“He held her happiness safe in his hands, but what would happen to her smile if his fingers began to shake.”
A.M. Johnson~
Overall, I’d say I was a laid-back kind of guy. I’d grown up the youngest of three boys and had grown used to taking things in stride. I wasn’t one to worry, but after the weather had turned the city into a giant snow globe again, and my tenth text message to Melissa had gone unanswered, worry wasn’t an adequate word for the steady pressure building behind my sternum.
Questions picked at my brain, eating holes through my concentration. Had she made it home safe, did she get stuck on the freeway, was she stranded, had her battery died, or, I cringed at the likelihood, was she blowing me off? The way she left this morning had alarm bells ringing in my ears, but I swallowed it all down, pushed it into that little compartment in my head and breathed. Like always, I tried to use logic, like any man, to quell the panic brewing inside me. But it was seven-thirty, and even if she had been stranded, she would have been home by now. A cop, a Good Samaritan…
The bell over the front door jingled and a gust of frigid air and snowflakes gushed into the waiting room. Kelly’s high-pitched squeal made me laugh as she removed her scarf and shook out her hair with her fingers.
“Shit, it’s cold,” she grumbled.
I chuckled from behind the front desk. “Welcome back to Utah winters, sister-in-law. Missing California yet?” I asked.
She scowled. “No… maybe a little.” She peeked around to the back of the shop. “But don’t tell Liam.” Kelly gave me a conspiratorial smirk and I laughed.
“I’m not that stupid.” I stepped out from behind the desk and gave her a bear hug. She giggled, and when I tightened my hold on her she squeaked.
“Can’t… breathe.”
I released her from my usual assault. She wasn’t much of a “hugger” so I tried to hug her as much as possible. It pissed off Liam and made her laugh… it was a win either way.
“What are you doing here?” Liam’s voice was half aggravation and half relief.
“I came to pick you up.” Kelly smiled as he kissed her cheek, and I went back to my desk to give them space.
“I could’ve taken TRAX home, just like I took it here this morning, it’s fucking dangerous out there. You didn’t need—”
“I was on my way home from Irene’s, Liam, it’s no big deal, besides, TRAX is running really behind. A few stations are buried in the snow.”
So much for reliable public transportation. I looked down at my desk and tried not to glance at my cell phone again, but I somehow managed to stare at it regardless. No flashing indicator light, still no message from Melissa.
“Buried?” He exhaled a rough sigh. “No wonder this place has been empty all day.” Liam shifted his glare to me. “You mind locking up? I think it’s safe to say we’re closed.”
Liam and I had opened the shop, but told everyone else to stay home. Declan wouldn’t have left Paige and the kids anyway, and everyone else lived far enough away it wouldn’t have been worth it to drive here.
“I don’t mind.”
“You sure, don’t you have a date?” Liam asked and I averted my eyes, hiding my disappointment.
“I’m not sure. I can’t get a hold of her.”
“Of who?” Kelly asked.
“Melissa.”
“Yeah?” Kelly’s smile was short-lived.
“She left here this morning, and I’ve texted her all day and she hasn’t replied.”
“She hasn’t responded?” Liam asked, the worry in his eyes matching mine.
“I’ll call her,” Kelly said and pulled her phone from her purse.
Liam and I waited as we watched her dial and then raise the phone to her ear. I kept telling myself it was nothing. And as much as it would suck, I hoped she was just blowing me off, because the alternative…
Kelly lowered her phone and glanced at Liam before she looked at me. “No answer.”
“Shit.” Liam turned his attention to the front window and I followed his gaze.
The storm was a solid white wall.
“I didn’t think it was that bad this morning,” I said to no one in particular.
The slight panic in my voice must have been evident because Kelly responded, “I’ll stop by her place on our way home.”
Liam whipped his head and gave her a scowl. “The fuck you will, doesn’t she live in North Salt Lake? There is no way in hell—”
“What if…” Kelly swallowed. “Liam, I’m worried now.”
Liam grit his teeth and shot me a furious glare.
“What?” I asked. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m worried, too.”
“Then you go check on her.” He ordered.
