With our picnic chairs set up along the sideline, Dakota’s biggest fans, Jagger, Emerson, Hendrix, and I are here cheering her and her team on, hoping they win this game, and make it to the quarterfinals.

Seated in a row, Jagger and Emerson sit in between Hendrix and I; playing as our usual buffers. We used to be able to co-exist, but lately being around him is everything my masochistic heart wants. Every time we’re together, it’s just another layer being ripped off, exposing what I’ve been trying to keep hidden for years.

I feel like a balloon. Each year that’s passed I fill myself up with shame, humiliation, and disappointment, but now I’ve finally reached the part where the balloon can’t hold it together anymore. And I’m so close to bursting.

The halftime whistle blows, the score nil all, and a bunch of fifteen and sixteen-year-old girls ready to rip each other apart. For such a non-contact sport the mood and undertone is ruthless.

Jagger and Hendrix huddle with the team, pretending they know anything about soccer when really they just like to scare all the other parents from falling in the trap of sideline coaching.

“Want some?” Emerson offers me some dried apples, and I turn my nose up at them in disgust.

“I really don’t know how you eat those. The texture in your mouth is gross.”

“They’re not that bad,” she argues. “And they’re so healthy.”

“Please, just eat unhealthy shit like the rest of us.”

We laugh with ease, a friendship I never thought I would want, yet somehow, I cherish dearly. So caught up in my own bubble I didn’t know I needed an outsider. Someone who I don’t have a history with, someone I can start fresh with. Someone who isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings when I need to get the fuck out of my own head.

We both watch Jagger and Drix walk side by side across the field. Guaranteed our thoughts are very different, but we get caught up in their presence all the same.

“Can I ask you something about Hendrix?”

“I don’t know how helpful I’ll be, but my ears work just fine.”

“Is he with your friend Taylah?”

She uncrosses her legs, only to cross them again. “The truth?”

“Please.”

“I don’t know if there’s anything going on right now.” She turns her head to face me, her expression unreadable as her sunglasses cover her eyes. “But there’s a very high possibility that something may happen between them in the future.”

“Why am I even surprised?” I murmur to myself “He’s a catch, any sane woman would jump through hoops to have him.”

“So are you insane?”

“Huh?”

She raises her shades letting them sit on the top of her head, her eyes boring into mine. “So, why are you not with him?”

Unruffled by her frustration, I answer her honestly. “I don’t deserve him.”

“Maybe not, but isn’t that his choice to make?”

“No.”

“No?” The resentment in her tone lessens as she realises nothing she can say will change my mind. “You’re going to lose him.”

“You can’t lose something you never really had.”

“But Sasha, you’ve always had him.”

The music blares from inside the house, and I feel someone close behind me. Standing on the back porch, wide eyes from my friends settle on me as an arm curves around my waist. Praying it's the one person I want it to be, I turn around, only to experience full-blown disappointment. “Jay?”

Jay is the bad boy from the shitty part of town that every girl wants to fix. Older than us, he’s rough around the edges, foul-mouthed, and arrogant. There should be no appeal, yet he can’t walk in a room without turning heads.

All the girls want him, and all the boys hate him.

“I’ve been hoping to bump into you.” His eyes dart around the room before landing back on mine. “Your sidekicks around?”

Everybody who’s anybody knows Jagger, Drix, and Jay hate each other. Nobody can tell you how it started, but the older we all get, the more non-negotiable their rivalry became.

“Yeah, I think they’re getting drinks in the kitchen,” I lie. “I should go check on them.”

I knew better than to be seen talking to him. I was already on shaky grounds with both Drix and Jagger, and this would just send us tumbling into overdrive.

“Has anyone told you, you're a really bad liar? I know they're not here.”

“Fine, they’re not here,” I huff. “What do you want?”

“I thought we could hang out.”

“Nope.” I shake my head, and step back, farther away from him. “Whatever game you’re playing, I’m not in.”

“Are you sure?” He leans in, his mouth just beside my ear. “I think I’ve got some information that will change your mind.”

A shiver runs through me, the sneakiness in his voice, a warning I should walk away.

“Word on the street is Drix has been busy sticking it to Bethany.”

Don’t believe him, Sasha, he’s lying.

Drix and I hadn't spoken in weeks. The deadline for me to show up at his house and say I made a mistake came and went. Instead, I lay holed up in my room for the rest of that weekend, crying more tears than I thought I had.

I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect him to disappear into thin air. Isolating himself from everyone, he shows up for the important stuff. School. Sports. Jagger. Anything that might mean he’ll bump into me is a no-go zone.

“Why would I believe you?” I challenge.

“I got eyes and ears everywhere around here, pretty girl.”

