All I’ve done is sleep and eat and go to work. Every day is on repeat and every thought is on rotation.

Any time I’ve ever imagined Sasha saying those words to me, I felt pure elation. Like nothing in the world would ever top having her in my life, as mine, after all this time.

But then Taylah happened, and even the reality of Sasha wanting to be mine, isn’t enough to subside the ache in my chest.

I miss her, more than I ever thought I could. I miss her despite the mess my head is, and I miss her despite the last fifteen years of my life feeling like one big lie.

I want to run into her arms, and beg her to never let me go. I let myself love her, through all the bullshit she pushed through, and I won’t ever be able to forget her.

I love her.

I just don’t know what to do from here on out. I don’t know how to move past the pain, and bring myself back to her.  

I expected the fight with Sasha at the party. She does that, she’s always done that with me. Pushed and pulled any chance she got. But when she told me she was ready, and she kissed me. My heart broke because the woman I loved for so long, didn’t know me at all.

She was hoping I would kiss her back. Relapse. Forget about the woman that chose to put me back together, because she spent so much time pulling me apart.

My biggest heartache, is seeing Sasha in a different light. It’s painful, and it’s life changing. The fact that I should’ve seen it so much sooner, has me hating myself more than I ever thought I could.

I hate myself for loving her for so long. I hate myself for giving her the power over my life that she didn’t deserve. And I hate her, because now I feel weak, and undeserving.

I think I loved the idea of Sasha and I, more than I actually loved her. I wanted what was supposed to be rightfully mine, and I wanted to show the world that perseverance pays off. I was in love with the sweet and innocent girl who told me I light up her world, except I couldn’t see that we were both growing and changing. We were no longer those people, no matter how bad I wanted it to be true.

If I met Sasha today, had no history with her, and wasn’t the uncle to her daughter, she wouldn’t be the woman for me.

But if I met Taylah today and didn’t have all those things to contend with, I’d already be on one knee telling her she’s it for me.

In all this, Taylah is the prize, I just have to show her I’m worthy enough to win.

Lost in a mountain of paperback that needed to be brought home, I mishear the soft knocks at my front door. Getting louder, the noise registers, and I head to open up. Expecting Jagger, who has threatened numerous times to show up and pull me out of my funk, I’m surprised to see Sasha on the other side of my door.

Wearing baggy clothes, sporting dark circles under her eyes, and biting her nails. I haven’t seen her look this out of sorts since Dakota was born.

“What’s wrong? Is Dakota okay?”

“Of course she is,” she says looking confused. “Why would you think that?”

“Because I can’t think of any other reason you would feel the need to show up here.”

The hostility in my voice doesn’t even take time to warm up, Sasha’s presence sending it into overdrive quicker than I expected.

“Drix, don’t be like that.”

“Please, don’t tell me how to be. Don’t you think you’ve done enough of that?”

Looking moderately embarrassed, she averts her eyes before asking if we can take it inside. Swinging the door open with enough force for her to get the hint. She walks in and makes herself comfortable on my couch.

“What is so important, you needed to come over?”

“You don’t think you’ve avoided me enough? It’s been two weeks. I’ve been waiting to hear from you.”

“To hear about what?”

“Us. Together.”

The words us does nothing. My heart doesn’t jumpstart, my mind doesn’t race into the future, and I can’t even muster a smile. “You can’t be serious, Sasha?”

Her eyes widen incredulously. “What’s wrong with you? Of course I’m serious.”

“Sash.” I sit beside her on the couch, ridding myself of the tension, choosing my words carefully. “I don’t want to be with you. I don’t love you.”

Her tears fall, and it’s the time I would usually stop. I would do my best to rid her of the pain and coddle her as best I could; but those days are over. “And while you think it stings, you’ll realise you don’t love me either.”

She doesn’t protest and it alleviates the small amount of guilt I have.

“You love the idea of me. The idea of us, and if we get together now, it’s just going to be another six months or a year of our lives, where we could be with people that make us so much happier.”

“Like Taylah.”

At the mention of her name, every broken piece inside me begins to meld itself together. Sasha talking about Taylah should sting. There should be internal conflict and worry that whichever I choose, the grass may be greener on the other side. But it doesn’t happen. The conflict doesn’t come. And I know without a shadow of a doubt. I’m going to make her mine.

“Exactly, like Taylah.”

“You really love her, don’t you?”

I wipe away her tears, and kiss the top of her head. “I really fucking love her. “

I move off the couch, and walk to my front door. It’s a little rude and abrasive, but this isn’t just figurative, I need to literally shut the door on this part of my life, to finally be able to chase the next part.

“When it’s time, I’ll tell her and hopefully I’ll be worthy enough of her.”

She catches on to my movements, and meets me at the door. She looks at me with sad eyes, and I look at her with a clear mind.

“You’re more than worthy Drix.” She kisses me on the cheek, before heading out the door. “Don’t ever let someone make you feel otherwise.”