inwardly, sending up a silent prayer that I could turn her back. “I’m not Lynne, Grandma, and I don’t need your money, okay? You’re confused.”
“Don’t tell me I’m confused,” she snapped. “I know who you are. I’d know my own daughter. Stop trying to trick me.”
“Lynne hasn’t been here to see you, has she?” I held onto an irrational hope that my dementia-riddled grandmother could unlock the mystery of my mother’s sudden disappearance.
“Gus was always giving you money. We should have kicked you out when that boy knocked you up.”
I sat back into the hard plastic back of the chair, fighting the urge to snap back at her. She was a child in her mind, even less. I took a deep breath, making myself believe it.
“Do you want to do a puzzle? They tell me you like to do them.”
“That’s enough! Stop trying to trick me. You don’t fool me, you little whore. I told you not to come here anymore, and here you are. You’re embarrassing us.”
She shook her head violently, muttering a string of obscenities. Ironically, I’d never heard her curse until she’d gotten so bad that a home was the only safe place for her. I looked around the room, as if anything here could help me. She started shouting at me again, and I rose, warring with the part of me that wanted to defend myself and my mother against the harsh unfiltered judgments spewing from her.
As I was about to step out to get a nurse, the door swung open and Cameron’s frame filled the doorway. My body relaxed at the sight of him. His eyes flashed to mine and then Ruthie’s. He came closer, handing me a small foam cup and continuing toward her.
“Hi, Ruthie. Did you want some tea?”
She brightened immediately, as transfixed on his beautiful face as I’d been a moment ago. “Why, yes, thank you. I take mine with cream.”
“This one has cream.” He handed her the cup carefully before sinking down into the chair I’d occupied earlier. His shoulders shrugged slightly, as if he were trying to make himself seem smaller and less imposing in front of this frail woman.
“Do I know you?”
He smiled and introduced himself, holding out his hand to grasp hers gently.
I took a step closer, wondering if I might be able to reintroduce myself now that Cameron’s presence had officially dazzled her. Her focus turned back to me, her wide-eyed approval unchanged. I pulled up another chair by Cameron’s and sat tentatively.
“Is this your husband?”
My jaw fell agape as I searched for an answer somewhere between the truth and what Ruthie would want to be the truth. Never mind what I wanted to be the truth. I couldn’t begin to grasp the magnitude of my feelings about that yet.
“No, Grandma. He’s a friend.”
Her hopeful eyes softened a bit as she glanced between us. She sighed and took a sip of her tea. “That’s a shame,” she murmured. “He seems like a sweet boy.”
She looked up from her tea, captivated by Cameron again. “Is this your wife?”
He laughed quietly, and shook his head. “Not yet, Ruthie.” He leaned in and whispered, as if sharing a secret between them. “Do you think I could convince her?”
The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes deepened and she answered with a coy smile. Meanwhile, I tried my damnedest not to reveal the wild reaction that my body was having to their outrageous conversation. My hands stiffened and trembled around the flimsy cup, threatening to compromise its stability around the lukewarm contents.
“I think so. You seem like a wonderful young man, but you have to promise me something.”
“For you, Ruthie, anything.” He teased her with a crooked grin.
“You must promise to take care of her.”
“Of course.”
“Because she’s my only granddaughter.”
I’d managed to keep my frail emotions from flying all over the damn room for the next twenty minutes. Eventually, Ruthie let us know she was tired and going to take a nap. We both kissed her goodbye and left before she had a chance to wonder if we were coming or going. I walked ahead of Cameron, pausing at the reception area. The same nurse looked up from her reading.
“How was she?”
“Wonderful, actually. Thank you for taking such good care of her. She seems well.”
“That’s what we do.”
“I have a question, though.”
“What’s that?”
“Has anyone else been here to see her?”
She hummed and thought for a second. “Let me check, sweetheart. One second.”
A few agonizing minutes passed while she sifted through files in a cabinet in the back of the office. She returned with an opened file. “You’re the only one who’s visited her since she’s come in, except last month.”
