Chapter Seventeen
WHEN JENNA WAS young, her mother volunteered in the elementary school library, and later, in the town library. Now Jenna watched her mother sorting through books and chatting with the other men and women library volunteers who were closer to her mother’s age. She pictured her mother as the person she’d been before her father had sent her world spinning with the news of his impending marriage. She missed that person, and she hoped she wasn’t gone forever.
Amy sidled up to Jenna, her eyes on Jenna’s mom. “Even though she’s acting weird, it’s really good to see your mom. I missed her.”
“I still miss her,” Jenna admitted.
“Aw, Jenna. She’ll be back to her old self in no time.” Amy patted Jenna’s shoulder. “This is a phase, like when a man goes through a midlife crisis. Did you tell her about Pete yet?”
Jenna sighed. She’d received a sweet text from Pete saying to do what felt right and that he wasn’t going anywhere, but she knew it was wrong to keep their relationship a secret. “No, but I need to. She’s talking about going to drag queen karaoke tonight in P-town, and I want to ask Pete to join us. Is that awful of me? Should I give her all of my attention? I’m so torn. I know she’s only doing this because she’s hurt over my dad getting remarried—speaking of a midlife crisis.” She rolled her eyes. She had no idea if her father was going through a midlife crisis or if he really loved the woman he was marrying, and she didn’t really care either way. She just wanted her parents to be happy, and she didn’t want to be part of defining how that happened.
“I wish your father would just wake up and realize he’s made a mess of things and fix it,” Amy said.
Jenna crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes in her mother’s direction. “You don’t really think she’d take him back? After all this time? I think she’d feel humiliated after he’s been with someone so young.”
Amy shrugged. “Love’s a powerful thing.”
You’re telling me. Jenna thought of waking up in Pete’s arms, and the intimate things he’d shared with her and said to her over the past few days. It wasn’t fair to Pete, or to herself, to act as though they weren’t in love. In love. She was definitely, one hundred percent, in love with Pete, and as she watched her mother heading in their direction, she drew in a deep breath and prepared to do what she should have done at the cottage.
“Speaking of love.” Jenna nodded to her mother. “I guess I better come clean about Pete.”
“That’s my cue to take off. Good luck.” Amy hurried to another table and went back to sorting and pricing books.
“Well, that was nice. It was refreshing to be with people my own age and not feel like I had something to prove.” She looked fondly at the group she’d just been talking with. “Thanks for bringing me with you today. At home I feel like I have to prove something to my friends because, before they were my friends, they were our friends. There’s a whole different dynamic.”
Something to prove? She’d never considered that her mother might be facing such pressure. “I’m sorry you’re going through that, Mom.”
Jenna’s mother patted her hair. “How are you, sweetheart? You look a little worried.”
You could say that. “I’m good.”
She brushed Jenna’s hair from her eyes. “I do love your hair this way. It’s less severe. Sexier.”
“Mom. It’s weird to hear you talk about things that are sexy.”
“Oh, honey. Please. You’re a grown woman.”
“Yes, but you’re still my mother.” And Dad’s still my father. And Pete’s the man I’m in love with. She didn’t know what was worse, knowing her mother was comparing young men to her father or worrying her mother would say things about having sex with Pete. Jenna took a deep breath and took her mother’s hand in hers.
“Can we go outside and talk?” They went out the back door and walked through the lush, flowering garden behind the library. Jenna’s stomach fluttered nervously. She sat on an iron bench and patted the seat beside her.
“Sit with me, Mom.”
“It’s lovely back here, isn’t it? I miss coming up during the summers, and I really enjoyed working in the library. Maybe I should think about going back to work.”
“That would probably be good for you, Mom. Then you’d get your mind off of…” Shoot.
“Your father?”
She said it so matter-of-factly, without the venom that usually laced anything having to do with him, that Jenna had to take a second look at her.
“Yeah. Dad.”
Her mother patted her leg. “Sweetie, I wanted to talk to you about that whole situation. I’m thinking of selling the house.”
Jenna’s eyes opened wide. “Your house?” Jenna wasn’t sure she was ready for her mother to sell the house she grew up in. Selling the house would signify the end of what was. Or maybe the beginning of what is yet to come.
