The tips of my fingers were pruned and raw. Stained red with heat as I hand washed the last of the brand new pots and pans Kelly had purchased for the shelter’s kitchen. The grand opening was barely two weeks away. On December twelfth, Irene’s would open its first phase to the community. Kelly couldn’t have picked a better time, and though she’d said she had wished she could’ve been open before the storms hit, at least she was making a home for women and their children before Christmas. I knew better than anyone what it felt like to be homeless, living on the snowy streets at Christmas.
The random thought had my eyes squeezing shut. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about those kinds of things for the past couple of weeks. I’d spent most of my time in the present, with Kieran, at his place, lost in his kiss, his arms, and it was a blissful state of ignorance. It wasn’t until Thanksgiving night, when he’d mentioned I’d spoken the truth, that I remembered the monster living inside my chest.
My eyes popped opened when I heard the swing of the kitchen door, and caught Kelly stumbling across the tiled floors in yoga pants and a parka. My laugh was unrestrained, and it felt good. The negative thoughts were whisked away by her scowl as she fumbled with her keys and let the several plastic bags she was holding fall to the floor.
“Shit, Liam’s late, and I have about hundred pounds worth of groceries to grab from my car,” she said through a long sigh.
I dried my hands and threw the damp towel onto the wide counter. “I can help, just put me to work.”
She raised her eyebrows as she scanned the counter. “You washed everything?”
I nodded. “Yup.” I stepped from behind the sink. “I just have to put away these last few things once they’ve dried. But I did as you asked. Everything is clean and ready for opening day.”
“Wow.” Her eyes were saucers. “Mel, you’re a machine.” Before I had a chance to disagree, she gave me a knowing smile and waved me off as she lifted a few of the bags onto the counter. “You washed and folded about fifty towels. You helped Elaine create the toiletry packs, and Paige told me you even asked her if she needed help. I feel like I should fire myself. This is only your first official day and you’re kicking ass!”
I could feel the heat in my chest. The flush on my cheeks. I’d never been good with compliments. I’d had a lifetime of regret and that never meshed well with praise. “Thanks. But I still have an hour left, so I can help you put away these groceries.”
She glanced at me with a conspiratorial little smirk. For a second, I could see the girl who’d once been a model. Kelly was beautiful, but every now and then, when her guard was down, her overwhelming confidence would knock you on your ass. I admired her and her strength.
“Let’s get these groceries put away, and get out of here a little early. Have a drink?”
“I don’t—”
“Dinner, ice cream, coffee, I don’t care… girls’ night,” she whined at me with puppy dog eyes.
“Oh, my God, do you pull this shit with Liam? Does he buy into it?”
Her smile stretched across her face. “Every time, or I promise sex… He’s easy.”
“Who’s easy?” Paige’s light voice sifted through the kitchen.
Kelly and I both followed the voice to the kitchen door.
“Hey, you! Are you finished?” Kelly asked, and I started to unpack the canned goods onto the counter.
“For today. That wall is huge. I just hope I can have the mural done before opening day,” Paige said as she stuffed her hands into her pockets. She was wearing well-worn overalls that were spotted with paint and holes.
“You will. I know you and Declan prefer more abstract, but the way you’ve captured the Salt Lake skyline, Paige, it’s seriously stunning.”
“It really is,” I agreed.
Paige met my eyes and gave me a shy smile. When she first got here I was knee deep in bleach and Borax without much time to chat. I’d been so nervous to meet her, meet another important puzzle piece to Kieran’s life. But I liked the quiet that followed her around. I was interested in meeting Kieran’s middle brother, Declan, too. I’d heard so much about him from Kieran he almost felt mythical. The artist whose hands were guided by the voices in his head. After meeting his second half today, I was even more intrigued. She was so pretty, with her ghostly gray-blue eyes and her light blonde hair that it almost hurt to look at her too long. All that innocence trapped inside her gaze. I felt as if all my sins were etched across my skin. Paige had looked right through me this morning, but her smile had offered me peace, and I’d realized I’d been worried for no reason.
“Thank you.” She tipped her head down as if in thought and then glanced at all the groceries on the floor. “Are there more?”
“Yeah, but I have a few of the guys bringing them in.”