She set a sign in sheet in front of me, turning it so I could read the name scribbled by her finger.
Lynne Jacobs.
My heart stopped. My trembling hands covered my mouth and the whole world seemed to stand still in that moment.
“Maya, are you okay?”
I reminded myself to breathe when Cameron’s hand warmed the small of my back. I nodded quickly, thanking the woman for her help. We stepped outside. Snow had started coming down hard.
“We need to head back now,” I said, walking briskly to the car.
“The roads are getting bad.”
I clutched my hands together, trying to still the tremble. “I need to get out of here. Cameron, I can’t stay here.”
“Hey, okay. Relax.” He tucked the windblown strands of my hair behind my ear, brushing my cheek as he did. “Is there a place to stay around here?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t deal with any of this now.
“Cam…just, whatever. Let’s get out of here.”
He guided me to the other side of the car. “Get in. I’ll be right back.” He ran back into the home and returned a few minutes later, revving the engine to life.
“What are we going to do?” I barely recognized my voice, it was so quiet.
“There’s a bed and breakfast down the road. We’ll stay there and everything should be clear in the morning.”
I nodded. Laurel Estates disappeared in a white haze, and before I knew it, we pulled into the drive of a large Victorian house, its windows illuminated with warm light as darkness descended on the stormy day. I followed Cam inside and the host led us to our room on the third floor, which seemed to be empty of guests. I didn’t imagine Laurel Falls was a major destination, but every town needed someplace to stay.
I dropped my purse and coat on the antique chair in the corner of the room. The room was quaint, containing a queen-sized bed and some simple furniture. I walked around restlessly. Outside the snow swirled through the air. Those could have been my thoughts, the flurry of emotions that whipped through me now. I wanted this storm to end. I was at the end of a cold hard winter, and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
My mother’s name scribbled on the roster of visitors flashed through my mind again and again. She’d been here. There was no other feasible explanation. Weeks ago, after years of nothing, she’d been here to see my grandmother. Had she really asked for money? Why didn’t she try to find me? Why hadn’t she come to me if she needed help? That’s what I’d been waiting for this whole time—a chance to help her. Where was she now?
A hopeless pain filled the hollow place in my chest. The anxious tremble had graduated to a penetrating shudder, and I couldn’t stop its course through me. I was unraveling. I surveyed the room, aware that we likely lacked some of the common amenities of a hotel room. The basket near the coffee maker held nothing but gourmet teas and coffee. They were of no use to me now. I opened the small mini fridge and relief filled me when I saw it was stocked with both caffeine and beer.
I grabbed one of the beers. When I stood, Cameron took it deftly from my grasp, his lips set in a disapproving line.
“What the fuck?”
“I need a drink.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. After last night, how can you even consider it?”
“I’m stressed out, okay?”
“About what? Seeing your grandmother?”
“No. You wouldn’t understand.” He wouldn’t because I’d never tell him.
“Then explain it to me.”
“Just...” I groaned, wishing he would back off and leave me be. “I need to take the edge off. I can’t possibly get far-gone. There are only a couple beers in there.”
He shook his head. A mix of sympathy and certain disappointment tightened the muscles of his beautiful face. I couldn’t have felt any worse.
“You’re talking to the man who carried your unconscious body up two flights of stairs last night. If you think I’m letting you get anywhere close to drunk tonight, you’re sorely mistaken.”
Panic rose, tightening my throat. The walls were closing in on me—Cameron’s judgments, my past, and the painful certainty that our future was doomed. Everything pressed down on me until I could scarcely breathe. I pulled on my coat and side stepped him.
I moved for the door.
“Wait.” He blocked my exit, staring down at me. “Why are you running off?”
“Let me go.” I could barely hear my own voice—a small and sad testimony to how I felt in my soul.
He grabbed the lapels on my coat, opening it at the chest and taking it off as swiftly as I’d put it on moments ago. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“Like hell I’m not. Let me go.” I wrestled out of his grasp, my coat flailing to the floor. My shoulders shook with the effort to hold myself together.
