The most passionate three months of my life passed, and though Jensen and I went at it like rabbits nearly every night, nothing had come of it. No matter how many pregnancy tests I took, I continued to get the same disheartening response.

Initially, I refused to acknowledge that we might have been having fertility issues. I tried to reason that these things take time, though deep down I knew the issue had to run deeper than that.

If Jensen was having similar doubts, he never expressed them. He kept his confident and cheeky demeanor no matter what, so I refused to cry in front of him. If he could be strong through this, so could I. I noticed that he held me closer after we made love, reluctant to say goodbye on the nights I actually went home.

Feeling as if I was letting him down, I began to spend more nights at home. I only allowed my sadness to spill over when I was alone, bursting into uncontrollable tears with each negative pregnancy test. While Jensen didn’t seem to have the same uncertainty, he seemed concerned about my shift in attitude. I couldn’t maintain my usual sunny personality, and I was beginning to spend most of my day zoned out with zero productivity. It only served to make me feel worse, knowing that I was failing both as a surrogate and as an employee.

Sitting at my desk, I stared bleakly at my computer screen and the emails piling up in my unsorted folder. Tears spilled down my cheeks, and I hiccuped softly with sobs. While I tried to keep my composure at work, it was becoming near impossible. I refused to let Jensen in; I couldn’t imagine telling him how useless I felt. It was as if bringing up my flaws would be the one thing to draw his attention to them, and then he would realize what little value I provided in his life.

Burying my face in my hands, I ignored my computer as it continued to play a little jingle for every email I received. I was losing sleep and could scarcely find it within me to eat, most days. A part of me longed for someone to notice and reach out to me. I wanted comfort from the man I’d come to adore, but I was well aware that it wouldn’t be forthcoming. Not because of any misstep on Jensen’s part; it was simply that I couldn’t bear the idea of him seeing me like this.

When my office door opened, I nearly jumped out of my skin. My eyes widened as they fell upon the visitor, the very last person I wanted to see in that moment: Jensen himself. He held a sumptuous-smelling pastry puff in one hand, a caramel macchiato in the other. As he took in my appearance, his typically confident expression gave way to concern.

I roughly rubbed my eyes, desperately hoping he didn’t see how miserable I was, but when he sat the food items on my desk and circled around to draw me into his arms, I knew I had been caught.

“Ashley…?” Jensen softly implored, and it was all I could do to keep from crying out in anguish. I tried to pry myself out of his grip, wishing that I was dreaming, trying to force this moment out of reality.

Jensen held fast, and while I knew we were the only ones on the top floor, I felt as if this had broken our number one rule. He was showing me a kindness that no boss would show his employee, treating me with a delicacy that I didn’t deserve. Once we stepped back into GlobaPharm headquarters, things were supposed to resume as usual.

This went against everything we had previously arranged, and I felt as if I had ruined things altogether. My reaction wasn’t the most rational one in the world, but my fight or flight response began to take over. Distraught, I pushed away from Jensen with as much force as I could muster. He released me, though it was clear that I’d scarcely fazed him. He didn’t lose his balance, only taking a step back to look me over.

“I-I’m fine,” I lied, resisting the desire to bolt. It wasn’t as if there was somewhere I could run to. The only person who could possibly offer me any comfort was standing in the room before me, and all I could think to do was turn him away.

“Something is obviously wrong, Ashley. Talk to me, I want to help you,” he said gently, reaching out to rest a hand on my arm. I averted my eyes, his touch still managing to send chills through me. I didn’t want to feel chills in that moment. I wanted to be alone with my misery.

“You shouldn’t have come in here. Someone could see us and get ideas,” I said weakly, crossing my arms defensively. He raised a brow, looking at me as if I’d grown a second head.

“There are more pressing things than what people may think—” he started, but I swiftly cut him off.

“Jensen, please. Just…give me some privacy. I don’t want to talk about this,” I said. I wished I didn’t sound so desperate, but there was no helping it.

Jensen looked as if he might put up a fight, but as tears began to spill anew, he simply sighed and took a step away from me.

“I’m not sure what’s upsetting you, but if you don’t feel like you can’t discuss it with me, I respect that. I just… I thought…” he trailed off, his typically self-assured demeanor suddenly absent. He looked riddled with doubt, and it broke my heart to think I was the one who had caused it. As much as I wanted to reach out to him, I remained silent as he cleared his throat and stepped toward the door. “Take the rest of the day off. It’s obvious you’re not going to get any work done like this,” he said, though he didn’t sound angry.

When he closed the door behind him, I slammed my fists on my desk in frustration. My computer chose that moment to chime, and I glared at the monitor instinctively. Before I could shut it off and storm off, the subject line of the latest message caught my eye. It was a report about the fertility drug that the company had been developing. With my curiosity piqued, I clicked to open the message.

According to the report, the fertility drug was intended to greatly boost fertility in both sexes, with promising results in the testing phases. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t desperate enough to try a fertility drug that hadn’t been approved yet, but couldn’t stop myself from making a note of which lab it was being processed in. Realizing it was nearing the end of lunch break, I internally weighed my options.

As ridiculous and unfathomable as it was, I was truly considering trying to steal a few doses of the drug. If I wanted to sneak in, there would have been no better time than that moment, when the lab was likely empty. I knew it could be dangerous, that there was the possibility of some sort of side effects. Just the same, I couldn’t shake the idea that it could solve my problems. It seemed too good to be true, too convenient. I could only reason that maybe, in some way, it was meant to be.

Quickly walking out of my office, I made a beeline for the elevator. I knew Jensen might be upset with me for a while, but I would deal with that soon enough. First things first, I had to get a sample of that drug. I took the elevator to the third floor, where the lab in question was located. I tapped my foot anxiously as the elevator descended, thanking God that no one else was around. Everyone must have been off enjoying their lunch break.

It occurred to me that Jensen had likely wanted to spend the break together, which would explain why he’d come into my office unannounced. I felt slightly queasy over how cold I had been toward him, but I was determined to make it right. Everything we’d been through would be worth it if I was able to bear Jensen a son or daughter. As many doubts as I may have had about subjecting my body to something potentially dangerous, all that mattered was the ultimate outcome.

When I reached the third floor, it was thankfully devoid of workers. I meandered around and attempted to look casual as I spotted the bench where samples of the drug would be located, pre-packaged for clinical trials.

I quickly walked toward the workstation and saw the bottles of green capsules, recognizing them from the email. They looked relatively innocuous, but I knew things were rarely as they seemed in the world of pharmaceuticals. Just the same, I pocketed one of the bottles before walking confidently back to the elevator.

I knew Jensen had a business trip planned that week, but I needed to make things right as soon as possible. He would be greeted with a night he would never forget.

I just hoped the pills did their job.