CHAPTER FIVE
MAYA. “Do you want to explain to me what the hell that was all about?” I started as soon as we cleared the exit from the gym.
Eli sighed dramatically. “Here we go.”
“You completely sabotaged me in there!” I had to keep myself from screaming at him as we made our way back to the apartment.
“You ran into your ex. It’s not world news, okay? Get a grip.”
Rage pulsed through me. “And you basically pushed me into a private work out with him, and somehow I’m supposed to be totally fine with getting drinks with him and his brother tonight?”
“So what, Maya? You’ve been moping around all week since you found out Cameron was in New York. You obviously still have feelings for him. Why don’t you give it a chance?”
“Give what a chance? What we had is over. I’m attracted to him, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go running into another relationship with him. And who knows if that’s even something he wants?”
He rolled his eyes. “Right.”
“Right…what? What does that mean?”
He turned toward me. “Outside of my own personal experiences, I’ve never actually felt chemistry between two other people. Until today. The freaking air crackled when you two saw each other. Whatever is going on between you is so obviously more than you’re making it out to be. I just gave you a little shove in the right direction.” He swept his hair away from his eyes. “Maybe you’ll thank me one day.”
I stopped in front of the apartment, too irritated to take the next steps up to the entrance of the brownstone we shared with a handful of other tenants. “This is not a game for me. You’re supposed to be on my side, Eli.” My tone was low, my voice thick with emotion. This situation with Cameron was taking me on an emotional roller coaster, and somehow Eli was driving the ride.
“You’re not even on your side. Do you know how difficult it is to live with you and your self defeating attitude sometimes?”
“Well no one’s forcing you to stay here. It’s not like I’ll miss the rent that you never pay me,” I snapped.
His jaw dropped. The silence that fell between us was almost painful.
“Wow.”
I was about to speak, somehow soften what I’d just said, when he beat me to it.
“I’m going to grab some groceries for dinner and try to forget you just said that. I’ll see you back here later.”
“Eli…” My shoulders slumped as he walked past me.
I cursed and made my way upstairs and out of the cold.
Despite feeling energized by my workout, I sulked most of the day. Eli and I barely spoke, though he made his movements around our small apartment known. I tried to ignore him every time he slammed a door a little too hard, made a clatter putting the dishes away, or sighed a little too loudly. If I was self-defeating, he was classically passive aggressive.
I tossed aside a book that wasn’t grabbing me and looked out the window. The streets were empty, the trees that lined them now barren. The dead of winter had come early this year, with the kind of cold that borders on painful the second you step outside, the kind of cold that made me wonder why I came here, of all places, after school. Though I had no way of knowing, I wanted to believe I was close enough for my mother to find me if she needed to.
I opened my laptop and a new tab in my browser. I typed Lynne Jacobs into the search bar and scanned the results. I checked all the usual places where I thought I might find her—police reports, regional news, and finally the obituaries. I had no way of knowing where she could be, if she were even alive.
No less than six months after things ended terribly with Cameron, I’d lost touch with my mom. We rarely saw each other after I’d left for college, but we always kept in touch somehow. Then the phone number I’d had for her was disconnected. At the time, I panicked, angry and scared that I’d never bothered getting contact info from her newest boyfriend, or even the address where she’d stayed last. She moved around so often, I’d stopped keeping track, figuring she’d always circle back and find me wherever she landed. I closed my eyes, seeing her face. I’d never forgive myself.
“Find anything?” Eli’s voice was soft when he settled beside me, glancing over my shoulder to the screen.
I shook my head.
“Truce?” he said.
I shut the laptop and shifted closer, pulling him into a tight hug. True enough, I’d taken on the brunt of our shared expenses, but my friendship with Eli had been my lifeline in so many ways—ways I could never put a price on. I’d lashed out at him in a moment of weakness, and he didn’t deserve it.
Having Cameron in my life again was sending me into an emotional tailspin that I had no control over. I could almost visualize the past and future colliding. I simply wasn’t the person I used to be, sentimental and lovesick and profoundly in love with this man. I’d given up on love after a few unsuccessful rebounds. Nothing held a candle to the love I’d shared with Cameron, and in the end, I decided to stop wasting my time. I didn’t date, and I didn’t fall in love.
