CHAPTER FIFTEEN
MAYA. He’d stripped us down in seconds, sinking me onto the bed beneath him. He rested his hard body between my legs. His caresses were firm, almost calculating, and so slowly rendered that they filled me with an intoxicating anticipation. His lips teased a slow path across my skin.
Goddamn it, he owned me too. I loved him and fucking hated him, how he never gave me the room I needed to run. I grasped feebly at his shoulders, pushing him away and pulling him to me at once.
He moved over me, undeterred. Skin against skin, he worked me over with his tongue, his lips, and the edge of his teeth until I was trembling, mindless with all the ways I wanted him.
“Beautiful…perfect.”
The love in his eyes when he said the words gutted me. The lusty rasp in his voice had me desperate, as desperate as he’d been earlier.
“And mine. You’re mine. Every feisty inch of you.” His fingertips dug into my ass, grinding my sex against his cock.
“Stop.” I pushed at him again. His words were killing me.
“Never stopping.” He dropped his lips to mine again, nibbling and sucking my lower lip. “Never leaving.”
The thought of him leaving cut through me, an old wound exposed. Everything wanted to pour out of me when he said things like that. I wrapped my arms around him, trapping him against me.
“I don’t want to think about any of that. The things you say... I can’t handle it.”
His caresses slowed as I spoke. “I can’t tell you you’re beautiful? That I love you so much it hurts?”
Fucking hell. I squeezed my eyes closed.
“Just…just want me, Cam. It doesn’t have to be about our past or how we feel.”
He paused. “Are you trying to tell me to shut up and fuck you?”
I held my breath at the crude delivery, my body arching into his infinitesimally, a silent answer. “Something like that.” A jagged breath left me.
Is that what I wanted? Something that meant a little less, so my heart didn’t explode from everything he was telling me right now? I tightened the hook of my leg around his hip, urging him to me.
His body was frozen against mine. Hesitation and lust swam in his eyes. Yes. I wanted raw and intense. I wanted to be fucked, to disappear in the blinding surge of sensation that I’d known not so long ago.
“I’ll fuck you, Maya. Within an inch of your life if that’s what you want, but you need to know there’s more between us than that. I’ve lived that kind of life, believe me. A warm body is just that, a warm loveless body. You’ll never be that for me.”
His lips feathered over the wild beating of my chest, my heart pounding against its walls. I blocked out the sounds. My jagged breathing. My heart. His voice.
“I’ll take your body, but I want your heart, Maya.”
My nipples tightened, grazing against the hard planes of his chest as he slid lower, his arms tightening around my waist. He lashed the hardened tips of my nipples with his tongue, his eyes holding my gaze seductively. His heated breaths tantalized my wet flesh. He placed an open mouthed kiss on my belly, pinpointing the enflamed coil that tightened there. Heat shot through me and I wanted him everywhere at once. Over me, inside me, fiercely taking me until I lost all sense of myself, until I forgot what those words meant.
As if in reply to my silent longing, he grabbed my hip, jerking me lower until he hovered over me. I went wet at the hint of his strength. God, the things he could do to me.
I lifted my hips until the heat of his condom-clad erection slid between the slick folds of my sex. I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw, the tension seizing all of my senses. “Now, Cameron.”
“Look at me.”
My eyes flew open at the sharp command of his voice. Before I could speak he drove into me so suddenly that I whimpered at the fullness. I opened my mouth but words caught. He took my nape with his other hand, leveraging my body so firmly that when he thrust again, I swore he hit the very end of me.
“Is this what you want?”
“Yes.” I gasped, sucking in a sharp breath as I tightened.
“Every inch of me driving into you?”
“Oh God,” I moaned. I wrapped my legs around his strong thighs as if I could possibly control his strength with my own. The first of what was sure to be many orgasms took its hold, the slow ember of desire now a wild heat rushing over me as he powered into me.
“I’ll fuck you this way until you beg me to stop. I’ll make you scream, and you’ll feel the memory of me inside you tomorrow. Is that what you want?”