I broke up with him for this reason. To allow him to be with someone who would be for him what I couldn’t. Maybe Jay is right. Maybe Bethany is it.

“So, I’ll ask you one more time, you in or out?”

“I don’t know what you’re expecting from me, but we can only hang as friends.”

While a little voice in my head knew better and was screaming at me to walk away from Jay and his schemes, there was another voice. The voice that reminded me I pushed Drix away, Jagger was having a hard time looking at me, and Bethany was obviously waiting in the shadows for her moment to shine. A new friend wasn’t such a bad idea, even if it was Jay.

It could be a twisted version of a fresh start. I didn’t care what Jay thought of me, with him I wouldn’t need to play nice with Bethany, or hide my hurt from losing Jagger, as well as Drix. With him, the circle of people would be different. Everyone wouldn’t know about me and Drix and ask if I was okay. If I let myself, I could use Jay, as much as I know he’s using me, and just let it all go.

“No worries, pretty girl. I’ll take what I can get.”

“He hasn’t been mine for way longer than he ever was.” The memory brings about nostalgia that I often try to avoid. But every now and then talking about it makes it real, and I need that. So much time has passed I often wonder if I’ve made up how much I love him, or how much I hurt him.

“That’s bullshit,” Emerson argues. Her passion is admirable. It’s how I know Jagger didn’t ever stand a chance against her. “All that is, is labels. He’s been there and loved you through it all.”

“You think, I think he hasn’t done enough?” Uncertain I’m understanding her, I clarify. “You think that’s why we’re not together?”

“I’m just trying to piece it all together.”

“It’s not that complicated.” I look out onto the field, turning my body away from hers. “I’m sorry if that disappoints anyone, but it all comes down to one simple truth.” My voice cracks at the one thought that plagues me. “He’s perfect. I’m not.”

Thinking the conversation is over, I’m surprised when she grabs my hand. “I’m not going to make a deal about the last thing you said, because I know it hurts. But it’s not true.” She gives my hand a firm squeeze. “Everybody is perfect in their own way.”

Clearing her throat, she places her hand back in her lap, and I rub my nose to hold back the tears. “So, what happened with Jay?”

A soft laugh leaves my mouth. “Much to my surprise he actually grew on me. We spent a few months hanging out, and I guess you could say I kinda liked him.”

Drix and Jagger’s loud screams have me doing a quick scan of the field, making sure Dakota isn’t hurt. Realising they’re just mad about a hand ball, I look back at Em. “It wasn’t like what I felt with Hendrix. Nothing was ever like that, but it was fun. Carefree.”

“Past all the bullshit, I opened up to him, and he got me through a really hard time. I knew he could be a prick of a kid, but behind closed doors he let himself be young and funny. The facade faded.”

“Sounds like he made you happy.”

“He filled a gap for a while,” I say, wistfully, remembering the brief amount of happiness I felt with him before it went to shit. “But I stupidly gave him my virginity and he ghosted me.”

“What?” Her face blanches “I didn’t see that coming.”

“The ghosting hurt, but what did I expect? He was notorious for treating people like shit, and true colours always come out in the end.” I let out an exhausted sigh, the trip down memory lane more than I bargained for this morning. “I found out later Jagger had told him to stay the fuck away from me. So, I guess he figured he’d use me to show Jagger who was boss.”

“Can I ask why you had sex with Jay?”

“That’s the million dollar question, right?” It was the question I never had a concrete answer for. I remember the headspace I was in at the time, and the reasoning I used to justify it, but now it’s just another reason to be mad with myself. It’s been my motive for raising a daughter who will never fall victim to the traps of insecurity, and second guesses. “I’d placed such a big deal on sex with Hendrix. I don’t even know why, all my friends were doing it. Hell, even my mum thought I was.

“I knew sex changed things, and I was scared of change. We’d already gone from friends to lovers, and I would have a moment of panic every day, worried I’d fuck it up. I managed to do it anyway.” The tears from earlier find their way back, and I’m grateful my sunglasses are hiding my pain. “So, I thought what the heck, you’re never going to be able to have that special moment with Drix, anyway. I dove right in, knowing nothing would ever compare.” I lower my chin to my chest and let the tears flow. I was right in thinking nothing would compare, and I’ve been paying the price in different types of currencies for as long as I can remember. I take a deep breath, and my breath comes back out in hiccups. “It was childish and stupid, and it didn’t take long for me to see that, but by then the wheels were already set in motion.” The noise of the game fades, as I look from Jagger and Drix to Dakota. My life’s awkward triangle. “I didn’t have time to worry about all the mistakes I’d made. I had to make sure none of them touched my newborn baby.”