Chapter Twelve
JENNA HUNG UP the phone from talking with her mother and banged her forehead on the table for the millionth time. That seemed to be a theme for the summer.
“I’m the worst daughter in the world. Seriously.” It was Monday morning, and Jenna, Amy, and Bella were lying in the sun in the quad behind Jenna’s cottage, debating walking the hundred or so steps to the pool or driving to the beach, each too lazy to make a decision, much less get up and go.
“No, you’re not. You’re dealing with a lot right now. Your mom knows that.” Amy shaded her eyes from the sun and reached for Jenna’s hand.
“No, she doesn’t. I didn’t tell her about Pete.” Sadness welled in her chest as she thought about her mother, which always brought her mind to her father. Although she wasn’t in close contact with him, they talked every few weeks. A brief catch-up phone call, like he was checking off a to-do list, and though she didn’t hate him for everything that was going on in his life and he hadn’t left her mother for his young bride-to-be, every time she heard the pain in her mother’s voice, or saw her mother’s emotional turmoil masked by a forced smile and her ridiculous new costumes, it drove an arrow of anger through her, aimed directly at her father.
“Why not?” Amy wore a light pink bikini, and she’d painted her toenails pink to match. She wiggled them now as she waited for Jenna to answer.
“Because. I don’t know. She’s so in my face these days. She’d ask a lot of questions and want to talk about sex—and there’s no way I’m talking about that with my mother.”
“Especially sex with Pete,” Bella added as she twisted her hair into a pile on top of her head and secured it with a clip.
“I still can’t get over our mild-mannered Pete coming out of his shell. How did we not see that side of him? Ever?”
“Seriously,” Amy agreed.
“If I had seen it, I probably would have been even worse off around him.” Jenna sighed, thinking of being in his arms, the sheer strength of him, and the way he looked at her like she was the most delectable creature on earth. “What do you make of the sudden end to our date? I mean, we know he’s not married or anything, so what would send him running off like that when I was ready to spend the night? Do you think it was just an excuse? Like he’s second-guessing this whole thing?”
Bella slid her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose and looked at Jenna over the enormous brown frames. “You established boyfriend, girlfriend. There’s no way he reconsidered.”
“He could have. Maybe he thought about it while he was on the phone and realized I am a pain in the butt. Oh no! Bella! What if that call was his emergency call?”
Amy gasped and swung her legs over the side of her lounge chair, staring at Bella with worry in her eyes. Bella sat up, and Jenna followed, trying for the millionth time to ignore the worry over her parents. Is there really such thing as forever for a relationship?
“You guys?” Jenna’s heart raced. “Maybe the connection we felt was momentary for him. I have to know.” She needed to talk to Pete, not wallow in her parents’ messy lives or let it screw up her hopes and dreams. Jenna jumped to her feet and gathered her towel in her arms.
“Where are you going?” Bella asked as she gathered her suntan lotion and slipped into her flip-flops.
“I’m going to Pete’s to see if he’s working on his boat. I have to talk to him.”
“Jenna, wait.” Bella was on her feet in seconds, holding on to Jenna’s arm. “If that was his emergency call, you don’t want to get upset in front of him. Are you sure you don’t want to call first? Maybe find out over the phone so you’re not alone? Just in case?”
She looked at her friends, both ready to stand beside her in her pain. She knew they’d both say horrible things about Pete if that was his emergency call. They’d slay him forever in all their minds—and after she got over the devastation of losing Pete, she’d probably thank them for it.
“No, but thank you. I couldn’t have misinterpreted our connection. I’ve never felt so much for a man in my entire life, and I swear, if you could have seen his eyes, you would have thought he felt the same thing, too. I can handle this.”
She headed for her house to grab a sundress to throw over her bikini. She turned back and said, “Besides, if I fall apart, I know you guys will be here waiting to put me back together.”
“With two full bottles of Middle Sister wine, which Amy and I will go buy right now.” Bella dragged Amy toward her cottage. “Come on, Ames. I need to grab my keys and purse.”
Twenty minutes later, Jenna drove down the private road leading to Pete’s house. The sun streaked through the tips of the tall trees that bordered the narrow road, striping the shaded areas with bright sunlight. It was a strange feeling to know that this time yesterday morning she didn’t know exactly where he lived, and just a day later, she not only knew, but had an intimate look inside who Pete really was. It wasn’t just the way they’d come together, or the power of his sexuality. She’d seen who he really was, marked by the family photographs all over his house, the masculine style of his furniture—substantial pieces of wood and warm, dark colors—the puppy beds in each room. The thing that lingered in her mind the strongest was that despite so many homey touches and Joey, when she’d first walked in, his house had felt a little lonely.
