“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
Mark Twain~
“Stop pining.”
I kept my eyes down, the words on the page were distorted. I had no idea what I’d just read.
“Fuck off, Ronnie.” I brushed her off without even chancing a glance in her direction.
“Wow.” She held the syllable. “Two weeks is all it takes, huh?”
I lifted my gaze. Ronnie was leaning, no, hovering, over my desk. Her porcelain arms crossed, her fingers curled under her chin, an evil grin on her lips.
“All it takes for what?” I asked and to my chagrin her smile grew cat-like.
“Two weeks without your girlfriend and you’ve turned into Liam. I had you pegged for more of the mope in silence type, like Declan, but…” She stood and waved her hand up and down. “You’re all grumpy and fuck the world…it’s weird.”
I expelled an irritated breath and lowered my eyes back to the page I’d read about one thousand times. Not even Tom Sawyer could keep my attention these days.
“I think it’s kind of sexy… if I’m being honest. You’re all wound up, it looks good on you.” Ronnie’s soft laugh had my lips almost twitching into a smirk.
“I’m not pining,” I said and turned the page, keeping my eyes down.
She chuckled. “Whatever you say.”
The air shifted and cooled and became silent. I didn’t have to look up to know she’d left the reception area. I sighed again, this time closing the book with more aggression than necessary.
It was almost closing time. Kemper and the other guys had left about an hour ago. And when the back door jingled, I figured Ronnie had now escaped, as well. The only sound in the shop was the light hum of Liam’s machine.
I hadn’t allowed the guys to play music since I’d broken it off with Mel. Every damn word reminded me of something I’d rather forget. While I was home, I could easily break down, pour everything onto paper. But here, I was forced to maintain a modicum of normalcy, and listening to music made that impossible. Even Liam’s angry shit didn’t help, it just pissed me off even more.
Technically, I could leave now, too, let Liam close up shop, but I wasn’t ready to be alone for the night. Kemp and Asher had tried several times to get me to go out with them, but I’d rather not douse myself in gasoline and light the match just yet. There were only three places I’d been able to go lately. Three places that soothed the wounds I’d been nursing since I’d walked away from her: church, my apartment, and Declan’s place.
Church was a sanctuary. It was easy to pretend my life had never changed while I knelt in prayer, or gave Father Becker my confession. The familiar rituals were like a salve. And my apartment, it was the only place I could really wallow without being called a pussy, or a baby, or an asshole. Declan’s house, though, it had become my favorite place. Being around my brother and Paige, his family, it should hurt, but seeing his happiness made it easier for me to remember everything happens for a reason. And hell, Indie, her calm eyes and sweet giggle, she would always be my number-one girl.
The incessant buzzing abruptly stopped, and I heard Liam’s deep timber. The girl was flirting with him, but he just ignored her, soldiered on while he gave her after-care instructions. It wouldn’t be long before I was forced to go upstairs, forced to face another quiet night with nothing but the reel of tape that sped through my head when I tried to sleep. Her voice. Her laugh. Her lies. I’d even deal with Liam’s long-winded speech about how I’d fucked it all up if it would hold off the inevitable sleepless night.
After New Year’s, I hid our break-up for as long as I could, but it only took a few days for Liam to sniff it out. Surprisingly, he’d taken Melissa’s side, but I wondered how much of that had to do with Kelly. Kelly was pissed at me. She had no qualms about letting me know how miserable Mel was, and how I needed to stop being a dick and call her. Liam had topped it all off with a “don’t be like me,” and “remember what I said, about forgiveness and fighting, now’s the time to use that sage advice.”
Melissa had lied. She hadn’t told me the truth and I’d given her...
I couldn’t forgive her.
I’d had that phrase on repeat, but recently, I was starting to hear the cracks, the false bravado in the steadfast declaration.
