Chapter 17

Pacey

 

 

One second, Juliana’s hands were in my hair, tugging at it hard, encouraging me, but the next, they were pushing at my chest, and she turned her head slightly to break the hottest fucking kiss in the history of the universe. 

We were both breathing heavily, but Juliana gulped in a few deep breaths, gasping. “I just, I need to catch my breath, Pacey.”

“Okay,” I agreed, dropping my lips to her neck to keep kissing her soft skin. She smelled fucking great and tasted even better. I couldn’t wait to get her to my bedroom and taste her properly, to feel her thighs clamping down around my head and—

“I should go,” she mumbled, sounding like she regretted saying the words as much as I did hearing them.

“The only place you should go is my bedroom,” I whispered into her ear, nibbling at the lobe and tracing the shell with my tongue.

Juliana shuddered, but shook her head, “No, I can’t. It’s getting late. I have to work in the morning.”

“I do too,” I told her, squeezing her hips and imploring her with my eyes to stay. “It’s only a short drive from here back to your place in the morning. I promise to wake you up on time.”

I was rewarded with a small smile, and when she pressed her lips to mine in a soft kiss, I thought I had her, but then she shook her head again. “I can’t, Pacey. I can’t stay.”

“Why not?”

She let go of my shoulders, and I stepped back, grudgingly dropping my hands out from under her shirt. Juliana took one of them, folding both of her small hands over it.

“I don’t want to rush into anything right now. I just broke up with Scott, and I want to see where things go between us,” she said sincerely, her eyes pleading for understanding.

Tilting my head, I gave it one last shot, closing my fingers over hers. “They could go to my bedroom?”

Juliana giggled softly, sighing, “I wish, but I really should get going.”

“Okay, let me walk you out,” I said. Juliana ducked away from me and went to get her bag while I adjusted my dick so that I would be able to walk her out.

“Thanks for dinner,” she said when we reached her car. “And thank your friend for me, too.”

I smiled and pulled her in for a last kiss, brushing her lips softly with mine and wishing like nothing that she would change her mind. She didn’t.

She opened her door, turning to face me before she slid in. “Call me, okay?”

“Okay.”

The next minute she was gone, the taillights of her Jeep disappearing around the corner. I ran my hands through my hair and went back inside, disappointed that she’d left just when things were starting to get all hot and heavy.

I thought for sure that the old romantic dinner and the moonlit walk would be enough to seal the deal. Apparently not.

Juliana had proven yet again that she wasn’t like the other girls I’d been with, and the thought made my stomach lurch, though I had no idea why. Somewhere between my front door and my kitchen, the reason hit me.

She was no longer a taken woman. She was already showing signs of wanting more. Fuck, she’d come right out and said it.

I want to see where things go between us. I don’t know how I’d missed that miserable little tidbit, but I chalked it up to the heat of the moment.

Juliana wanted something more than one night; she wanted a relationship. And that was something I couldn’t abide. The one thing I couldn’t give her.

A revenge, rebound fuck and couple of orgasms: hell yeah, I was her guy. A shoulder to cry on and someone to brush her teeth with in the mornings, listen to her triumphs and losses and whatever: I wasn’t that guy. Not anymore.

I couldn’t believe that I’d been distracted enough to miss that point. She really did do something to me, that fucking girl. Hitting the start button on the dishwasher when I reached the kitchen, I grabbed another beer from the fridge and sank down into a chair at the beat-up table in a daze. 

How the hell had I let things go so far that she’d ventured into relationship territory? I was a master at the game, so why was I so far off it?

I didn’t ever even let myself think about relationships, because it felt like a betrayal to May’s memory, and suddenly I was on the road to ‘let’s see where it goes?’

No. Nope. Couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it.

Juliana had broken up with her boyfriend yesterday, for Christ’s sake. I’d known that he was an asshole, of course, but had he been so much of an asshole that she could possibly already be interested in anything more than rebound sex?

Clearly.

I felt like a dick for leading her on, but I would have to let her down gently. Tell her that the only place I could go with her was to bed and take it from there. I didn’t even know if I should do that much. I’d agreed to call her, though I had no idea why I’d done that, either.

I didn’t do calls. I never called. Not even slightly drunken booty calls, because on the rare occasion that I did repeat performances, it was when I ran into some girl at a bar and let my cock lead the way.

Fuck. I ran my hands through my hair again. And again. Blinking stupidly into the kitchen light that hung above my head. Juliana seemed like a good person, and I liked her. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I’d inadvertently gotten myself into a position where I would likely have to.

Get over yourself, asshole! You’re not all that.

No. I wouldn’t hurt her. We’d kissed twice. That was it. That was all there was to it; I wasn’t in a position to hurt her.

I should’ve thanked her, actually. Her walking out had kept me from making a mistake of epic proportions, because if I’d fucked her while she thought there was a chance at a relationship, that would’ve hurt her.

A part of my mind was wondering why there wasn’t a chance at a relationship, but I shut that shit down almost before the thought had the opportunity to fully form. Sure, I bagged a lot of women, but I only had one girl.

And that was May.

I never opened my heart to any of the women I slept with because it belonged to May. Always had, always would. It had to.

Why?

The question plagued me as I drained my beer and switched off lights on my way to my bedroom. I took another shower to clear my head, but unfortunately, I didn’t own any soap that could scrub my brain.

Flashing briefly on the tequila in my fridge, I decided against it. Getting fucked up wasn’t the answer.

I collapsed into my bed, naked since I hadn’t bothered putting anything on after my shower. My thoughts were still in a maelstrom, and it didn’t show any signs of letting up. Questions were racing through my mind, and I had no answers.

Not a one.

Folding my arms behind my head, I stared up at my ceiling in the darkness, only a sliver of moonlight lighting up the room in a pale glow. I considered jerking off since it was a surefire way to clear my head, if only for a few blissful minutes, but as hard and horny as I’d been earlier, I wasn’t feeling it now.

In a word, I was fucked. My mind was warring, and when I finally drifted off into fitful bursts of sleep, Juliana and May battled it out for starring in my dreams. They shouldn’t have been, and I knew it; the only person who had a place there was May, but then why was I feeling like shit about Juliana every time that I jerked awake?

I had no explanation for that, not at first, anyway. In the early hours of the morning, when the darkness allowed me to be honest with myself, I realized that it was because Juliana felt great in my arms.

She fit against me like a damn puzzle piece. She was taller than May, and curvier, slotting into my body like she’d been made to be there, but even the thought made me feel like a traitorous cheating bastard.

Or made part of me feel like a traitorous, cheating bastard. It was the part that advocated loyalty to the paragon that was my late girlfriend, but the other part was driving me to connect with the sexy blonde that wouldn’t let go of her hold on my thoughts.

She felt too damn good in my arms to stop thinking about her, or to let her go and walk away just like she had, but May was always there in the back of my mind. The way she would argue with me over which was the best weapon we had in our arsenal, the light in her eyes when we prepared for deployment, and her excitement over our missions. It was all there, and I owed it to her to hang onto all of it.

When the first light of dawn started kissing the treetops beyond my bedroom window, I realized that another night had gone by without my getting enough sleep.

Fuck my life. I could only hope that my coffee kicked in before my reality did.