She breathed a sigh of relief when she spotted his truck in the driveway. She parked behind it, and Joey bounded toward her from the barn, a good sign that Pete was in there, too. She crouched to pet Joey, who flopped right onto her back.
“Is your daddy home?” Jenna glanced toward the bay. The tide was on its way out, and the view of the wet sand was calming. She drew in a deep breath and then pushed to her feet.
“Come on, let’s find Pete.” She followed Joey as she sprinted into the barn. Country music filtered out the oversized doors. Jenna stopped at the entrance, mesmerized by the enormous boat looming above her, propped up by several metal stands that were also much taller than her.
Joey barked and ran around to the far side of the boat.
“Hey there, girl.” Pete’s voice sent a shiver through her. He was talking to Joey, and obviously hadn’t seen her yet. She spied his booted feet and followed them up to his muscular calves. Her view of him was blocked by one of the metal stands and the swell of the boat.
Jenna didn’t rush to his side, though she wanted to more than anything. Instead she took in the barn and bided her time, trying to figure out how to handle asking about the way their date had ended. She had much more confidence when she was with Bella and Amy, which was silly, given that she’d been so intimate with Pete.
She looked up at the ceiling. I can do this. He loves me. I know he does.
There were windows along the top of the exterior walls of the barn, and a built-in workbench ran along the wall to her left. The barn smelled of freshly sanded wood, paint, and the distinct scent of Pete. She heard a giant fan whirring but didn’t see it until she walked around the boat to where Pete stood in a pair of low-slung cargo shorts. His body glistened with sweat, and as he reached above his head, applying something in a long line across the lower section of the boat, his biceps flexed and his abs tightened. Jenna shivered with the memory of wrapping her hands around those muscles. Pete wiped his brow with the crook of his arm and looked down at Joey, wagging her tail at his feet. Pete flashed an easy smile—then his eyes followed Joey as she came to Jenna’s side.
Pete’s smile widened.
“Jenna.” He set down the tools he’d been holding, and in a few determined steps, he folded her into his arms, lifted her up, and pressed his lips to hers, obliterating the worry that the phone call had been a means for escape.
When their lips parted, he still held her against him. Jenna didn’t care about the perspiration soaking her sundress, or the fact that Joey was circling them and barking. She was overcome with the love in Pete’s embrace.
“I’m so glad you’re here. I was going to call you later, but I didn’t want to smother you.” He kissed her again and then lowered her feet to the ground.
She hooked her finger in his shorts, not wanting to break the connection.
“Okay, that’s a lie,” he admitted. “I want to consume every second of your time, but I don’t want to scare you off.”
“You did scare me, but you didn’t scare me off.” Jenna followed Pete’s eyes down to her chest, where two enormous wet spots circled her breasts from being pressed against his chest. “You’ve marked me.”
He pulled her close. “Not well enough, I haven’t.” He kissed her again, a long, deep kiss, as he had last night.
Heavenly.
He took her hand and walked out of the barn with Joey on their heels. “Come on. We’ll talk.” They walked to the edge of the bluff, where Pete pulled her down by his side on the large rocks. “I’m so sorry about last night. It was a struggle not to show up at your cottage when I was done.”
Done? She didn’t want to sound like a jealous girlfriend, but…she was. She couldn’t help it. “Was everything okay?”
He ran his hand through his hair, and his eyes became hooded. “Yeah, I guess.”
“I was worried that the phone call was a setup. You know, from a friend, so you had a way out of our date.”
Joey flopped down behind them with a loud sigh.
He laughed. “Do people really do that?”
She wasn’t about to admit that yes, she and her friends did do that. Things were so different for guys, she assumed. They must not worry about escaping. She thought of all of the dates she’d had in recent years, and the ones that went poorly were easily ended without the emergency call. It was a silly idea, but it had been carried forward from their teenage years, and knowing the girls were at the ready had bolstered her confidence.
He slung his warm arm over her shoulder and pressed his lips to her temple. “I thought our date was anything but bad, and I want more time with you, Jenna. The last thing I wanted to do was escape.”
She breathed a sigh of relief.
“Hey.” He lifted her chin so they were gazing into each other’s eyes. “Don’t worry about that stuff. You’re not a fling. I told you that. I should have kissed you years ago, picked you up and held you tight and made you realize that you didn’t have to be nervous around me. Heck, Jenna, I should have forced myself to stop questioning if we’d work or not and push away all the outside influences.”
Pete’s eyes grew serious, and worry lines appeared on his forehead. He rubbed his hands on his shorts, then settled his hand over hers.
“But in all honesty, Jenna, there are some things that can’t be pushed aside completely. I think we need to talk about last night.”