“You need to stop this shit, Maya.”
The abrasiveness in his voice sent a chill through me. I pushed at him, anger overpowering the pain that pulsed through me. I felt the brunt of the effort to move him away in my wrists when he didn’t budge.
“Who are you to judge me?” I pounded my fists on his chest, resorting to my last and only effort.
He caught my wrists, holding them gently but firmly enough that I couldn’t wrestle free or deliver another blow.
“I’m not judging you, goddamnit. I’m loving you. I give a shit. I’m sorry if no one else cares enough to tell you no, but I’m not going to watch you fucking drown yourself in booze.”
“I’m not asking you to do anything, except get the hell out of my way. This is my life, and if I have to water it down now and again, that’s none of your goddamn business.”
“You’re staying right here with me, so knock it off.” He loosened his hold on my wrists so I could step back.
I struggled to catch my breath. My adrenaline surged, every nerve alive. Anxiety and the steady pain I wanted so desperately to stamp out pulsed through my veins. Cameron was here witnessing all of it, fighting my impulses like some fucking warrior. I didn’t need a warrior. I didn’t need this brand of love.
“If this is you loving me, I’m not interested. You don’t know anything about me.”
His jaw tightened. “Because you give me nothing. You won’t let me in. I have to sneak around to learn anything about you. The poems… Christ, Maya, there’s so much more there that you never give me, that you never give anyone.”
My brain scrambled to catch up to his words. Then a different kind of pain hit me, like I’d been publicly gutted. Raw and exposed, I was on display for all to see.
“You…you went through my things?”
He shrugged, but the motion wasn’t casual. His posture was on edge, like mine. “They were sitting out. I read some of them.”
“That’s why you got me the notebook.” My eyes burned with threatened tears. “I can’t believe you’d… How could you read something so personal and think that was okay?”
A slow tear journeyed down my face. My hand went to my mouth to stifle the sound of my shock. His betrayal—because that’s what it felt like—weighed down the already crushing pain I was struggling against. What had he read? And God, why? Why had he pried? I scolded myself for being careless, for writing any of it down in the first place. Foolish, stupid words because I couldn’t keep my fucking emotions in check.
He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “The words... I think I know what you’re trying to say with some of it, a lot of it. I feel the same way. I want what we could have had. I need you to believe that it’s not too late for that.”
“It is.”
His eyes dimmed. “We can fix this. Together, you and I. It doesn’t have to be like this. This crutch... You don’t need it.”
A painful laugh tore from my throat. “A crutch... Right. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t ever ask you to be that for me.”
“Maya. I didn’t...”
His eyes squeezed shut, and I knew he remembered. Those terrible last words that he’d delivered, that well-aimed blow to my heart.
“I wish I could take everything back from that day,” he whispered. His shoulders sagged, his head bowed with defeat.
“You left me, Cameron. And now you want…what? My heart? The adoration that I once gave so freely? You want the satisfaction that after breaking me, you’ve saved me? There’s no saving me, okay? I can’t give you the person I used to be, even if I wanted to, because she’s all gone now. And, yes, sometimes I need to drink to put it all away. I don’t know how else to explain it to you, but right now, that’s what I need.”
I moved to the loveseat and sat. I circled my arms around my belly, leaning into the dull ache. I shivered, suddenly cold, a bone-deep cold deep in my soul that he’d never be able to fathom.
Visions of my mother haunted me anew. I’d kept her full of life in my memories. I never let myself visit the reduced person she might have become after all these years. She was still young, vibrant, and beautiful in my mind. I loved her with the selfish, greedy, and consuming love of a child. Her life had always been for me, and then suddenly, it wasn’t anymore. How could I feel anything but a devastating kind of rejection from it all?
That she’d reappeared under my radar cut through me. Years of worrying and taking responsibility for her disappearance were thrown in my face.
I hated her. I hated her as much as I loved her. She’d become an abstract, because she’d ceased to be real. The pain twisted in my gut, sore from my earlier sickness but still wanting the relief I so craved. Effectively trapped, all I could do was cry. I let the tears flow, praying silently for relief.