“Me?” I shook my head. “No way, I don’t even know where she lives.”
“Kelly can tell you.” Liam turned to his wife. “You can give him directions. It’s his girl, let him deal with it.”
“I’ve been on two dates with her, Liam. I’ll look like a fucking stalker.” I shoved my hand through my hair.
“She stayed the fucking night, little brother. I think knowing where she lives is paramount.” He blew out an angry brush of air and turned to Kelly, ignoring my embarrassed expression.
Kelly didn’t need to know my damn business.
“I can give you her address, Kieran, but I’ve never been there.” Kelly spoke softly, breaking through the cloud of testosterone like a beam of sunlight. “I have her application in my inbox. Give me a second, and I’ll pull it up.”
“You don’t think that’s weird, me just showing up at her place, I mean… what if…” The thought lodged in my throat making it difficult to speak without sounding strained. “What if she’s not answering on purpose?”
Kelly’s smile was soft. “She would’ve answered my call, and if you’re worried, she’ll think it’s sweet you checked on her. Maybe her battery is dead, or maybe it’s nothing at all, but with the weather as bad as it is, I think you should just stop by, make sure she’s safe.”
“I’m going to grab my shit from the breakroom.” Liam’s tone was less irritated now, knowing that he wasn’t going to have to drive up north in a blizzard.
Kelly was busy with her phone when I lifted mine and sent one more message to Melissa.
Me: I’m worried. Do I need to come check on you?
Kelly walked over to the desk and grabbed a Post-it and a pen. She scribbled Melissa’s address across the paper and just as Liam reappeared she said, “Let us know if she’s safe, all right.”
“I will,” I promised as I slipped my phone into my pocket. “Same to you, let me know you guys got home okay.”
“I’ll send you a text,” Liam said as Kelly wrapped her scarf around her neck. “Drive safe.”
Liam and Kelly disappeared into the storm, and I locked the front door. It didn’t take long to shut off the lights and lock up, and once I was fighting the wind and heading up to my apartment, a slow fear started to creep into my bones. I hoped that when I got inside, and looked at my phone there would be some sign from her that she was okay.
There wasn’t.
I didn’t waste time standing in my kitchen staring at a blank screen. I grabbed my truck keys from the counter, and shrugged into my heavier winter coat. The stairs were dangerously slick, but I hurried down each step with a new sense of urgency. The cab of my truck heated quickly, melting the ice from my windshield. I kicked the truck into four-wheel drive, punched her address into the GPS map on my phone and hit the road.
She lived about ten miles north of Avenues and what should have been a quick trip took me almost an hour. There were at least five cars that had slid off the road and two really terrible accidents. I kept my eyes on the freeway, and recited the Lord’s Prayer about one hundred times before I pulled off the exit ramp. My fingers enveloped the steering wheel in a white-knuckle grip as I fought the ice-covered pavement and wind. The heavy snow fell past the lights of my truck creating tunneled illusions that made it hard to keep an attentive eye on the path in front of me.
It wasn’t until I pulled into her apartment complex that I realized I was in a real shitty part of town. I laughed at my knee-jerk reaction to lock my doors. If someone was ballsy enough to rob people in this kind of weather they could have my damn truck. I circled the parking lot looking for a spot. All the cars were covered in snow, and I wasn’t sure if I’d missed her car or not. There was a parking garage attached to the building, and after coming up empty, as far as parking was concerned, I pulled into the garage. There was a spot on the second level, and before I turned off the engine, I checked my phone one last time. All I had was a text from Liam letting me know he and Kelly had gotten home safely.
The stairwell that led to her apartment was freezing and damp, and each breath I took pulled the scent of garbage into my lungs. I hated that she lived in a place like this… alone. She deserved to feel safe, and as I stared at the cracks in the foundation, the peeling paint of her front door, I wondered if she felt safe at all.
I knocked three times before the door swung open. Shocked eyes and parted lips greeted me. Her cheeks looked warm and her hair was wet. We stood there for a few stunned, silent seconds, the heat of her apartment sneaking past the front entryway, wrapping around my cold body. Melissa was wearing a worn looking, oversized gray sweater that hung off her right shoulder and, even though she was wearing baggy black pajama bottoms, she still looked sexy as hell.