Jenna swallowed hard. After everything he just said, she should feel calm and secure, but the tension in his hand indicated how heavy his thoughts were and made her nervous all over again.
He trained his eyes on their hands. “You know my dad.”
“Sure. I mean, I’ve met him a few times at the hardware store. He seems really nice. How’s he doing since your mom passed away?”
Pete turned away and drew in a deep breath. When he turned back, he tightened his grip on her hand.
“This is really hard for me to share, Jenna. He’s not doing very well, and no one knows about this but my family.” He paused, and the muscle in the side of his jaw repeatedly bulged.
“Pete, you don’t have to tell me—”
“I want to tell you, Jenna. I don’t want any secrets between us, and if we keep seeing each other, this will definitely have an impact.”
“If?” The word slipped out like a whisper. She closed her mouth tightly against the insecurity.
He took her cheeks in his hands and searched her eyes. “I want to be with you. Don’t ever think otherwise. I spent years second-guessing, Jenna, and I realize we’ve spent only one night together. I get how crazy that seems. But we’ve known each other for years, and last night felt like we’d somehow put a label on us, and all those previous years, when we liked each other and were too blind to come together, were building a foundation of friendship and trust that we never realized we were building.”
“I thought it was just me. I feel all those things, too. That’s why I came over. I didn’t want to believe that you didn’t feel the same.”
“I definitely feel the same, but you might change your mind when you hear what I have to say.” He let out a loud breath. “After my mom died, Pop’s drinking spiraled out of control. He’s a functioning alcoholic, Jenna, and it’s not an easy situation for any of us.”
“Oh, Pete. I’m sorry.” Here she was worrying about her mother being too clingy and he had real issues he was dealing with. “Have you tried to get him help? What about your brothers and sister? I guess they’re too far away to help?”
Pete nodded. “My brothers staged an unsuccessful intervention a few months after we realized what was going on, but all that did was piss him off. Sky doesn’t know, or at least I’ve tried to protect her from all of this. She and our mom were really close, and Sky had such a hard time when our mom died that I worry what seeing our father like this would do to her. She’s just starting to find herself again.” Pete ran his hand though his hair, and pain flashed in his eyes.
“So she has no idea?”
Pete shook his head.
“Pete, I don’t know what Sky is like, but if I had siblings and they kept something like this from me, I would probably be pissed. I mean, he is her father, too.”
When he spoke again, his voice was deep and serious. “Sky was twenty-two when our mom died and Pop started drinking. She bounced from job to job; she was barely keeping her head above water. We were all very worried about her. I went and stayed with her for a couple weeks, dragged her out of bed each day, made her face her feelings and life without our mom. I tried to get her into therapy. I thought talking would help, but she refused to go. But she opened up to me. She’s still open with me.” He shook his head again. “I did the right thing, Jenna. I did the only reasonable thing. I’ll tell her, eventually.”
“And what about your dad? Does he admit he has a problem?” She had no idea Pete was dealing with such a tremendously difficult family problem, or had been for two years. Now, as she looked back, she wondered if his being quiet or more reserved was driven by his being sidetracked. Who wouldn’t be?
“When Pop’s sober and I try to talk with him about his drinking, he’s adamant that he doesn’t have a problem and that he just misses my mother, which I know he does. Then I feel guilty for trying to push him into AA meetings or rehab. And honestly, I think he’s past the AA stage. He’s worried about people in town finding out and losing business because of it. To be honest, I think he needs real, full-time help to beat this.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. What happens when he’s drinking?”
Pete scrubbed his hand down his face. “He’s consumed with my mom. He doesn’t remember that she died, so he asks where she is. It’s pretty heartbreaking.”
“He’s right about people finding out, but the alternative is not good for either of you.” Jenna slid her hand around the back of his neck and kneaded the tension from his muscles. “I’m sorry you’ve been going through this alone.”
Pete pulled back. “I can handle it, but—” He looked away again.
Jenna realized how deeply this was impacting him, and she wasn’t sure how to help, but she desperately wanted to. “Well, the next time that happens when we’re together, please don’t feel pressure to leave me behind. I’ll go with you. Maybe I can help.”
He shook his head. “No. You don’t need to see what he’s like.”
“Is he violent?” She began to imagine all sorts of awful situations.
“No. He’s just the opposite. He’s kind of pathetic.”
Jenna saw sadness in Pete’s eyes, but it was the tension and maybe even embarrassment rolling off him that made her chest constrict. Had his father’s alcoholism even allowed for Pete to grieve for his mother, or had it begun immediately after his mother’s death? Was he embarrassed for his father, or for himself? And his choice of words rubbed her the wrong way. Pathetic? That could only come from years of pain.