Cameron crouched down beside me, his hands on my knees then moving over my legs and up and down my arms, warming and soothing me. He hushed me until I caught my breath, wiping away the tears as they slowed. His touch was tender, melting my earlier rush of anger. How could he do that? With a touch, he could take me someplace else, bring me out of the dark confines of my mind, the emotional wasteland that my life had become.
I shook my head, grasping his hand in mine. I squeezed it, wishing he could take it all away somehow, every last shred of it. But why on earth would he want to?
“How could you possibly want to be with someone like me?”
I chanced a look in his eyes, afraid of what I’d find. The calm shadow of his blue eyes and the firm set of his jaw made a face void of pity, but full of something else, something unfathomably deeper. I couldn’t name it, but it rippled off him like a heat wave and seized my heart. I parted my lips and sucked in a sharp breath between them.
“I want to be with you, Maya, because we belong together. You may not believe it, but you’re strong and you’re beautiful, and we may fight like hell, but you’re mine. And now I want you to fight for us, for the girl who used to dream with me, who made me believe we could do anything together. I’ve never known what the future held, but I’ve never been able to stop imagining you were the person I’d go into it with.
He took a silent breath, his features softening slightly. “Please, Maya. I’m begging you to talk to me. Something happened back there. Tell me. Don’t keep me in the dark.”
I squeezed my eyes closed against a new wave of tears. I was losing it. His words cut through me, past the skin, right down to the bone, right down to the weak, scared, motherless person I hated to be.
“Maya,” he whispered, grazing my cheek with the warmth of his touch.
“My mom visited Ruthie a few weeks ago.” I shook my head. “There are things you never knew about me, Cameron.”
“Tell me.” He rose and sat beside me, his arm around me.
I brushed away the last of my tears and took a steeling breath.
“My mom and I... We never had much, but we had each other, you know? It wasn’t easy for her, raising me on her own, and when I left for school... Everything pretty much went to hell after that. She was always kind of a mess anyway, but without me to hold her down and give her a reason to stay put, she spiraled out of control. Boyfriends, drinking all the time, and though she’d never admit it, I figure drugs finally entered the picture. I couldn’t quit school though. I mean, I seriously considered it. But this is what we’d worked for, a better life, and I couldn’t just let it all go. I was determined to finish and get a good job, like we’d talked about, and I was going to get her out of whatever mess she’d gotten herself into. But I was too late...”
“What happened?”
“You left, and then...she left. Disappeared. I figured she’d moved again and hadn’t given me her new number, but days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I never heard from her. I filed reports. Nothing.”
“Christ, Maya. You never...”
“You were gone, but even if you hadn’t left, I’m still not sure I would have told you. You and Olivia, I never wanted either of you to know that side of my life, that part of me that was so far from perfect.”
“I’m pretty sure perfect means something different for you than it does for me.”
I shrugged. He tossed that word around too much. I wasn’t Olivia. I wasn’t the kind of girl you couldn’t wait to introduce your parents to.
Cameron tipped my chin, locking me in his stare and interrupting my self-defeating tirade.
“Did you think you really had me fooled into thinking you were like everyone else? I knew things weren’t all roses for you. I didn’t know exactly why, but I’d figured one day you’d tell me. I didn’t think it’d take five years though.”
“I couldn’t tell you.” I drew in a jagged breath at the memory. “Even when I was about to lose you, somehow I couldn’t muster the strength to tell you.”
I looked into his deep blue eyes. They seemed to light up the darkening room.
“You weren’t the reason I said no that day. I knew I needed to stay close, to take care of my mom. I couldn’t bear the thought of explaining to you then how marrying me would mean signing on for that part of my life too. But I wasn’t going to let her just slip away and out of my life either.” I shrugged. “She did anyway. I lost you both, trying to be the perfect girl for you and somehow take care of her too. I ended up with nothing.”
