Chapter 9
Bella
Six days and five nights without being in amore mio arms and I’m about to lose my damn mind over here. I’m trying to put on a brave face in front of everyone, but it’s getting harder and harder with each passing breath. I can’t sleep, I’m running on fumes. I barely have an appetite, and my stomach has been so upset. Ginger ale and crackers are the only things that help, thanks to Maddox forcing them on me. Aunt Cindy has been trying to get something in my stomach every day, to no avail. She even tried soup today, but I can’t think about any type of food without getting nauseous and sometimes sick. My nerves are shot and I know I’m not hiding my bad attitude very well. I’m sassy on my best day, but recently I’ve been downright rude and snapping at everyone. That’s why yesterday and today, I decided to stay away from them to lay out by the lake alone. The sun is doing me some good, soaking up the Vitamin D is calming me.
However, what I really need is to be in my man’s arms, and soon before I completely fall apart. It’s the only place in this world, I feel safe, and the monster and demons stay away. I know I’m weak and I’m trying, I truly am, it’s just so hard. I feel so alone without my man.
I woke up from a bad nightmare, the first night Gio was gone, screaming bloody murder. I scared the shit out of my sister and Aunt Cindy from my blood-curdling screams. Aunt Cindy ended up calling Gator and Sam to get me too settled down, I was so freaked out. I begged Gator not to call Gio, so he wasn’t distracted, he agreed as long as I let Sam give me a sedative. I insisted on speaking to Sam privately, first. After talking to her, I agreed to take a Benadryl since it would be safer since we’re trying to get pregnant or if I already am.
The Benadryl helped me sleep, but not to keep the nightmares away. Aunt Cindy and Gigi ended up staying the rest of the night in bed with me. Gator and Sam stayed on the couch to be close. I had a fitful sleep the rest of the night. I’ve been so afraid to sleep since because I don’t want to scare them again. Especially, my baby sister, she should never see me like that, ever!
Last night, I think I got maybe an hour sleep total, and that only happened because I took a nice hot bath to unwind. I fell asleep in the bathtub and woke up when the water became cold causing my body to shiver. I needed that little reprieve considering I’ve been feeling out of sorts for the last couple of days. My boobs hurt and feel heavy, and it’s getting close to my time of the month, so I know that can’t be helping with everything going on. I’m an emotional wreck.
It’s the afternoon and I’m lying here by the lake, taking in the beautiful scenery is calming my rattled nerves. This will be the view of our new home soon. It’s lovely, and I can’t wait to wake up to this every morning. The lake is a decent size, oval shape with large rocks along the edge, and on the other side is big Elm and Oak trees – I think, I’m not a tree connoisseur or anything - and woodlands. There is even a tree swing over the water. The guys and the kids were having fun with it at the summer parties.
Being that I’m sleep deprived and my man deprived, I’ve been snapping at everyone and chewing their heads off, more than usual, the last few days. I needed time alone to think and regroup. It’s so peaceful and quiet out here at this time of day.
Gator told me yesterday Gio should be home no later than tomorrow morning. I hate to say it because it sounds sad, but I’ve been counting down the minutes till he enters the front doors.
I’m lost in thought, staring at the fabulous view, when Gator startles me as he sits next to me on the big blanket I have laid out.
“How are you doin’ today, Sweetie?” he asks me apprehensively. He’s been so good to me since Gio left. He and Maddox actually are always looking after me like my father used to. Gator’s been trying to get Aunt Cindy to stop smothering me too. He respects the fact that I need my space, so I can breathe and deal with the shit that’s running through my head on my own.
I rest my head back on the rolled towel and look up at the sky. As much as I like Gator, he is beginning to drive me a little nuts too. I’m sick of being asked constantly, how are you doing or how are you holding up? I’m not doing good, okay. I feel like I’m being smothered and it hurts to take a breath. I don’t want to eat or sleep or be around anyone. I want to curl up in a ball in bed alone and cry all day and night until Gio’s home. My heart aches without him like a sword has sliced it in half from the pain of missing him. That’s how the fuck I’m doing, but I won’t tell him that or Gio.