As if on cue, a couple of the male staff members barreled into the kitchen with bags and boxes filled to the gills with supplies, food, and bottled water. It took only a few minutes for us to unburden their arms. Some of the guys gave Kelly a smile before they left the kitchen, most likely grateful for the small break from manual labor. I didn’t mind doing the dishes after I’d watched a few of those guys curse and holler as they’d tried to assemble about twenty, twin-size bunk beds.
Once the last of the bags were dropped onto the floor, we sifted through the chaos. Kelly told us where things should go, and Paige and I hurried through the task of getting the cold foods put into the industrial-sized freezer and fridge. We worked in a comfortable silence, and by the time we were finished my bones and muscles started to ache in a way that sent a rush of pride down my spine. I’d worked a hard day. A long day. But the outcome of my labor would help someone else, and that was a feeling I’d never gotten from working at The Western Lounge.
Kelly sighed and leaned against the counter after we finished. “I wonder where the hell Liam is.”
Paige laughed and it shaded her cheeks with pink. “Declan said he was going over there to help him with the twins. Didn’t he tell you?”
Kelly’s brow furrowed. “No! Asshole, thinks he can get out of grocery duties. He does this at home, too.”
I laughed. “It’s a man thing.”
Paige shrugged her shoulders. “Declan does most of the shopping.”
Kelly narrowed her eyes. “I knew I married the wrong brother.”
Our laughter filled the kitchen, but it was Paige who spoke first through our fit of giggles. She turned to look at me. “I think Kieran is coming over tonight. Declan’s been home all day with the kids, so I figured he’d need some guy time.”
“I guess that answers my question. I was going to ask you to come to dinner with me and Mel.”
“Kelly, it’s okay if you want to head over there. I don’t—”
“Hell, no. Girls’ night,” she interrupted me with more enthusiasm than I thought was necessary. “And Liam’s in the dog house. He knew he was supposed to get his ass over here. It’s why he supposedly closed shop early.”
“Come over when you’re done with dinner?” Paige asked. “The twins are in bed by eight.”
As much as I wanted to see Kieran, I’d been at his place all weekend. Most men needed space, didn’t they? And I hadn’t heard from him much today. Things between us had moved so quickly, maybe space was a good thing. Besides, I had shit to catch up on. Laundry to do. I didn’t need to sleep, eat, and breathe him every night. Well, at least that was what I decided to tell myself.
“Are you sure?” Kelly asked and Paige nodded. “Okay.”
“I think I’m going to pass though. I have a lot to do when I get home and seven a.m. comes early.”
“You don’t have to be here that early.” Kelly protested.
But I did. “It’s what you scheduled me.”
“Well, I’m un-scheduling you. Sleep in, you did two days’ worth of work, and I’m sure Kieran would love to see you.”
“It’ll be fun, no one ever comes over,” Paige said and her sad eyes almost convinced me.
“Really, it’s okay, after we eat I’ll probably go home and pass the fuck out.” I smiled after I spoke, hoping they both couldn’t detect the nerves that shadowed my syllables.
This was all too quaint. Girls’ night out, meeting the “sister.” Kieran and I had fallen into an addictive routine and if I wasn’t careful, if I didn’t mix it up, I’d start to crave it more and more and that was never good. I was already feeling needlessly empty because I wasn’t going to see him tonight. Life was busy, and I’d learned not to depend on others. I had to depend on me. It was the only way sobriety could work. And it worried me that I found myself craving him, his touch, his mouth on mine, his body filling all the cold places inside of me.
“Fine. Dinner though, O’Malley’s?” Kelly asked.
“Sounds good. I’m sweaty and look like shit, I’ll fit right in.”
Paige laughed. “I wish I could go, maybe next time.”
“I’m sure Declan won’t mind.” Kelly grabbed her purse from the counter.
“I know. But—”
“You miss your babies,” Kelly answered for her as she shouldered her bag.
Paige’s smile was soft. “I do.”
We said our goodbyes, and Paige left while I’d freshened up in the bathroom the best I could. My hands felt like sandpaper, and the little eye make-up I had on had smudged, thanks to the steam of the hot dish water I’d hovered over all afternoon. It hadn’t taken me more than five minutes, and I was ready to go. When I met Kelly in the lobby she was on the phone.
She nodded her head at me and mouthed the word Liam.
“Love you, too,” she said and then put her cell into her bag. Seemed like Liam was already out of the “dog house.”