Sexy, safe, and totally pissed.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Her shock had thawed into anger.
The muscle in my jaw pulsed. “You didn’t answer my texts, I was fucking worried.”
I’d attempted to rein in my own anger, but failed miserably. What? Did she think I wouldn’t give a shit that she just fell off the planet in a snow storm?
The furious little crease between her brows softened. “So, you just figured you’d show up at my front door.” The bite in her voice had backed off, but her shoulders were stiff, blocking my view of her apartment, keeping me in the cold.
“Yes,” I answered too quickly and her brows started to furrow again. “And no. I was worried and when Kelly came to pick up Liam I told her I hadn’t heard from you. She got worried, too. She tried to call.”
“I know.”
“You know?” I asked unable to hold back the hurt in my tone.
She lowered her eyes to the ground. “You shouldn’t be here.” Melissa’s voice was strained and there was something in the way she’d said here that made it possible for me to see past my anger.
I lifted her chin with two fingers and she didn’t resist.
“Why didn’t you answer my texts?”
She released a long breath. “Come inside. It’s freezing.”
She stepped to the side and let me enter. I removed my boots, leaving them by the door as she brushed by me. Her place was small, but seemed comfortable. A bed, a side table, and a bookshelf took up the majority of the main living space. A tiny table sat in the corner by the kitchen. I took off my jacket, hung it over one of the two chairs, and followed behind her.
“I was just about to eat dinner,” she said as she turned down the flame on the stove. Melissa’s eyes wouldn’t meet mine. They feathered around the room nervously. “Kieran, I… I’m sorry. I should’ve texted you.”
“But you didn’t…”
I leaned against the doorframe that led into the narrow kitchen waiting for her to turn around, to look at me, to give me something to hold on to, some clarification.
Her eyes locked with mine. Her stature hard as she raised her hand and waved it in front of her. “I never wanted you to see this…” Her voice cracked. “I’m fucking mortified. I’m not who you think I am, Kieran.”
“Then tell me,” I said raising my voice, pushing off the wall to stand in front of her.
“I’m not like you. My life… my life used to be…” She shook her head, and I noticed her brown eyes had begun to brim with tears. Her emotions fluid and begging to fall down her cheeks.
“Used to be what?” I whispered.
She inhaled a jagged breath and her control burned the tears away. “Fucked up. Really fucked up, and it’s taken me five years to get better.” She ran her hand through her damp hair. “But this shit, it’s me… and I’m trying so damn hard to pull myself out of the gutter. Leaving The Western was step one, and Irene’s… and you…” Melissa’s brown eyes melted. She was sinking, spilling herself, bleeding, and I couldn’t look away. “I don’t deserve someone like you. I panicked, last night was… perfect, and I’ve never had perfect.”
I chanced a step closer and when she didn’t retreat I closed the aching space. Each breath I took was a war between fury and hope. “I’m not perfect.”
She laughed without humor. “Kieran, you’re a fucking saint.”
“I’m not, though. No one is Mel, no one except God, and I swear He’s fucked up a time or two, as well.” A smile formed on my lips, and the fear in her shoulders eased.
“I never wanted you to see where I lived. I don’t want to drag you into the gutter with me.” A tear escaped the tight leash she’d held. “This morning, I almost took that last bit of good you had.”
“I wanted to give it,” I said and framed her face with my hands. Her cheeks were hot and I loved how right her skin felt against my palms. She tipped her head back and gave me the full weight of her gaze. “I don’t give a shit about where you live or who you were before you met me, I just want you to let me in. Let me see you, Melissa, because everything I’ve seen so far is fucking beautiful.”
A shuddered breath tickled my thumb as I dusted it across her tear-stained lips. “All I’ve ever done is disappoint people. My family, myself, and I’m so scared that if I let you see me… you’ll see what everyone else sees, what I see when I look at myself in the mirror every day. Failure.”