“Yes… yes...” The slow tremble that vibrated through me transformed into a violent shuddering at the uncensored promises falling from his beautiful lips. My physical reaction was answer enough. I kept my gaze trained on his, but struggled to maintain the contact as he found an intense rhythm that was quickly short-circuiting my ability to think beyond my instincts.
He kissed me passionately, tenderness giving way to an urgent fucking of my mouth. I gripped his hair tightly, arching in time with his violent undulations.
“This is me, Maya. Fucking you, loving you.”
He lifted my hips a few inches off the bed, driving into me at an angle that had the room spinning. I cried out, dragging my nails down his arm, unable to control the climax that had taken me over, heart, mind and soul. Our bodies melded together, my pussy tightened down on him. I clung to him, my hands slipping against the sweat on his skin.
I couldn’t let go, every part of me entwined with him. He kept on, burying himself deeply one last time with a strangled groan, my name on his lips. The sound echoed off the walls, disappearing like the lightening of our release.
I shivered at his breath on my neck, the aftershocks of the orgasm flitting through me with the slow return to coherent thought. That had been intense, but he’d certainly delivered on his earlier promise.
He kissed me softly, brushing the hair back from my face.
“Tell me you love me, Maya.”
My jaw tightened. The words rooted in my gut somewhere, tied up by all the confused emotions surrounding our new relationship. I wanted to tell him, but even in this warm post-coital bliss, something held me back. Pride, maybe. Saying it meant forgiving everything he’d put me through, handing over my heart for real. Fully entrusting him with it again. In a way, I already had, but I needed to be able to hold something back, even if it was those three little words.
He held me in his gaze, his blue eyes tired and full of emotion. “Why can’t you say it?”
I relaxed back into the bed, running my finger along the stubble of his jaw.
“Answer me.”
“I’m not ready.” No words were truer. I wasn’t sure when I would be, but I couldn’t give in to his simple request.
He brushed his thumb over my lips. “How about I make love to you until you do?”
My lips went dry, and I licked them. He captured one, sucking it into his mouth, nipping and soothing until I moaned. I tightened my hold around him, and he kissed me deeper, like he was pouring every ounce of love he felt into me.
CAMERON. She’d already left for work when I woke up. I put my suit back on and found my way into the living room. Eli poked his head out from the kitchen.
“Hey.” He waved.
“Sorry, I was just leaving.”
“You want some coffee?”
I hesitated, unsure whether I wanted to risk a post-mortem with her roommate. He seemed good-natured but Maya was giving me enough grief. Coffee sounded good though, and necessary. I’d kept us up most of the night. My body and brain were sluggish, but not enough to regret it.
“Sure, that’d be great actually.”
I tossed my coat down on a chair while Eli tinkered in the kitchen.
My gaze caught on the black notebook resting on the bookshelf. I remembered the way Maya had grabbed it from the table, holding it close to her chest like something precious. Eli appeared beside me then with a large steaming mug.
“Thanks, man.”
“Sure. I figure we all need a little boost this morning.”
I rubbed my forehead. “Uh, yeah, sorry.” The apartment was small, and I had little doubt we’d kept Eli up too. I’d gotten all manner of dirty words pouring from Maya’s lips last night and into the morning except the one admission I’d really wanted from her. God, was she obstinate.
“Whatever.” He shrugged and settled back onto the couch. “Things getting serious with Maya, I take it?”
I moved my coat and sat down in the chair. The steam rose in tiny billows from my cup, disappearing into the air. How could I answer that?
“Getting there. She sure as hell doesn’t make it easy.”
Eli smirked. “She’s a pain in the ass.”
“You’re not kidding.”
“You love her though.”
“I’d like to think that was enough. She’s...” I blew out a breath. “I have no idea what the hell goes on in that mind of hers, Eli. I thought I knew her. I did. I mean, I knew her. Inside and out. The looks, the gestures, I could read her like a book. That’s not all gone, but this fucking warped philosophy she has on relationships is all new.”