Kelly’s long hair was swept into a large bun and a few of the pieces had fallen loose throughout the day. I wasn’t a girl who ever really gave a shit about appearance, but here I stood in jeans and an oversized sweater with a day’s worth of sweat layering my skin, and Kelly still looked beautiful in yoga pants.
“How do you still look so hot?” I asked with a smirk.
Kelly’s laugh was doubtful. “I pretend to do hard labor all day, but really I’m just good at direction.”
I wanted to roll my eyes. Most of the day Kelly was helping everyone with something. Assembling the beds, folding the laundry I’d done, paperwork, and grocery shopping, if anything, she’d been busier than me.
“You never give yourself enough credit.”
She groaned. “You sound like Liam.” She tugged on the sleeve of my sweater. “Let’s go before Kieran calls me begging to drag you to Declan’s.”
“Is he already over there?” I asked since I hadn’t heard from him for a couple of hours.
“Yes. Liam told him you weren’t coming over after dinner while I was on the phone with him, and Kieran must have complained because Liam told him he was pussy whipped.” Kelly arched her brow with a grin.
“Your husband is such an asshole.” I pressed my lips together to suppress my smile.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” she said with a swoony smile.
O’Malley’s was packed wall to wall tonight for Monday night football. It smelled like fried food, stale beer, and cheap cologne. Kelly and I were sitting in one of the dark booths in the back by the pool tables in hopes we would be spared the drunk, hungry gazes of the customers. Besides Kelly and me, I think I only spotted maybe two or three other women here, and they seemed cozy next to their men.
“This place isn’t normally such a meat market,” Kelly said before taking a bite of a French fry.
“Now I kind of wish Kieran and Liam were here. Those two dudes playing pool keep eyeing you.”
She snorted. “They’re eyeing you.” She waggled her black ceramic wedding band in my face. “I’m unavailable.”
“Makes you more interesting,” I said and then took a bite of my burger.
A quiet moan fell past my lips. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.
“For bar food, it’s pretty good, right?”
I mumbled an almost coherent yes as I took another gigantic bite.
The blue notification light on my phone lit and my pulse jumped, sending the swarm of butterflies into a chaotic dance as I wiped my hands on my napkin. I felt my cheeks fill with heat and Kelly’s smile grew as she watched me. I internally scolded myself for being so damn obvious. My sister gave me shit the other day about my “moon eyes” while I’d been texting Kieran.
“Kieran?” she asked and I nodded. “You guys are so cute.”
I ignored her little observation and opened the text.
Cabrón: I miss you.
I felt my smile stretch across my face before I could stop it. I kept my head down. No need to give Kelly more ammunition.
Me: I miss you, too. But I’m sure you’re enjoying your guy time with your brothers.
Cabrón: I’ve had enough guy time to last me a lifetime. Come over with Kelly after O’Malley’s.
Cabrón: Please.
I could feel the burn of Kelly’s stare, but I kept my eyes glued to the phone.
Me: It was a long day. I’m beat and smell like bleach.
Cabrón: Mmm, sounds sexy.
Me: It really is. These two guys won’t stop hitting on us.
Cabrón: Do I need to come down there and kick some ass?! I’m sure Liam would be game. ;)
I knew he was kidding, but I liked the possessive side of him. I’d only ever had a guy who was willing to share me with others. Kieran, I had no doubt, if he had to fight for me, he would. The ever-present ache inside my chest had slowly started to disappear the more I let Kieran in, and right now I felt another small part of it drift away.
He’ll keep me safe.
I’m his. Only his.
Cabrón: I’m a little jealous Kelly gets to have drinks with you.
Me: I’m not drinking. I’m eating the best cheeseburger in the world.
Cabrón: That’s the bleach talking, O’Malley’s is only good for the beer.
“What’s he saying?” Kelly’s impatience finally won.
“He’s trying to convince me to come over.”
“Just come with me.”
“I really can’t.”
Kelly’s doubtful brows knitted together, but before she could ask whatever question was brewing in her brown eyes my phone lit up again.
Cabrón: Did Chance drink a lot?
The burger and fries in my stomach went as heavy as a brick. It was such a casual way to ask about my nightmare of a life. He didn’t know the whole story, I told myself, but he was trying to piece me together. Why didn’t she drink? She wasn’t the addict, he was. Did drinking remind her of Chance? These were all questions probably running through his mind. Questions I should have answered before I’d let us get so close.