“Gator, please stop asking me that fucking question. My answer isn’t going to change. I’m fine, just tired,” I answer snidely, biting the inside of my cheek and shaking my head. Then I take a couple of deep breaths. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you, I’m just sick of being asked the same question. I just want to be left alone, please.”
I continue to stare up at the sky, watching the shapes in the clouds float by. He stays quiet for a couple of minutes before speaking. “Bella, you can’t keep this up. You need to eat and sleep. It’s wearing on you, and you’re going to make yourself sick, Sweetie,” he says in a stern, fatherly tone and takes a deep breath. “He’ll be home soon, and he’s goin’ to blow a fuckin’ gasket when he sees you as it is. You dropped at least five pounds if not more since he left. I’m only trying to look out for you, and so is Maddox. Prez or not, when he comes home, he’s gonna want to kick my ass, and the way you look now, I can’t blame him.”
He finishes, and we both sit in silence for a few more minutes. I take in his words, and my heart aches more in my chest to the point I have to rub the pain away. Before I know it, the first tear is falling down my face, and then I’m crying. My heart breaks into a million pieces. I crawl to the side in a ball and sob facing him. Body rockin’ sobs roll through my body. I hurt, and I need my man, why can’t I just admit that and ask him to come home now. No! You can’t, he as a job to do, so get that out of your head, girl. You have to suck it up buttercup for him. Breathe and stop this crying. NOW! I tell myself giving me a little pep talk.
“I miss him so much it hurts,” I hiccup out not meaning to say the words out loud, but I can’t stop myself. It’s like word vomit once it starts it’s hard to stop. “My heart physically hurts! I feel like I can’t breathe without him here! What is wrong with me? I shouldn’t be like this, I should be able to stay strong for him. He doesn’t need me carrying on this way. He’s going to hate me for acting like a baby. What am I going to do?” I sob and sob through the pain.
At some point during my breakdown, I feel Gator’s tentative hand on my shoulder. I don't freak out from his touch anymore, it’s surprisingly comforting, like daddy's touch, and I need more.
It’s definitely not the same feeling I get from Gio, but it’s a good feeling and a feeling I require at this moment. I surprise Gator and myself as I slink closer to him, practically crawling into his lap. He hesitates at first, then leans down and gathers me up into his arms.
I bury my face in his chest, hiding under his kutte, like I do with Gio, and bawl like a baby. This almost feels as if I’ve done it a million times, his arms really do feel like daddy’s or even Val’s arms. I wish daddy was here or Val. I need my big brother. I need all my brothers.
Dear God, please bring them all home safe to me and soon.
We sit like this for a long while, he just holds and soothes me, letting me expel some of the pain I feel in my heart from missing all the men in my life.
I finally remove my face, rest my head on his shoulder, and stare out at the water.
The sun is starting to go down, which means it's getting close to dinnertime. I’ve been out here all day again, and Gator has probably been out here with me for a couple of hours now.
The sun continues to set around us, and it’s starting to get dark out. The sky has pink, purple and orange running through it, like a gorgeous piece of art from famous artist. I’m going to have to drag Gio out here one night to watch this with me soon. It’s too romantic to let slip by without experiencing this serene, tranquil scene with him.
The silence breaks when his cell phone dings twice, startling me and indicating he has a text message. I move off him so he can retrieve it from the inside pocket of his kutte. This breaks the spell I’ve been under, and I scoot over onto my side.
After looking at his phone, he speaks. “Sweetie, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve been through more than one person should have to deal with in such a short time, and he’s your rock. You two love each other, you need him, and he needs you. Granted in different ways, but I know he would never want you to hurt this way. He loves you, flaws and all.
“Talk to him when he gets back because I have a strong feeling he’s never going to leave you again, no matter what you say to him. So just, tell him the truth and work through it, together.