Eli took a sip of his coffee and regarded me silently.
“She’s been through a lot.”
I nodded. Eli would have known the whole story. Hell, he probably knew more than I did. Who was I to complain? I’d created this whole damn mess.
“No need to remind me. I put her through hell and I probably deserve all of this.”
“Maybe you do, but maybe you both deserve a chance to make this work again. If you can figure out how to make that happen without hurting her again, you have my blessing. She’s my best friend, and I can see that despite everything, she’s happy with you. That’s all I want. To see her happy.”
“I’m trying. She doesn’t make it easy.”
Eli stood up and came closer. My grip tightened around the mug. I hoped he wasn’t going to try to hug me or something. He leaned over and grabbed the notebook off the shelf. He handed it to me, his lips in a tight line.
“Tell her I gave it to you, I’ll hunt you down, and they’ll never find the body.”
We shared a wordless stare before he disappeared into his bedroom. I set down the coffee cup and contemplated what I might find between the covers of the book. The notebook was light in my hands. Curiosity and pure desperation to find some clue to Maya’s carefully guarded thoughts spurred me. Carefully I opened the book, flipping through the nearly filled pages. Page after page of words, poems, doodling. I closed it again.
I stood up and paced the room. If this were anything like a diary for Maya, what I was about to do was unconscionable. Could I do this? Maybe just one page... could one page tell me something? Anything about this woman I was falling hopelessly in love with again.
I sat back down. I finished my coffee and let the minutes pass. Finally I opened the book and began to read.
Yes.
Every day, no stone unturned
A promise of more
Happy days and long nights,
Of love and living,
If I’d said yes.
Picket fences, cherub faces,
every dream realized
if I’d said
yes.
Second chances play out in a dream,
because I couldn’t
say yes.
With shaking hands I turned the page. There were dozens more. I could barely make out the words because the meaning behind the poem I’d read was swimming through my mind. Jesus Christ. I brought my hands to my face.
I’d spent days trying to dig deeper, to find out who Maya had become. A surge of hope spurred me on every time I got a hit, and now this. A fucking avalanche of feelings. And I wasn’t reading into this. I’d spent the past several hours trying to fuck the feelings out of her, and this notebook held the truth. Some of it, most of it maybe.
I stood quickly, unable to speak or formulate a single coherent thought. How could I possibly after reading that? I paced the room, wishing Maya were here so I could hear the truth straight from her lips. Would she ever give me that much? I wanted to search those fathomless brown eyes for some acknowledgement of what this meant, of everything we ever felt that had gone unsaid. The dreams I’d only shared with her, the plans we’d made for our future that could only be realized with her, no one else.
I replaced the notebook on the shelf, grabbed my coat, and rushed down the stairs. Stepping outside, I relished the painful, sobering burn of the cold air filling my lungs. I looked in the direction of my apartment and took the first steps of what I knew would be a very long walk in the opposite direction.
MAYA. Tonight was Christmas Eve. The team had thinned out until only Dermott, Jia, and I remained. We’d finished, just under the wire. As much as the holiday didn’t mean much to me, I’d hoped we could wrap up and finish early. I was exhausted and wanted to go home to Cameron. Last night had been intense. Exhausting and intense. We never used to fight, but this new version of us did. I fought and he fought harder. Then he silenced me with the kind of passion that I’d never known, the kind of wild crazy love that took us straight into the dawn. He was relentless, tireless, like he was breaking me down in his own way.
Whatever he was doing to me might have worked too. I couldn’t think about anything else. He was like a really good drug that I’d had the good sense to stay away from until now. He was in my blood, and fuck if I didn’t need him again already.
I sank back into the club chair in Dermott’s office, trying not to think about how I’d rather be rushing back to see Cameron than taking a minute for a celebratory drink now that we’d finished.
“Scotch okay?”
Jia’s lithe figure swayed toward the bar in Dermott’s office.