Me: No, I have a problem with addiction.
It was the truth. A real truth painted in the wrong color.
Cabrón: I get it. Me, too. My dad was a drunk, remember. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.
My throat contracted painfully and the heat in my face drained into a cool sweat.
It was an effort to hide my shaking fingers from Kelly as I typed my reply.
Me: Nothing to be sorry for.
Cabrón: Eat. And if you change your mind, I’ll be here.
Me: I’m just going to crash tonight. I’ll text you tomorrow.
Cabrón: Denial is the definition of heartbreak.
His usual parting gift loosened the grip my lies had around my neck, and I smiled. I normally didn’t reply, but tonight I felt like changing up the pattern. I’d let too many old demons ruin my mood. The ache that he so easily remedied had returned. I needed a fix.
Me: Let’s make sure we see each other tomorrow.
Cabrón: Tomorrow is the definition of teasing, but he’ll wait forever for her.
I laid my phone onto the table with a slow hand, my eyes stinging with unexpected tears. When I finally braved a glance at Kelly, confusion colored her gaze.
He’ll wait forever…
The words strangled me as I tried to suck in a breath, tried to stifle the sob building in my throat. The panic seized my lungs.
“Melissa?” The alarm in Kelly’s tone made it difficult to hang on to the thin seams that held me together. “Breathe.”
“I-I’m…”
She reached across the table for my hand, but I pulled it back. A shuddered breath pushed through my lips as I exhaled, and her usual kind eyes had clouded with fear.
“Breathe... Mel. What’s wrong?”
“He’ll wait forever,” I choked out.
“Who? Melissa, who are you talking about… Kieran?” She was talking slowly like you would to a person ready to jump off a bridge. Maybe I was.
Maybe it was exhaustion or maybe all my lies had finally drowned me. Guilt was a sharp weapon and it had been slowly cutting me open since our first kiss. How would he feel if he’d known where my mouth had been? How would he like it if he knew I’d danced naked for money? What would he say when he found out I used to snort pills, inject poison into my veins? Would he wait forever then? Would he look at me with those bright blue eyes with such value then?
I was trash, and I’d polluted him. I’d made him filthy with my fingers and lips and he had no idea. None.
Nausea crawled up my throat.
“I’m a liar,” I whispered on a sob.
She looked down at my phone and then back at me.
“Did you just lie to Kieran or something?” she asked.
I needed to calm down, but just saying those words out loud, “I’m a liar”, eased the pain pressing down on my shoulders. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted her to look at me with anger, and hate, and tell me how disgusting I was. I wanted to give her the burden so Kieran wouldn’t have to ever bear it.
“I’ve lied to him, to you... about everything.”
Kelly’s shoulders straightened. “You’re not making any sense.”
“Listen.” I sucked in a breath of courage. “I needed this job, Kelly. I needed to get the hell away from The Western.”
“I know. Liam told me it was a strip club.” She relaxed. “You know I would never give a shit about—”
“I used to be a stripper. Not just a bartender. I used to be a lot of things.” My eyes fell to the table. “Kelly, I’m so afraid of who I used to be. I’m afraid every time I look at Kieran, at you, the timer will tick its last fucking second and everything around me will go up in flames.”
“Mel, I know what it’s like to pretend to be someone you’re not. To hide inside yourself. It almost killed me. You have to know I’d never judge you. Who cares that you used to be a stripper?” She laughed and it caught me off guard. I raised my gaze to find her smiling. “You’re hot, I’d pay to see that.”
I couldn’t smile. She didn’t know. I was in the confessional again, but today the church was a bar and the priest was Kelly O’Connell.
“There’s so much more, and I like the life I have now. I know I’m strong enough to survive my past, but I’m terrified of losing him, of losing you.” Kelly’s smile dimmed. “I ran away from home when I was sixteen with my boyfriend. We got into a shit-ton of trouble, started using drugs. My parents tried hard to get me to come home, but I was gone. Their little girl was giving out back-seat blowjobs for cash because her boyfriend needed more money, more drugs. I’d get high in order to do it, and I wanted him to be happy.”