“He’ll never hate you for feeling the way you do, if anything, he’ll probably look up to you for your honesty and your strength.”
He’s right, I know he is, and it burns a little in my chest at how right he is.
“Come on, Sweetie, let's get you inside to the bar and get you some food and water. You’ve been out here in this sun and heat all day and only drank a couple of bottles. We need to keep you hydrated and healthy.” I nod, willing to give him an inch since he’s gone miles for me the last few days.
He helps me up and grabs the blanket, folding it up for me. I grab my sundress and slip it over my head to cover up my bikini and put my flip-flops on before heading inside.
“Thank you, Gator. I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Even Maddox has been great, and I haven’t been very appreciative to either of you.” I wipe the last of the tears from my eyes and give him a genuine smile.
“We’re family, Sweetie, and I care about you three girls like you were my own.” We nod, and I follow him back to the building.
The walk back is long, but nice. There is a light breeze out this evening, and it feels good against my warm, sun-kissed skin.
We enter the building through the kitchen, and I begin to feel light headed all of a sudden. I ignore it and continue to follow Gator into the bar. I’ll take the first bar stool I can find when we get in the room and get some water in me, and I’ll feel better.
I’m almost to one of the bar stools when the whole world comes crashing down around me. My head starts spinning, I’m weak and shaky. This is not good! I feel like my body is being depleted of everything in it, starting from my head all the way down to my toes, taking my vision and hearing along with it. I try my hardest to grab for Gator’s arm, but he’s too far away, I begin to lose all control and fall forward.
Maddox is a couple of stools away from us, and as I go down, I hear him yelling at Gator through a tunnel. “Fuck man, grab her, she’s going...”
The last thing I remember is Gator catching me before I hit the floor. He cradles me in his arms, then it’s total darkness for me.
I wake up in Gator’s arms, we are on the couch in the bar, and he has me draped across his lap. He’s yelling at one of the guys to call Sam and for Maddox to grab me a bottle of water.
He looks down and see’s my eyes slightly open looking at him. His face is pale like he just saw a ghost.
I guess I wasn’t out that long, though if he just asked for Sam now.
“Damn it, Bella, you can't do shit like that to me! You almost gave me a heart attack, Sweetie! I’m too fuckin’ young for one! How do you feel?” He looks so pale, I must have really scared the shit out of him. I never meant for that to happen, I would never want to do that to him or Maddox.
“I feel light-headed still,” I say low because my mouth is suddenly parched and I’m in desperate need of that water. I keep my eyes closed, so the room stops spinning.
“How long was I out for?” I open my eyes a sliver, looking at him through my lashes.
The color is starting to return to his good-looking, rugged face, and he looks more in control of his emotions. Gator’s not the type of man to show his emotions or get rattled like he just did. Now, I feel horrible for making him feel this way after everything he’s done for me.
“Five minutes…” That’s all he gets out because the front doors burst open and I hear loud clobbering, footsteps striding into the bar.
I open my eyes wide, turning my head way too fast and the dizziness returns with a vengeance. I have to close my eyes immediately before I can see who came in, to ward off the nauseous feeling and I fall back into Gator’s chest.
The footsteps get louder and closer to us, and then I hear Gio shout. “Fuck, what the hell happened? Baby, I’m here! I’ll take her, Prez.”
Gio lifts me from Gator’s arms into his, holding me close to his chest. The second I take in his scent, I totally lose it again for an entirely different reason and sob.
I open my eyes once I’m settled in his arms, one is under my legs, and the other is under my arms. I gaze into his eyes until my vision goes blurry from my tears. I grab onto the sides of his kutte with both hands as if my life depends on it. I cry harder, sobbing like a ridiculous baby again, but this time, it’s in my man’s warm, reassuring arms, and not Gator’s.