“Well, I can’t exactly sell your house, now, can I?” She smiled, and it was sincere and reminiscent of the genuine smiles Jenna knew so well and missed so much.
Miranda’s smiles had changed dramatically over the last few weeks. They’d become a little conniving, and it was disconcerting. This smile softened the discomfort that Jenna had begun to associate with spending time with her mother.
“No, I guess you can’t. But where would you live?” Jenna watched a car drive by, then turned her attention back to her mother. She had a solemn look in her eyes, and instead of the bright lipstick she’d been wearing lately, her mother’s lips were natural, her cheeks pink from lying out in the sun. Without the mask of heavy makeup, fine lines were evident around her mouth and puckered around the creases of her eyes. Despite the signs of age, she looked beautiful.
Her mother shrugged. “I’m not sure, but your father is moving on, and being in the house we shared makes it terribly hard for me to do the same.” She smoothed the front of her shorts. “I know I’ve been…different lately.”
Jenna arched a brow, wondering why, if she knew she’d been acting different, she didn’t stop herself.
“This whole thing has been an eye-opener, Jenna. I was so shocked by your father getting remarried. Somehow even this long after the divorce, it really threw me for a loop that he’s replacing our marriage with a new one. Our relationship was replaceable. That’s a big pill to swallow. I guess I went a little nutty. I’m still going a little nutty.”
Jenna set her hand on her mother’s hand. “You’re not nutty, Mom. You’re just confused.”
“That’s just it. I’m not at all confused.” Her mother pulled her shoulders back, and her eyes became serious. “I know you think I am. I even know I’m driving you crazy with the way I’m dressing and the way I’m acting, but honestly, it’s the only way for me to move forward.”
Jenna covered her face with her hands. “Ugh.” She dropped her hands and had to laugh. “You know you’re acting weird and you think it’s a good thing? And you knew you were driving me crazy and you didn’t tell me that you weren’t losing your mind?”
“Oh, honey. I’m not sure how to explain this to you. But the best way I can is that sometimes we put ourselves into these molds when a period in our life requires it. Like when you’re deep into the throes of motherhood and your personal life gets put on hold. Or when you’re building a career and nothing but climbing that silly ladder matters. And then we wake up one day, and we realize that we had no idea who we were before we got into that mold. It turns out, it’s not so easy to move between them, only no one warns you of that when you’re young.” A breeze swept through the garden, rustling the purple, yellow, and white flowers beside them.
Miranda set her eyes on Jenna. “This is your warning, honey. We have to adapt to certain phases, but it’s not easy to keep from getting lost in them. This attitude adjustment of mine is my way of kicking myself in the rear to try and remember who I really am.”
“But aren’t you embarrassed by…?”
“By how I dress and how I act? No. I’m not embarrassed. You are, and I understand that, but I never realized how embarrassed you were until this morning.”
“This morning?”
“Oh, honey. Do you really think I’m blind? Pete had an overnight bag in his hand, not a tool box, and last I looked, you didn’t have a dog, but you have a dog bed in your bedroom.” She smiled and touched Jenna’s hand. “I also saw how upset it made him when you tried to cover up whatever is going on between you two, and that’s when I realized that while I was busy finding myself, I was losing you.”
“You’re not losing me.” She hadn’t realized how true the words were until she refuted them. She’d been putting distance between her and her mother, not returning her texts and calls right away. Her mother was right; she was losing her.
“Yes, I was. I was pushing you away by trying to be something I wasn’t, and I understand that, but I need you to understand that I’m not trying to be someone else. I’m trying to figure out who I really was, who I am, and trying out lots of things. But, baby girl, the last thing I want to do is to ruin things between us. I know I’ve been leaning on you a lot lately, and I’m sorry. It isn’t fair. You were so darn willing to be there for me before the summer, and as awful as it sounds, I was broken, Jenna. I needed that.”
Jenna’s throat thickened with guilt. “It’s not awful. You’re my mom. I’d do anything for you.”
“I know you would.” She put her arm around Jenna and pulled her closer. “But you’re my daughter, not my parent, and you have a life to live, too.”
“I’m finally living my life.” Thinking of Pete, Jenna couldn’t repress her smile.