“Sure.” I sighed. I scanned the room, appraising the size and decor—dark woods, clean lines, and an impressive view of the glittering night sky. I tried to imagine myself here, sitting behind the enormous executive desk or looking out over New York from our forty-third floor vantage. I couldn’t imagine it. Perhaps the prospect was simply too far from the reality I was living. It certainly didn’t align with any dreams I’d had for my life before coming here.
Yet this was what I was working toward, wasn’t it? Jia was, and she was taking me along with her. Would respect and a title make all this worth it? The long nights, the years of being passed over? My tired delusions about my professional future were interrupted when Jia lowered an engraved tumbler into my grasp. “Here, drink up.”
“Thanks.”
She stood across from me, leaned against Dermott’s desk, and sipped her own. She seemed softer, younger. How, I wasn’t sure, because we’d just wrapped up a marathon workday. She smiled as I assessed her silently. There may have been an inkling of mischief in her eyes, but I was probably seeing double at this point.
“Tired?”
I closed my eyes for a second. “Glad to be done, I suppose.”
“Cheers to that.” She raised her glass and I met it with a clink.
I took another slow sip, appreciating what I knew had come from an expensive bottle. I swallowed, savoring the smoky burn.
“You did great this week, by the way.”
“Thanks, you too.”
“I wasn’t sure what to expect, but now that I’ve worked with you, I can see what an asset you’ll be. I think everyone can see that now.”
“You think so?” I beamed a little.
“Absolutely. And if they can’t, I’ll make certain they do.”
“Thank you, Jia. This was an amazing opportunity. You went out of your way for me. I realize that, and I hope you know that I appreciate it.”
“I’m happy to have done it. Perhaps you could return the favor sometime.”
“Of course.” To repay a gesture such as hers would go without saying. She’d taken a risk for me, not knowing me, and I would do whatever I could to do the same for her one day.
As I committed to that in my mind, Jia held out her hand to me. I hesitated. She curled her hand up toward her, urging me to take it. Once I did, she gave me an upward tug. I stood, taking an unsteady step closer until we faced each other.
“What?”
She hushed me, placing her finger on my lips.
“I want to finish what we started the other night.”
My eyebrows shot up. Before I could speak, she moved closer, bringing her mouth to mine. Shocked by her boldness, my lips parted instantly to suck in a breath. She took the chance to kiss me deeper, seeking out my tongue with her own. Catching my cheek in her palm, she coaxed me closer still.
“What are you doing?” I gasped, breaking our contact.
“I’m kissing you.”
“I know. I’m not sure why.”
“Because you’re beautiful, and I’m attracted to you.” She traced a line down the buttons of my blouse. “And Dermott wants to watch us.”
I went wide-eyed, my heart racing with panic and confusion. I hoped I’d misheard her. “What?”
Her brow wrinkled. “Maya, do you want to be promoted?”
“Obviously.”
“Then, relax.” She started on the top button of my blouse. “We’ll make it fun, okay?”
“Jia, I can’t do this.” I jolted back, out of her grasp. Her hands fell down.
“Is this about Cameron?”
I fumbled for an answer, thoughts whizzing through my mind. “Maybe.”
“He never needs to know. Plus, you can’t let him tell you what to do.”
“This is insane. Kevin will be in here any minute.”
“He will, and we’re going to give him a good show. You’ll like it, Maya. Then he’ll do his thing, but don’t worry, that never lasts too long. You’ll be all blissed out from me making you come to even notice anyway.” A dark smile curved her lips. “You do this and we might both get promotions.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
She rolled her eyes, her sultry voice hardening again. “He’s bored.”
“He’s married.”
“Oh, who cares? You think half these guys don’t fuck around? Anyway, he’s never seen two women together. We’re hot, we like each other, and he gets off. Everyone wins. If we’re lucky, he’ll come in his hand before he can put it in either of us.”
My mouth opened wordlessly.
“Ladies.” Kevin’s voice echoed through the room as he entered “Don’t let me interrupt you.” He closed the door behind him and loosened his tie, tossing it to the side. Undoing the first few buttons of his shirt, he sat leisurely on the adjacent chair. His legs were wide and casual, and he bit his lip. He gazed up at us with an obvious hunger. The sexual voyeur who I used to think of as my boss was now waiting with waning patience for Jia to start the show.