Kelly’s glassy eyes found mine as she said, “Mel, I—”
“I hated myself, but I thought I loved him. Chance… that was his name.” I swallowed the sick taste on my tongue. I had to keep going, I couldn’t stop, she had to know. I needed her to judge me, to tell me I was awful, and I never deserved anyone as good as Kieran. “He overdosed over seven years ago, and after he died, I got a job at The Western stripping because I had no idea what else to do. I was lost without him, sick from coming off the drugs too fast. Jaime, the owner, he wanted to help me, and he tried, fuck, he really did, but I had to get high in order to dance so the cycle started all over again.”
“How did you quit?” she asked in a shaky whisper.
The light over the table illuminated her face. It was pale and scared, and her eyes dripped pity down her cheeks.
“I overdosed five years ago. I used to rent the backroom at the bar, it was all I could afford. Jaime found me there, on the floor, unresponsive. My parents came to the hospital, offered to pay for my rehab. I was so tired, so dead inside, and seeing them again, they didn’t hate me, you know, and I wanted to be well… at first for them, but now for me.”
I wiped the few tears that had spilled down my cheeks with my fingers. The ache in my chest was still there, those ghosts still haunted my heart, but when I found Kelly’s eyes again they were… patient. She was crying, but not angry. She was looking at me like Maria had that day in the hospital when I’d woken up. She was looking at me with understanding—with love.
My lips started to tremble. “I-I…I’m sorry.”
Kelly sniffled and wiped at her eyes. “I don’t need an apology.” She was incredulous. “You’ve been through so much, Mel, and do I wish you would’ve told me? Sure. I wish I could’ve been there for you sooner. I’m your friend and it sounds like you haven’t had many of those. I know that if I’d opened up more when I lived in L.A. I probably never would’ve stayed because a friend would have dragged my ass back to Liam.” Her kind smile was my undoing. I’d unloaded on her, showed her the evil that lived inside me. “Don’t look at me like that.”
I cleared my throat. “Like… what?”
“Like you think I’m about to freak out. I’d never judge you, and neither would Kieran. Those guys have been through a lot, too. He cares about you, more than I think he’s ready to admit…” My stomach bottomed out. He cared about a stranger, not me. “You can’t live your life hiding from real happiness, Mel.” She absently traced the long scar on her face with her fingertips. “It’ll kill you. You’ve been clean a long time, don’t fuck it up because you’re afraid of what people think. I’d be a jerk if I didn’t care about you as a friend because you had a shady past, and if Kieran dumps you because of it, he’s an asshole. No one is perfect, Mel. No. One.”
She was making sense, but I’d spent over five years hiding. I’d spent so long thinking of myself as a dirty secret that the thought had become just another habit I’d have to learn to break.
A few more tears rolled down my cheeks as my breathing found its normal rhythm. “I’m scared.”
I’d let it happen, but Kieran had become too important. In a little over a month, I’d opened my heart more than I had in all those years with Chance. I’d only ever been a commodity to him.
Kelly reached for my hand, and I let her run her fingers over the top of my knuckles. “My father was a drunk who ruined my mother’s life, and almost ruined mine. I know how addiction can destroy everything that is beautiful, but you beat it. Hell, you annihilated it. You deserve to be happy. And Kieran deserves the truth.” She offered me a small smile and withdrew her hand.
“Please, don’t tell him anything.”
“I wouldn’t. That’s your story to tell, but you need to tell it.” She exhaled a long breath. “He’s my brother, and I love him. I don’t want to see him get hurt, and the longer you go without saying anything… a lie by omission is still a lie. And a little advice, the O’Connell boys don’t forgive easy.”
The brick in my stomach weighted me down, pinned my spine to the back of the booth. I’d already lied so much already.
“Thank you,” I said around the growing lump in my throat and tore my napkin with my still-shaking fingers.
“For what? Listening? Melissa…What are friends for?” Her smile was broad and warm, and I was fucking grateful for it.
I wished I could’ve told her about Jordan, but there were some things I liked to keep just for me. Giving Jordan life was one of the best things I’d ever have the privilege of doing, but he wasn’t mine, and telling his story felt like bragging for something I’d cheated at.
Kelly let her eyes fall to my phone again before she picked up another fry and said, “Tell him, Melissa. He’ll understand.”
“I’ll tell him.”
The devil inside me beamed. He heard the false waver of my lips. I’d tell Kieran. I just had to find the courage, and time was not on my side.