“Oh, Jenna. You’ve always been living your life. You’re just living your life with the man you’ve been crushing on for years on end. I was afraid he’d never come around.”
“Crushing on?” Jenna laughed. Dreaming of. Fantasizing over. Both were more accurate. “I wasn’t sure he ever would either. I asked out another guy, and that got his attention.”
“Why is it that men need a threat to realize what they have?” Her mother’s eyes saddened.
“Mom, I’m sorry about Dad.”
She squeezed Jenna’s hand. “So am I, honey. I loved him. I love him. I’ll never stop loving him, and I’ll never replace him. You know what I said about it being hard to break out of the molds from different phases of our lives?” She didn’t wait for Jenna to answer. “Well, I knew things weren’t good between your father and me for a very long time. I just didn’t know how to fix them. I was comfortable in our life, and your father wanted to travel and see the world. It’s like one day he woke up and realized that we were on the downhill side of our lives, and he wanted to experience more of what life had to offer, not just wait for it to end.” She shrugged. “I was too content. I was afraid to break out of the mold.”
“So that’s why you’re doing it now? Breaking out of the mold?”
“I guess. I don’t really know. I know I say things about your father that I shouldn’t. I’m just hurt, and I’m brokenhearted, and it’s not fair to you. You love your father, as you should, but it hurts to know that I could have changed things and I lost my chance.” Her mother looked away, but not before Jenna noticed her damp eyes.
“Mom, have you talked to Dad about this? Does he know you’re trying to change now?” Could they reconcile? It was a strange idea to ponder, since her father was about to be married to Cara, but Jenna felt a flutter of hope in her chest.
“Your father and I are close, Jenna. We talk often.”
“You do?” How could she not know that?
“True love doesn’t just wash away because you’re bored.”
“But you got divorced. It’s been two years.”
“True. Your father is happy with his new tart.”
“Mom.”
“Sorry. She’s actually a nice woman, and she makes him happy. We’ll never lose what we had. They’re great memories, but he did the right thing. He took control of his life, and now it’s time for me to move on.”
“So…you’re not going to try to reconcile with Dad? I feel like I’m on an emotional roller-coaster ride.”
“Oh no, honey. I didn’t mean to give you that impression. You can’t go backward in life. Only forward. Which is why after tonight I’m going to get out of your hair and let you move on with your life.” Her mother hugged her, and held her against her while she spoke. “Thank you for being there for me. It was your kick in the pants that made me wake up.”
Jenna pulled back. “What do you mean? What did I do?”
“When you came down to the Cape, you said you wouldn’t come back until the end of the summer, and you implied that I needed to deal with life on my own. You were right. I was hiding behind you, trying to fit into whatever you had going on in your life, like I was a girlfriend. I knew I couldn’t hide anymore. I just had to find the strength to stop, and when you didn’t return my texts and you hesitated about me coming to visit, it was the eye-opener that I needed.”
“Then what was up with the tight dress? And the comments on the beach? And the comments about Pete?” Especially the comments about Pete!
“The dress? Because I’ve still got it.” She patted her hip. “The comments? Because they were hotties. I’m old. Not blind.” Her mom sighed. “Don’t worry, honey. I’m kidding. But as far as Pete goes, sweetheart, I was egging you on, trying to get you to stake claim to your man.”
“Could have fooled me. I thought you were becoming a cougar.”
“Meow.” Her mother reached out like her hand was a bear claw.
They headed back into the library arm in arm.
“Hey, Mom? Can you please not ask me anything sexual about Pete? Ever?”
“You never let me have any fun.” Her mom laughed. “There’s no need to ask. The way you looked at each other left nothing up to the imagination.”
Jenna groaned, but her insides were doing a happy dance—for both the understanding that her mother wasn’t losing her mind after all and at the notion that others could see how much she and Pete cared for each other. She felt like she wanted to stand on top of the Wellfleet fire tower and yell, I’m Jenna Ward, and I love Pete Lacroux! It was a relief to share that love with the woman who had been there for everything from skinned knees to career issues. Her mother had never shooed her away the way that Jenna had done to her the last few weeks. As she held the library door open for her mother, she realized that she had to come clean about something else. Something equally as important.