Yet I couldn’t shake the sinking feeling that bringing Cameron back into my life could challenge me on both fronts.
CAMERON. The minutes ticked by as I waited for her to meet us at the bar. Every time we met seemed like a gamble, a chance that could be easily missed. And I didn’t want to miss any more chances. The attraction to her was fierce enough, but the void I’d lived with for so long wanted to be filled, more than ever now that I’d seen her again. Self-preservation told me to run hard in the opposite direction, but deep down, I knew I wanted her back somehow.
The problem was I had no idea if that was something she might want too. I could have been reading all the signals wrong, but surely she couldn’t deny that outside of the breakup and its aftermath, we had something worth salvaging. Not just the sex, though that had been remarkable, but simply being together had always been great. I’d never been so at ease, so fundamentally happy with another person. We were comfortable with silence, comfortable with ourselves. Not like now. She was a beautiful mystery to me now, and I was putting myself out there in a way that had every alarm going off, and not in a good way. With every word, I was waiting for her to say no again—no to friendship, to seeing me ever again, or to something more that I still wasn’t sure if I wanted.
I strummed my fingers on the bar, twisting around to scan the room in anticipation of her arrival.
“Relax, man. You’re stressing me out.”
“She’s my ex. If anyone’s stressing out here, it’s me.”
Darren broke his concentration on the televisions above the bar. “You think you’ll hook up?”
I shot him an annoyed look. “Are you fucking serious?”
Darren went wide-eyed. “Uh, yeah?”
“You really need to try out an actual relationship sometime. I can barely hold a conversation with you.”
He laughed. “A couple weeks living with Liv and you sound exactly like her now.”
I sighed and leaned back into the bar stool. He might have been right, but he was also being an idiot, as usual.
“Maya isn’t some random girl you pick up and take home.”
“What kind of girl is she then?”
“She’s someone I have history with. I was ready to marry her. Obviously that complicates things.”
“Why? You haven’t seen her in years. She’s smoking hot, and if she’s into you, why not? You really need to loosen up, man. How long has it been since you’ve been laid?”
I took another sip of my beer, refusing to get sucked into another inane conversation.
“That long, eh? How about this? I’ll give you one week to get Maya into bed, and if you can’t bite the bullet, then you’re letting me hook you up with some people I know. This celibacy thing isn’t working for you.”
“I’m not celibate, and if you’re talking about hiring a professional, you can fuck off right now.”
He laughed loudly. “You worried you can’t seal the deal in a week?”
A subtle charge went through me at the challenge. Maya wasn’t a conquest, at least not a purely sexual one, but Darren had a way of capitalizing on our non-stop competitive natures. “I’m not worried about that, no.”
“You probably want to romance her and shit though. See if she’ll go steady with you first?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Maybe I’ll give you a week and then I’ll give it a go,” he prodded.
I fisted my hand in my lap, anger simmering through me. “Maybe you should mind your own fucking business. I’ll sleep with her when I’m good and goddamn ready. You even think about touching her and I’ll kill you. Understand?”
A glint of mischief passed over Darren’s eyes. His gaze shifted past me and his smile widened. “Hey, Maya.”
I swiveled in the chair to find her standing by my side, her light brown eyes glimmering under dark lashes. I had no idea how much she’d heard, but if she’d heard any of it, I couldn’t imagine what she’d be thinking now.
“Hey.” She stood frozen in place. “Am I interrupting something?”
“No.” I pulled out the stool for her to join us. “I was about to haul Darren into the street and beat the hell out of him, so you arrived just in time. Saved by the bell, I guess.”
“Or by the lovely ex, in this case,” Darren quipped, his eyes lighting on Maya.
I was kicking myself in the ass for letting Darren coordinate this meeting. Now I’d have to contend with him being an asshole all night. As if all of this wasn’t difficult enough.
The comment earned a small smile from Maya, and she lifted herself onto the stool. She ordered a drink. I took advantage of her distraction to look her over. She looked good, dressed casually, but nice. A dark blue sweater dress, the hem of which rested mid-thigh, showing just enough of her sheer stocking-sheathed leg to make me want to see more.