“Princess, I’m here,” Gio whispers in my ear and shakes his head. “For The love of Christ, I’m never going to leave you again, I promise. Te lo prometto, baby, I’m sorry I ever left you in the first place. Ti amo, mio angelo.” He promises never to leave me again as I continue to cry happy tears of relief. I’m so happy he's finally home, my heart doesn’t hurt as bad, it’s mending now that I’m back where I belong.
I digest my husband’s appearance, his handsome, scruffy and haggard face with shadows under his eyes. He hasn’t shaved since he left me, his hair is messy - helmet hair - and he looks so tired, he may fall over just like I did a few minutes ago. Nevertheless, he still looks sexy as fuck to me.
“Oh, Gio, sei davvero a casa, mi sei mancato tanto, amore mio,” I weep, not trusting my voice through my tears. God, is he really home? Oh, God knows how much I missed him, and I tell him so repeatedly. I hold on to him tighter quivering.
“Mi mancavi troppo, mia bella Principessa,” he whispers in my ear, telling me he missed me too. He kisses the top of my head as he draws me closer to his chest and I wrap my arms around his neck. He’s still standing in the bar holding me.
“Prez, what the hell happened to her?” Gio asks pissed and loud enough for Gator to hear as Maddox comes closer with a bottle of water for me.
“Not really sure what happened, man,” Gator replies. “She was fine when we walked back from the lake. Then all of a sudden, Maddox is yelling for me to grab her... I got her just in time before she hit the floor. She passed out in my arms, and I had Bear call Sam, she should be here soon. She’s most likely just dehydrated from being outside in the heat all day. She needs water, and you should probably try to get her to eat something too. I don’t think she’s had anything today and she only drank a couple of bottles of water while she was outside.”
Maddox hands me the bottle of water. “Drink, Sugar, it will help,” Maddox orders me, and I do as I’m told and take the bottle. I down half of it in a couple of chugs. Very unladylike, I know, but I need it I’m parched.
I watch has Gator and Maddox’s faces become angry, angry with me. They’re upset with me because I haven’t been taking care of myself. I am too, but I couldn’t help it. This has been the worst week since I’ve had Gio back in my life.
I can admit that to myself now. Hell, I can admit it to the whole fucking world, if they want me to. I never hurt this bad, not even after the first time Gio left me was it this bad. I never felt physical pain in my heart in my entire life and never want to feel it again. Not even...was it bad, I don’t think.
Blaze and Ace come over to join us, and I begin to feel smothered again with these five big men watching me. I bend my head to his chest, to avert their scrutinizing eyes on me.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but my heart hurts so bad. It was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I hate feeling this way. I’m sorry, I’ll work on it. Please, don’t hate me for this, please,” I mumble so only Gio can hear me, but I’m sure the guys caught what I said. They are practically on top of us.
“Look at me, baby!” Gio orders, and I immediately look up at him. I see the look in his eyes change from worried to hurt. I’ve hurt him; I didn’t mean to hurt him. I never want to do that to him, ever! What is wrong with me?
“Stop it now, baby!” he whisper-yells sternly. “I could never hate you for the way you feel. You have nothin’ to be sorry for, if anyone should be sorry, it’s me. I should have known better than to leave you so soon, especially after what went down in the club. I’m sorry, baby. I promise I’ll never leave you again. I saw it in your eyes the day I left, and I dismissed it and left anyway. I’m such an ass for doin’ that, you’re strong, but you still need more time to heal, and you need me. There is nothin’ wrong with you or that, mio angelo. I will always be here for you no matter what; all you have to do is talk to me. Ti amo, mia bella Principessa.” He places a sweet kiss on my lips, and I take my hands on both sides of his face, cupping it. Then he pulls back and takes the bottle in my hand up to my lips. I gulp down the other half, and then he tells the guys he’s taking me to our apartment.
Gator takes the empty bottle from me before we move away.
