“The core of a man’s spirit comes from new experiences.”
Jon Krakauer~
“It won’t be easy,” Declan said for the third time since I’d arrived at his loft.
“Stop worrying.” An impossible task for him. “Paige and I… we got this.” I leaned against the doorway to their master bedroom with my arms folded across my chest as he gathered a few articles of clothing and shoved them into his duffle bag.
One of the babies cried, and from the high pitch of it, I knew it was Royal. Indie didn’t cry much, but when she did, it was usually soft and sad. Declan’s shoulders went rigid, and he dipped his head. He scrubbed his hand down his face and then slowly turned to me, anxiety etched around his furrowed brows.
“We’ll be fine,” I repeated with a reassuring smile. His exhaled breath was a shot to my ego. I could handle two babies, besides, Paige was here to help. “It’s one night.”
“The first night.” His light blue eyes, the ones that usually matched mine, went vacant, gray, and for a half second, I wondered if it was panic or his voices that had him wound so tight. “I’ve never left them for this long… overnight,” he whispered.
“I’ll take care of them, this sale is huge. You guys need it.” I pushed off the frame of the door and took a few steps into the room. Declan watched me, his eyes gradually filling with life again.
“I’ll be two hours away, if anything… if you need… if she—”
“I’ll call you immediately.” I gripped his shoulder and chuckled. “It’s one night.”
“You don’t get it.” Declan swallowed when he noticed the flash of hurt that shadowed my eyes.
I got it. I always got it. Declan suffered. His depression, his voices, his life—his day to day was a damn roller coaster. And leaving his children, and Paige, even if it was just for one night to sell some of his paintings, even if the money would set them up for the next six months, they were his safety net, better than any psych medication he could ever take.
“Paige has been really low lately, the doctor said it was normal for the first two weeks, but Indie and Royal are five months old. I don’t know what to do, Kieran. I love her so much, and it fucking hurts to watch her go through this. She says the painting helps, and I can tell she’s getting better, but some days are harder than others, and I—”
“Maybe this is good, big brother. You need a break just as much as she does, and I’ll do everything I can to help her tonight. In the morning, Kelly is coming over with Liam, we’ll watch the kids so Paige can go to lunch with her friend, Lana, right?” He nodded. “She gets a break, too… You guys tend to isolate,” I said with humor. “We’re here to help, always have been, always will be.” I squeezed his shoulder and then dropped my hold with a smile.
“Thanks. Just make sure you take the night-time feedings. I made sure there’re enough bottles in the fridge, and she showed you how to use the bottle warmer?” He cocked his brow when I hesitated.
Shit. Bottle warmer. Couldn’t be that hard. “Yeah, like I said, I got this.”
His laugh was more doubtful than anything. “Every three to four hours, so just two feedings, that’s if they both sleep through the night. Paige needs to sleep, okay, please... just make sure she sleeps.”
“Bottle warmer, two feedings, sleeping… shit, Declan, I can handle it.”
“Is he stressing out again?” Paige asked from the doorway with a smile.
My lips stretched in response. “When isn’t he stressed?” Declan exhaled an annoyed breath at my statement.
Paige’s laugh was light as she floated into the bedroom. She had on a loose-fitting, long-sleeved dress made of an army green t-shirt-looking material. Paige’s light blonde hair was down, the color of the dress made the strands almost glow. She looked thinner than the last time I saw her, but she was still beautiful. Both of my brothers hit the jackpot when it came to their women, and I wondered if I’d receive the same luck. An image of Melissa in that black dress flashed inside my brain and my smile widened.
Paige stood in front of Declan and wrapped her arms around his waist. He pulled her close and lowered his chin, leaning toward her. I felt a little uncomfortable. The way they watched each other was private, intimate, and, without being asked to leave, I took the hint and started for the door. Just as I was about to shut it, I heard Paige say, “I’m feeling better, Declan. I never wanted to make you worry, but I promise you, I’m almost myself again.” Declan sighed as if the relief of her words spilled from his lungs.
Envy was a sin, but I coveted my brothers’ lives. The good times they had, the hard ones, and even the dark ones, I wanted it all. Every damn day, I coveted them, and I was tired of beating myself up about it.
As I made my way to the open living area of the loft, I pulled my phone from my pocket. It was time for me to take a leap, take a step forward regardless of how afraid I was of the fall.