“Pete, your parents were married a long time. He probably does feel lost without her, but that doesn’t make him pathetic.”
Pete pushed to his feet and paced. His hands fisted, and the muscles in his jaw bunched. “What does it make him, Jenna? She died. She’s not coming back. So you deal with that, right? You say to yourself, Okay, the woman I loved died, but I can’t die right along with her. It sucks, and yes, his life is enormously different. Empty, without her in it. But he’s killing himself, and that would have killed my mother if she were alive to see it.”
Jenna was struck by his words—and his anger. They were so similar to her own, toward her mother. She just needs to get over it and move on. She realized how unfair those words were. She pushed the thought away so she could focus on Pete.
“Pete, I think it makes him a man who loved a woman so deeply that when she died, she took too much of him with her.” She rose to her feet and reached for his hand. His fingers were tense, but she held tight. “She was the glue that held him together. People don’t just become alcoholics. He was probably drinking all along, but her presence kept him in check.”
“Yeah. No kidding.” He pulled his hand away, and Jenna flinched at his spite. He turned back quickly, his eyes heavy with sorrow. “I’m sorry. That was a rotten thing to say. I know you’re right, Jenna. I get it. He was always a drinker, but this…The way he’s throwing in the towel is just not like him. He’s always been the guy who made things happen. The one who made me and my brothers stand up and be men. You know, face your faults and your fears and overcome them. His famous words to us were, Men don’t run from hard times. They conquer them.” Pete set his hands on his hips and looked over at the bay.
“Wait a minute. Pete, do you think he’s doing this on purpose? Do you blame him for this?”
He narrowed his eyes. Then his gaze softened and he reached for her hand. “I’m sorry, Jenna. I didn’t mean to take you down with me. I know he’s not doing this on purpose. But that doesn’t make it any easier to accept, and it doesn’t make his calls any easier to deal with.”
Jenna closed the distance between them and reached up to touch his cheeks. She felt the tightness in his jaw and wanted to ease that tension and take away the sadness in his eyes. She wondered if her friends saw the same sadness and tension when she spoke of her mom.
“Pete, I know you feel like you can, or you should, handle this alone, but I’m going through something with my mom right now, and I’ve been trying to deal with it on my own. It’s hard. It’s really hard. Listening to you talk about your dad made me realize that I was wrong. I don’t need to try to deal with my mom by myself or deal with her by keeping my distance. I need to be closer to her and let her grieve for her marriage in whatever way she needs to, with my support.” She moved closer to him.
“I don’t know if you want me to be there or not, but I want to be here for you. What your father is going through isn’t a reflection on you. It’s a reflection of how much he loved your mom. So what if her death weakened him? He’s already raised you and your siblings. He’s done his job. He’s allowed to fall apart.”
“He’s killing himself,” Pete hissed out.
“Right, which is why you can’t feel guilty about getting him the help he needs. He’s allowed to fall apart, as I was saying, but he can’t be allowed to kill himself in the process. I think you should talk to him more. Make him understand where you’re coming from.”
Pete turned away. His shoulders rounded forward and he put his hands on his hips again. “I’ve talked so much that now when I open my mouth he has a rebuttal out before I even finish. Besides, he’s right about the store. If word gets out, it’ll affect his business, and none of us wants to run it.”
Jenna wrapped her arms around him from behind and pressed her cheek to his back. He covered her hand with his own and exhaled; then he turned in her arms. She loved being close to him, and the more they shared, the closer they became. It pained her to know he’d been carrying this burden alone for so long.
He brushed her hair from her shoulders and ran his thumb over her cheek. “I’m a selfish jerk, aren’t I?”
Jenna was gaining a better understanding of what was really going on, and it was hitting home. If they posed an intervention, it would clearly come down to Pete running the store, since he lived the closest and had the most flexibility in his job. He had his own businesses to think about. She felt bad for his family, and at the same time, Jenna realized how selfish she had been not to give up her vacation time for her mother, when her mother obviously needed her. How could she fault Pete, if she couldn’t fault herself?
“We’re all selfish, Pete. But after going through these last few weeks with my mom, and listening to what you’re going through, I think it’s safe to say that we expect our parents to set aside their own needs and be there for us, maybe even rescue us, for the first eighteen years of our lives. They put that energy into raising us well and teaching us responsibility and empathy for a reason, right? All those years of caring for us, putting up with our teenage stuff, our ignorance, and putting the rest of their lives on hold, it’s got to count for something. I think for some of us—me with my mom and maybe you with your dad—we have to learn to be just as selfless as our parents were. Maybe now it’s our turn to rescue them.”