“Where do you want us, Kev?”
He nodded to the desk. “Right there. I want to fuck her on it after.”
My heart beat rapidly, my head swimming in a sudden dizziness. This was too much. For starters, I wasn’t drunk enough to remotely consider this. Secondly, this was my job, my livelihood we were talking about. I didn’t gamble with that.
With no signs of hesitation, Jia started to unbutton her silk blouse while I tried to get a handle on the proposition she’d just landed on me. In a matter of moments she’d slipped off her skirt and stood before me, clad only in dark lavender lace under-things, her thighs decorated with lace topped stockings. She went for the buttons on my blouse again and pulled me into another kiss. Her lips were rougher, more demanding this time, blinding my ability to think clearly.
This wasn’t happening. This could not possibly be happening. Jia was beautiful, a friend, sexier than I’d given her proper credit for. Sure we’d had our moment at the club, but I hadn’t really thought of her like this. We’d just been having fun before, but this was far beyond the boundaries of our friendship.
I darted my gaze around the room, wishing someone could save me from this totally fucked up situation. Dermott readjusted himself, his eyes never leaving us. A wave of nausea hit me. This was eleven shades of wrong. I tensed, resisting the urge to push her off of me even though that’s all I could think of doing.
“What?” she whispered.
I shook my head slightly, hoping the motion was imperceptible to Dermott. She hushed me again, her frown disappearing with a slow, sexy smile. She slid her hand between my legs and pressed against me through the fabric of my pants.
“I won’t bite, I promise,” she whispered.
I took a step back, leaving her at the desk. With shaking hands, I fumbled with my buttons, trying to pull myself back together.
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. I couldn’t find the words to say anything else. I turned and left. Rushing toward my cubicle, I struggled with the last buttons on my blouse. The office was empty except for the cleaning crew that hadn’t made its way to our part of the floor yet.
I went to my office to grab my purse and stopped suddenly when Cameron was sitting at my desk. He was doodling on a notepad, his legs outstretched, filling up the small workspace with his large frame.
He looked up with a bright smile that quickly faded as he assessed me. A second later Dermott was there, unaware of Cameron’s presence. He looked irritated and somehow determined. Before he could speak, Cameron rose.
“What’s going on here?” Cameron’s voice barely hid a rage that I sensed was growing rapidly below the surface.
Dermott straightened. Cameron was wearing a thermal henley that highlighted the strength of his chest. A detail that was no doubt noted as Dermott quickly recovered himself.
“Nothing at all,” he rushed. “Maya, I just wanted to let you know that there may be a few minor details left on the documents that we need to clear up tomorrow. I’ll email you if anything comes up.”
I stared at him, nodding slightly. Was I going to play along with this? Dermott turned back and disappeared into the darkness toward his office where Jia was probably still getting dressed. Or not. A wave of guilt hit me that I’d left her there to fend for herself.
I fastened the last button on my blouse, threw on my coat, and reached around Cameron to grab my purse.
“You want to explain what the fuck is going on?” His jaw worked, and his eyes were wide with the anger that rolled off of him now.
“Let’s get out of here.” My voice was quiet, hiding the embarrassment of being caught in the midst of this totally fucked up situation.
We hadn’t left the block before he stopped us. He turned to face me, leveling his eyes with mine.
“Talk. Now. I need to know what the fuck went down in there.”
I searched for the right words, failing because I was still trying to figure it all out myself. I hated how it looked on the outside. He was obviously furious. I had no hope of explaining this one away as a non-sexual late night rendezvous.
I eyed him warily. He looked even bigger and broader in his coat. If I didn’t love him so much, his sheer size might scare the hell out of me.
“It was nothing,” I insisted.
“Like hell.” His breaths came slow, billowing in the cold air. “You need to tell me what the hell happened in there before I lose my fucking mind.”