Me: I never got a good morning…
I pressed send and slid my phone into my pocket, refusing to stare at it like a damn junkie. I didn’t know Melissa, but hell, I wanted to. After she’d left the party the other night, Kelly had told me that Mel could be closed off. Kelly had said that she “knew there was a story there” and that I “needed to be patient.” Melissa was the first girl since high school to really pique my interest. Patience wasn’t hard for me. Being a twenty-seven-year-old virgin was like graduating from the University of Patience, and I was the valedictorian. I’d count as many breaths as I had to in order to get to know her better. I needed to believe that God doesn’t do anything by accident. I couldn’t shake the feeling I was meant to know her… in some capacity.
The twins were in the living room lying on colorful mats with toys hanging over their heads. Indie was squeaking and Royal was crudely waving his little fists.
“Hey there, my favorite peanut.” I kneeled down briefly to pick up Indie. I raised to my full height and held her up into the air with my hands. Her smile was small but bright as I dangled her a few inches above my head at an angle. She smiled down at me as I lowered her and sat on the couch curling her into my chest.
I shouldn’t have a favorite of the twins, but since the day she was born, Indie had captured me. Wrapped me around her finger. Maybe it was because she was so quiet, like Declan. Silence was an art, and growing up in such a loud world, a little peace and quiet went a long way. My childhood home had never been quiet enough. Everyone thought because I was the baby, I hadn’t noticed the roar of tension. Liam and my father had always been a collision of sound. But Declan, he was just like Mom, ease personified, darkness and stars. I loved both of my brothers, and without each other, I don’t think we would’ve survived. But it was Declan’s ability to really see me, see through the very soul of a man that made him special, and little Indie was no different.
“I think I can handle you,” I whispered and her fingers wrapped into the fabric of my shirt.
“She’ll fall asleep, you know, and then she’ll be up all night.” Paige’s lips were sly as they reached her eyes.
I lifted Indie into a sitting position, sat her on my knee, and replied with a smile, “I can’t help it that she always falls asleep when I hold her.”
Declan eyed me as he lifted his bag over his shoulder. “You coddle her.”
“She’s my favorite.” I shrugged.
Paige laughed. “You’re horrible. You’ll give Royal a complex.”
“Nah, Liam always buys him all that Harley crap, so someone has to give this poor peanut some attention.” I smirked.
“She gets plenty,” Declan said as he walked toward me. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head before raising his eyes to mine. “Remember, let her sleep.” He spoke softly so only I was able hear him.
I nodded my head in silent agreement. Declan must have been satisfied by my response because he turned and kneeled onto the floor where Royal was playing. He scooped him up and stood, bringing his lips to Royal’s cheek. He squealed as Declan buried his beard-covered face in the crook of his neck with a growl. Paige’s gentle giggle lifted my lips into a smile as she approached them.
Royal grabbed a fistful of his father’s beard, causing Declan to chuckle as he uncurled Royal’s fist and said, “I might need to shave my beard off, Royal’s hell bent on ripping it out.”
Paige frowned. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” She balked as she took Royal from Declan’s arms. “You better get going, and call me when you get there.”
“I will.” Their lips met, and again I dropped my eyes briefly, but my smile held.
Declan domesticated and happy was an interesting sight. Tattoo-covered arms and hands, paint-stained fingernails, from the outside you’d never know what a great father he was. What a great man he was to Paige. He’d told me shortly after the babies had been born that he didn’t want to push Paige, and that she’d told him marriage was something that belonged to her past life, that they shared something more powerful than any piece of paper. And watching them in this moment, smiles and warmth—it was as sacred as any Mass I had ever attend.
“So, Kelly said you met a girl?” Paige asked as she plopped down onto the barstool in the kitchen. Exhaustion written in the way her shoulders sagged.
I shook my head. “No privacy in this family.”
Her laugh was breathless as she pulled her hair into a bun.
“That smells amazing.” She nearly sang the last word, and I was grateful for the distraction. Melissa still hadn’t texted back, and I’d sent the message well over an hour ago.
“Jade’s has the best fried rice and cashew chicken and… everything. I hope you don’t mind I ordered for you?” I asked as I scooped rice onto one of the paper plates I had laid out earlier while she was putting the kids to bed.
“I don’t mind at all. I’m just happy they deliver.” Her smile was genuine as she watched me fill her plate.
“I could’ve helped you give the kids a bath. Declan said I had to help as—”
“You did help. You ordered food. And you’re taking night feedings. You’re here, and I’m grateful.” Her cheeks filled with color. The blush getting deeper as I held her stare. “Did he… tell you I… I’ve—”
“I can’t imagine how hard it is to raise a kid, let alone two, at the same time. You’re doing… you both are doing the best you can. I don’t know much about childbirth, but going from no kids to two in the blink of an eye, I think anyone might get a little stressed from time to time.” I glanced up at her briefly and then continued to fill my own plate once the embarrassment faded from her eyes.