A sad laugh escaped me. I thought back to that dark time when all the purpose of my life had been ripped from me. Now my two reasons for living were back, in some way. I was still floundering, lost and fucking it all up. No closer to fixing anything than I had been the day Cameron left me. The tears dried cold on my cheeks and the heaviness was back, a thick suffocating kind of pain that only knew one outlet. I stared down at my hands tangled together to still the fretful tremble. Fuck all, I needed a drink.
“I need it to go away for a few hours, Cam. Everything will be better in the morning, I promise. I’ll be better. I won’t be like this.”
He gathered me close. My forehead fell to his chest, my body even weaker in the strength of his embrace. I wanted to disappear in his arms, to curl up into a protected little ball and forget the rest of the world. But I worried that wouldn’t be enough to stave off the kind of pain that plagued me now.
“Please,” I begged, praying Cameron would take pity on me.
“I’ll make it go away, okay?” he whispered, pushing the hair away from my tear-stained face. “Just stay with me.”
I looked up at him, desperate and so very lost. He held my cheek. His arm wrapped possessively around my waist.
“I want you, Maya. Your heart may be broken, but I still want it. And I may not deserve it, but I’ll wait for it, as long as I need to. In the meantime, I’m here. For tonight, let this be enough, just you and me.”
I exhaled a jagged breath and his mouth was on me, inhaling my relief. He kissed my lips, my cheeks, my eyelids, his fingertips tracing his path. Angling over me, he cradled my face in his palm, commanding me with his kiss. I responded the way he knew I would, hungry for the sweet taste of his tongue. We tangled and tasted, seeking more of each other until we were both breathless.
“Maya?” He pulled back, his eyes dark and serious. “Let me be the place you go to forget and wash it all away. I can take you there. I know I can, because nothing has ever made me feel the way I do when we’re together. No drink, no woman…no rush, risk, or cheap high does what being with you does. I want to make love to you until we can’t remember who we are. I want you drunk on nothing but us tonight.”
My heart beat loudly, a steady reminder of how I loved him, a state of being well beyond my control now. The picture he painted, I wanted that. I wanted to forget everything that had brought me so low and start over with him. I longed for the words that only our bodies could speak, for the force of a physical connection that might transcend everything that had come between us.
A simple nod was all I could manage before he lifted and lowered me to the bed. He covered me with the warm heaviness of his body. The relief was almost instant. My limbs weakened in his embrace. He kissed me, nipping and licking my lips apart, seeking my tongue and sucking gently. I moaned, my hips responding beyond my control.
He rose, unfastened my jeans, and pulled them down my legs. I sat up and tugged off my shirt, reaching next for his. He kicked off his jeans and came to me quickly, claiming my mouth.
My hands were restless. I grazed the muscles that bunched and released as he moved over me. I arched. I wanted him closer still. Impossibly close, until he was inside me, making me his. His hot skin burned against me, the twining of our bodies hungry with need. The sensations crept over me until my head was spinning with desire. The piercing pain of my reality ebbed, faded into the darkening room, until there was only Cameron.
“I love you.” The words fell from my lips before I knew what I was saying, what it meant, what I was giving up with the admission.
He slowed, his lips barely touching mine. The look in his eyes—intense and full of all the love I felt in that moment—branded me.
“I’ve waited a long time for that.”
“I was scared. I still am. I’m so afraid you’re going to leave, that you’re going to break me. Saying it...it’s like giving you the last little piece of me, the part that I can’t afford to give anyone.”
I paused, frozen with a fleeting apprehension that quickly disappeared. He caught my cheek and leveled our gazes.
“Someone could drag me to hell, and I’d crawl back to you, Maya, for a chance to make right everything that was ever wrong between us. Even I can’t tell you what’s happening with us. I’ve never felt this way. But believe me when I tell you I’m not going anywhere. I swear to you.”
With a sharp exhale, he crushed his mouth against mine. I moaned into the kiss, meeting his fervency, his love, his commitment. The way he kissed me was deep, devouring, as if he’d had his own demons seeking release.