Jenna touched her mother’s arm. “Mom, before we go in.” She let the door close and reached for her mother’s hand.
“What is it, honey?”
“Two things, really. I have a hard time when you say bad things about Dad. I just wish you wouldn’t, because it makes me feel like I can’t be close to him—despite all the things you just said.” She lowered her eyes, then forced herself to meet her mother’s gaze again. “I’m sorry, Mom, but can you please not say things about him, or compare him to other men?”
“I’ll try, Jenna. I’ve told you how I feel about him. How I really feel about him. The rest is just a defense mechanism—and a very bad one at that.” Her mother embraced her. “I’m glad we raised you to speak your mind, and I’m glad you feel as though you can be honest with me.”
Jenna drew back. “There’s one other thing. I’m sorry that I tried to avoid your calls and your texts. I’m sorry that I judged you instead of being there for you this summer. I feel really bad about that.”
“Oh, honey.” Her mother shook her head and hugged her again. “You have your own life to live, and I have mine. You did exactly what we raised you to do. You spoke your mind and took care of yourself. You can never go wrong when you do that, and you know what that means…”
“I don’t know what it means, but it feels selfish.”
Her mother smiled, and in that smile Jenna saw the mother she knew and had loved for her entire life. “Sometimes you have to be a little selfish to make things right. It means that your father and I did something right, and that makes everything okay.”
It was nice to hear her mother say something positive about the time when she was married to Jenna’s father. Progress.
When they arrived back at the cottage that afternoon, Jenna felt more relaxed. She was glad to know that her mother wasn’t going through a crazy midlife crisis that might end with her owning a Corvette and having her lips plumped.
Jenna was putting away the new books she’d taken out from the library when her mother came into her bedroom and sat on the bed.
“I think I’m going to pack up and take off this afternoon. You have a life to lead, and heaven knows I have to start pulling mine back together. Today was a real eye-opener for me. I’ve missed seeing you look at me like you’re not afraid of what I’ll say.” Her mom smiled up at her.
Selfishly, Jenna couldn’t help but think that if her mother left, she and Pete would have tonight alone together, but her mother was trying to mend the bridge between them, and there she was trying to jump over it. She pushed away the selfish thought and focused on her mother.
“This weekend is the book sale. Why don’t you stay and help us with it? You’re enjoying being here, and it’s nice to have you around.”
Her mother looked around the bedroom with a thoughtful gaze and smoothed her dress over her hips.
“As fun as that would probably be, there’s someone waiting for me at home.” Her mother’s mouth quirked up into a mischievous smile.
“Someone?” Oh boy. Jenna’s nerves became inflamed again. Please don’t tell me he’s a twentysomething guy.
“Do you remember Carlos? The butcher?”
Jenna’s eyes widened.
“Of course I remember him. He’s only been flirting with you since you and Dad split up. But you never pay any attention to him. You do realize he’s probably not any younger than dad?”
“Yes.”
“Or particularly fit,” Jenna reminded her.
“Yes, he does have a bit of a belly, doesn’t he?” Her mother put an arm around Jenna’s shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about everything as we’ve been talking. Maybe who I am really is the person your father left. It’s fun to act young, but honestly, it’s exhausting. Carlos is kind, he’s stable as a rock, and we have a lot in common.”
Jenna was relieved to hear her mother say that, and now, more than ever, she didn’t want her to get hurt.
“How do you know that Carlos will still want to go out with you?”
Her mom blinked her eyes in a dramatic fashion. “Because your mama isn’t a fool, baby. I might have been playing around with my clothes and how I acted, but inside I think I always knew who I was. I can’t compete with your father’s young thing.”
“That isn’t making any sense. What does that have to do with Carlos seeing how you’ve been acting and wanting no part of it?”
“Because while I have been feeling things out with you, and with some of my girlfriends back home, outside of those who love me no matter what I do, I’ve remained the same boring person I’ve always been.”
“But I thought your closest friends had gotten tired of how you were behaving.” Jenna was totally confused.
“Yes, they have, and I’ll make that right when I go home. And I hope we’re okay now. I’m sorry things got so weird.”
“Me too, Mom. I was afraid we’d never get back to normal.”
“Honey, we survived your teenage years; we can survive anything.”