“Beast, do you want me to bring dinner up to you two? Cindy and Jules have been cooking all day in our kitchen,” Gator asks, and I’m relieved. I’d rather he bring us dinner than have to endure Aunt Cindy and her assertiveness. Don’t get me wrong, I do love her, but she hovers too much, and it’s suffocating.
“That would be great, thanks.” I could care less about food, though. To be honest, I’m just glad to finally be back in Gio’s arms. I’m never letting him go again, ever! I need him too much, and I will talk to him and be truthful with him about how I felt when he was gone.
“I’ll bring it up in a few with Jules if that’s good with you?” Ace asks, Gio nods heading to the back of the building. I can hear the concern in Ace’s voice. I know why he wants to be the one to deliver our food; he wants to check up on me himself. He’s become like a real brother to me and cares about Gigi and me just as much as he loves Jules.
“Prez, can you set mom and Gigi up in the Clubhouse for the night. Tell them I’ll see them in the mornin’. I need some alone time with my wife,” Gio yells over his shoulder.
“Sure, I’ll set them up in a room together. Beast, hold her close,” Gator orders him as we head out the back door.
“I plan on it. Thanks, Gator and Maddox, for taking care of my girl’s while I was gone,” Gio yells back to them as we head out the back door and the door slams shut behind us. I never hear Gator or Maddox’s reply because the door slams shut. Gio heads upstairs and straight to our empty, quiet apartment.
A night alone with my husband is just what the doctor ordered. I’m not leaving the comfort of his embrace for a long time if I have it my way. This is my safe haven, and I need it to stay sane and happy. I need the nightmares to stay at bay, so I can get a good night's sleep with my man, and then I’ll feel better. I hope that things can go back to semi-normal now that he’s home. We need normal to start our future and family soon. As much as that scares me, it also excites me. Having a baby depending on me is scary, but I know with Gio and our family around it will all be good.
Gio takes us to our bedroom and lays us down on our bed. We gaze into each other’s eyes for a long while, and my tears continue to fall at a slower pace. He holds me close on top of him, and I can feel how fast his heart is beating in his chest against mine. We don’t talk, no words are needed right now.
A half an hour later, Ace and Jules arrive with our dinner. We all sit in the kitchen, talking and eating together. Tonight, we are having grilled chicken, mash potatoes, roasted carrots, and salad. I eat very little, but I do eat some, at Gio’s demand.
Gio never takes his hand from mine while we sit at the table eating. After we eat, we all move into the living room and sit on the couch. He places me on his lap, and I wrap my arms around his neck. Thankfully, they don’t plan on staying too long.
After spending ten minutes in the living room talking, they stand to leave as Gigi burst through the front door. Aunt Cindy is hot on her tail, as she pounces on Gio and me.
She apparently broke away from the guys, wanting to see Gio, and Aunt Cindy followed her up to stop her. My baby sister was too fast for her.
Sam stops in to check on me a few minutes later and tells me if anything changes to call her.
We spend a few minutes holding Gigi, and then they all leave us.
We enjoy dessert together alone, Aunt Cindy came back up with it. Gio feeds me a couple of bites of the French vanilla ice cream and chocolate cake, and then he finishes the rest.
Once we’re finished, he takes me to our bedroom.
He strips himself and then me before settling in bed, skin to skin for the night.
After he makes sweet, passionate, blissful love to me a couple of times, we talk. I open up to him about everything I felt while he was gone. We discuss how I can work through my emotions.
I feel like a child that needs her blankey, Gio being my blankey. I constantly need to be touching him, when I’m not, I feel cold, alone, and empty. He seems to have gotten it and has kept me close to him since he laid eyes on me.
He doesn’t keep me up all night, but we do stay up late, we both need sleep desperately. The bags under our eyes have bags, that’s how badly we need a peaceful rest.
I finally feel complete again with him back. For the last six days, a piece of me was missing, and I was miserable without him.
I did my best to deal without him here the first few days. I knew that was what he needed from me, but it just about killed a part of me in the process and maybe him too.