Liam had accused me of judging her and one night in private, he’d said, “Look, from what you’ve told me… I’d have a hard-as-fuck time swallowing all that down, too. All the shit she’s done, the guys, the drugs… if that’s why you don’t want to be with her, if you can’t see past that, then I get it. I can understand it, but I’ve never known you to be a judgmental prick… that’s my thing.”
As much as I wanted to believe what Mel had been through hadn’t affected my decision to walk away, it had. I didn’t care about the guys; if I was a normal twenty-seven-year-old I’m sure I would’ve racked up a few notches on my belt. It was why she’d been with them in the first place. She was an addict, so much so she devalued herself in order to score drugs. She let her boyfriend use her over and over again so she could continue to get her nightly fix, and that… that was what scared me the most. All it took was one slip. What if I’d built a life with her? Jordan’s name set my jaw into a firm line. His face, his features, just like Mel—my stomach twisted. What if we one day had our own family and that sickness, that need took over again, would she leave us, too, throw everything away?
My chest was heavy and that loss curled its fingers around my throat. We’d only been together for a short time, but there was something about Mel that’d had me thinking in distances that were measured by words like always and love and lifetime, but her lies had turned what I wanted as a reality into a fucking fantasy.
“Hey,” Liam said as he handed me his bill. “Three-fifty.” He turned to the girl and gave her his usual half-hearted smile. “Keep it covered, at least till you get home.”
She batted her lashes and I stifled a smile. Good luck with that, I wanted to say, but Liam just nodded his chin and gave me a knowing glare before he headed back to his table to clean.
She paid with credit, and I was grateful. I’d already counted the till before I’d started reading. Once she was gone, I locked up and turned off the open light in the window and closed the blinds. The back door jingled again, and when I turned around, I had to suppress a groan. Kelly was making her way into the shop and she bypassed Liam’s station with purpose. I used to love my sister-in-law, but Mel was ruining that, too.
Kelly was wearing jeans and one of the new Irene’s House t-shirts she’d had made last week. But the frown she was wearing did not bode well for me.
“What?” I asked in a bored tone.
She glared and shook her head. “Mel put in her two weeks.”
I swallowed hard, my mouth dry as I asked, “She did?”
Kelly took three steps toward my frozen frame and shoved me in the chest. “She did. Wake-up, O’Connell, or you’re going to lose her forever.”
Forever.
Why did that terrify me? Why did that one word shred every defense I’d built over the last fourteen days? Panic clutched my lungs, drowned me, I couldn’t catch my breath. My nostrils flared as I tried to breathe in the thin air.
“She’s going back to The Western. She said she can’t deal.”
The Western. What? She wouldn’t. Melissa hated that place. Everything she loved was at Irene’s. She thrived on helping those women, their kids, it was why I’d fallen so…
The light inside my head, the light I’d hidden inside a catacomb of self-righteous indignation, flipped on. It burned so bright and sudden. I could see it all. See her beautiful, warm brown eyes, and her soft skin. Her smile as she’d sweat through the shelter’s laundry service, or when she’d made food at Irene’s for fifty-plus patrons. I could see her face and how it had come alive as she offered counsel to the younger moms… to the addicts. She was paying her dues, working her penance, and she’d loved every second of it. Melissa was rare, she’d found a way to overpower the monster inside herself, and she wanted to show others how they could, too.
Shit.
I have been so fucking blind.
“She can’t go back there, Kieran, she can’t! And this is your fault…” Kelly’s voice always went a little high pitched when she was losing it.
“Hey, now.” Liam’s voice was oddly calm. It was as if we’d swapped places in the last two weeks. He wrapped his arms around Kelly, pulling her back to his chest and placed a kiss to her cheek. “What that woman does—”
Kelly struggled within his hold. “That woman?”
He only chuckled, but I couldn’t find amusement in anything. Nothing about this situation was funny. Melissa was about to throw away her dreams to avoid me.
“What Mel does is her business, Princess. Is Kieran an idiot? Fuck, yeah, but hey, we all make mistakes.” Liam kissed the long scar on her cheek before he let her go.