“You look great, Maya.” Darren’s voice mimicked my thoughts.
“Thanks.” Maya flashed him, and then me, a smile.
Everything seemed to go out of focus except her when she looked up at me then. That moment of levity was swiftly interrupted.
“Cam, how come you never told me Maya was drop-dead gorgeous?” Darren said.
I released a breath that hissed between my teeth, resisting the urge to rip him off his seat and set him straight right now. “Darren, you want to go harass someone else for a while so we can catch up?”
He grabbed his beer and slid off the stool. “Sure thing, bro. You can take it from here.” He slapped me on the back and winked at Maya before making his way toward two women positioned at the far end of the bar.
I seriously pitied them.
“What was that about?” Maya took a slow sip of her freshly poured martini.
“Darren was just being ignorant, as usual. Don’t mind him.”
“For complimenting me?”
“No, of course not.”
I wasn’t about to give her the full history on what an irritating ass he could be, or the fact that his only goal was to expedite his little brother getting laid.
“You did well this morning,” I said, hoping to change the subject.
“Thanks. Working out isn’t really my thing.”
“You should come in more. I could get you into a pretty good routine.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I work a long day, and frankly I just need to unwind with a drink after.”
“Exercise works just as well as a nightcap, trust me. ”
She laughed a little. “Somehow I doubt that.”
“Try me.”
Her eyebrow went up at the challenge.
“Give me a week. I’ll show you how to use your body to work off stress, blow off some steam, and I guarantee you’ll sleep like a baby and have more energy the next day.”
A slow flush worked up her cheeks, and I realized that my trainer spiel sounded a little different in the context of speaking with someone I’d once slept with. Despite Darren’s taunts, I wouldn’t mind using her body to blow off some steam either. I sat back in the stool, forcing my thoughts in a different direction. God knew, after overhearing the tail end of my conversation with Darren, she probably already thought I was only out to fuck her. I silently wished for an easier way to go about this. There probably was and I was too out of practice to figure it out.
“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” she finally said.
“What do you mean?”
The last of the martini slid into her mouth. She moved the glass away and swiveled in her seat to face me. She straightened her shoulders. “You said you wanted to be friends.”
“Yeah.”
“Is that really true? I hate to kill the mood here, but I just need to know what I’m getting into. I mean, I run into Olivia one day, you track me down at work the next, and now here we are. We could keep dancing around this for the next few weeks if you want, or we can lay it out right now. If this is about sex and you’re just interested in a hook up, you can tell me that. I’m a big girl.”
I blew out a breath. Shit, she’d never been this direct before. “Are you saying you’d be open to having a sexual relationship with me if that’s what I said I wanted?”
She didn’t flinch. “Not necessarily, but at least I’d know what your intentions were. I heard the tail end of whatever you and Darren were talking about. Something about sleeping with me when you’re good and ready?”
I winced, cursing Darren and his big stupid mouth. “I’m sorry, Maya. I really wish you hadn’t heard that. He was egging me on and...” I cursed, shoving my hands through my hair. There was no way to regurgitate that conversation in a way that didn’t make us both sound like grade A pricks. “I don’t have a hidden agenda, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
She shut her eyes and shook her head slightly, her expression softening. I relaxed a little, hoping she was going to let me off the hook for that slip up. I really, really hoped that’s what was happening. Otherwise Darren was going to get a beating of a lifetime.
“Honestly, I don’t know if I can even be friends with you, Cameron. Nothing was simple after you left, and maybe some of that is still unresolved for me. Being around you is mixing it all up again, things I put away a long time ago. I’m not sure I want that in my life right now.”
I couldn’t speak for a long time. She’d dropped a lot on me, and as usual, I wasn’t prepared for any of it. These impromptu reunion meetings were not my forte. How could I blame her though? I’d left suddenly and severed contact. We didn’t even have a chance to fight it out. So much had gone unspoken between us. I turned to face her, trying to rapidly collect my scattered thoughts.
“If we’re being honest adults, then I’ll admit that being around you now makes me feel like I want more than friendship. But you’re not the only one who’s worried that even considering it is a terrible idea.”