“You always say the best things.” She popped a piece of chicken in her mouth and groaned.
I laughed as I sealed the to-go containers. “It’s good shit, right?”
She mumbled a “yes” around her mouthful of food.
We ate in silence for the next several minutes. Her on the stool, and me standing on the other side of the breakfast bar. It felt a little weird, if I was being honest. Paige wasn’t like Kelly, she chose her words carefully, only let you in bit by bit and, not having Declan or the kids around as a buffer, I wasn’t sure what to talk about.
She swallowed a few more bites, and when she looked up at me, the creases around her eyes deepened. “You should sit down.”
“I’m good. I sit all day at work.” I gave her a smile, but her brows dipped farther anyway.
“You never answered my question earlier.” I dropped her gaze. “Kelly said she introduced you to a woman she used to work with, how’d that go?”
I inhaled a deep breath and met her stare. Her features were soft, waiting, not prying, and I figured it might help to have some womanly advice. “Yeah, she seems cool. I had a good time with her at the party.”
She laughed. “Declan said Liam is still moaning about Kemper puking in his bathroom.”
“Be happy you guys weren’t there, it got ugly after that.” My smirk broke into a full, face-splitting grin, as she laughed hard enough she snorted.
“Sometimes having kids as an excuse to stay home is kind of nice.” She filled her fork with rice, but before she raised it to her mouth she asked, “Does she have a name?”
“Who?”
“The girl.” Paige’s tone was a mix between irritation and anticipation.
“Melissa.” I liked the way her name sounded in my own voice. How it hung in the air like it had always been there. Like it belonged to me.
“And have you called her?” she asked around a mouthful of rice.
“I texted her a couple of times, once today, but she hasn’t—”
Just as I was about to say she hadn’t texted, my phone vibrated against the granite countertop. I didn’t want to hope but…
I unlocked the screen and her name danced across it. A slow smile began to build at the corners of my mouth.
“Is it her?” Paige’s voice was filled with the same kind of excitement that had begun to grow inside my stomach, spreading its roots of warmth throughout my body.
I nodded, and when I lifted my eyes from the counter, Paige was standing. “Well… answer her.” She picked up her half-eaten plate and walked around the counter. A huff of laughter escaped my lungs as she shoveled her leftovers onto my plate. “I’m going to take a shower, then probably go to sleep. I’ll give you some privacy.” Her smile was kind.
“It’s just a text message, Paige.”
“It’s how it all begins, though, isn’t it? It’s the best part.” Her sea-glass eyes sparkled. “Say something sweet… women like sweet.” She shifted her eyes to the counter. “First feeding is at midnight. The instructions are by the bottle warmer. If you need me—”
“Piece of cake, go relax.”
She bit her bottom lip. “Relax,” she mused. “I… I don’t think I would’ve been able to be alone tonight, I’m glad you’re here.”
“Anytime,” I said as the sadness crept its way back into her eyes.
“Don’t tell Declan I said that. He can’t… he shouldn’t worry about me.”
“I won’t.” But I raised my eyebrows. “You know he’ll never stop worrying.”
“I know.” She swallowed and gave me a shy grin. “Text her, and thank you, Kieran, for everything.”
She turned and disappeared down the hall before I could really respond. My eyes drifted to my phone. I wasn’t sure why I was hesitating, maybe I was scared of her rejection. Or maybe I was just scared of her. Scared of how she was burning through me too quickly, of how all I could think about was touching her, and the fear that if I got the chance, I wouldn’t know how, that I would disappoint her. Lust and innocence were enemies and I was no longer on neutral ground.
My mouth had become a desert as I picked up my phone and opened the messages.
Melissa: I admire your persistence.
The beat of my heart echoed within the hollow of my chest. Pushing, beating, breaking against my sternum. Four words, and I had no idea how she felt. Was she flirting? Was she telling me to fuck off? Persistence…
I wet my lips and tapped out my response.
Me: She is the light, and I am the shadow that chases her dawn.
My thumb hovered over the send button. I reread the sentence once, twice, maybe seven times. It was how I’d felt when I saw her that night when I’d walked through Liam’s front door. She’d been beaming, beckoning. Her warm skin, her open eyes rimmed in black, a siren, and the first break of day I’d seen in so long. I pressed send and took pleasure in the thought of her having my words. My lonely words that sat on plain pages without eyes to read them. I wanted her to have my words and, as I set my phone down, I let the feeling drop low into my stomach. That free fall I was high on, I would enjoy it.