“Kieran, just call her, I’m not asking you to forgive her, move mountains, or walk on water. I’m just asking you to make it right. She can’t leave… those women depend on her.”
My throat had swollen around the guilt that had wedged inside, and when I spoke it was rough like gravel, “I’ll make it right.”
Ink stained my fingers. I’d written more words since I’d left Melissa than I ever have in my life. The entire surface of my bed was covered in scattered pieces of paper. I’d tried several times tonight to write something worth sending her, but it was an impossible task. I was torn between loving the stranger or the woman I’d thought I’d known.
I loved her. It was furious and bold. I’d allowed myself to just dive into her, and maybe that’s why her dishonesty had hurt so badly. I’d opened myself up, offered her a clean and easy target, and she’d cut me incredibly deep. But I couldn’t let her quit Irene’s. She was meant to be there, and as much as it pained me to think it, I wanted to be where she was, too… I belonged with her.
There wasn’t an easy fix to her betrayal, but I couldn’t help that the minute I decided to reach out to her, the ache, the suffocating weight I’d been bearing for the past fourteen days, it was a little less awful to carry. My mother would’ve advised me to forgive her. Father Becker had advised me to let go and see the beauty of the choices I’d made and the time I’d given myself so fully to another, and I wanted that again. The peace of having another person own you, your heart and soul, there was nothing like it in the whole world.
Maybe I was enough to quell her temptations… maybe I’d been her peace, too.
I read the lines I’d just written, the paper in my hand shivered along with my fingers. The words still sounded too angry.
No path, no light
And this day
Still a stark sunrise
And I’ll watch you fade, and you’ll watch me run,
Into the distance I create.
Fucked up and cut thin,
The view is all I knew,
Of you, in morning pink, and the towel fell
With my values down the drain.
Broken hearts,
Fucked up and worn out,
The bells no longer pull me home
And the night black pooled,
And flooded the valley,
In square shadowed pictures of you.
By impulse everything was lost, and I can’t find my way,
Home to you,
Deep sleep and vivid dreams,
Laid out with broken seams.
Home to you,
Jasmine scent and caramel skin,
My fingers beg to begin.
There was no way around it. We’d both messed up, and I was too naïve, too inexperienced to figure out a way to get us back to that peaceful place again.
I balled the paper in my hand and closed my eyes. It was two in the morning and I’d lost my mind. Mel didn’t need a grand gesture, if anything, it would probably piss her off. I’d taken what she’d told me and practically flew out the door. I’d promised her I wouldn’t and I had.
I opened my eyes and scanned all the sheets of white blotted with ink. I was sitting on my bed, phone resting in my lap, and instead of calling her, I’d chosen to hide behind words I’d never meant for her to see.
Don’t be a coward.
I picked up my phone, and let my fingers swipe across the screen.
Me: You can’t quit.
I pressed send but the three words felt insufficient.
“Fuck.”
Me: Don’t quit, Mel. You’re too good at what you do.
I wanted to forgive her, tell her I was sorry for running, but I was still pissed, too… and afraid. I stared at my phone. I knew she was sleeping, and part of me hoped that she wouldn’t ever answer. That I could find a way to survive her and move on, and that she could find a way to stay at Irene’s without being miserable, but that wasn’t going to happen. Lust had beguiled me. It flirted and begged and teased me with stories about forever. I’d fallen victim to sentiment, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. Everything, with her, I’d do it all over again. I’d even suffer through these last two weeks because she’d changed me, she opened up the pages and fed me ink with kisses and I’d wanted it. I’d let myself fall in love…
Me: I miss you.
Me: Just call me, okay, don’t quit.
My fingers hesitated over the keyboard. I managed to open up the wadded up piece of paper, and smoothed it out onto the mattress in front of me. I could’ve stopped with my last text, but maybe she’d think I was texting her out of obligation, or my perpetual need to make people happy, so I let my fingers type out one more text.
Me: By impulse everything was lost, and I can’t find my way… home to you.