She nodded, her gaze cast to the ground. Her body language was so subtle, a slight hunch in her shoulders, a sad kind of aura settling over her features. My heart twisted at the thought of her hurting, especially because of me. I reached out, grazing the curve of her cheek.
“I still care about you, Maya. That’s never going to change.”
Her gaze flew up to mine, her eyes like warm caramels. She could always captivate me with a look. Her lips parted. The fear in my gut dissipated, replaced with the urge to hold her, to make her believe it again. That pull was returning with greater force each time we met. An inexplicable energy drew me to her, to her lips and her body. I wanted us so close that neither of us could think straight. But I couldn’t rush us into that.
“Why don’t we just try to get to know each other for a while? It sounds strange to say, but it’s been a long time and I don’t know you that well anymore.”
“I’ll save you the suspense, Cam. I’m not the girl you used to know. My life is...different.” She waved her hand, returning it to rub her forehead anxiously. “Just a hunch, but I have a feeling we have very different lifestyles that even friendship may not be able to accommodate.”
I nodded. The fear that we’d already grown too far apart rooted in my gut, but I pushed past it. I couldn’t give up before we’d even started. That was worse than disappearing from her life years ago, a mistake I intended to rectify if given the chance. “We’ve both changed. That’s obvious.”
“Maybe it’s not a good idea to go down this road right now.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I mean, we can stay in touch. Facebook or whatever.”
“Fuck Facebook.”
She laughed. “Okay.”
“Start by seeing me at the gym next week.”
She looked away for a minute as if she were restoring her resolve. “You really think you’re going to get me to work out every day?”
“Give me a week.”
“No cocktails?”
I hesitated a second. “No cocktails.”
She canted her head to the side. “Says the guy holding an empty pint glass.”
“This is an exception. Darren coerced me here. The bar isn’t really my scene.”
“Now I know why he calls you old man Cam.” She gave me a crooked smile. The gesture saved me from bristling at Darren’s insulting moniker for me.
“I don’t find mingling with random inebriated strangers especially fulfilling, no. I guess that makes me old.”
“I’m not a stranger.”
“No, you’re not,” I said quietly. Her long bangs fell across her forehead, resting on her eyelashes. I wanted to reach out to her again, to remind us both that we weren’t strangers. Even if it felt that way sometimes.
“Okay, I’ll do the workouts, but I’m reserving the right to a nightcap,” she said, lifting up her finger to make her point.
“You breaking the rules already?”
She quirked her lips. “Are you going to be a stickler?”
“Old man Cam. I have a reputation to live up to. Plus I’ll have a better chance of converting you to a paid gym member if you experience a full week of healthy living.”
“And what if I decide that your workout regimen isn’t cutting it?”
“It will.”
“Your confidence is noted, but shouldn’t there be some sort of counter effort after I bust my ass and deprive myself for a week?”
I shrugged, unconvinced that she’d possibly feel that way by the time we were through.
“How about I take you up on this proposed week of fitness hell—because I can already see that it will be—and then we can celebrate my way. I can show you how I blow off steam and you can tell me how they compare.”
I was intrigued. “How do you blow off steam?”
“I dance.”
“Uh, okay. Where?”
“There are a few clubs I go to with friends. We toss back a few and dance all night. It’s a great workout. But I guess that’s not your ‘scene’ either.”
“No, not really, but I’d like to be fair. And I wouldn’t mind spending some more time with you, so let’s do this.”
She raised her refilled glass to my empty one, which seemed fitting.
“Are we toasting?” I laughed.
“I think it’s only appropriate that we do. Having little faith in your ability to convert me into a gym rat, I’d feel better if I bookended this experience with some vodka.”
I raised my glass and clinked it with hers. “Cheers, then.”
“To new memories.” She tipped the glass to her lips.
MAYA. The waiter sat us by the window and the steady rush of traffic outside held my attention until Jia spoke.
“So who’s the guy?”
I gave her a blank stare. “Who?”
“I mean the one who had you pressed against the building the other day.” Her lips curved into a secretive grin. “I was having lunch across the street when you came back.”