I didn’t know what she’d been through, and I wanted her to trust me enough to tell me, but we’d only just started, and I hoped over time she’d open up. But right now, she needed to know how I felt, I had to stop those tears from falling.
“All I see when I look at you…” I lowered my hands from her face, trailing my right hand down her cheek, her neck, her bare shoulder, “is a smart, sexy, strong woman who is trying to rise above the hand she’s been dealt.” I fit my hand at her waist and held her watery gaze. “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know I’ve never looked at another woman like I look at you. Never touched another woman and felt the way you make me feel. You fucking light me up, and it’s not going to stop just because you live in a small apartment, or had an ex-boyfriend who overdosed, or whatever the hell is in your head. I want you, Melissa, just you, no exceptions.”
I leaned down to kiss her tear-stained lips. She was a mixture of salt and sadness, and I devoured the bitter-sweet taste of her. Her mouth was easy and soft against mine. I kissed her until she relaxed into my arms, until all the bullshit she had to bear on her shoulders fell away, until her quiet moan began to feed my pulse. I had to pull away before I forgot how to stop.
I rested my hands on her hips and searched her eyes for any more hesitation. They were at half mast, her cheeks splotched with red, and all I could see was desire.
“I want to feel like every other man. I want kiss you, touch you…” My lips lifted. “I want be with you, as you are. Don’t push me away.”
She licked her lips and her brows set into a sad line as she spoke in a low whisper, “I’m sorry.”
“Hey…” My fingers skated up her hips and around her back as I pulled her close. “I don’t want your apologies. Next time just answer your phone.” I gave her a lopsided smile hoping to break up the darkness haunting her eyes. It worked.
She laughed lightly. “Honestly, I stopped looking at my phone after your third text. I didn’t pick it up again until Kelly called, and I didn’t actually think you’d show up here.”
“I told Kelly you would think I was a stalker when she gave me your address.”
“It’s cute you were worried enough to drive over here in a blizzard. I feel like an asshole, if anything had happened, I—”
I kissed her. The guilt had begun to resurface, spilling black into her brown eyes again. The palms of my hands fisted into the fabric of her sweater when she moaned. Her tongue swept past my lips and dipped into my mouth. It was my turn to groan as her sweet taste filled my senses. She lifted her arms and folded them around my neck. Her thumbs stroked the nape and the sensation trickled down my spine. I backed her into the counter as my hands cupped the curve of her ass.
There was no anger left in me, only resolve. I wanted her and I wasn’t going to wait. Melissa’s insecurities weren’t enough to scare me away. I’d never felt so sure, so out of control, and I wanted to live in the feeling, in her scent, inside her. My lips found her jaw, her neck, and when my teeth nipped her earlobe, she wound her leg around mine closing off any remaining space between us.
I wasn’t sure how long I kissed Melissa in that kitchen, or if she’d been too far gone as well, to notice the smell of burnt food, but when the smoke detector alarm made us both jump, we broke away from each other and started laughing like a couple of kids.
Melissa was emerging. That youthful, colorful smile was painted broadly across her face as she rushed to the sink to grab a towel. She giggled as she turned off the stove and waved the rag back and forth below the smoke detector.
I chuckled as I took the rag from her hand. “Watch and learn,” I shouted over the loud blare of the alarm.
I quickly soaked the towel in the sink, wrung it out, and then draped it over the detector on the wall. The grating sound immediately stopped and Melissa looked at me in disbelief.
“Holy shit…” She stared at the rag. “See… you’re perfect, you know everything.”
My laugh echoed in the small kitchen. “Not really, I distracted you, and now your dinner is ruined.”
She stirred the soup with the spoon that had been laying on the stove. “Nah. It’s just posole, the side’s burnt a little, but it still looks really good.”
“Posole?”
She repeated the word, this time with a heavier accent. “It’s a type of soup, and my favorite. I have enough...” She looked up from the pot and bit the corner of her nervous smile. “Are you hungry?”
I was a lot of things.
“I am, I haven’t had dinner yet.”
She nodded, a flash of guilt in her eyes. “Then stay.”
My smile stretched across my face as her cheeks filled with heat. “Okay.”