I sighed, looking around nervously. I didn’t want to have this conversation with him, now or ever. I wanted to pretend this whole thing had never happened. I squeezed my eyes closed and decided to go with the truth.
“Jia came onto me.”
When I opened my eyes, a confused grimace pinched his features. “Jia? I don’t understand.”
“She and Dermott wanted me to…” I shook my head, trying to shake off the uncomfortable new memory. “I don’t know. Let’s talk about this later, please.”
“No. Why was your shirt unbuttoned?”
I threw my hands up. “She unbuttoned it!”
“You didn’t say no?” He shoved his hands through his hair, his jaw working anxiously.
“Well, not right away. I didn’t know what the hell was happening! She kissed me out of the blue. I was confused.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
I gasped. “What kind of question is that?”
“I don’t know. Are you, like, a lesbian?”
“Oh my God, did you get concussed in the military? Kissing a girl doesn’t make me a lesbian. I was stunned by what was happening. Not like I fucked her. Jesus.”
“Would you have?”
“Did I? I ran out of there and the decision, which wasn’t really a decision, probably cost me my job. I’ll be shocked if I don’t have a pink slip on my desk when I go back next week. Why were you there anyway?”
“It’s Christmas Eve. I thought you’d finish up early and we could get dinner. I guess that’s shot.”
I dropped my head in my hands, exhaustion taking hold over my mind and my body at once. “I’m sorry you had to see any of that. I have no idea what to make of it. Dermott…” I groaned and fought the surge of panic that welled at the very real possibility that I could lose my job over this debacle.
“Dermott, your boss?”
“Yeah.”
His eyes narrowed and his breathing slowed, the overall effect being predatory, and not in the seductive way I loved. I dropped my hands in my coat pockets, glad I could hide the dampness accumulating in my palms. The whole situation was wreaking havoc on my nerves.
“So if Jia was unbuttoning your shirt, what was he doing?”
I tapped my foot roughly against the pavement. I hated this. I hated everything about this conversation. No matter how I relayed the truth, he’d be furious, with them and very likely me too. No one was good enough for Cameron, not even me.
“Maya. Talk. Now.”
“He watched,” I blurted. “Until I ran out. Everything happened really quickly. They had this planned out, and I think I ruined it. Maybe…maybe she thought I was going to be more receptive to something like that because of that night at the club. I don’t know. She said if I did it, we’d both get promotions.”
I laughed at the incredulous notion that I’d fuck a friend on my boss’s desk for a promotion. Heaven help me.
“Mother fucker.” The muscles in his jaw bulged and he pivoted in the opposite direction.
“No, no. Stop.”
“I’m teaching that asshole a lesson.”
“Cameron, no!” I screamed.
He stopped, allowing me to circle in front of him. I put my trembling hands on the panels of his coat.
“If I don’t lose my job over this, it’ll be a small miracle. Let’s not hasten the inevitable, okay? Let them fire me first, okay?”
“Did he touch you?”
“No, I promise. He never touched me. I ran out of there as soon as I figured out what was going on.”
“Christ, Maya.” He gritted his teeth and pulled away.
I weakened at the separation. The waves of his rage were rolling over me, crushing me. “Why are you angry with me? This wasn’t my idea!”
“I warned you about her, for starters. Secondly, did it ever occur to you that drunkenly making out with someone from work might have perpetuated this?”
He held my gaze. Anger was there, but also disappointment. A sickness rooted in my gut as I followed his unspoken thoughts.
My lips tightened into a firm line and I avoided his eyes. Those eyes that crushed me with the simplest, purest look of disdain. I inhaled a shaky breath, but it wasn’t enough to restore what that look had taken away.
“It did not occur to me because I haven’t had a moment to even make sense of it, and here you are, attacking me, turning this into something that’s my fault.”
I stepped away quickly and hailed an approaching cab.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going home. Alone.”
I hopped in, shut the door, and locked the door before he could reach for the handle.
“Drive,” I ordered the cabbie.
“Where to?”
“Delaney’s on Pearl.”