I couldn’t see myself but I knew I’d turned beet red. Mortifying just wasn’t the right word. “Oh, God. I’m sorry. That was—”
She laughed. “I don’t care. Looked pretty intense, actually. Is he your boyfriend?”
“No. An ex.”
“That’s always interesting. You getting back together?”
I bit my lip and glanced across the restaurant, wishing the server would return so I didn’t have to divulge any of my confused thoughts surrounding Cameron’s reemergence into my life.
Rejecting his advances that day had been easier than it was to push away from his attempts to simply spend time with me. Letting him get close was too natural a reaction. I could almost fool myself into thinking we were young and in love again, that nothing or no one else mattered. Only I had no interest in falling in love with anyone. The mere thought of it scared the hell out of me. So did simply eliminating Cameron from my life again, even though that seemed like the only way to keep myself safe from any potentially painful fallout.
Maybe taking him up on his offer was an emotionally reckless thing to do, but I wasn’t ready to see him walk away again. Plus this could be the shove I needed to get my ass into shape, and staring at his beautiful body wasn’t a bad way to do it.
I looked back to find Jia waiting for my answer. “We’re catching up, I guess.”
She smiled. “I see.”
“Not like that. I mean, we haven’t seen each other in years, and we realized that we live in the same neighborhood. I guess I’m seeing how it goes, getting to know him again. I’m not really looking for a relationship though.”
“I can see that. Not like work isn’t consuming enough. I don’t really have time for dating either. Serious dating anyway.”
“Seems like you’re doing really well at the company.”
She nodded, but I wanted to know more.
“You’re young to have come as far as you have, Jia. I hope you don’t mind me saying that.” I hesitated as the words left me, briefly regretting them. She was being blunt asking me personal questions though. Plus she’d invited me here, not the other way around, so I might as well see what she was made of. The server came to take our orders, delaying her response, which made me even more nervous.
As soon as he left she spoke. “Not at all. You’re saying what everyone is thinking, and I realize that. It’s not easy being a young woman in this field. Plus if you’re attractive, everyone assumes you’re fucking your way to the top.”
I bit my lip, not wanting to let on that everyone I’d talked to about Jia had had something to say about her rumored history at the other firm. People were so shallow. Was that what I wanted if I ever managed to crawl out of my cubicle and get promoted? People speculating on the cause for any success I earned?
“I know I’m younger than most of my male colleagues, but I’m not here to make friends,” she said. “This is my career, and I intend to keep it moving forward, no matter what.”
“Me too. I just want to get the job done. But that never seems to be enough.”
“It isn’t. You have to play the game. There’s no way around it.”
My heart sank. She’d confirmed what I’d believed to be true and had refused to engage in for years now. “Don’t you find the politics tedious?”
She shrugged and lifted the water glass to her lips “Not really. I consider it part of the job. You have to know what you want, and more importantly, you have to know what other people want. That’s the key.”
“How do you mean?”
“Look around yourself, Maya. Look beyond the numbers. Look at the landscape of the company and the people who make it up. Have you gotten to know anyone who you work with? Any of your superiors?”
“Not really. I do my job. That’s what they want, isn’t it? I thought you said people shouldn’t be here to make friends.”
“You listen. Good.” She smiled. “But no, they don’t only want you to do your job. Different people want different things. If you venture outside of your comfort zone a little, eventually you’ll find the connections that will open doors.”
“Right.” My thoughts went to people like Dermott, my boss, or Reilly—hard and focused men who barely noticed people like Vanessa and me unless they happened to step on us. I wasn’t sure I wanted to open a door that they were on the other side of.
“Consider me one of those doors.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“I like you, Maya, and I’d like to help you, if you’re open to it.”
“Help me?”
“This is your career too. I’m assuming you’d be open to having a mentor, a friend?”
“Well…yeah. I mean…” I didn’t quite know how to accept or acknowledge such a blatant offer of support. Jia seemed shrewd and charismatic. Being able to call her a friend was an intriguing opportunity all its own.
“Good.” She smiled and reached out, feathering her fingertips over the back of my hand before returning to her meal. “I’m glad we did this.”